Walking into the unknown
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Walking into the unknown
Amy and I have decided to take a break from seeing each other for seven weeks -- until January 24th. I told her she can still call me anytime she needs to talk. On January 24th we will meet for coffee and see where we're at.
I am scared to death.
Since she got out of rehab she has remained clean, and she's racked up nearly 70 days of clean time. It is the very first time in her life she's been in any real recovery of any sort. Prior detox visits were just about drying herself out so she could go back out and resume taking drugs. It's a miracle she's lasted this long. But it has been a wild roller coaster ride, to put it mildly. For most of the time since she's been out, she has been a near total emotional zombie, unable to relate in any normal human sense. I really don't understand why the people who run rehab facilities can't take five minutes when you're picking up your girlfriend to take you aside and say, "oh, by the way, she's pretty brain damaged, so don't expect to have an actual human being for about a year or so." Trust me, that would be a useful bit of information to have, instead of letting me figure it out on my own. Jesus.
While I thought I knew a lot about the extent and nature of her drug addiction by the time she got out of rehab, more and more has come out over the past several weeks. In addition to oxy and heroin, she was a pretty heavy cocaine user too. Plus lots of other drugs in smaller portions. Plus she was an alcoholic. As far as I can tell, the only thing she didn't do was meth. She said those "faces of meth" ads deterred her. She's very pretty. She did not want to look that ugly.
She did oxys and heroin but, it turns out, it was much more heavily heroin. Much more. She really barely talks about oxy. It's really the heroin. I don't know why thinking she was an oxy addict did not bother me as much. They're really the same drug. People call oxys "hillbilly heroin." But the heroin seems so much worse. She can fool you -- she looks like the nicest, prettiest, most well dressed, well mannered, intelligent, college educated, middle class young woman. She is all those things. She's also a hard core heroin addict. When she snorted she was doing 15 bags of heroin a day. And then was starving for it the next morning. A heavy heroin user, with 6 years of addiction.
She shot up heroin a lot more than she previously let on. She initially made it sound like she did it just a little bit, a couple times, right before she stopped and started a suboxone maintenance program. She actually shot up dozens of times, over the course of at least a couple months. She now says she doesn't remember how often she shot up. She even sat on the sidewalk in line for a needle exchange program. It wasn't just her dealer who shot her up. She learned successfully to shoot up herself. All she ever thinks about is shooting up again -- in her thoughts, in her dreams. It's constant.
She says 3 years ago I saved her life. She was at a very low point then. (I didn't even know she was taking drugs. Didn't figure it out for 18 months. What a moron.) She was stealing from her own grandmother. She was running drugs for a dealer. She pawned all her belongings. She was having sex for drugs. She was prostituting herself online. She told me (last night) it was only a matter of time before she became a back page girl, and started risking getting raped or beaten for drugs. Only a matter of time before she started burglarizing stores. By becoming her boyfriend and taking care of her, I got her away from that, she says. If I saved her life then, am I letting her die now?
I've researched a lot about brain chemistry in the last couple weeks. For someone with an addiction as heavy and as long standing as her, she has completely re-wired her brain. Probably permanently. My therapist (who is herself a drug addict in recovery) said Amy will probably never stop dreaming about shooting up heroin. Her dopamine levels are in the basement. She's done significant damage to the "white matter" of her brain, which is responsible for judgment and decision making. It can heal, but it will take a year or more. So she's plagued by constant thoughts and dreams and cravings for heroin -- and the part of her brain used for judgment is impaired. No wonder everyone relapses.
Whenever we talk (and the conversation invariably turns to drugs), she says incredibly frightening things. She talks about all the reasons she could relapse. She talks about how she wishes she could use "just a little every day." Recently she's been visiting "harm reduction" forums -- where people talk about the "safe" ways to shoot up heroin (just "enough" but not "too much"). She thought it was "interesting" that people on these forums actually meet in person and do drugs together. She said she didn't see why I thought there was something wrong with these forums. She didn't see why one drug addict could not help another drug addict get high "safely" -- even if she was supposed to be in recovery. And, always, she says the thing she regrets the most is that she did not shoot up more heroin.
To me, it feels like relapse is not a question of "if" but only a question of "when". I pray to God I'm wrong. I know I'm helpless to stop it from happening. That makes me sick to my stomach. I never believed in or prayed to God before. No atheists in detox centers.
