happybeingme

Recently my mind has been revisiting things my mom has said to me over the years. Over and over I have been thinking of them and couldnt figure out why. Than it dawned on me. My mother systematically poisoned my mind toward my father and sisters.

To explain my mother would say things like you were the only child your daD wanted. He never wanted more than one kid.
Than she would say your poor sisters they have no memories of having a dad. At least you were 7 when he left. So you have memories
And than she would share intimate details of my dads infidelities with me. Despite the fact it was not only inappropriate I was too young to understand what she was talking about.

If all that werent enough she would also tell me over the years that my anger and depression were because of unresolved issues with my dad.

I really started wondering why she deliberately caused these rifts and negative emotions in me. Because I realize that even now I sometimes resent my sisters and for a long time I hated my dad.

The only conclusion I can come up with is she must really hate me. That doesnt make me feel sad or bad. I actually feel relief. Because I know now that I absolutely owe her nothing

biminiblue

I sort of think they unconsciously punish us for being the closest thing to him. Like we remind her of him and also remind her of her greatest failings.

It also seems to be the case that mothers try to be the most important person in their child's life, and try to exclude all others as having valid relationships with you.

Be kind. We are all fighting our demons.

happybeingme

Those points make a lot of sense. Especially since I look a lot like my dad and with memories coming back I remember hanging out with my dad a lot. He and I were super close.

Its odd you say our moms want us to be closest with her. My mother never took me or my sisters under her wing. Never taught us girlie stuff or anything.

I am being good to myself. Thanks for the reminder. I will be happy though when I can finally say goodbye and bury this stuff in the past for good.

irisgardens

My mother did the same...happy--have done a lot of work around that particular topic...and came to believe that (it took years) that the reason she turned on me with my sister when he died...was that he liked me...and she couldn't handle it. It wasn't nirvana...she has never been capable or wanted to be with anyone who has problems or is poor...as an observant child, I saw that manifest...as well as the fact that she always (& did as recently as a year ago) liken me to my father's mother...but no part of her.

I helped Dad with the compassionate care in the family towards family--extended...and was his partner in all that. I have continued to experience burnout over the course of my married life as I work, do compassionate care or helping for husband or children or parents, and get overly stressed and fall apart. It is really really hard...and I continue to work on it...have had respites...but there has been an awful lot of really hard stuff in family relationships, addiction, being projected upon because I was the transparent one and didn't know I was naming the elephant in the room--do now. I was basically the stand-in parent when my parents travelled on business often...and it has affected my ability to handle stress as I have gotten older...and yet I keep believing (deep stuff) that I 'should' be able to do it...and am trying to work on that now...because it is killing me.

Lots of good things through recovery too...and hoping to regain my serenity and sanity with the latest pattern of the same old, same old.

irisgardens

so be patient with yourself...as you become aware of some of these things...we all move at our own pace...I always felt that something was not quite right...from 14 years old, at times, would ask her to tell me that she loved me...as I saw her treat my 3 younger siblings with seemingly more care...and she would tell me not to ask that question, because I might not like the answer I got. I would also beg her to tell me how I was like 'a relative' as she would compare my brother to dad, my other brother to her dad, and my sister to herself (?)--not sure...but when I would say who I reminded her of...she would say 'nobody' and I always felt as if I didn't matter or count. What I can say is that the more you work on these things (I worked with a therapist for many years)--it helps to clarify and help you to become aware and work through the feelings and emotions attached to those memories...and it can help so much...for a long time...I continued to lighten up and to come to understand that I didn't cause her behavior and it wasn't all my fault...and I didn't have to try harder...but less hard. Having something of a relapse because of the hard stuff going on right now in my immediate family...but working on that as well too.

irisgardens

she is still alive but the entire family (aside from my Dad who passed and marked the change -- or my becoming aware of the change in mom, sis...and over the past several years...the two brothers) has made it clear that I am not really part of them...I have worked to keep involved but it finally got too hard...in November...was told by a brother whose daughter was getting married (I finally got to the point where I didn't presume I would be welcome because I love family and all things family)--that when Mom and I are together there is always tension...and made it clear that it wouldn't be a close family time...got the message...let myself feel it and let it go...--and I have accepted it...took me a very long time...but am told that a mother connection is an important one...and I was also doing things to be with and there for my own family that were hard things...and working to be the best wife and mother I could learn to be...

irisgardens

i spent a lot of time hating myself for being so stupid and believing that she would be there for me (actually really took myself down working in a very hard/high pressure job and being there for her and Dad after his massive stroke...but the truth is that I made all the choices...so am currently fighting off the self-loathing and sense of failure that has retriggered for me...in another hard situation in my immediate family...and trying to stand strong enough...getting help...working here and in a f2f naranon...and working ongetting strong enough to take next steps.