thotful

DW commented that "it isn't just me. I don't like it when you make it that the problem is only me. That's not the only thing."

I am reminded that my estrangement from some of my FOO members isn't just due to mistreatment of my DW. It's also mistreatment of me. Throughout my childhood I was called the "lazy" and "stubborn" one. Many of my chosen friends were determined to not be good enough in different language (this one was too nerdy, that one was too loud, this one is...etc).

Just the name-calling alone is not enough to cause issues. What was the real kicker for me is when I started talking about the mistreatment and how I don't like it, I was met with DENIAL, abdication of responsibility, "you're too sensitive", "that was a joke", "you made that up", etc.

You really can't fix what you don't acknowledge.

I simply cannot fix my siblings and/or parents (I've still have quite a few that are perfectly reasonable so I will stay in touch). I can fix my own life and take better care of myself. If they can't even acknowledge the abuse that has occurred, then I've got no patience to wait for the next blow. I need to have people around who provide support, love, encouragement, and genuinely want me to be happy and honor my efforts to do so (without support for my sobriety, and next to nothing said about the infertility of my wife and I, it's hard to believe that some of my FOO members even care about my happiness). There's really not much of a relationship to salvage. I'm probably doing myself a favor by walking away.

Then when I find time available all of a sudden and I look up those old friends that have lost touch. I see them and it's like a ray of light coming down (with "I can see clearly now" playing in my head. I saw an old friend the other day. It was like a light-switch had been flipped. "What gives? what's their issue with you and the wife - you're awesome and your wife seems fine to me - I don't get it." and lots of other supportive stuff like actually being able to ask me about my sobriety...and lo and behold...to LISTEN.

When I want 5 bags of sugar, and a FOO member only has 2 bags. Instead of trying to get 5 bags from the, I need to get the 3 other bags I need elsewhere. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves, right?

happybeingme

I always believed family meant everything. Even tried to keep relationships with extended family. Over the past few years I have come to realize that my family at least is mostly not healthy for me. I wish they were. I have a huge extended family but I have come to the conclusion that unless I keep the role I always played they just cant be bothered. It hurts and its wrong but I deserve love, honor and respect just for being me.

You deserve that as well. If your foo cant or wont give it to you that strengthen the bonds of your foc.( family of choice)

Eauchiche

I have to walk on eggshells around my FOO. I got in real trouble with youngest sister over the Thanksgiving holiday because I expressed concern to my other sister's mate about sister #1's husband's drinking.

The whole family frequently makes anti-Catholic comments, and I am Catholic.
By this time next year, I will have surrounded myself with a loving supportive community as free from addiction and junk as possible.

ardy

Family when we were kids it was easy Grands Aunts Uncles and Great Aunts and Uncles.. as we got older more was expected of us.. different as the difference of the families showed more as we got older.. me I wanted to be a farm wife.. raise animals bake cook and garden.. my families farm has been there for 225 years.. it had 4 porches.. a big living room Dinning room and Grandmas kitchen.. can hear her sometimes in the back of my mind... I would sit verry silently and watch Grand Dad shave with the striaght edge... can smell his soap he used... I wanted to have a horse and buggy and a sliegh for the winter with bells on it.. a bed and breakfast that would bring in people from the college to have meetings and conferences and dinners... It never happened Dean had 3 degrees when we left college and married.. he choose to shovel feed into hopper cars at Jones Island in Milwaukee.. on 3rd shift.. I was home all the time with the kids.. did everything I could to keep them silent during the day so he could sleep and then put them to bed so he could go to the job.. he had good offers for jobs that would have been in his degree line.. but did not want to wear a tie.. so ... Family my kids are now in thier 40's like we were one time.. only they have traveled the world.. eaten in strange places.. sent me lots of photos.. and when they are home and have had to much to drink are so full of Mom guess what I did the child of 9 hops up on my bed at 3am and talks till they are falling asleep.. slowly take the adult off my bed and get them into a side room.. shoes off shirts rumbled and under the covers.. Mom hu uh I had such a good time with my friends. I know kiddo Mom what babe I love you.. Family I miss my Family from so long ago so much.... and now Iam the Great Aunt Ardy who can be stern if needed or the cup of coffee and ears that just listen and head that nods or the Silly Mom that you never know what will come out of her.. but you know when Family is the best.. kids know when... when a teenager looks at you and says Do you know what your son did in the store today.... No Maddy What did the Moose do .. Mom and I were shopping and he came in and Danced to the Tecno musice.. I was so embarassed hahahahahah his wife kissed him I saw the silly child I raised to be the Man of Honor and Faith and love and how much fun he has with that daughter of hers... family... what would we do with out them ..... just ardy sorry and all of you.. are getting so close to being that special part of hearts and souls for when your ripple is fading to the end of the pond our hearts will fell the last lap of air... love and prayers Family....