She says (candidly, candor is good I guess) that if she does relapse she's going to lie about it and hide it as long as she can, so she can go on a real bender and shoot up as much heroin as she can before she's "caught" and has to go back into detox. She says she's going to go "full force". Except, of course, that if she has 70 or 90 or 120 days clean, and her tolerance is lower than it's been in many years, and she shoots up a hot bag, she's dead.
Am I making a terrible mistake?
We decided to take a "temporary break" because we could not function as a couple. She just isn't "there". She cannot bring anything to the relationship, and I cannot take it any more. Her coldness, her distance, her selfishness, her callousness. It's like dating a corpse. She said her clinician finally agreed that the relationship was not good for her either, and so recommended a 1 month break. I wanted 3 months, but we compromised on 7 weeks -- enough to get me past the holidays and my birthday. I don't want my birthday ruined (again). I want to give myself a nice vacation -- go somewhere warm -- where I don't have to worry about anyone but me. I am going to push hard to find a sponsor at one of my Al-Anon meetings this weekend.
I feel like I am being very, very selfish, and that I am abandoning her. I feel like I am a horrible person. She was crying when we parted this morning.
I know, I know, I'm supposed to look out for myself first. I guess I am doing that. But I also know I love her more than any other woman I have ever known. I want to marry her, have a family with her, spend my life with her. I am recognizing that may never be possible. That's a tough loss.
But it is worse thinking that I may be leaving her at her moment of greatest need. If she relapses, or heaven forbid, if she dies, I will never forgive myself.
She has the resources she needs at her disposal. She has her outpatient program. She has her NA meetings. She has her sponsor. She has her therapist. She's on vivitrol. She has the best medical care available, if she elects to use it. She has no financial worries, no other obligations at all other than her 2 dogs. She won't have me, but the sad truth I am facing is that I can't help anyway. I've racked my brains and there is literally nothing I can do or say to help in any fashion. For her, right now, I'm dead weight. And she's dead weight to me too.
At least that's what I'm telling myself. So that I don't feel like such a completely selfish *******.
I'm sorry to whine at such length. My problems are nothing compared to most of you -- husbands who disappear for 3 months, or who are violent or abusive. Or you folks whose kids are addicts -- as a parent of two young adults, I cannot imagine how you get through the day. You must have a will made of titanium. She "just" a girlfriend. But in my little world, this is very painful.
I am scared to death.
Since she got out of rehab she has remained clean, and she's racked up nearly 70 days of clean time. It is the very first time in her life she's been in any real recovery of any sort. Prior detox visits were just about drying herself out so she could go back out and resume taking drugs. It's a miracle she's lasted this long. But it has been a wild roller coaster ride, to put it mildly. For most of the time since she's been out, she has been a near total emotional zombie, unable to relate in any normal human sense. I really don't understand why the people who run rehab facilities can't take five minutes when you're picking up your girlfriend to take you aside and say, "oh, by the way, she's pretty brain damaged, so don't expect to have an actual human being for about a year or so." Trust me, that would be a useful bit of information to have, instead of letting me figure it out on my own. Jesus.
While I thought I knew a lot about the extent and nature of her drug addiction by the time she got out of rehab, more and more has come out over the past several weeks. In addition to oxy and heroin, she was a pretty heavy cocaine user too. Plus lots of other drugs in smaller portions. Plus she was an alcoholic. As far as I can tell, the only thing she didn't do was meth. She said those "faces of meth" ads deterred her. She's very pretty. She did not want to look that ugly.
She did oxys and heroin but, it turns out, it was much more heavily heroin. Much more. She really barely talks about oxy. It's really the heroin. I don't know why thinking she was an oxy addict did not bother me as much. They're really the same drug. People call oxys "hillbilly heroin." But the heroin seems so much worse. She can fool you -- she looks like the nicest, prettiest, most well dressed, well mannered, intelligent, college educated, middle class young woman. She is all those things. She's also a hard core heroin addict. When she snorted she was doing 15 bags of heroin a day. And then was starving for it the next morning. A heavy heroin user, with 6 years of addiction.
