Sober Social Experiment
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
Sober Social Experiment
Well, I was on Day 12 yesterday when I decided that I would accept an invite to a friend's housewarming party. Most of the last ~2 weeks, I have spent "regrouping" at home so this would be my first real social event, and I knew the booze would be flowing. Well, I am happy to report that I didn't have a drop of alcohol and am now on Day 13 
While still early in recovery, my thought was that I can't "hide" from alcohol forever, and quite frankly, that I wanted/needed some social interaction - isolation/loneliness is a big trigger for me. Of course, I don't intend to test fate by going to a lot of parties, bars, etc. this early in recovery but I can honestly say that I was perfectly comfortable mixing it up with people while not drinking. I was offered several times, just said "no thanks," and people didn't think twice about it.
It was great to see some old friends, have some laughs, and wake up this morning without a hangover and/or the urge to drink again - the first "experiment" was a success!
While still early in recovery, my thought was that I can't "hide" from alcohol forever, and quite frankly, that I wanted/needed some social interaction - isolation/loneliness is a big trigger for me. Of course, I don't intend to test fate by going to a lot of parties, bars, etc. this early in recovery but I can honestly say that I was perfectly comfortable mixing it up with people while not drinking. I was offered several times, just said "no thanks," and people didn't think twice about it.
It was great to see some old friends, have some laughs, and wake up this morning without a hangover and/or the urge to drink again - the first "experiment" was a success!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Nicely done, D! I had my first experiment on TG day at some friends' house. They offered drinks, I said "no, thanks" and that was the end of that.
I'm starting to think that maybe there is no conspiracy against my sobriety. Good news.
Great job on 12 days! Keep it up, D!
I'm starting to think that maybe there is no conspiracy against my sobriety. Good news.
Great job on 12 days! Keep it up, D!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I'm happy that you didn't drink, SoberD.
I'll offer you the same thing I've offered others in similar situations. There is no need for "experiments" or "tests" in early sobriety. We read about the success stories here, but we also read about the failures. And we cannot know how many failures occurred when those people do not come back here to report on the outcome.
Early success does not predict future outcomes, and often provides an illusory sense of security. It didn't happen this time, but there will likely come a time when you'll either lose your senses by virtue of being around a bunch of people who are drinking, or you'll give in to the moment with the expectation that it's only "just this one time."
Very few people here have successfully remained sober by continuing to attend events that feature drinking or hang out with people who are little more than drinking buddies. I would not have placed myself in these situations for at least my first year or so because I knew I would eventually drink had I done so, and I'm hardly alone in this.
With more than three years of sobriety now, I'm more or less indifferent to people around me who are drinking, though I never put myself in such a position without a good reason. I've been through several holidays and other events where people were drinking, and I've learned to pay more attention to what I can bring to the event, rather than what I'm getting or not getting by being there.
The reality for me was that I needed to change a great deal in my life, including people, places and things that I associated with my drinking, and the long-term "loss" was not nearly as painful as I'd imagined it would be. It was all about what I replaced my drinking life with, a life that was decidedly unsustainable (and later, undesirable) in every meaningful way.
For me, successful sobriety was not about going back to my old life without drinking, but building a new and better life in which I neither needed nor wanted to drink.
I'll offer you the same thing I've offered others in similar situations. There is no need for "experiments" or "tests" in early sobriety. We read about the success stories here, but we also read about the failures. And we cannot know how many failures occurred when those people do not come back here to report on the outcome.
Early success does not predict future outcomes, and often provides an illusory sense of security. It didn't happen this time, but there will likely come a time when you'll either lose your senses by virtue of being around a bunch of people who are drinking, or you'll give in to the moment with the expectation that it's only "just this one time."
Very few people here have successfully remained sober by continuing to attend events that feature drinking or hang out with people who are little more than drinking buddies. I would not have placed myself in these situations for at least my first year or so because I knew I would eventually drink had I done so, and I'm hardly alone in this.
With more than three years of sobriety now, I'm more or less indifferent to people around me who are drinking, though I never put myself in such a position without a good reason. I've been through several holidays and other events where people were drinking, and I've learned to pay more attention to what I can bring to the event, rather than what I'm getting or not getting by being there.
The reality for me was that I needed to change a great deal in my life, including people, places and things that I associated with my drinking, and the long-term "loss" was not nearly as painful as I'd imagined it would be. It was all about what I replaced my drinking life with, a life that was decidedly unsustainable (and later, undesirable) in every meaningful way.
For me, successful sobriety was not about going back to my old life without drinking, but building a new and better life in which I neither needed nor wanted to drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Congrats on 12 days! I'm glad it worked out well for you. There are always those firsts that I'm encountering too. I wanted to share something with you that I learned at a meeting yesterday. Always have an exit strategy. If you get triggered, remove yourself from the situation. You don't owe anyone an apology or explanation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 43
SoberD, you did great!
