Unexpected call from him
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Unexpected call from him
So I was washing the dishes and my parents weren't home. I received a call from an unknown number in our phone, because we have an ID but I didn't recognized the number. I was the only one home so I answered, and it was him... To hear his voice was weird because I was thinking about the things all members write in here and about how I felt like he used me... But I listened. He then started to explain to me that he left me because I told my parents the whole suspicion about him cheating on me with his ex, that they now hated him and that nothing could be done about it. I told him that his reasons for breaking up seemed like he was covering up something else.. that when you love someone and you have nothing to hide you work to be with that person. So either way he did never really loved me or he was lying to me about something...
He said again that he never cheated on me... But I got sick and told him that he never really loved me because you don't lie or insult the ones you love, and you don't hide your real motives to them and then blame them for everything. I told him it was a coward way out and that I wanted to be with someone who really loved me and showed it to me with actions... and that keep on blaming myself for his weird relationship with his ex and for the failure of ours was just making me waste my time. I told him I wanted to forgive myself, that I knew I had mistakes and that I was sorry, that it was on him if he didn't recognized before the fact that I was sorry.., that I wanted and needed to move on.
I think he got kind of mad, because he said I was right and nothing could be done at this point. That things between us were dead and he again said I was too complicated, that I had more issues than cheaters and most women in the planet and then he just said "good riddance", left me there and hung the phone.
I know him so he won't write or call again, and I don't want to do it either now, I don't care if he tomorrow feels like he loves me again...
Was it wrong to say this things to him?
He said again that he never cheated on me... But I got sick and told him that he never really loved me because you don't lie or insult the ones you love, and you don't hide your real motives to them and then blame them for everything. I told him it was a coward way out and that I wanted to be with someone who really loved me and showed it to me with actions... and that keep on blaming myself for his weird relationship with his ex and for the failure of ours was just making me waste my time. I told him I wanted to forgive myself, that I knew I had mistakes and that I was sorry, that it was on him if he didn't recognized before the fact that I was sorry.., that I wanted and needed to move on.
I think he got kind of mad, because he said I was right and nothing could be done at this point. That things between us were dead and he again said I was too complicated, that I had more issues than cheaters and most women in the planet and then he just said "good riddance", left me there and hung the phone.
I know him so he won't write or call again, and I don't want to do it either now, I don't care if he tomorrow feels like he loves me again...
Was it wrong to say this things to him?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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No...it was not wrong! Is it wrong to be honest about your thoughts and feelings...of course not. I am glad that you were able to be so up front with him.
There is a saying: If you want to know when an alcoholic is full of crap (or not)...just tell then "NO" about something.....
I think this was a good example of that.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
dandylion
There is a saying: If you want to know when an alcoholic is full of crap (or not)...just tell then "NO" about something.....
I think this was a good example of that.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
dandylion
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Unless you're leaving out that you told him everything was his fault, and I mean everything, and lied that you admitted you made mistakes or about being sorry... I'm not really seeing how what you said could be 'wrong'.
You tried to explain (again) why you lost trust in him, you admitted you made mistakes as well.
It sounds like he's the one that went into total blame-the-other-person mode. He denied any wrong-doing, didn't admit to any mistakes, belittled your desire for honesty and respect from your partner, and proceeded to ridicule you before hanging up.
If you're looking for a reason that you were wrong, maybe it was for not hanging up the phone the moment you heard his voice. But really, I understand the bewilderment. When conversations with AXH went south, I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what I said wrong that 'made' him respond the way he did.
Hang in there.
You tried to explain (again) why you lost trust in him, you admitted you made mistakes as well.
It sounds like he's the one that went into total blame-the-other-person mode. He denied any wrong-doing, didn't admit to any mistakes, belittled your desire for honesty and respect from your partner, and proceeded to ridicule you before hanging up.
If you're looking for a reason that you were wrong, maybe it was for not hanging up the phone the moment you heard his voice. But really, I understand the bewilderment. When conversations with AXH went south, I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what I said wrong that 'made' him respond the way he did.
Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
Unless you're leaving out that you told him everything was his fault, and I mean everything, and lied that you admitted you made mistakes or about being sorry... I'm not really seeing how what you said could be 'wrong'.