She shot up heroin a lot more than she previously let on. She initially made it sound like she did it just a little bit, a couple times, right before she stopped and started a suboxone maintenance program. She actually shot up dozens of times, over the course of at least a couple months. She now says she doesn't remember how often she shot up. She even sat on the sidewalk in line for a needle exchange program. It wasn't just her dealer who shot her up. She learned successfully to shoot up herself. All she ever thinks about is shooting up again -- in her thoughts, in her dreams. It's constant.
She says 3 years ago I saved her life. She was at a very low point then. (I didn't even know she was taking drugs. Didn't figure it out for 18 months. What a moron.) She was stealing from her own grandmother. She was running drugs for a dealer. She pawned all her belongings. She was having sex for drugs. She was prostituting herself online. She told me (last night) it was only a matter of time before she became a back page girl, and started risking getting raped or beaten for drugs. Only a matter of time before she started burglarizing stores. By becoming her boyfriend and taking care of her, I got her away from that, she says. If I saved her life then, am I letting her die now?
I've researched a lot about brain chemistry in the last couple weeks. For someone with an addiction as heavy and as long standing as her, she has completely re-wired her brain. Probably permanently. My therapist (who is herself a drug addict in recovery) said Amy will probably never stop dreaming about shooting up heroin. Her dopamine levels are in the basement. She's done significant damage to the "white matter" of her brain, which is responsible for judgment and decision making. It can heal, but it will take a year or more. So she's plagued by constant thoughts and dreams and cravings for heroin -- and the part of her brain used for judgment is impaired. No wonder everyone relapses.
Whenever we talk (and the conversation invariably turns to drugs), she says incredibly frightening things. She talks about all the reasons she could relapse. She talks about how she wishes she could use "just a little every day." Recently she's been visiting "harm reduction" forums -- where people talk about the "safe" ways to shoot up heroin (just "enough" but not "too much"). She thought it was "interesting" that people on these forums actually meet in person and do drugs together. She said she didn't see why I thought there was something wrong with these forums. She didn't see why one drug addict could not help another drug addict get high "safely" -- even if she was supposed to be in recovery. And, always, she says the thing she regrets the most is that she did not shoot up more heroin.
To me, it feels like relapse is not a question of "if" but only a question of "when". I pray to God I'm wrong. I know I'm helpless to stop it from happening. That makes me sick to my stomach. I never believed in or prayed to God before. No atheists in detox centers.
She says (candidly, candor is good I guess) that if she does relapse she's going to lie about it and hide it as long as she can, so she can go on a real bender and shoot up as much heroin as she can before she's "caught" and has to go back into detox. She says she's going to go "full force". Except, of course, that if she has 70 or 90 or 120 days clean, and her tolerance is lower than it's been in many years, and she shoots up a hot bag, she's dead.
Am I making a terrible mistake?
We decided to take a "temporary break" because we could not function as a couple. She just isn't "there". She cannot bring anything to the relationship, and I cannot take it any more. Her coldness, her distance, her selfishness, her callousness. It's like dating a corpse. She said her clinician finally agreed that the relationship was not good for her either, and so recommended a 1 month break. I wanted 3 months, but we compromised on 7 weeks -- enough to get me past the holidays and my birthday. I don't want my birthday ruined (again). I want to give myself a nice vacation -- go somewhere warm -- where I don't have to worry about anyone but me. I am going to push hard to find a sponsor at one of my Al-Anon meetings this weekend.
I feel like I am being very, very selfish, and that I am abandoning her. I feel like I am a horrible person. She was crying when we parted this morning.
I know, I know, I'm supposed to look out for myself first. I guess I am doing that. But I also know I love her more than any other woman I have ever known. I want to marry her, have a family with her, spend my life with her. I am recognizing that may never be possible. That's a tough loss.
But it is worse thinking that I may be leaving her at her moment of greatest need. If she relapses, or heaven forbid, if she dies, I will never forgive myself.
She has the resources she needs at her disposal. She has her outpatient program. She has her NA meetings. She has her sponsor. She has her therapist. She's on vivitrol. She has the best medical care available, if she elects to use it. She has no financial worries, no other obligations at all other than her 2 dogs. She won't have me, but the sad truth I am facing is that I can't help anyway. I've racked my brains and there is literally nothing I can do or say to help in any fashion. For her, right now, I'm dead weight. And she's dead weight to me too.
At least that's what I'm telling myself. So that I don't feel like such a completely selfish *******.
