latnem

Hi everyone, i am new here i have tried posting a couple of times but it ends up with a list of every event i can think of and about 20 pages long!!!

I have been attneding al anon for a little while but between kids and work i dont manage every week.

My sister is an alcoholic and up on two seperate criminal charges, and i dont know wether to stick at trying to support her or to walk away.

I know this sounds awful but how much can i really help her?

every time something happens i offer my support but i end up feeling used, belittled and generally awful, i dont feel my kids are getting my full attention that they deserve because i am constantly making my sister the priority.

She moved in with my parents this week, i think they only put up with it to see my nephew safe hes only 2 but she is still drinking.

trying to keep it brief and to the point but i am happy to give more details if anyone can offer me some advice.
many thanks

hopeful4

Hello, I am so sorry for what brings you here. A warm welcome to you.

There is really nothing you can do except encourage her to change. Don't enable, and certainly don't let your own children go by the wayside because of her.

It's good that your parents are watching out for your nephew, he needs someone to advocate for him since he is so small, and keep him safe.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. She has to want it for herself, and want it badly.

I am so sorry.

latnem

Hi Thank you for the reply, after my posting last night it seems my father had quite the night of it, my sister cut her hand with a knife threatned my father then took off with her son back to her own house and unfortunatley until things are made more legal with social services my father couldnt do much to stop her.

Thank fully my nephew is back at my parents house tonight and he is fine. I am so angry and confused though, i tried calling her this morning in the hope she would be sober mainly to be horrible to her and tell her some home truths and make her feel the way she makes us feel but she must of been sober as she never answered, seems she can only work her phone when shes drinking.

where do you go from here? I am angry but trying to hide it so i dont take it out on my own family, I want to walk away and never look back but i am scared for my parents, i feel stuck????

thotful

You're not alone in feeling conflicted. You're not in control of the situation, but you want to figure out what you can do. Making choices with your actions in an alcoholic situation is extremely difficult. For me, whenever I feel myself going crazy over other people's behavior (YEP, still happens), I try to do what feels completely unnatural and that is to figure out what's going on with me. What do I like? What do I not like? How does my behavior contribute (or not) to the situation? How do I keep myself safe (I matter too you know).

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
(and here's the kicker)
Wisdom to know the difference

Every day, I have to work on all 3. Leave alone the things I can do nothing about. ACT on the things I CAN change. And work, work, work in categorization where the situation fits (can change or cannot change?). The key to that in my mind, is MY behavior. I have feet that I can choose to move to get me to physical safety. I have a mouth that I can choose to use (or not).

If Al-Anon is difficult to manage (physical meeting), maybe writing on SR some more will help? How about a phone meeting? Or, can you call an Al-Anon friend (they usually hand out numbers)? Just some ideas.

So, I seem to find clarity when I turn my attention back to ME. What will make me happy? What is my business? What is not my business? Who am I? How well do I know myself? Working on you might help.

There's possibly a lot of work to do to help you cope with the feelings of frustration, anger, sadness (whatever you're experiencing). Since you are the one asking for the help, you are the only one that can make changes. Work on yourself, and you might find some more peace of mind.

Just some thoughts for you to consider. Some of my points might feel "right" for you, and others won't. Take what you like. Leave the rest.

latnem

Thank you Thotful for your response, I like the serenity prayer and I use it at nights when I cant sleep for thinking about things. I do try to work on me and some days o can focus on me amd my family but at the same time I have this awful guilt that what if something bad happened while I was busy enjoying my life and I didnt help? I know deep down I cant help not really but I struggle to get my head around the whole situation.
Today I nearly phoned an al anon friend but I didnt I am scared they will be busy, I will not make any sense or i will be an inconvenience to them apart from the meetings I have attended I dont really know them and it seems strange to call them up but I do know I need to do something, my husband made another comment tonight about me venting on him and the kids. I try so hard not to I dont think I even realise I am doing it

thotful

When it comes to calling another member, Do we have the same brain? J/K

Yeah, I feel the same way when it comes to calling Al-Anon friends. This reminds me to work on feeling more comfortable asking for help more directly. I've got some work to do! Asking for help has been really hard for me pretty much all of my life. Feel like I have to take on the world on my own. I know now, that doesn't work for me.

hang in there, you're not alone! I wonder sometimes that my father will die someday and I'll regret not sitting down to talk to him about my sobriety and inviting him to AA (as if that little convers. would turn everything around for him). I wonder if that means I'm still feeling some guilt and responsibility for his life? hmm...