You tried to explain (again) why you lost trust in him, you admitted you made mistakes as well.
It sounds like he's the one that went into total blame-the-other-person mode. He denied any wrong-doing, didn't admit to any mistakes, belittled your desire for honesty and respect from your partner, and proceeded to ridicule you before hanging up.
If you're looking for a reason that you were wrong, maybe it was for not hanging up the phone the moment you heard his voice. But really, I understand the bewilderment. When conversations with AXH went south, I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what I said wrong that 'made' him respond the way he did.
Hang in there.
You tried to explain (again) why you lost trust in him, you admitted you made mistakes as well.
It sounds like he's the one that went into total blame-the-other-person mode. He denied any wrong-doing, didn't admit to any mistakes, belittled your desire for honesty and respect from your partner, and proceeded to ridicule you before hanging up.
If you're looking for a reason that you were wrong, maybe it was for not hanging up the phone the moment you heard his voice. But really, I understand the bewilderment. When conversations with AXH went south, I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what I said wrong that 'made' him respond the way he did.
Hang in there.
Not only because I was regretting my decision at the time, but because I felt like I hurt him and it also hurt me. (There were times I could have been more understanding, and times when I was too demanding.. I admitted all of those things many times).
I thought that I had to be honest about the things I did wrong because I really loved him...
He never really cared about his own mistakes, he never apologized for insulting me, for maintaining contact with his ex while he was with me, or for hiding the truth. It is absurd.
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Originally Posted by charis78
If things are dead between you, why is he calling?
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Here is my take on this......... and it's just my .02 cents
Thinking he wanted to hear, "oh I miss you, oh I am so sorry, oh I want to see you, I want to be with you, we can work this out"
And
When you did not offer him a soft place to land, out come the daggers, spewing venom again, the "good riddance" and the hang up,.... that's is what you need to remember here, he is not willing to invest in YOU, he wants it all his way, or no way at all. you are to bow down and except him exactly as he is, because after all you are the one with all the problems and complications, he walks on water and is squeaky clean!
I would not confuse him calling you with him caring about you. ( I am not saying that to be cruel) I am simply looking at it from the outside. Often when we are emotional vested it's difficult to see things for what they are.
He hung up on you, because he is a king azz baby! unable to deal in reality and truth.
Thinking he wanted to hear, "oh I miss you, oh I am so sorry, oh I want to see you, I want to be with you, we can work this out"
And
When you did not offer him a soft place to land, out come the daggers, spewing venom again, the "good riddance" and the hang up,.... that's is what you need to remember here, he is not willing to invest in YOU, he wants it all his way, or no way at all. you are to bow down and except him exactly as he is, because after all you are the one with all the problems and complications, he walks on water and is squeaky clean!
I would not confuse him calling you with him caring about you. ( I am not saying that to be cruel) I am simply looking at it from the outside. Often when we are emotional vested it's difficult to see things for what they are.
He hung up on you, because he is a king azz baby! unable to deal in reality and truth.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Here is my take on this......... and it's just my .02 cents
Thinking he wanted to hear, "oh I miss you, oh I am so sorry, oh I want to see you, I want to be with you, we can work this out"
And
When you did not offer him a soft place to land, out come the daggers, spewing venom again, the "good riddance" and the hang up,.... that's is what you need to remember here, he is not willing to invest in YOU, he wants it all his way, or no way at all. you are to bow down and except him exactly as he is, because after all you are the one with all the problems and complications, he walks on water and is squeaky clean!
I would not confuse him calling you with him caring about you. ( I am not saying that to be cruel) I am simply looking at it from the outside. Often when we are emotional vested it's difficult to see things for what they are.
He hung up on you, because he is a king azz baby! unable to deal in reality and truth.
Thinking he wanted to hear, "oh I miss you, oh I am so sorry, oh I want to see you, I want to be with you, we can work this out"
And
When you did not offer him a soft place to land, out come the daggers, spewing venom again, the "good riddance" and the hang up,.... that's is what you need to remember here, he is not willing to invest in YOU, he wants it all his way, or no way at all. you are to bow down and except him exactly as he is, because after all you are the one with all the problems and complications, he walks on water and is squeaky clean!