I'm sorry to whine at such length. My problems are nothing compared to most of you -- husbands who disappear for 3 months, or who are violent or abusive. Or you folks whose kids are addicts -- as a parent of two young adults, I cannot imagine how you get through the day. You must have a will made of titanium. She "just" a girlfriend. But in my little world, this is very painful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
I'm so sorry. I can feel, from your words, just how much pain you're in. Don't dismiss or minimize it by comparing it to someone else's situation. We all live in our own worlds, and this is a huge thing in yours. You love her, and right now, she only knows how to love a drug. It's heartbreaking, but I think you're doing the right thing. You can't change or protect her, no matter how much you want to. She has to do this, and you have the right to nice holidays, and joy in your own life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Can you go to meetings every day in this seven weeks?
I think it will help you see the reality of your situation. I'm sure you want to believe she has the ability to be a wife and mother, but her own behavior says otherwise. Letting go of a fantasy relationship is difficult but necessary.
I think it will help you see the reality of your situation. I'm sure you want to believe she has the ability to be a wife and mother, but her own behavior says otherwise. Letting go of a fantasy relationship is difficult but necessary.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
NJAndy - so sorry you are going through all this but am really glad you two are taking a break.
I'm both a recovering addict (A) and had/have loved ones still using, so I'm also a recovering codependent.
She said you saved her life, but think about it - she went on using, hiding it from you for quite a while and you're just now finding out how bad she was?
I abused another drug, but went down a similar path as she did. Prostituting and shooting up dope put her (and you) at a high risk for diseases, so you may want to get yourself thoroughly checked out. I'm not trying to fill you with fear, I just know the risks.
You are not abandoning her, you are taking care of you and allowing her to live her life the way she chooses. Yes, it's quite hard, but I had to do it and I don't have any regrets about it.
FWIW, when I first got into recovery, I had serious doubts and was still thinking about going back to drugs at some point, but thought I'd control it. I gave myself 6 months to put everything I had into recovery, if I didn't like it, I was going back out.
It was nowhere near 6 months before I realized I wasn't going back out. I "got" to deal with all the consequences of my years of using. I DID have money issues, I had ruined a good career and "got" to wait tables and do other jobs I once thought were below me.
All of this made me stronger. I also did a lot of work on my codependency as me wanting to "save" someone is what led me to addiction.
I always worried about leaving someone when they were vulnerable, thinking I could stop the downward spiral. I got a reality check when I was living with my dad and stepmother, she became addicted to drugs and nothing I said or did had any effect on her. I found her dead of an OD, last year. My years of recovery had no effect on her because she didn't want to stop.
I do hope you take a vacation where it's warm and sunny, and focus on what YOU want from life. I couldn't just STOP loving someone, but time and distance allowed me to see things much better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both a recovering addict (A) and had/have loved ones still using, so I'm also a recovering codependent.
She said you saved her life, but think about it - she went on using, hiding it from you for quite a while and you're just now finding out how bad she was?
I abused another drug, but went down a similar path as she did. Prostituting and shooting up dope put her (and you) at a high risk for diseases, so you may want to get yourself thoroughly checked out. I'm not trying to fill you with fear, I just know the risks.
You are not abandoning her, you are taking care of you and allowing her to live her life the way she chooses. Yes, it's quite hard, but I had to do it and I don't have any regrets about it.
FWIW, when I first got into recovery, I had serious doubts and was still thinking about going back to drugs at some point, but thought I'd control it. I gave myself 6 months to put everything I had into recovery, if I didn't like it, I was going back out.
It was nowhere near 6 months before I realized I wasn't going back out. I "got" to deal with all the consequences of my years of using. I DID have money issues, I had ruined a good career and "got" to wait tables and do other jobs I once thought were below me.
All of this made me stronger. I also did a lot of work on my codependency as me wanting to "save" someone is what led me to addiction.
I always worried about leaving someone when they were vulnerable, thinking I could stop the downward spiral. I got a reality check when I was living with my dad and stepmother, she became addicted to drugs and nothing I said or did had any effect on her. I found her dead of an OD, last year. My years of recovery had no effect on her because she didn't want to stop.
I do hope you take a vacation where it's warm and sunny, and focus on what YOU want from life. I couldn't just STOP loving someone, but time and distance allowed me to see things much better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
NJandy...
