AW1111

Hello it's been a while since I posted on here although I continue to read daily. I am seeking some advice and opinions!

My RAH is coming up on 60 days of not drinking. 30 of those days were in rehab in which he checked himself in when he was having a difficult time staying sober 'on his own'.

He is extremely dedicated to his sobriety (IMO) and I have seen leaps and bounds of change in his actions and behavior. Before leaving rehab he let me know that he was going to be doing 90 AA meetings in 90 days, wanted to go to marital counseling, connect with sober friends, change up his routine, and start working the steps with a sponsor.

He HAS gone to an AA meeting everyday, we have been going to marital counseling, and we even hosted our first "sober poker night" with a bunch of really nice people he met in treatment. He is very open to talking to me about his recovery, and his past actions when he was drinking. Everything is going better than I could hope for. He seems so happy and I feel great as well!

My dilemma is although he is going to daily meetings, he has yet to find a sponsor or even a temporary sponsor. I had mentioned it a few weeks ago, and he said he hadn't found anyone he felt really connected to yet. He said he really wants to start working the steps, (he reads the Big book often) and he will find one when the time is right. My gut is telling me he is trying to adjust to all of this new change with meetings, new sober friends, work, and balancing his life, not to mention being away from reality for 30+ days in rehab.

Is this a common thing? I have been attending Alanon myself, and I like to think I am staying out of his recovery as much as I can. I don't know if I should bring it up again, or if that is crossing the line of letting him connect with someone at his own pace? How imperative is it that an alcoholic in early recovery starts working the steps immediately? Red flag?

Any input would be great!!

biminiblue

I think you need to let him handle his own recovery process.

It is not necessary to have a sponsor. Many people in AA do not have sponsors.

If all is going well, then all is going well.

freetosmile

My AH stated (he doesn't have a sponsor yet and really isn't consistent with going) that when he asked someone to sponsor him they told him to wait for a while until he found someone that he really connected with, which sounds verbatim what your RA said. I think that is fine and normal IMO. I believe they said that to my AH to see if he would show any real consistency with meetings, and he hasn't. So I think they pegged him.

audra

I never got a sponsor. I am my own sponsor. The people who know and love me are my sponsors. No-one knows me better than me. I am not the type of person to let someone else be in control of me. This drinking thing is my problem and if I can't figure out how to stop it, then no sponsor or anyone else for that matter is going to be able to to it for me.

This might get deleted. Sometimes I get deleted for speaking my mind. But at least I'm speaking my mind - and it might get deleted. ha ha

SparkleKitty

His sponsor is his business. Focus on your own recovery and let him take care of his.

Carlotta

I will have 2 years sober next month and I don't have a sponsor.

happybeingme

I am going to tell you a secret.( its not really a secret). Sponsors arent a requirement in AA. Not even to do the steps. Step 5 only says "another person." Sponsors are a holdover from the old days when you had to have one to attend meetings. Once AA became official and opened their doors to "all who want to recover from alcohol". The need for sponsors went away.

I know AA members with decades of sobriety who never had a sponsor and used a clergy or therapist for help with some of the steps.

Hammer

So how are Your Sponsor and Steps doing?

Not being snarky. Really? How are You doing?

Have found this to be true -- When You Look Into the Abyss, The Abyss Looks Into You.

NYCDoglvr

Very good idea. Do you have a sponsor, by the way?

AW1111

Thank you everyone...this has really given me some clarity that I need to continue to back off and let him do what he needs to do with his recovery. Such a fine line figuring out when to step in, or when not to. Thank goodness for my SR friends!

It's kind of ironic A few of you asked about how I am doing in regards to a sponsor....to be honest I personally haven't found anyone I have really connected with either! I have been struggling with some aspects of Alanon, but I contribute them to the people running them in my area. I was going to one particular meeting weekly for almost 2 months straight, and it just didn't feel right anymore. I switched meetings, and have been trying to mix them up to see if I can find one I feel comfortable in. I am still going though....and I read a ton of Alanon literature which is why I believe in the program so much It has really helped me. Also, I have met some really incredible people throughout this process.

So that's kind of where I am at. I feel good? I feel like I am happy and have regained my sanity back. I feel confident in my boundaries which were made clear, and I know I will NEVER again tolerate or enable my RAH if he decides to live his life that way again. I am not turning a blind eye to the possibility of the "pink cloud", but I am trying to live in the present. Not the past, or the future. Today, I feel great

MissFixit

His sponsor and his recovery are his business, not yours. Your recovery is your business, not his.

It is a red flag that he doesn't have one and doesn't seem proactive in getting one. This is where your recovery work kicks in and you keep your focus on your stuff. He is an adult and has the right to make choices about how to work his recovery or not.

Hammer

Spent some time (years) like that, I suppose.

Not too long after I got onto Mrs. Hammer for pretty much being a Dry Drunk (really just Mental Illness, I suppose) and having a sham sponsor, I discovered for myself that actually as I was not really working the program, it sort of applied to me, as well.