I have to say, though, that I agree with EndGameNYC's advice. That advice echoes what they professed in rehab, and it's advice I wish I had followed. Instead, I went back to my old, toxic ways by: 1. Thinking that I could handle being around alcohol and not drinking, then: 2. Thinking I could be around drinking and have just one or two. We all know how that plan invariably ends.
My husband and I were invited to this annual Christmas party tonight at our party friends' house. Every year, we go and get blitzed - booze, coke, pot - and end up fighting or acting like jackasses. Then of course, we feel like sh*t the next day.
Well, some part of me was aching to go this year, but with only 13 days under my belt as of today, I knew I would cave.
So, instead, I got us tickets to a play. It's a pretty expensive night out, but not half as expensive as if we were were partying. Even now, since it's Saturday, I keep thinking about getting day-drunk and then going to that party tonight, but then I remember, "nope, we are going to the theater tonight".
Clearly, I am no role model, but I think hanging out with your friends (or with new friends) in a non-partying scene is safer for you. I know it is for me.
Thanks.
I have to say, though, that I agree with EndGameNYC's advice. That advice echoes what they professed in rehab, and it's advice I wish I had followed. Instead, I went back to my old, toxic ways by: 1. Thinking that I could handle being around alcohol and not drinking, then: 2. Thinking I could be around drinking and have just one or two. We all know how that plan invariably ends.
My husband and I were invited to this annual Christmas party tonight at our party friends' house. Every year, we go and get blitzed - booze, coke, pot - and end up fighting or acting like jackasses. Then of course, we feel like sh*t the next day.
Well, some part of me was aching to go this year, but with only 13 days under my belt as of today, I knew I would cave.
So, instead, I got us tickets to a play. It's a pretty expensive night out, but not half as expensive as if we were were partying. Even now, since it's Saturday, I keep thinking about getting day-drunk and then going to that party tonight, but then I remember, "nope, we are going to the theater tonight".
Clearly, I am no role model, but I think hanging out with your friends (or with new friends) in a non-partying scene is safer for you. I know it is for me.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC 
I'm happy that you didn't drink, SoberD.
I'll offer you the same thing I've offered others in similar situations. There is no need for "experiments" or "tests" in early sobriety. We read about the success stories here, but we also read about the failures. And we cannot know how many failures occurred when those people do not come back here to report on the outcome.
Early success does not predict future outcomes, and often provides an illusory sense of security. It didn't happen this time, but there will likely come a time when you'll either lose your senses by virtue of being around a bunch of people who are drinking, or you'll give in to the moment with the expectation that it's only "just this one time."
Very few people here have successfully remained sober by continuing to attend events that feature drinking or hang out with people who are little more than drinking buddies. I would not have placed myself in these situations for at least my first year or so because I knew I would eventually drink had I done so, and I'm hardly alone in this.
With more than three years of sobriety now, I'm more or less indifferent to people around me who are drinking, though I never put myself in such a position without a good reason. I've been through several holidays and other events where people were drinking, and I've learned to pay more attention to what I can bring to the event, rather than what I'm getting or not getting by being there.
The reality for me was that I needed to change a great deal in my life, including people, places and things that I associated with my drinking, and the long-term "loss" was not nearly as painful as I'd imagined it would be. It was all about what I replaced my drinking life with, a life that was decidedly unsustainable (and later, undesirable) in every meaningful way.
For me, successful sobriety was not about going back to my old life without drinking, but building a new and better life in which I neither needed nor wanted to drink.
I'll offer you the same thing I've offered others in similar situations. There is no need for "experiments" or "tests" in early sobriety. We read about the success stories here, but we also read about the failures. And we cannot know how many failures occurred when those people do not come back here to report on the outcome.
Early success does not predict future outcomes, and often provides an illusory sense of security. It didn't happen this time, but there will likely come a time when you'll either lose your senses by virtue of being around a bunch of people who are drinking, or you'll give in to the moment with the expectation that it's only "just this one time."
Very few people here have successfully remained sober by continuing to attend events that feature drinking or hang out with people who are little more than drinking buddies. I would not have placed myself in these situations for at least my first year or so because I knew I would eventually drink had I done so, and I'm hardly alone in this.
With more than three years of sobriety now, I'm more or less indifferent to people around me who are drinking, though I never put myself in such a position without a good reason. I've been through several holidays and other events where people were drinking, and I've learned to pay more attention to what I can bring to the event, rather than what I'm getting or not getting by being there.
The reality for me was that I needed to change a great deal in my life, including people, places and things that I associated with my drinking, and the long-term "loss" was not nearly as painful as I'd imagined it would be. It was all about what I replaced my drinking life with, a life that was decidedly unsustainable (and later, undesirable) in every meaningful way.