Dude, you're not being selfish. You're being realistic. And the events of the past couple of weeks have largely answered your questions regarding what she is and isn't capable of.
If you zoom out to look at the big picture, you've done all you can and then some. As we've discussed a couple of weeks ago, whatever my misgivings about your decision to do so, you funding her rehab was in one sense an extraordinary gesture, and one that showed your commitment to her. But rehab is only the beginning for her. She has spent a lot of time numbing herself with opiates and alcohol, and now, she has to learn how to sit with those feelings without numbing herself. No one, including you, can do that for her. You have every right to be scared.
This decision -- to hit the pause button -- was going to arrive on your doorstep at some point. Pain was going to arrive at some point. It's worth noting that even if you didn't hit the pause button, you'd still experience pain; the pain of being with someone you love who's incapable of being a committed, mature, attentive partner.
So, don't beat yourself up. Don't judge yourself harshly. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. Reconnect with your friends. Spend time with your kids. Do things that will fill your emotional tank instead of take away from it.
The fear of the unknown isn't going to go away, so I'm not going to blow sunshine up your arse about that. You're going to have to sit with it and manage it. It's not going to be easy by any stretch. All you can do at this moment is accept how things are at this moment. Even if you f*cking hate it. Accept it, acknowledge it blows, and do the best you can going forward.
Keep us posted.
Dude, you're not being selfish. You're being realistic. And the events of the past couple of weeks have largely answered your questions regarding what she is and isn't capable of.
If you zoom out to look at the big picture, you've done all you can and then some. As we've discussed a couple of weeks ago, whatever my misgivings about your decision to do so, you funding her rehab was in one sense an extraordinary gesture, and one that showed your commitment to her. But rehab is only the beginning for her. She has spent a lot of time numbing herself with opiates and alcohol, and now, she has to learn how to sit with those feelings without numbing herself. No one, including you, can do that for her. You have every right to be scared.
This decision -- to hit the pause button -- was going to arrive on your doorstep at some point. Pain was going to arrive at some point. It's worth noting that even if you didn't hit the pause button, you'd still experience pain; the pain of being with someone you love who's incapable of being a committed, mature, attentive partner.
So, don't beat yourself up. Don't judge yourself harshly. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. Reconnect with your friends. Spend time with your kids. Do things that will fill your emotional tank instead of take away from it.
The fear of the unknown isn't going to go away, so I'm not going to blow sunshine up your arse about that. You're going to have to sit with it and manage it. It's not going to be easy by any stretch. All you can do at this moment is accept how things are at this moment. Even if you f*cking hate it. Accept it, acknowledge it blows, and do the best you can going forward.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
NJandy,
I don't think you are being selfish at all. You paid for rehab because you love her. The rest is on her. I think intellectually you know this. I have several addicts in my life and the thing that helps me the most is visualizing handing them over to their HP. I think Ann wrote about it on one of my first days lurking here. I am sorry you are going through this and am thinking of you.
Jaeger
I don't think you are being selfish at all. You paid for rehab because you love her. The rest is on her. I think intellectually you know this. I have several addicts in my life and the thing that helps me the most is visualizing handing them over to their HP. I think Ann wrote about it on one of my first days lurking here. I am sorry you are going through this and am thinking of you.
Jaeger
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Oh man. It must have been really painful for you to hear all of those things. I'm sorry. I would want to throw up if my AXBF shared those kind of details with me.
YOU are not the selfish one in this relationship. Addiction is an incredibly self-centered disease and your gf has thought of no one but herself all this time. And since finding out about her use, your life has been completely consumed by it I'm sure. Taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself. it doesn't matter that she was crying - how many times has she made you cry, or at least want to? This is a consequence of her actions and part of recovery is dealing with and accepting those consequences. She needs this and you need this.
If your gf is going to relapse, she's going to do it with or without you. Your presence never stopped her from using before, why would it make a difference now? You cannot save her. Ever. Only she can do that.
Be sad, be hurt, be afraid - that's normal. But focus on YOU. That's not being selfish, it's caring enough about yourself and your own sanity to take care of yourself. I love the vacation idea. Since my ex left I have taken the time to visit two friends out of state that I talked about visiting all year. I finally took the time to do it and it was so wonderful to get the hell away from here and be with my loving friends. Go to all the meetings you can. Getting a sponsor is a great idea. Do some of the things you've wanted to do but your gf's addiction had you so preoccupied that you couldn't find the time or energy.
