megsykreeg

So my husband will be coming home from rehab soon. We've talked on the phone some but it's hard. I don't want to feel like things are unresolved but I don't want to bombard him either when he comes home. The other night I mentioned I had plans a few days after coming home. He said he would go visit his mom and bring our daughter. I hesitated... then slowly replied that we would talk about it. He pushed to know why. I finally told him there were consequences for his drinking. That seemed to set him off. Maybe consequences was the wrong word, but not sure how else to convey to him that I don't trust him with our daughter yet. He went to a liquor store with her then came home strapped her in the swing and drank. I came home from work to her screaming and him passed out in bed. It's not that I think he'll drink as soon as he comes home but how can I trust him to be alone with our daughter so soon after getting home? His mom is on hospice and I haven't been taking our daughter to see her alone. I usually bring someone with me so my daughter can say hi to Grandma and then she walks the halls of the nursing home with the person that came with me and I sit with my mother in law. I just don't know the best way to handle this situation. He's thinking that everything will be what it was with him watching one day a week by himself. I don't think I'm ready for that.

LexieCat

Yeah, "consequences" maybe wasn't exactly the right word--he probably took it as "punishment."

What you are saying makes perfect sense, though. I don't think I would want him taking off with my small child immediately after he comes home from rehab and I haven't gotten a sense yet of whether he's REALLY on the road to recovery.

This is something you'll have to discuss in a bit more detail. Maybe explain to him how much that situation scared you, and that you are looking forward to trusting him with her again, but that it will take a little bit of time before you feel really comfortable with it. He still won't like it, but if he flips out over that and drinks or something, then you will know where the situation stands.

Maybe you could suggest that he handle it the way you did, and bring someone you DO trust with him to keep an eye on her so he can visit with his mom. I think you have the right to insist that he not take her alone just yet.

Is there a counselor at the rehab you could talk to about your concern? Someone there might be able to persuade him that your position is reasonable.

Rosiepetal

Your childs safety should always come first & you have every right to put steps in place to make sure she's safe.
Trust your gut, its usually right.

megsykreeg

I was going to talk to his counselor next week before he comes home. I will talk to him in more detail when he gets homes and just take things one day at a time.

hopeful4

I don't think consequence was the right word either, but I totally agree with you and what you are saying. Trust is earned, and believe me, just going to rehab does not magically build trust.

I think I would rephrase it that you are having anxiety and a hard time leaving the past behind. That you are sure in time as you see him exhibit trustworthy behavior you will feel more at ease in trusting him again. Until then, you support his recovery 100% but have to put your baby first.

That's the best I've got. Good luck!

AnvilheadII

i think an important revelation in this is.....as soon as he heard the word NO, he lost it. he isn't putting his daughter's welfare first (yet), he still wants what he wants.

and he's still IN rehab. barely sober. still quite close to his last drink.

if you aren't comfortable with him taking your very young daughter to the hospice, then it's perfectly ok to say not at this time. he put her in harm's way not that long ago...what he did could be considered neglect. and that should not be forgotten or easily forgiven or swept under the rug. terrible things could have happened. TO HER.

megsykreeg

That's how I feel too. I hope he understands that and we can talk about it without an argument.