freetosmile

AH came home with booze last night. He sent me a text (like he usually does) asking me if I wanted any. I am the grand enabler and he counts on the fact that if I do say fine, then I will only drink 2-3 and he can have the rest. Interesting little system we have going on here. I said "are you planning on drinking tonight then?" He said "yeah, probably". This is of course, RIGHT after he gets out of therapy. "I said, ok". I didn't say yes, I would like a beer. I said ok that he was going to drink. I mean, if he already made up his mind, it is not my job to try to change it. He needs to call someone from AA (that he is no longer going to for some reason unknown to me).

So he comes home and offers me a beer. I said no thank you. He says, I thought you wanted to drink. I said, I never said that. Well, damn, says he. I bought a whole bunch! Laughs and says "oh well, just more for tomorrow".

Oh that's so funny, you are such a mother-loving jokester!! What's so disturbing is the fact that you actually get a LAUGH out of KNOWINGLY causing anxiety. He KNOWS how scared his drinking makes me. Whatev!

So how do I cope? Oh I really did a GREAT job at handling this whole thing. He goes to the shower. I say to myself "screw it!" And I drank 2 beers. Wow! way to go! I'm a real winner, aren't I?
Kinda pisses me off, because it's like- hey! I'm not the A, I don't have a drinking problem. I can take the stuff or leave it with no real consequences. I don't like getting drunk, I don't like that crap at all. It was almost a revenge type thing. Like fine, if you don't care, then why the hell should I? Totally not the right thing to do. Ugh.

So then he comes out of the bathroom and sees my beer. Of course me drinking a beer is just a "sign" to him that I've also consented to his drinking and therefore it makes his drinking "ok".

I'm mad at myself. I'm soooooo mad at him. I tried to just ignore him, because of course he was all nicey nice, wanting to talk about christmas presents for the kids and all that jazz. Hmmmm...well it's gonna be a tight x-mas this year honey because of all the work you've missed due to your hangovers and all the money you are spending on booze. I wanted to scream that at the top of my lungs, but of course, I had a beer in my hand...so I had not a leg to stand on, and it wouldn't of helped anyway.

Do I have a drinking problem. I don't know. I know I could care less about it. I know that sometimes when my neck and shoulders hurt, a couple beers REALLY relaxes my muscles. I know that 2 beers gives me a warm fuzzy feeling and makes it easier to sleep. I don't know. I think I did it just as a "throw my arms in the air and say screw it" type thing. Who cares anymore type thing. I hate me today!

AnvilheadII

let's ask the question this way:

IS ALCOHOL CREATING PROBLEMS IN YOUR LIFE?

if so, then it needs to be faced head on....regardless of whether that is your own commitment to complete 100% sobriety or whether you need to learn how to build boundaries about your husband's drinking.

freetosmile

Alcohol is creating problems in my life. Period. Because even if I am not addicted to it, I feel like I'm setting a standard of appropriate behavior. So regardless it causes problems, yes. Or am I making HIS problem mine? Idk. Should I choose to abstain even if he decides to drink because of HIS alcoholism? Because yes, I have no problem abstaining to show my support for his recovery. But if he chooses to bring booze home...sure a beer or two sounds great. But is that ok? I turn down the beer a majority of the time even when he brings it home, but every now and then it just sounds good. Am I totally messed up?

firebolt

You seem really fixated on what you are doing that helps him drink.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.

If you said yes, he'd drink today, and probably tomorrow.
If you said no, he'd drink today and probably tomorrow.

You drink, he drinks.
You don't drink, he drinks.

I'm so sorry. I don't think he's thinking at all about your anxiety. He is probably thinking about his anxiety without a drink, and the fact that a drink makes it go away for a while. He isn't drinking AT you, and for me, that was (and still is at times) the hardest part for me to get. It FEELS like such an attack on our lives - I KNOW!! What you do or say about it doesn't matter - this problem is much, much bigger than OUR feelings unfortunately.

They are screwing up everything good. Then again, so are we by letting it affect us so, and not making changes we need to make to have better lives for ourselves. I'm just so sorry.

walkinganewpath

Ouch this sounds close to home. My AH always wants me on his party ride with him. I used to hop on the train most of the time but get off before him. It was easier to tolerate him and deal with my anger if I had a little buzz on. Lately he's been so unpredictable and I have so much more on my plate alone that the idea of the ride is too stressful and often disgusting for me. He has even mentioned to me that I don't drink much anymore.

Although I will admit when I'm not taking care of me (therapy, meetings, sleeping enough, minimizing stress, etc) I have more of an eh F it he's gonna drink anyways so why the heck shouldn't I. Need to play the tape forward more on that one....even if I am still functional I always feel crappy about it.

So I guess that takes me back to Step 1. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. An answer to Anvilhead's question - Is alcohol creating problems in your life - I don't think the answer is always black and white as to who is 'responsible' for it creating problems or how the problems manifest - the answer for me is just that our family has a problem with alcohol.

The best I can do is keep working on me and my reaction to alcoholism as it manifests itself in my own life.

freetosmile

Yes I do fixate on him quite a bit. Ugh. I really need to work on that. I guess I'll just let it go for now. His drinking is his drinking.