Honestly, I hope she doesn't call you during this time. If she does, please don't get thrown back onto the crazy train. This space is so necessary for the both of you. Take good care of yourself.
YOU are not the selfish one in this relationship. Addiction is an incredibly self-centered disease and your gf has thought of no one but herself all this time. And since finding out about her use, your life has been completely consumed by it I'm sure. Taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself. it doesn't matter that she was crying - how many times has she made you cry, or at least want to? This is a consequence of her actions and part of recovery is dealing with and accepting those consequences. She needs this and you need this.
If your gf is going to relapse, she's going to do it with or without you. Your presence never stopped her from using before, why would it make a difference now? You cannot save her. Ever. Only she can do that.
Be sad, be hurt, be afraid - that's normal. But focus on YOU. That's not being selfish, it's caring enough about yourself and your own sanity to take care of yourself. I love the vacation idea. Since my ex left I have taken the time to visit two friends out of state that I talked about visiting all year. I finally took the time to do it and it was so wonderful to get the hell away from here and be with my loving friends. Go to all the meetings you can. Getting a sponsor is a great idea. Do some of the things you've wanted to do but your gf's addiction had you so preoccupied that you couldn't find the time or energy.
Honestly, I hope she doesn't call you during this time. If she does, please don't get thrown back onto the crazy train. This space is so necessary for the both of you. Take good care of yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Amy, thank you for sharing your story and opening your heart to anyone here who can learn from your experience. 
Andy, I am glad you are taking a break and hope you will find support for yourself too, I promise you it will help you through the rough days.
Your story, sadly, is a common one and not surprising to those of us who have been around addiction for a while. They say the relapse begins long before they pick up the drug and I really hope she changes her thinking before that happens.
My prayers go out for her, that she can stay on the recovery path and build a better life.
Hugs
Andy, I am glad you are taking a break and hope you will find support for yourself too, I promise you it will help you through the rough days.
Your story, sadly, is a common one and not surprising to those of us who have been around addiction for a while. They say the relapse begins long before they pick up the drug and I really hope she changes her thinking before that happens.
My prayers go out for her, that she can stay on the recovery path and build a better life.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear NJandy,
I too am sorry this pain, caused from addiction has grabbed ahold of your heart. It's a very real painful feeling. That doesn't go away anytime soon
After my daughter was detoxed and went to IOP, I had to force myself to step away from her and her disease. I set up and honored the boundaries I put in place. I learned about codependency, took care of myself and I quit giving, giving, giving. She was 20 yrs old...
She had to do the hard work, once detoxed and after IOP, all these mental illness came popping out of her brain. Be prepared for this. And prepare your big sweet, generous heart that you "can't fix Amy". Only Amy can fix Amy and it's a life time of work, none of this getting a little high or abusing/using and lying about it. She's already talking about a secret relapse, that alone, IMO, tells me she's not ready to give up her drugs. I'm so sorry to say that. You can be the most beautiful, educated, best worker on the outside, but if active addiction continues to lurk and wait for the right time to use on the inside...you're in for a long painful battle, that addiction will most likely win.
Take this break, really take it. Go no contact, don't give Amy anything, no money, don't pay her bills, feed her, don't furnish a car, cell phone, apartment or a warm bed to sleep in. She will be resourceful and if she wants and desires to be sober and clean from illegally used drugs, she will find a way to fix and control her addiction. Only she can do this.
Guilt and blame are very difficult feeling to get around of. There's no quick fix for any of us.
Listen to Zozo or any of the other men on this Forum, their advise is GOLD. I'm just a mom with female thoughts and emotions. BTW, my RAD is sober a year now, but I'm not fooled, I know that her AV can wake up at any moment. And yes, we do have a plan...
Hun, try to keep the break a break, tears or no tears, no contact will give you time to heal yourself too. Also, you are not whining, just talking about that brain disease...
Sorry my post got so long, but as you see, we all have been there, done that...and we care about YOU!
