He's officially moved out....relieved, confused, thinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
He's officially moved out....relieved, confused, thinking.
Well, he moved his things out early this morning. I wouldn't even go downstairs. I packed his things and left them all by the basement door so he'd have no reason to come upstairs. He send me a text last night and asked if he could see me one more time before he left today, but I saw no purpose in that except making things worse. He then asked if he could say goodbye to the dog. They were very attached, but I think it would make things worse for her. She's just stopped acting depressed. Seeing her depressed destroys me.
It's just a shame that someone would choose alcohol and the life that comes along with it over your fiance, a nice home and the fun and happiness that comes along with being happy with one another. Instead, he'll live in a room at his parent's house and drink himself to sleep every day/night. It sickens me that he will get behind the wheel of a car and drive so intoxicated. It terrified me because my brother was killed in a drunk driving accident at 23 years old and I was so scared that I'd have to go through it again with my fiance. I talked to him about this so many times, and he'd promise, and just do it again. Or what about the innocent family that he hits? I know it wouldn't be my fault per se, but by staying together, I felt like I was condoning that behavior and I don't. At all. I'd cry, beg, talk calmly, fight, yell and threaten, but nothing got through. He'd still come home drunk after driving. Constantly.
It just seemed so easy, after the initial obligatory asking to work things out, for him to go. I told him to make a choice - a commitment to getting sober or to leave. He left. Wow. Just wow.
I'm actually ok - sort of relieved and completely accepting of the fact that there wasn't a single thing I could have done to change this outcome, because he refuses to help himself and I refuse to live like that. I want to be happy, not constantly full of anxiety and worry.
It's just so very sad and a little hard to swallow the fact that I'll probably never see him again, but it was time. I just pray that if he took anything away from this, it's that there is a better life out there than the road he's heading down. Despite all of the chaos and sadness at the end, we were very good to one another and we did have some wonderful, non drunk moments. He told me on so many occasions that I saved his life and he'd never been so happy in his life. I didn't save his life, but I do believe he was very happy for a while. I was too.
Sigh. I hope he ends up ok. :/
It's just a shame that someone would choose alcohol and the life that comes along with it over your fiance, a nice home and the fun and happiness that comes along with being happy with one another. Instead, he'll live in a room at his parent's house and drink himself to sleep every day/night. It sickens me that he will get behind the wheel of a car and drive so intoxicated. It terrified me because my brother was killed in a drunk driving accident at 23 years old and I was so scared that I'd have to go through it again with my fiance. I talked to him about this so many times, and he'd promise, and just do it again. Or what about the innocent family that he hits? I know it wouldn't be my fault per se, but by staying together, I felt like I was condoning that behavior and I don't. At all. I'd cry, beg, talk calmly, fight, yell and threaten, but nothing got through. He'd still come home drunk after driving. Constantly.
It just seemed so easy, after the initial obligatory asking to work things out, for him to go. I told him to make a choice - a commitment to getting sober or to leave. He left. Wow. Just wow.
I'm actually ok - sort of relieved and completely accepting of the fact that there wasn't a single thing I could have done to change this outcome, because he refuses to help himself and I refuse to live like that. I want to be happy, not constantly full of anxiety and worry.
It's just so very sad and a little hard to swallow the fact that I'll probably never see him again, but it was time. I just pray that if he took anything away from this, it's that there is a better life out there than the road he's heading down. Despite all of the chaos and sadness at the end, we were very good to one another and we did have some wonderful, non drunk moments. He told me on so many occasions that I saved his life and he'd never been so happy in his life. I didn't save his life, but I do believe he was very happy for a while. I was too.
Sigh. I hope he ends up ok. :/
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, I hope he ends up OK, too.
I think you handled this very well--very responsibly. You inflicted no unnecessary pain on either one of you.
Now, just a heads-up. Don't be shocked or surprised if you hear from him shortly (after the novelty of living in mom and dad's basement wears off) that he has seen the light and he's now ready to do the right thing. Oh, and of course, he will need you by his side for support if he is to do this.