I'm going to therapy, I'm going to al-anon, I'm doing tai chi, I'm meditating, I'm praying. Probably need to pray more.

I do enjoy a beer every now and then. But maybe I need to evaluate it's worth in my own life instead of his.

I've got a lot of work to do I guess. On that note, my pellet stove is broke and I'm tired of being cold while waiting for replacement parts, finals are next week, and I bombed my last exam with a whopping 72%. Oh and Christmas. I feel overwhelmed. Throw the drinking and abusive behavior on top of that and I'm shot. Scared of failing. Failing at life in general.

AnvilheadII

i didn't know you could BREAK a pellet stove!? how come they never have issues in SUMMER huh? nope, always wait til it's butt cheese cold out.

one of the little sayings that can be very helpful is:

Do the Next Indicated Thing.

that can also be presented as:

Do the Next RIGHT Thing.

or:

Do the Next Wise Thing.

Kinda like First Things First.

Maslow's Hierarchy.

What is most essential that you do right now?

(oh dear lord, I'm talking like Hammer now......)

firebolt

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate all together right now. I empathize with the feelings of failure at relationships....SO MUCH.

Even more reason to take care of, and be gentile with yourself. It's so hard to do that when you have all the muck from an A on top of it. They should be our best friend and support, and they aren't. Sad thing is, they can't even do that for themselves...knowing that has helped me not take it *as personally. (((HUGS)))

Kboys

"Sohow do I cope? Oh I really did a GREAT job at handling this whole thing. He goes to the shower. I say to myself "screw it!" And I drank 2 beers. Wow! way to go! I'm a real winner, aren't I?
Kinda pisses me off, because it's like- hey! I'm not the A, I don't have a drinking problem. I can take the stuff or leave it with no real consequences. I don't like getting drunk, I don't like that crap at all. It was almost a revenge type thing. Like fine, if you don't care, then why the hell should I? Totally not the right thing to do. Ugh"

I've been in the same position many times and made the same decision and you did, and felt the same remorse that you did. Don't beat yourself up too much! This is a new day.

I stopped drinking altogether as AH's drinking and violence progressed. I never knew when I would have to leave with the kids, or call law enforcement. I wanted to be as clear as I could in case something like that happened. I didn't want to feel as though I couldn't leave because I couldn't drive after having a couple with the kids in the car. And I didn't want to lose my credibility with law enforcement by calling them and having them show up and find us both under the influence.

Not to mention the fact that I am much more likely to get emotional and react to him when I have been drinking, which NEVER helps.

HUGS

Hammer

Reflected Glory, ma Sista.

LexieCat

GREAT advice. Personally, I always felt, too, that drinking with the alcoholic was enabling behavior, whether I intended it to be or not. I never felt comfortable about it. At that time, I didn't HAVE to drink (my alcoholism developed later), so it was well worth it to me to just NOT.

Soberintexas007

I personally think you could have maybe done a better job when he asked you on the phone about drinking. Alcoholics get cravings and urges, so those will come. Sometimes, my husband gets a craving and brings up having a beer. I respond to him that this will not help him, and that he can get through it. He then does not have a beer and life goes on with us doing something else.

So the next time your husband asks about drinking, prod him a little bit more and ask him why he thinks that would be a good idea knowing how he has gotten in the past when he has drank. Encourage him to do something else besides drinking and see how he responds. Even if this strategy only works for 1 day, that is 1 more day of peace that you will have. Day by day, day by day...

freetosmile

I appreciate that JB, but I really have done that before with no positive results. I'm at the point where I just don't feel responsible for being the whispering in the ear of encouragement. He knows the right choice and me prodding and trying to reason with him usually ends up leaving me feeling empty and disappointed. Thank you, however for your insight. I really do appreciate it!

Jenibean87

A big change in my overall happiness and peacefulness came when I really embraced the idea that nothing I did or did not do would cause him to drink. When I really embraced that, I felt like all of the anxiety was lifted. It wasn't in my control. I could drink in front of him, drink on my own time, not drink, WHATEVER and yet he would continue to have a drink if he wanted to. What I was doing was irrelevant. An alcoholic is going to drink. Period.

How freeing to think that I could stop analyzing everything thing I DID, wondering if it was going to make him drink or not drink. I let go of the control, and never looked back.

These days, my A is doing well in recovery. I still drink or not drink around him, knowing that his choice to drink or not drink is independent of me. (That being said, if my A asks me to not have a glass of wine when we go to dinner, or at a holiday function, I respect that. He is committed to his sobriety that he has no problem asking for support if he needs it, and I am happy he asked and happy to abstain.)

It might be worth looking into a boundary that you do not want alcohol in the house, or maybe that you do not want him to be drinking or drunk in front of you. It sounds like you have a lot going on and his using is distracting, at the very least.

And FWIW, none of us are perfect. Sometimes we snap. Sometimes, we choose wrong. It's ok. You don't need to hate yourself over not handling everything perfectly. Think about what you can do differently for tomorrow night when he calls. Good luck!