My thoughts and prayers are coming your way,
Take care,
TF
I too am sorry this pain, caused from addiction has grabbed ahold of your heart. It's a very real painful feeling. That doesn't go away anytime soon
After my daughter was detoxed and went to IOP, I had to force myself to step away from her and her disease. I set up and honored the boundaries I put in place. I learned about codependency, took care of myself and I quit giving, giving, giving. She was 20 yrs old...
She had to do the hard work, once detoxed and after IOP, all these mental illness came popping out of her brain. Be prepared for this. And prepare your big sweet, generous heart that you "can't fix Amy". Only Amy can fix Amy and it's a life time of work, none of this getting a little high or abusing/using and lying about it. She's already talking about a secret relapse, that alone, IMO, tells me she's not ready to give up her drugs. I'm so sorry to say that. You can be the most beautiful, educated, best worker on the outside, but if active addiction continues to lurk and wait for the right time to use on the inside...you're in for a long painful battle, that addiction will most likely win.
Take this break, really take it. Go no contact, don't give Amy anything, no money, don't pay her bills, feed her, don't furnish a car, cell phone, apartment or a warm bed to sleep in. She will be resourceful and if she wants and desires to be sober and clean from illegally used drugs, she will find a way to fix and control her addiction. Only she can do this.
Guilt and blame are very difficult feeling to get around of. There's no quick fix for any of us.
Listen to Zozo or any of the other men on this Forum, their advise is GOLD. I'm just a mom with female thoughts and emotions. BTW, my RAD is sober a year now, but I'm not fooled, I know that her AV can wake up at any moment. And yes, we do have a plan...
Hun, try to keep the break a break, tears or no tears, no contact will give you time to heal yourself too. Also, you are not whining, just talking about that brain disease...
Sorry my post got so long, but as you see, we all have been there, done that...and we care about YOU!
My thoughts and prayers are coming your way,
Take care,
TF
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I'm sorry NJandy
I agree with others that stepping back is the best thing for you and for her.
She has to choose this for herself--you really can't "help" her commit to stay clean.
You have given her a chance with the detox and treatment, but the doing of the thing must be her own.
I agree with others that stepping back is the best thing for you and for her.
She has to choose this for herself--you really can't "help" her commit to stay clean.
You have given her a chance with the detox and treatment, but the doing of the thing must be her own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
NJandy, thank you for opening your heart. You so eloquently portray the heartbreak and agony of loving someone in addition. Please don't compare your situation to others. Love is love and anguish is anguish.
You are not being selfish by taking a break. Only a spiritual miracle can save her, and you don't have that kind of power. Oh, that we did!
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
You are not being selfish by taking a break. Only a spiritual miracle can save her, and you don't have that kind of power. Oh, that we did!
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
('m sorry for your pain. I remember well deciding that I could no longer continue in a relationship with my AXBF, or support him financially. I'm just curious, how is it that she has no money worries? I hope you will not continue to give her money. It sounds like she has already decided to relapse. I felt very foolish about all the money I gave to my AXBF, and a very wise person told me to think of it as paying tuition for a crash course in addiction. You have paid your tuition now, and hopefully you have learned a lot. I hope you won't keep paying just to ease your guilt. Is there a big age difference in this relationship? It almost sounds like you feel fatherly toward her. But she is a grown woman and will do what she wants, despite your attempts to put her on a better path.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
She's not just a girlfriend, she's someone you love. This is hard no matter what. I would never minimize this for anyone attached to an addict. There are a lot of commonalities in our stories. The suffering inside is felt deeply all the same.
What you are doing is by no means selfish. Honestly dear, if you have to choose between the two of you, choose yourself. Your going through Hell and back, spending a great amount of your time and money attempting to understand and to help her. It's okay to give yourself permission to do what you need to do for you. It's not okay to internalize guilt you are not responsible for holding onto though.
Take a vacation and do every single self nurturing thing you can. You deserve to not miss out on those things or anything else in life. It's not selfish to continue on with your life just because someone else is stuck in theirs.
What you are doing is by no means selfish. Honestly dear, if you have to choose between the two of you, choose yourself. Your going through Hell and back, spending a great amount of your time and money attempting to understand and to help her. It's okay to give yourself permission to do what you need to do for you. It's not okay to internalize guilt you are not responsible for holding onto though.
Take a vacation and do every single self nurturing thing you can. You deserve to not miss out on those things or anything else in life. It's not selfish to continue on with your life just because someone else is stuck in theirs.
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