Need some support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Need some support
I think I might have got something a bit wrong this morning. My parents live thousands of kilometres from me, and so they actually don't know a lot about my every day routines. We often talk on the phone and get along well, but at the same time my family has never really talked about "real" issues - we tend to skirt around them. They are conservative Christians, and in their faith tradition drinking alcohol is a complete no-no.
This morning I shared on the phone with my mother that I was going to AA meetings. There was a long pause on the phone and then she asked me if I was a secret alcoholic. I was so put on the spot that I replied, "No...I have nothing to hide...my life is an open book". I could tell she was very unsettled and got really nervous so I tried to reassure her that I was doing well and that it was more preventative than anything. I told her that I had the potential to be an alcoholic because of an addictive personality, and even though she doesn't drink she said that she thought she might turn into one if she allowed herself to drink.
My mother has a brother whose alcoholism led him to living on the streets and even trying to kill her in a rage from a mix of alcohol and prescription medications. It caused a lot of grief and heartache for her. He's been sober and active in AA for years, but I imagine that brought up a lot of things for her in an instant.
I have a keen conscience, and I don't feel right. In trying to reassure her I was less than completely honest, and in retrospect I'm not sure it was even something that should have been brought up - and if so then maybe not on the phone in a casual morning chat. I'm also really taking on whatever feelings or worry she may be having after the chat. I'm not sure where to go from here, because with our family dynamic when something becomes uncomfortable it becomes nearly taboo.
This morning I shared on the phone with my mother that I was going to AA meetings. There was a long pause on the phone and then she asked me if I was a secret alcoholic. I was so put on the spot that I replied, "No...I have nothing to hide...my life is an open book". I could tell she was very unsettled and got really nervous so I tried to reassure her that I was doing well and that it was more preventative than anything. I told her that I had the potential to be an alcoholic because of an addictive personality, and even though she doesn't drink she said that she thought she might turn into one if she allowed herself to drink.
My mother has a brother whose alcoholism led him to living on the streets and even trying to kill her in a rage from a mix of alcohol and prescription medications. It caused a lot of grief and heartache for her. He's been sober and active in AA for years, but I imagine that brought up a lot of things for her in an instant.
I have a keen conscience, and I don't feel right. In trying to reassure her I was less than completely honest, and in retrospect I'm not sure it was even something that should have been brought up - and if so then maybe not on the phone in a casual morning chat. I'm also really taking on whatever feelings or worry she may be having after the chat. I'm not sure where to go from here, because with our family dynamic when something becomes uncomfortable it becomes nearly taboo.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Don't beat yourself up over it. Words are words......Part of my problem is I dwelled/perseverated on things way too much.
If you clearly define yourself as an alcoholic, then yes - since the door is opened I'd suggest you clarify with her.
Many of us like to describe it as an allergy, such as to a food - strawberries for example.
Mom, I have an allergy to alcohol - I'm going through a program to make certain I know how to deal with this. It's a good thing!!
I have few doubts your mother loves you deeply. She will be praying for you = GOOD!
A friend told his mother he was an alcoholic, she responded by stating - oh no dear, you couldn't possibly be that......
Don't dwell, open up now that it's out there - tell her how much you love her and work your program. We all word vomit because we are HUMAN~!!!
peace
FlyN
If you clearly define yourself as an alcoholic, then yes - since the door is opened I'd suggest you clarify with her.
Many of us like to describe it as an allergy, such as to a food - strawberries for example.
Mom, I have an allergy to alcohol - I'm going through a program to make certain I know how to deal with this. It's a good thing!!
I have few doubts your mother loves you deeply. She will be praying for you = GOOD!
A friend told his mother he was an alcoholic, she responded by stating - oh no dear, you couldn't possibly be that......
Don't dwell, open up now that it's out there - tell her how much you love her and work your program. We all word vomit because we are HUMAN~!!!
peace
FlyN
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's a difficult thing to discuss with parents. Of course your mother has different thoughts than you do - she has her experiences to reference. It sounds like she responded appropriately.
Just keep doing the next right thing. Your mom is going to be fine. Whether or not you will ever be able to openly discuss it in super-detail with your mom isn't something that will affect your ability to stay sober. She will work through it in her own way.
Just keep doing the next right thing. Your mom is going to be fine. Whether or not you will ever be able to openly discuss it in super-detail with your mom isn't something that will affect your ability to stay sober. She will work through it in her own way.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking and that worked out well for me.
It's natural that your mother is concerned about you, and that she may be afraid of what will happen given the brother she had who ended up on the streets. I think the best thing you can do is to show your family that you are changing. When you see them, let them see positive changes in you. If the topic is now taboo (your mother's choice), then respect that and focus on your recovery.
It's natural that your mother is concerned about you, and that she may be afraid of what will happen given the brother she had who ended up on the streets. I think the best thing you can do is to show your family that you are changing. When you see them, let them see positive changes in you. If the topic is now taboo (your mother's choice), then respect that and focus on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and, as a mother and aunt, I worry about my children, nieces, and nephews. I know that, in time, I will worry about my grandchildren.
Giving your Mom this news probably gave her pause and created concern; that result was inevitable no matter how you presented the news. But I think that you did the right thing; even if you live a thousand kilometers away, the world has become a small place and your Mom may have found out eventually; the news came from YOU with the news that you were taking proactive steps - that is major in my 'mother book'.
Your Mom's reaction sounds normal to me but healthy.
Keep working at this, Lance; your Mom will be so proud, I promise.
Giving your Mom this news probably gave her pause and created concern; that result was inevitable no matter how you presented the news. But I think that you did the right thing; even if you live a thousand kilometers away, the world has become a small place and your Mom may have found out eventually; the news came from YOU with the news that you were taking proactive steps - that is major in my 'mother book'.