For me, successful sobriety was not about going back to my old life without drinking, but building a new and better life in which I neither needed nor wanted to drink.
As I mentioned, I do not intend to temp fate or set myself up for failure by frequenting such events, especially early in sobriety. However, for me at least, my desire to drink has always been inexorably linked to my desire to socialize, meet people, etc. Of course, I recognize that people socialize in many settings without drinking but at the same time, I want to reach the point where I just go about my life (attending whatever events I want) and not have to shy away from anything because there might be alcohol present. As I said, it is very difficult to "hide" from alcohol in our society.
Nevertheless, it still is quite early but my purpose in this "experiment" was to see how I felt about being sober in a setting where people were drinking, as a means to gauge what I must do in recovery to ensure that I could go to such events and enjoy them without drinking. Certainly, I do not intend to be hanging out at bars just because it is Friday night or whatever but in order to achieve a healthy balance of sobriety and social life, my approach is to not "fear" alcohol but rather, accept that it will be around sometimes and stick to my convictions that if I partake, only bad things with come.
That said, like you mentioned, there will have to be "good reasons" to put myself in those situations. Somebody here mentioned building "sober references" to me once - that if I can experience more things sober and build those reference points, being sober in everything I do will become the norm, whether alcohol is around or not.
Again, thank you for the thoughtful response - definitely "food for thought."
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Sober D first off a big well done on day 13
i wont exercise caution as you already have i can tell that you thought this through properly and i commend you as that takes acceptance you had an exit plan which you used
well done on 13 days again Sober D
i wont exercise caution as you already have i can tell that you thought this through properly and i commend you as that takes acceptance you had an exit plan which you used
well done on 13 days again Sober D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
NYC, I have been thinking through your comments today and had some new insights: I believe you are right that spending time with old drinking buddies in bars and at parties is "playing with fire" but more importantly, even if I were to successfully stay sober at such events, it still would come at the expense of meeting new people and enjoying new activities that don't revolve around alcohol. In other words, I would be missing opportunities to create a new enduring sober lifestyle that is not always putting my willpower to the test. My "experiment" happened to be successful this time but it is now time to let go of the old and embrace the new...
SD
SD
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
How about engaging some of the old friends (if you really like them and don't want to lose them) in new, sober activities? Are these alcoholic drinkers? If not, maybe go out with them to do things all of you are interested in but it has nothing to do with alcohol? Have one-on-one conversations with them so that you can get to know each-other better and see if there is more to the friendship than drinking buddies?
I reconnected with some old friends this year in sobriety and it's been quite interesting what came of these... experiments. Experiments in the interpersonal sense, not to test my sobriety in any form. No bars, no parties for me (unless I must for work, but would not do it often); I really don't enjoy those environments and events anymore.
I also made new friends, so for me my social life is a mix of the two. But I would always be careful about the old friends... if our old relationship was really centered around drinking, I will stay away. People we used to drink with can be some of the most powerful "cues" to trigger us due to all the associated memories that we carry. Better not play with that, I think, it's not a rational thing.
My biggest problem with drinking environments is that alcoholism makes us quite impulsive and unpredictable relative to alcohol; I can feel quite safe and secure generally, but temptations can come out of the blue and if there is alcohol available right around me, who knows what will happen on a whim. I'm nearing 11 months sober but am far from trusting myself unconditionally in this regard. There is no way I will risk to blow all the work I've been doing for a night out and hanging with some people, no matter who they are. And as I said, drinking-related places are really not interesting to me anymore. Sobriety is all about creating a new lifestyle and forming new, healthy habits, including the ways of socializing.
I reconnected with some old friends this year in sobriety and it's been quite interesting what came of these... experiments. Experiments in the interpersonal sense, not to test my sobriety in any form. No bars, no parties for me (unless I must for work, but would not do it often); I really don't enjoy those environments and events anymore.
I also made new friends, so for me my social life is a mix of the two. But I would always be careful about the old friends... if our old relationship was really centered around drinking, I will stay away. People we used to drink with can be some of the most powerful "cues" to trigger us due to all the associated memories that we carry. Better not play with that, I think, it's not a rational thing.
My biggest problem with drinking environments is that alcoholism makes us quite impulsive and unpredictable relative to alcohol; I can feel quite safe and secure generally, but temptations can come out of the blue and if there is alcohol available right around me, who knows what will happen on a whim. I'm nearing 11 months sober but am far from trusting myself unconditionally in this regard. There is no way I will risk to blow all the work I've been doing for a night out and hanging with some people, no matter who they are. And as I said, drinking-related places are really not interesting to me anymore. Sobriety is all about creating a new lifestyle and forming new, healthy habits, including the ways of socializing.
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