Reaching out for support
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Reaching out for support
I made a bold move this week. I reached out for help. Upon realizing I could not trust myself to go to the grocery store without buying alcohol, I asked a friend in recovery to go with me. This turned out to be a very positive experience which precipitated an extremely negative episode. The AV punished me heartily for it.
Social support, or really the involvement of people in my life in any capacity, seems dangerous. From the AV’s perspective, people fall into three categories:
Ill-intentioned and not to be trusted.
Well-intentioned but incapable of supporting someone as difficult as myself.
So difficult themselves that I am incapable of supporting them.
There has never been a category for well-intentioned and capable of supporting me and not so difficult that I cannot return the favor. I don’t believe I have ever encountered such a person. But, then again, how would I know?
This isn’t really how I feel. I want people. When I find people I like, I want their time and attention. I enjoy talking to them, learning about them. I am open and willing to share information about myself. I trust them because I believe they are deserving, and because it feels so much better than being alone. Apart from the normal comings and goings of friendships and loves, this has never backfired on me in any significant way.
But the AV tells me that people are extremely dangerous. It takes me aside and tells me to knock it off because I have no idea what I’m doing and you don’t know this guy. He’s probably trying to sleep with you. Or he finds you pathetic and wants to trick and humiliate you. Or, most likely, his intentions are pure, but soon he will realize how crazy you are. He will discover that you are the one who tricked him. And you are a cold b*tch to do that to a nice guy. Be responsible, step away.
I’ve heard it called all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking: the effort to define things as a means of control. That people are not to be trusted is one of my oldest, most firmly-held beliefs. It existed before I drank. Before I loved. Perhaps I was taught by my father who was a fiercely independent drunk, or my mother who feared him but, perhaps more, feared those who made him afraid.
But what if it is not so simple? What if others are just as complicated and contradictory as I am? What if they are also trying to strike a balance between fear and trust? And what if among them exist those who are capable of providing support while protecting themselves, and who truly wish to do so? What if it is safe and appropriate to oblige them?
What if I am surrounded by more of these people than I realize?
Social support, or really the involvement of people in my life in any capacity, seems dangerous. From the AV’s perspective, people fall into three categories:
Ill-intentioned and not to be trusted.
Well-intentioned but incapable of supporting someone as difficult as myself.
So difficult themselves that I am incapable of supporting them.
There has never been a category for well-intentioned and capable of supporting me and not so difficult that I cannot return the favor. I don’t believe I have ever encountered such a person. But, then again, how would I know?
This isn’t really how I feel. I want people. When I find people I like, I want their time and attention. I enjoy talking to them, learning about them. I am open and willing to share information about myself. I trust them because I believe they are deserving, and because it feels so much better than being alone. Apart from the normal comings and goings of friendships and loves, this has never backfired on me in any significant way.
But the AV tells me that people are extremely dangerous. It takes me aside and tells me to knock it off because I have no idea what I’m doing and you don’t know this guy. He’s probably trying to sleep with you. Or he finds you pathetic and wants to trick and humiliate you. Or, most likely, his intentions are pure, but soon he will realize how crazy you are. He will discover that you are the one who tricked him. And you are a cold b*tch to do that to a nice guy. Be responsible, step away.
I’ve heard it called all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking: the effort to define things as a means of control. That people are not to be trusted is one of my oldest, most firmly-held beliefs. It existed before I drank. Before I loved. Perhaps I was taught by my father who was a fiercely independent drunk, or my mother who feared him but, perhaps more, feared those who made him afraid.
But what if it is not so simple? What if others are just as complicated and contradictory as I am? What if they are also trying to strike a balance between fear and trust? And what if among them exist those who are capable of providing support while protecting themselves, and who truly wish to do so? What if it is safe and appropriate to oblige them?
What if I am surrounded by more of these people than I realize?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Originally Posted by Briar 
But what if it is not so simple? What if others are just as complicated and contradictory as I am? What if they are also trying to strike a balance between fear and trust? And what if among them exist those who are capable of providing support while protecting themselves, and who truly wish to do so? What if it is safe and appropriate to oblige them?
What if I am surrounded by more of these people than I realize?
What if I am surrounded by more of these people than I realize?
I know it is for me.
I think that with continued sobriety and introspection like this, we can become better at choosing the people who are indeed trustworthy, and safe.
V xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
^^^^. Yes, what venuscat said. I believe that, while we shouldn't wear blinders, most people are inherently good and genuinely want to help. In time, you will trust your sober mind and eyes, Briar.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
There's no guidebook on this unfortunately briar...
The more I stayed sober the more I relied on an inner surety that's served me well ever since.
If there are other people out there like Briar, I don;t think you have anything to fear from them.
You're your own worst critics - the rest of us think you're pretty cool.
I dunno how much free time you have but have you considered volunteering or something? I needed to get out the house and out of my own head...and volunteering was something that made me feel good about myself while also helping others and getting back into the norms of sober human contact?
D
The more I stayed sober the more I relied on an inner surety that's served me well ever since.
If there are other people out there like Briar, I don;t think you have anything to fear from them.
You're your own worst critics - the rest of us think you're pretty cool.
I dunno how much free time you have but have you considered volunteering or something? I needed to get out the house and out of my own head...and volunteering was something that made me feel good about myself while also helping others and getting back into the norms of sober human contact?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I always over analyze relationships and presume I am less that worthy. It is a lifelong insecurity and born out of constant bullying to that effect from my older brother for my entire childhood.
I understand you perspective very well. When we have a skewed view, or a skewed real experience, we are not on a level playing field. It makes it hard to trust and take risks. It is hard to reach out to others.
So, Briar, I think it is amazing that you recognized the need and called for help to go out for groceries. I know you are troubled in the aftermath, of it, but that was a brave and recovery-focused thing to do.
Just see the simplicity in that and feel proud of yourself. Let yourself feel that.
I understand you perspective very well. When we have a skewed view, or a skewed real experience, we are not on a level playing field. It makes it hard to trust and take risks. It is hard to reach out to others.
So, Briar, I think it is amazing that you recognized the need and called for help to go out for groceries. I know you are troubled in the aftermath, of it, but that was a brave and recovery-focused thing to do.
Just see the simplicity in that and feel proud of yourself. Let yourself feel that.
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