If you take him back before he has been sober for a pretty substantial length of time (at least a year), you are likely to wind up in the same place, only even more disappointed and stressed-out.
If you hear a pitch from him to get back together based on what he claims he is ready to do, you can just say something like, "I'm very happy to hear you are taking care of yourself, and I really hope you get well. I can't be there as your 'support'--you need the kind of support I can't give you. If you want to give me a call after you've been sober for a year, we can talk and see where we are both at. I'm not putting my life on hold in the meantime, and you shouldn't either."
OTOH, he might just keep deteriorating. Or he might get sober and find someone else. Those will be his decisions, and his path. You need to create your own path moving forward.
Nice job.
I think you handled this very well--very responsibly. You inflicted no unnecessary pain on either one of you.
Now, just a heads-up. Don't be shocked or surprised if you hear from him shortly (after the novelty of living in mom and dad's basement wears off) that he has seen the light and he's now ready to do the right thing. Oh, and of course, he will need you by his side for support if he is to do this.
If you take him back before he has been sober for a pretty substantial length of time (at least a year), you are likely to wind up in the same place, only even more disappointed and stressed-out.
If you hear a pitch from him to get back together based on what he claims he is ready to do, you can just say something like, "I'm very happy to hear you are taking care of yourself, and I really hope you get well. I can't be there as your 'support'--you need the kind of support I can't give you. If you want to give me a call after you've been sober for a year, we can talk and see where we are both at. I'm not putting my life on hold in the meantime, and you shouldn't either."
OTOH, he might just keep deteriorating. Or he might get sober and find someone else. Those will be his decisions, and his path. You need to create your own path moving forward.
Nice job.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: milwaukee, wi
Posts: 48
sorry to hear about this... with the choice he took, he left You no choice... your sadness over this will be short lived as your emotions begin to fade, the common sense of your decision will prevail and you will be confident you made the right decision.
as i said,,, compare your, relatively short sadness, anxiety, pain over this choice you made, Vs. the long term effects of staying in the relationship. trying save the sinking ship of his alcohol dependency, is not the way you want to START your marriage with ANYONE... it is way to well documented that the problems he is participating in,, ENDS relationships, marriages, jobs, freedoms(jail).... you did good in sticking up for yourself.. now you can get on with Your life on Your terms...
as i said,,, compare your, relatively short sadness, anxiety, pain over this choice you made, Vs. the long term effects of staying in the relationship. trying save the sinking ship of his alcohol dependency, is not the way you want to START your marriage with ANYONE... it is way to well documented that the problems he is participating in,, ENDS relationships, marriages, jobs, freedoms(jail).... you did good in sticking up for yourself.. now you can get on with Your life on Your terms...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FlippedRHalo.....I can't add too much more to the responses you have already had....except to say that the emotions that you have expressed are totally normal and to be expected.
You are going to grieve some. We all have to grieve the necessary losses that we have in this life....even the loss of certain dreams that we might have had. Grieving is the first step of healing.....
It is so MAJOR that you have been able to put your own welfare as the first priority--even though this has been a bitter pill for you. Major!!
So many people, in your situation are too loathe to withstand the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.
I predict that you will bounce back in a relatively short time.
Please let us know how it is going for you!
dandylion
You are going to grieve some. We all have to grieve the necessary losses that we have in this life....even the loss of certain dreams that we might have had. Grieving is the first step of healing.....
It is so MAJOR that you have been able to put your own welfare as the first priority--even though this has been a bitter pill for you. Major!!
So many people, in your situation are too loathe to withstand the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.
I predict that you will bounce back in a relatively short time.
