twentyfive

I did not expect this. This week I had to repair my pc and was done today. About an hour ago. I had been sober for about 1,5 weeks.

Suddenly I got the desire to do what I always did when I drink. Rent a movie and drink. I went to the store, got my beer and now... Well, I've started the first.

It wasn't the trauma that caused me to drink the first time. It was just an irresistible desire. As I was walking to the store, I thought "I can still stop this (No I can't). I can still turn around and just stay sober (No I can't. I will drink and I know it). I'm strong enough to resist (No I'm not)." The thoughts in between brackets are the realistic thoughts. Even though I tried to convince myself to not do it, I knew I couldn't not do it.

So, being someone who makes plans. I'm going to do something radical. Tomorrow, I'm going to detach from my old life. I'm going to pack my stuff and rent a hotel room. I will not bring my pc. I will only bring all I need. From that hotel room I will arrange for rehab to start as soon as possible.

And btw, I will ask to have the minibar removed from my room. If they can't, I will empty it out and pay for all the damn booze that's in there.

It's too important to let this go wrong. Tomorrow I will completely detach from my old life and rebuild it from the ground up. This is not drunk talk, I've only had half a beer. I've thought it through.

I need to get out of my environment and change before I return home.

This also means: no more internet. No more pc. They're triggers. I will actually need to buy a simple phone on Monday, which can't do internet. I'll go to the library to look up the phone numbers I need.

This also means that I will delete my login info of this forum. I need to get away from the digital world, which is my trigger. Eventually I might be back, but I really need to get away from everything.

newlifecy

Glad youre making a decision! My question is why is all of this going to happen tomorrow? Pour out the rest of the alcohol, call a rehab and get in there today. Today is as good of a day as any and a whole lot better than tomorrow. Alot can happen by tomorrow. Forget the hotel room etc. Bad idea.....lot's of isolation etc. Today, today, today. Good luck.

SDH73

Sorry to see you go, twenty-five. It's good that you're planning for rehab, though. Sometimes drastic actions are called for.

Are you going to continue to drink tonight? Seems like that would be counterproductive.

twentyfive

It's night time over here so it would be a bit difficult to get into rehab right now.

Ok, that was the excuse.

Truth, I'm drinking and can't stop until I'm done with this "session".

The isolation won't be a problem btw. It's only for a really short while. It's a way to get away from my old environment. I can only return changed or I will drink again. And I have nowhere else to go.

Thank you.

twentyfive

Even though I wish I could control my drinking at this point, I know that I'm going to continue drinking tonight.

Kero

Sorry to hear that. Stay strong. Dump what you have left out if you can. I know it is tough. Been there myself many, many times.

Many of us have had that conversation as we're walking to the store to get booze. I swear it is like the old cartoons where there's a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

Hang in there, get sober as soon as you can and get help. Keep communicating with people as best you can (meeting, etc).

twentyfive

Thank you. I will be fine though. The problem was that when I first quit, I didn't get into rehab right away since I didn't think it was necessary. Now I know it is. My goal is to get into rehab. Period. From there on out, things should work out.

twentyfive

Ok, booked the room, I can check in tomorrow. Wrote down all the phone numbers I need. Time to log off and start re-building my life.

Thank you all be well my friends.

SDH73

Best wishes!

desypete

in aa we give out of phone numbers to new comers in the hope that when there alone and about to go to the shop to buy booze they ring one of us up instead and we will help them it really does work if we work it but if we dont bother than there is no chance of not buying the stuff

the problem is in the person if there going to ring up and call out for help or not

if they dont get into the habbit of take a simple step as to call somoene then they will more than likely pick up the drink again and again until one day they might just give it a try and find out themselves it does work they dont have to go and buy booze they can call another alcoholic instead or get to a meeting

it sounds so simple and it is but when your caught up in that way of thinking we decide we are not going to do that as we want that drink more than we want to try to stay sober

Soberwolf

Twenty five you have convinced yourself that this was inevitable or something and sorry im not buying that we all have a choice and your AV is running riot

i seriously hope you stop drinking asap you have been down this road theres nothing there for you if you dont believe me read your post http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...need-help.html

Twentyfive you were doing well and can continue to do so

get rid of any remaining booze

DoPerdition

I'm glad you are checking into rehab. Best wishes!

JanieJ

Twentyfive, good luck with rehab.

I think you're making a mistake cutting yourself off from the support here though.

As Wolf said, I'm not buying this either.

I hope you come back, you were doing so well my friend.

LBrain

Best Wishes 25.

Do what is necessary, stomp this into the ground.

Maybe see you back again sometime soon? Keep us in the loop.

blueyes618

Best of luck to you. You can do this!

Dee74

Nah. You could, but you don't want to. There's a difference. And I have to be honest - that worries me for the following through of your plan, 25

you have a fairly momentous plan, and a fairly momentous problem...you're going to need support, even if you go to rehab - if not online it's gonna have to be face to face....AA SMART LifeRing, counselling

I really hope you follow through - best wishes

D

Brauggi

To me your original post sounds like a cry for help. I really hope you are able to follow through with your plan and get into rehab to start the healing process. I know that I made some lofty promises to myself during my drinking periods and I know that things change in light of a hangover or whatever other circumstances I may have caused myself to be in after drinking heavily.

I know that you mentioned that internet and technology are your triggers, but it also sounds like you are cutting yourself off from the only sober community that you are accountable to right now. I know that, for me, if I take away something that makes me accountable it leads to a path that ends with more alcohol.

I wish you all the best and I hope that you are able to get into rehab to work on your sobriety, but I also hope you come back to this forum when you are in a different frame of mind. I know that this community has really helped me and I know that I still have much to learn from them.

Thepatman

I wouldn't be to drastic in my changes if I were you. Rehab sounds great, so does detox. But you can keep a lifeline opened.

Your pc might be a trigger if you are a gamer for example. Just stop playing for a while until your sobriety legs are stronger?

Hope you find the path that fits your needs and make sobriety stick.

Read about AVRT, your conversation at the beginning of your thread was with your addictive voice (AV). It, the beast as it's called can really be tempting.

chickippo

by the time i agreed to cut down on my drinking, it was already too late for me. to get my booze on i would check into hotel rooms, switch my phone off and drink.

please be well.

anattaboy

I spent a lot of time here when detoxing and a lot of time since and believe SR has helped me a great deal. Congrats on deciding to give up the high cost of low living.