Your Mom's reaction sounds normal to me but healthy.
Keep working at this, Lance; your Mom will be so proud, I promise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Thanks for what has been shared. I don't feel cravings to go drink, but at the same time I'm right in the thick of what has driven a lot of my drinking. I think that I have to be perfect to be loved and accepted, and if I disappoint or let anyone down then I'm a bad person. I'm hyper sensitive and take on the other person's experience, I get super anxious and then I want to rush around trying to fix everything even if it means I lie or do whatever it takes. Breaking this cycle has to be part of my recovery if sobriety is too last.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I have the same problem, being too sensitive and feeling the feelings of others. It's a bad place to spend time, in my opinion.
When I was younger it was lots worse, but now I just take a lot of time for myself and I don't take "onboard" the thoughts and feelings of others as much. Trying to make everyone happy is a lost cause, but I understand where you are coming from regarding that.
Your mom has to go through this on her own, she's fine.
Just worry about you and how to let go of those thoughts of perfectionism. None of us get there.
I'm much happier when I forgive myself and others for their (and my) missteps.
Easy does it.
When I was younger it was lots worse, but now I just take a lot of time for myself and I don't take "onboard" the thoughts and feelings of others as much. Trying to make everyone happy is a lost cause, but I understand where you are coming from regarding that.
Your mom has to go through this on her own, she's fine.
Just worry about you and how to let go of those thoughts of perfectionism. None of us get there.
I'm much happier when I forgive myself and others for their (and my) missteps. Easy does it.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Maybe it was a shock but she will see you have identified and the longer you stay sober the more she will see
my late mother was alcoholic and she never got to see me sober up apart from the end as i was her carer
i think your doing great try not to overthink this my friend your doing good
im sure your mum understands
my late mother was alcoholic and she never got to see me sober up apart from the end as i was her carer
i think your doing great try not to overthink this my friend your doing good
im sure your mum understands
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Here's the thing Lance. Did she know you drank before this conversation? You mentioned the fundamental Christian - no alcohol thing. So to her, is it possible that being a "secret alcoholic" simply implies that you drink at all?
Just trying to get a perspective from her side. To some people, anyone who gets drunk on any given Saturday night is an alcoholic.
So if she was totally in the dark about your drinking, she really has nothing to compare it with as far as your circumstances go. Sure her past experience is cause for alarm as well it should be. However, just casually dropping the words AA on her may have been a shock. The connotations of going to 'AA' alone give some people the willies. It's like having the plague to some - they just don't know any better.
Since you already came clean so to speak, next time you have a chance just say to her that you started drinking and it alarmed you. If you want to go deeper it's up to you. If it isn't brought up again, then I would just let it go unless she asks you about it. If you feel the need to tell a white lie just to protect her from anguish, again, your call.
Good luck. I wouldn't dwell on it. Just keep focus on yourself and getting through this.
Just trying to get a perspective from her side. To some people, anyone who gets drunk on any given Saturday night is an alcoholic.
So if she was totally in the dark about your drinking, she really has nothing to compare it with as far as your circumstances go. Sure her past experience is cause for alarm as well it should be. However, just casually dropping the words AA on her may have been a shock. The connotations of going to 'AA' alone give some people the willies. It's like having the plague to some - they just don't know any better.
Since you already came clean so to speak, next time you have a chance just say to her that you started drinking and it alarmed you. If you want to go deeper it's up to you. If it isn't brought up again, then I would just let it go unless she asks you about it. If you feel the need to tell a white lie just to protect her from anguish, again, your call.
Good luck. I wouldn't dwell on it. Just keep focus on yourself and getting through this.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by Lance40 
Thanks for what has been shared. I don't feel cravings to go drink, but at the same time I'm right in the thick of what has driven a lot of my drinking. I think that I have to be perfect to be loved and accepted, and if I disappoint or let anyone down then I'm a bad person. I'm hyper sensitive and take on the other person's experience, I get super anxious and then I want to rush around trying to fix everything even if it means I lie or do whatever it takes. Breaking this cycle has to be part of my recovery if sobriety is too last.
People care a lot less than you think, ultimately.
just don't drink over it
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Those are all 100% classic alcoholic emotions.
Huge conscience, perfectionism, hyper sensitive etc
The steps are designed to treat just such.
Hurry on before sobriety becomes even more uncomfortable, get a sponsor and into action.
Huge conscience, perfectionism, hyper sensitive etc
The steps are designed to treat just such.
Hurry on before sobriety becomes even more uncomfortable, get a sponsor and into action.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Try to 'fix' this by 'being honest' has the potential to make it worse. You might feel better after , but your mother may not. I'd leave it - and here's why...
I think Anna's right Lance - living a good sober life is a million times more reassuring than anything you could say.
Be Sober Lance. Live the life you want to lead.
Your mother will soon realise she has nothing to worry about.
D
I think Anna's right Lance - living a good sober life is a million times more reassuring than anything you could say.
Be Sober Lance. Live the life you want to lead.
Your mother will soon realise she has nothing to worry about.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Dee is right on the money on this. I think it is great you had the balls to tell your Mom. I have not told my parents anything about what I am doing. The reason is because of what is stated above by some others, people care a lot less than you think.
I guess I am on the opposite of this deal of which you write. I wonder why have my parents not ever confronted my drinking? They knew I was drinking too much, hell I did it in front of them. Not one person in my life ever told me to back off. I wonder why and the reason or answer is because people don't care as much as you think, often they don't.
Keep on keepin on.
I guess I am on the opposite of this deal of which you write. I wonder why have my parents not ever confronted my drinking? They knew I was drinking too much, hell I did it in front of them. Not one person in my life ever told me to back off. I wonder why and the reason or answer is because people don't care as much as you think, often they don't.
Keep on keepin on.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