Please let us know how it is going for you!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I'm actually ok - sort of relieved and completely accepting of the fact that there wasn't a single thing I could have done to change this outcome, because he refuses to help himself and I refuse to live like that. I want to be happy, not constantly full of anxiety and worry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
He just sent me a text asking whether we were still going to exchange Christmas gifts.....whaaaat?! WHAAAAT?? He said if I wasn't going to get what I told him I'd get him, that his father was going to get it, so he wanted to know whether or not to tell him to go ahead. Seriously?
This man makes me question life and sanity on a very deep level sometimes.
I couldn't have been nicer in my goodbye, even after all of the pain, lies, deceit and broken promises. I told him that it isn't that I don't care, quite the contrary, I care too much to watch him slowly destroy his health, mind and soul. I wished him the very best and told him that I hoped he could eventually find his peace and happiness, but that it was time to sever ties and part ways. We had no other choice since he wouldn't make a commitment to work on getting and staying sober.
He moved all of his things out this morning and I didn't even go down the stairs. He asked if he could see the dog and I one more time before we said goodbye for good. What in God's good name would make him text me to ask whether we're still exchanging gifts or not or if he should have his dad get what I was supposed to get for him?
He didn't fight to stay - he halfheartedly said he'd seek help, but he'd always say that and then nothing. Before we actually broke up officially, when this was really coming to a head, he kept going out and coming home drunk, so it's pretty obvious that straightening up and trying to work things out so that I didn't end it wasn't any kind of priority for him. It makes no sense - he's making absolutely no sense and I don't understand what his motive is.
This is just craziness.
This man makes me question life and sanity on a very deep level sometimes.
I couldn't have been nicer in my goodbye, even after all of the pain, lies, deceit and broken promises. I told him that it isn't that I don't care, quite the contrary, I care too much to watch him slowly destroy his health, mind and soul. I wished him the very best and told him that I hoped he could eventually find his peace and happiness, but that it was time to sever ties and part ways. We had no other choice since he wouldn't make a commitment to work on getting and staying sober.
He moved all of his things out this morning and I didn't even go down the stairs. He asked if he could see the dog and I one more time before we said goodbye for good. What in God's good name would make him text me to ask whether we're still exchanging gifts or not or if he should have his dad get what I was supposed to get for him?
He didn't fight to stay - he halfheartedly said he'd seek help, but he'd always say that and then nothing. Before we actually broke up officially, when this was really coming to a head, he kept going out and coming home drunk, so it's pretty obvious that straightening up and trying to work things out so that I didn't end it wasn't any kind of priority for him. It makes no sense - he's making absolutely no sense and I don't understand what his motive is.
This is just craziness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Well sometimes the best response is no response.
You sound really together Flipped Halo. I hope you meet up with a great worthwhile partner when you are ready.
You sound really together Flipped Halo. I hope you meet up with a great worthwhile partner when you are ready.
Last edited by CodeJob; 12-06-2014 at 02:32 PM. Reason: Punctuation
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Well at least you have another affirmation of it's all aboutme, me, me .
Because me and my happiness, and my christmas wish list come before you
And just a hunch, you haven't heard the last from him, and I am basing that on his current are you still getting me that for Christmas remark, he currently does not have both oars in the water.
Because me and my happiness, and my christmas wish list come before you
And just a hunch, you haven't heard the last from him, and I am basing that on his current are you still getting me that for Christmas remark, he currently does not have both oars in the water.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I kicked my XABF out a few weeks before Christmas. He did all the usual trying to hook me back in, going from anger-hate-posting all over my MySpace page (yeah this was a few years ago...) to crying and pleading and begging me to re-consider. This went on for about a week and when it finally hit him that none of was getting hm anywhere, he just up and asked me if I had already bought him the very expensive shirt and shoes he wanted for Christmas, and if so, could he have them.
I gave them to him, kissed the $ goodbye with peace in my heart and had that little tidbit to remind me what our relationship was like the several times he tried to make contact over the next few months.
I gave them to him, kissed the $ goodbye with peace in my heart and had that little tidbit to remind me what our relationship was like the several times he tried to make contact over the next few months.
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