Frixion

I look over, in a confused state seeing that it is 10 minutes till 5am. I am delighted - happy me/ not-dependant-on-alcohol me used to wake up every morning at 5am. But suddenly as I start getting up I feel dizzy, and nauseous. I get up, brush my teeth, wash my face and the dizziness turns into pure confusion. I look at myself in the mirror and I hardly recognize my self. I look well rested and calm - but in the inside I am panicky - even shaking, and I don't know what to do next.

I go to other rooms to clean - I already made it spotless yesterday. What to do, what to do? I am so used to staying up till 3am getting *********, and after waking up from binging I would start watching hrs of TV, eating bad food, & eventually getting up before my boyfriend gets home. Getting up of that couch at even 4pm was difficult many days, but he couldn't find out I've been laying down ALL day so I would quickly get dressed and clean the minimum amount, hide my bottles and prey he would be late to give me more time to set up the act.

He would come home and I would offer him his welcome home beer (he always really enjoyed that about me), and I would start drinking again.

I am so embarrassed, because now waking up sober and early - I have no idea what to do with my time. I never knew or even slightly recognized that my life was revolving around alcohol. Not until sitting down writing this did I even recognize how much I was trying to hide it from everyone - especially my boyfriend. It's no wonder to me now why he is confused that I am now going to AA.

I'm crazy anxious/ stressed and thinking about how much I used to hate my self does not help. I didn't blame the alcohol before I just always thought I was doomed to be pathetic - it's just who I was. Now, I must stay sober, but these feelings are hard to cope with. it's 5:41am where I live so I guess I'll wait 20 minutes till my gym opens, and maybe that will at least distract me till 8am for an AA meeting.

Thanks all for reading (I know it was long I just needed to get it out) - I have been having a really tough time adjusting, and would appreciate any advice/ tips on anything you believe might help me pass the time, or to calm my nerves. Any comments or suggestions are welcome

Fly N Buy

Glad you're continuing to post, good for you!

Quieting the brain was problematic for me. I just wanted some silence! What to do, what to do>>>>> I know the feeling.

I learned some basic meditation techniques. For me, it helps a lot.
Even 5-10 minutes starting the day slowwwwws things wayyyy down, ahhhh.

Many different ways - here's mine

Eknath Easwaran's Books


Keep coming back, it hurts then it works...

anattaboy

Excellent! You are almost through with something you never have to do again! Congrats. I ate max doses of b vits. and other nutrients depleted by alcohol. I believe it helped.

LBrain

have you considered going into a rehab unit?

JT0626

I am so proud of you!!! You are doing all of the right things, Frixion. Keep your momentum up even when you don't feel so stable yourself.

Soberwolf

Do you read Frixion ?

i highly recomend reading

gettingsmarter

Seriously get some good books. Reading helps a ton. It seems to be helping me get my imagination back.

Frixion

Well, I distracted myself till 8am and went into the building for the AA meeting in full anxiety mode. And no one was there. It's entirely quiet and no one is in the room. I call AA support and find out they changed the location to a different city! Note to self: Call first to confirm lol!

Now I just need to wait till 6pm! I see how you are all giving me advise to read, so I have just purchased the big book of AA by Bill Wilson on my kobo. This might be a good book to read, seeing how I have seen groups that appear to study this. Anyone have a good book to suggest?

SDH73

You can kill a couple of hours with "johnathan livingston seagull", it's a quick inspirational read that you can revisit every once in a while.

Just finished reading "a man in full" by Tom Wolf (he wrote "bonfire of the vanities"). I'd recommend it, 700+ pages so it's a little more of a project but a thoroughly absorbing read.

"Dry" by Augusten Burroughs is an interesting read about his life as an alcoholic. Funny, sad, and lots to identify with for me.

Be well.

Anna

I think many of us who become addicts have lo self-esteem and often feel like victims in our lives. It took me hitting bottom to realize that I wasn't a victim and that I did have control over myself and my feelings. Try to be patient with yourself because there is bound to be a lot of upheaval in emotions in the early days of recovery.

CNY46ER

There is a book I read recently about micronutrition and alcoholism called the vitamin cure for alcoholism. It has done wonders for me. I highly recommend it. Good luck your not alone.