I would not confuse him calling you with him caring about you. ( I am not saying that to be cruel) I am simply looking at it from the outside. Often when we are emotional vested it's difficult to see things for what they are.
He hung up on you, because he is a king azz baby! unable to deal in reality and truth.
Yeah, to hear his promises and tell him I miss him just to get dumped and/or insulted once again? No... I want consistency... he has prooved many times that he will never give me that.
Thank you for being honest... it is not cruel.
I need to hear the reality...
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I'd like to second what Dandylion said about watching what happens when you tell an A "no" to see how they're really doing in their recovery. My A knows the words to say to make it seem like he's really working his recovery, like he really has the insights and knowledge and is changing.
And it sounds pretty good, if you don't know him. If you don't realize that he's been spewing a lot of that same stuff for the entire time I've known him (he had years of NA/CA/AA experience before I met him) but has yet to actually incorporate it into his life and LIVE what he says...
And the wheels really come off when he doesn't get his way, when I don't buckle under to what he wants. This is one of the things that has led me to decide that we're done. The words come out of his mouth, but the actions don't match up.
What Marie said resonated w/me also, as I was recently informed by my A that I should get over any problems I have w/his actions over the course of our marriage. He has forgiven himself b/c he has a disease, and I can't possibly understand all that he went thru during this time, and in the end it was GOOD for me b/c thru this experience, I've learned the lessons I needed to learn. It was all meant to be.
(Sorry if any of that made anyone want to vomit....)
So yes, just keep your eyes on the prize (and here's a hint: It's not HIM!) and move ahead w/your life. You're doing fine.
And it sounds pretty good, if you don't know him. If you don't realize that he's been spewing a lot of that same stuff for the entire time I've known him (he had years of NA/CA/AA experience before I met him) but has yet to actually incorporate it into his life and LIVE what he says...
And the wheels really come off when he doesn't get his way, when I don't buckle under to what he wants. This is one of the things that has led me to decide that we're done. The words come out of his mouth, but the actions don't match up.
What Marie said resonated w/me also, as I was recently informed by my A that I should get over any problems I have w/his actions over the course of our marriage. He has forgiven himself b/c he has a disease, and I can't possibly understand all that he went thru during this time, and in the end it was GOOD for me b/c thru this experience, I've learned the lessons I needed to learn. It was all meant to be.
(Sorry if any of that made anyone want to vomit....)
So yes, just keep your eyes on the prize (and here's a hint: It's not HIM!) and move ahead w/your life. You're doing fine.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
What Marie said resonated w/me also, as I was recently informed by my A that I should get over any problems I have w/his actions over the course of our marriage. He has forgiven himself b/c he has a disease, and I can't possibly understand all that he went thru during this time, and in the end it was GOOD for me b/c thru this experience, I've learned the lessons I needed to learn. It was all meant to be.
Yes, I'm learning, and yes, I'll walk away a better and smarter person than I was before, but I'm having just a teensy bit of trouble w/his glib assertion that my suffering and struggles were meant to be, and I should just accept that, while his suffering and struggles are apparently something completely different and deserving of special treatment.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
And the wheels really come off when he doesn't get his way, when I don't buckle under to what he wants. This is one of the things that has led me to decide that we're done. The words come out of his mouth, but the actions don't match up.
It was weird because every time we actually reestablished contact he started posting things about missing the love of your life, very romantic stuff... When in reality he wasn't like that at all, and, when in fact, every time I tried to explain what I needed in order for us to have a trusting and meaningful relationship, he threw me away like a piece of trash.
He wanted to own me in his terms, and like you say: "words come out of his mouth, but the actions don't match up".
I definitely don't want to be "owned" and disrespected.
And don't be sorry about what you posted... We are here to be honest with ourselves. Thanks for your words
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He's looking for an enabler because real life is hard for his poor widdle alcoholic brain to handle. He wants a crash pad and a free pass to drink without consequence. My AM called everyone when her home went into foreclosure. And then again when her ABF got his fourth DUI and went to jail a couple weeks ago. I don't answer calls from unknown numbers. Maybe you shouldn't, either.