Wound up running around in circles because my sponsor was really too old to even go through the Step stuff with me, and found myself crying (god, I hate that) in the middle of an Alanon meeting feeling sorry for myself. One of the women was going to be like a "pity f-ck" sponsor for me because I had become so pathetic.

Her sponsor no-go-ed her beyond Step 3 with me, and she sent me to "Find Yoda" at the Super Big Central ODAAT Meeting in Plano (the place is like Mecca for Alanon). But Yoda told he could not help me . . . (I was panicking and praying by then) but sent me to another guy who sent me to another guy . . .

Who runs an invitation Men's Step Group once a year. It is like Alanon Graduate School. We went through 5 books, for 20 weeks, 1-1/2 hour meeting on Sunday, and weekly 1-1/2 hour Sponsor Meeting. 20 guys, 3 Senior, and 2 above them. The top team was a Senior Exec, Engineering type, the other two were a Federal Bank Examiner, and an MD. I was simply out-gunned.

By the second week the top guys explained to me that they did not really know what Mrs. Hammer's problem(s) were, but they were pretty such my problem is that I was an A-Hole. Have to say they really understood me.

God can put us where we need to be.

Same for you, if you ask Him.

Just saying -- if you are watching over in "their" (the A's) lane . . . . Chances are there is some stuff you should be doing in your own.

Fix Your Own Stuff, First.

happybeingme

Hammer- I chose not to formally participate in AA. However I had 4 mentors who were invaluable when I when I first started on my recovery. Two have passed away( not alcohol related) One has moved on with his journey and the other I still keep in touch with.

Also, the information I stated came from Mitchell K the AA historian and my mentor (40years in AA and over 30 sober)

Hammer

oh, I did not mean that to you. I was stating back to AW -- since she was screwing around keeping tabs on her pet A.

stephendu

Yes this is common. He'll have just as good a chance without a sponsor.

AW1111

Hammer, it's hard to understand what is sarcasm or a serious answer through an online news feed. That being said, "she was screwing around keeping tabs on her pet A" seems like a cruel comment whether it was serious or sarcastic. The Pain and growth I am/went through as an individual has been a daunting task at hand, especially having a 2 year old daughter thrown in the mix.

The whole point of this post was an attempt to get some clarification for myself so I can stick to MY boundaries. I am sorry if I am not as educated on this topic as you but I am trying my very best. I am not an A, nor have I ever had to deal with anything remotely close to this before in my 27 years of life. I don't want to get involved in my RAH recovery, that is why I posted here before I opened my mouth to him.

Our addiction therapist who does our marriage counseling encourages open communication. What I was reaching out for was if it is typical for people who are in early recovery get a sponsor ASAP or if there is usually an adjustment period. Many responses on this page were extremely helpful as far as how the process can go. Some even stating their personal success stories without a sponsor at all by working their own programs. Even the comments of telling me I need to let him work his program, and I need to focus on me are appreciated.

Putting me down when I am not trying to defend my RAH in any way doesn't exactly make me feel encouraged to post again if I have a question.

Hammer

AW, we ALL do this. Watching over them . . . instead of us. But I am more laughing at myself in it than you. Really I have done ALL the same stuff. (and more )

The thing that (seemed to?) last longest for me was "counting dishes." I would somehow want to keep track that she was eating proper by noting if there were enough dirty dishes (sort of the opposite of counting beer cans). To me, dirty dishes meant No Anorexia. (Rehab was for Eating Disorders . . . after A, and A, and Cutting, and . . . on and on)

Now to me, counting dirty dishes means that I am wanting to mess in her stuff.

I understand the "what the ???" am I/you dealing with on the A's, as well. I have no real background towards this, either. Suppose that is why (per their Big Book) best to let the A's deal with the A's.

jmho, the whole Sponsor, not Sponsor all that is over-rated. Like I noted, Mrs. Hammer's is sort of a sham. (over 1000 miles away, have not seen each other in the real in a couple of years, fairly Codie, herself . . . on and on) BUT none of that is MY Problem.

But ALL of that is the A side of things. Fortunately for us, THAT is not our side.

On our side of things, we have ourselves. AND the kids.

So how about the Step stuff for you? Many folks find they cannot really ever get through them without a Sponsor.

Maybe let's start over with all I was asking YOU (no one else . . .)?

or not, all good, either way.

=================

So how are Your Sponsor and Steps doing?

Not being snarky. Really? How are You doing?

Have found this to be true -- When You Look Into the Abyss, The Abyss Looks Into You.

===============

They work on them . . . they maybe get better.

We work on us . . . . we maybe get better.

We mess with them . . . we just get a mess.

Believe it not, once you get past this, you will be able to look back and smile, and maybe sort of laugh about it, too. Just a few, or maybe a dozen, Steps away.

Hammer

.

Soberintexas007

If some people don't have sponsors, how do they work the steps? By themselves?

Soberintexas007

How have you worked the steps without a sponsor?