Husband had affair with woman in AA
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Husband had affair with woman in AA
13th Oct I found out (by accident) my husband was having an affair with a woman in the rooms...he is in recovery two years, they met in Jan this year. He says he ended it with her. We are working on our marriage but I am finding it hard. He is doing well in AA but I'm not doing good.....any advise or input would be appreciated.
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I am still pretty raw over finding out, I had trusted him and that he was living by the rules of AA. I was so happy he was getting sober but gutted that I was blind to the fact he was having an affair. He was the one who use to tell me about how you are not suppose to get close to women in AA yet that is exactly what he did....I'm just so hurt....and can't get them out of my head.
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Does he and she still go to the same group?
If he is serious about your relationship, he should move heaven and earth to make YOU feel secure.
His "living by AA" sounds like a big steaming load of horse poop. running off to a daily meeting and meeting up with her is disgusting.
I hope he joins a different group or does something different to remain sober. You do not deserve this crap on top of whatever else he did.
If he is serious about your relationship, he should move heaven and earth to make YOU feel secure.
His "living by AA" sounds like a big steaming load of horse poop. running off to a daily meeting and meeting up with her is disgusting.
I hope he joins a different group or does something different to remain sober. You do not deserve this crap on top of whatever else he did.
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He goes to different meetings now and his sponsor goes with him in case she turns up. He is being very good in trying to make me feel secure but it's just not enough for me at times. It's the deceit, then to find out he was taking her places and meeting people, her family etc. listening to the "it wasn't planned" "it just happened"....17 years of his drinking - then a few months sober and he does this. Now I am hearing all sorts if things that go on in AA and it is really hard to believe him.
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with his background it is completely normal that you do NOT trust him, or believe a word he says. you've been thru a lot where he is concerned. you may find that you not only can't let this transgression go but that you do not WANT to continue to try so damn hard to repair a relationship that is most likely irretrievably broken. that you're hanging on to days long past and distant better times.
you found out by accident. had you not, the affair would probably still be ongoing. he quit cuz he got caught. and he wasn't just doing the deed, he was engaging with her in activities, meeting her FAMILY for pete's sake. there's violations and then there are VIOLATIONS.
maybe right now you need one on one counseling just for YOU. so you can sort out how you feel and what you want to do next with your own precious life?
you found out by accident. had you not, the affair would probably still be ongoing. he quit cuz he got caught. and he wasn't just doing the deed, he was engaging with her in activities, meeting her FAMILY for pete's sake. there's violations and then there are VIOLATIONS.
maybe right now you need one on one counseling just for YOU. so you can sort out how you feel and what you want to do next with your own precious life?
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Was his sponsor AWARE that this affair was going on for 9+ months? or however long it was?
it doesn't say much for his guidance and honesty.
I really cannot comment on AA as I do not practice it, but this whole infidelity is on HIM, you trusted he was working hard to be sober, he ran off and started a whole new game with another alcoholic. THAT is disgusting and he now seems to be back pedaling.
He did not tell you, you found out?
it doesn't say much for his guidance and honesty.
I really cannot comment on AA as I do not practice it, but this whole infidelity is on HIM, you trusted he was working hard to be sober, he ran off and started a whole new game with another alcoholic. THAT is disgusting and he now seems to be back pedaling.
He did not tell you, you found out?
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Yes I am going back to counselling on my own...I know I need it.
It's as if I should have known this was going to happen, he thinks that he gave me enough time when he got sober for me to just fall back into a wonderful relationship with him. I had made a life for myself and our child to ensure some normality. But it would seem he got well and I got more depressed. I didn't want to work on the relationship it had been such hard work before his sobriety I had forgotten a marriage should be.
I am probably talking jibberish but my head is wrecked!
It's as if I should have known this was going to happen, he thinks that he gave me enough time when he got sober for me to just fall back into a wonderful relationship with him. I had made a life for myself and our child to ensure some normality. But it would seem he got well and I got more depressed. I didn't want to work on the relationship it had been such hard work before his sobriety I had forgotten a marriage should be.
I am probably talking jibberish but my head is wrecked!
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Originally Posted by Fandy 
Was his sponsor AWARE that this affair was going on for 9+ months? or however long it was? it doesn't say much for his guidance and honesty. I really cannot comment on AA as I do not practice it, but this whole infidelity is on HIM, you trusted he was working hard to be sober, he ran off and started a whole new game with another alcoholic. THAT is disgusting and he now seems to be back pedaling. He did not tell you, you found out?
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UHHH... I definitely know that feeling. It hurts like nothing else. So sorry you are going through this.
My AH has cheated also, with a woman who works at his office. He has recently changed his work schedule so he doesn't have to see her and made some other changes to help me feel more secure.... and that helps, but I am not sure at this point if I will be able to get over it-- on top of all the other hurts as a result of his drinking. I am suspicious of everything now, when I used to be so trusting of him. It sucks...
But... I'm still not ready to make a final decision. I'm going to Al-Anon and using this time that he is sober and things are going well to really figure things out for me, and for us to work on our relationship as much as we can. But I just really don't know what's going to happen, and that's okay for now.
Take care of you!! Hugs
A
My AH has cheated also, with a woman who works at his office. He has recently changed his work schedule so he doesn't have to see her and made some other changes to help me feel more secure.... and that helps, but I am not sure at this point if I will be able to get over it-- on top of all the other hurts as a result of his drinking. I am suspicious of everything now, when I used to be so trusting of him. It sucks...
But... I'm still not ready to make a final decision. I'm going to Al-Anon and using this time that he is sober and things are going well to really figure things out for me, and for us to work on our relationship as much as we can. But I just really don't know what's going to happen, and that's okay for now.
Take care of you!! Hugs
A
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Originally Posted by Kboys
UHHH... I definitely know that feeling. It hurts like nothing else. So sorry you are going through this. My AH has cheated also, with a woman who works at his office. He has recently changed his work schedule so he doesn't have to see her and made some other changes to help me feel more secure.... and that helps, but I am not sure at this point if I will be able to get over it-- on top of all the other hurts as a result of his drinking. I am suspicious of everything now, when I used to be so trusting of him. It sucks... But... I'm still not ready to make a final decision. I'm going to Al-Anon and using this time that he is sober and things are going well to really figure things out for me, and for us to work on our relationship as much as we can. But I just really don't know what's going to happen, and that's okay for now. Take care of you!! Hugs A
Take care of you too x
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My therapist once said: "we all have faults. It just depends on which ones you can live with and which ones you can't." Some marriages survive infidelity, some don't. I don't think this has anything to do with AA, it's about him. God bless
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so his sponsor knew in JULY and you found out in October. He kept his secret and your husband professed his "love" then pulled back, then thinks everything is all hunky-dory because the cat is out of the bag?
as I said, a big steaming pile of GIANT horse poops. He was or she was 13th stepping and the entire group kept his secret? NO ONE stepped up and said Hey Mr. Recovering drunk with the wife and kid at home who you lie to every day, this really is NOT RIGHT?
ugh, as I said disgusting and it happened in AA, so it is part of AA. (sorry NYC doglover, I disagree and this reinforces my opinion of certain things I dislike).
I am so sorry for you, he is a snake.
as I said, a big steaming pile of GIANT horse poops. He was or she was 13th stepping and the entire group kept his secret? NO ONE stepped up and said Hey Mr. Recovering drunk with the wife and kid at home who you lie to every day, this really is NOT RIGHT?
ugh, as I said disgusting and it happened in AA, so it is part of AA. (sorry NYC doglover, I disagree and this reinforces my opinion of certain things I dislike).
I am so sorry for you, he is a snake.
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