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
He's looking for an enabler because real life is hard for his poor widdle alcoholic brain to handle. He wants a crash pad and a free pass to drink without consequence. My AM called everyone when her home went into foreclosure. And then again when her ABF got his fourth DUI and went to jail a couple weeks ago. I don't answer calls from unknown numbers. Maybe you shouldn't, either.
But even with that, he is still looking for ways to escape from his responsibilities and/or blame me for the failure in our relationship, or at least make me feel like I am the one who should try more to make things right.
....From now on I won't respond any strange calls. Thank you NWGRITS.
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alcoholics and drug addicts continue to lay blame and chaos upon those who have enabled them until we make them stop, the only way to do that is to not engage.
I hope you move forward, and find a recovery tool that works well for you, it took me a long time to realize how important recovery was for me as well.
I hope you move forward, and find a recovery tool that works well for you, it took me a long time to realize how important recovery was for me as well.
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This year has been full of revelations because of this relationship.
I didn't wanted to write this out at first, but in this year (I am 20 years old) I realized that my father is an alcoholic. You may ask how is that I didn't knew that?.. well, it is because my mom won't let him drink at home, and she explained the whole situation to me after I broke up with this guy. She never liked him and she was worried that I was going to end up in a really bad place with him because she feared he had issues with alcohol and wanted me to be away from being married to someone like that, like she has been.
I don't know what the exact impact of that would be on me and my relationships... but I know that I have never had a real connection with my father. He has always been an unavailable person (mostly emotionally)...
So I need to discover many things... and work on them.
Thanks katiekate.
I didn't wanted to write this out at first, but in this year (I am 20 years old) I realized that my father is an alcoholic. You may ask how is that I didn't knew that?.. well, it is because my mom won't let him drink at home, and she explained the whole situation to me after I broke up with this guy. She never liked him and she was worried that I was going to end up in a really bad place with him because she feared he had issues with alcohol and wanted me to be away from being married to someone like that, like she has been.
I don't know what the exact impact of that would be on me and my relationships... but I know that I have never had a real connection with my father. He has always been an unavailable person (mostly emotionally)...
So I need to discover many things... and work on them.
Thanks katiekate.
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OMG, twenty, honey, reach out as often as you need to, lick these issues now, what I wish is that I had seen all this coming 30 years ago, when I was young.
You are worth so much, and you are so important, your happiness is important, and your health is important. My Dad was an alcoholic, my mother is an alcoholic, my x is an alcoholic, my brother spent time in jail on drug charges, my nephew died of a heroin overdose, his brother is an opiate addict too, in recovery , but his road has only begun, I use the word recovery loosely, be strong and convicted about what is important for you.
Sending prayers to you Katie
You are worth so much, and you are so important, your happiness is important, and your health is important. My Dad was an alcoholic, my mother is an alcoholic, my x is an alcoholic, my brother spent time in jail on drug charges, my nephew died of a heroin overdose, his brother is an opiate addict too, in recovery , but his road has only begun, I use the word recovery loosely, be strong and convicted about what is important for you.
Sending prayers to you Katie
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TImetoheal, I didn't know my own mother was an alcoholic until I was 19 and my sister asked me if I thought so, so it's no surprise to me that you didn't know.
I wish, however, that at the time I had access to support like you have here. It took me a long time and a lot of bumps in the road to really understand the affect that being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic had on my relationships with other people. So many things I thought relationships were "supposed to be" were very warped and broken, but I did not know any better. Please stay in touch here and if you can see a counselor to talk through what it means to have an addict for a parent (not to mention another parent who has "protected" you from it), I highly recommend it. Sending you strength and courage.
I wish, however, that at the time I had access to support like you have here. It took me a long time and a lot of bumps in the road to really understand the affect that being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic had on my relationships with other people. So many things I thought relationships were "supposed to be" were very warped and broken, but I did not know any better. Please stay in touch here and if you can see a counselor to talk through what it means to have an addict for a parent (not to mention another parent who has "protected" you from it), I highly recommend it. Sending you strength and courage.
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