Thanksgiving
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
Thanksgiving
I have written about my mom many times and here is another one.
I got over to my parents house around noon at Thanksgiving. My mom was fine when I got there but was obviously drunk by 12:30. She set the table and put placecards by each seat. I didn't look at them until we ate and she had sat me next to her. She was drinking red wine and the smell of it really got to me. That is a big thing that I have really noticed since I got sober. I can smell anything no matter how far away it is. Well, I ended up getting ill. The smell really, really bothered me this time and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I didn't tell anyone though; I didn't want to make a big issue of it.
My brother and brother-in-law were talking about their college days and having to go the hospital for stitches and having to make 'that phone call' home to mom. Well, my mom tried to bring up my time in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and it being one of 'those calls.' I gave her the look of death because I knew where she was going. It's been over a year and a half since I got sober and over 10 years since that incident happened. She quickly stopped talking after I gave her a look.
She seemed to want to bring something up about me because later on my brother and brother in law were talking about being in frats and not making it to class on time and getting a phone call from mom when they should be in class. My mom pipes up with "Patty knows all about those phone calls don't you?" I just wanted to throttle her.
Here I am, not even talking about my past, the boys were. I could have said a lot worse about things that she has done but I didn't. I left shortly after.
She just really pi**es me off. I am now seeing a counselor to talk about my anger towards her and resenting her and not accepting who she is. There is a lot of things that she has done to all of her kids that my counselor says is not normal. She is helping me build the strength to have boundaries with my mom. I feel guilt because my parents took me in when I needed to recover and took care of my debt. They did that because they loved me. But at the same time, when my mom said that there would be no alcohol in the house, I could smell the alcohol on her breath the second day I was home and every day after and trying to recover. I just have to learn that I don't owe anyone anything. My mom did a lot of ridiculous things to us and still has those same behaviors.
Thanks for listening!
I got over to my parents house around noon at Thanksgiving. My mom was fine when I got there but was obviously drunk by 12:30. She set the table and put placecards by each seat. I didn't look at them until we ate and she had sat me next to her. She was drinking red wine and the smell of it really got to me. That is a big thing that I have really noticed since I got sober. I can smell anything no matter how far away it is. Well, I ended up getting ill. The smell really, really bothered me this time and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I didn't tell anyone though; I didn't want to make a big issue of it.
My brother and brother-in-law were talking about their college days and having to go the hospital for stitches and having to make 'that phone call' home to mom. Well, my mom tried to bring up my time in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and it being one of 'those calls.' I gave her the look of death because I knew where she was going. It's been over a year and a half since I got sober and over 10 years since that incident happened. She quickly stopped talking after I gave her a look.
She seemed to want to bring something up about me because later on my brother and brother in law were talking about being in frats and not making it to class on time and getting a phone call from mom when they should be in class. My mom pipes up with "Patty knows all about those phone calls don't you?" I just wanted to throttle her.
Here I am, not even talking about my past, the boys were. I could have said a lot worse about things that she has done but I didn't. I left shortly after.
She just really pi**es me off. I am now seeing a counselor to talk about my anger towards her and resenting her and not accepting who she is. There is a lot of things that she has done to all of her kids that my counselor says is not normal. She is helping me build the strength to have boundaries with my mom. I feel guilt because my parents took me in when I needed to recover and took care of my debt. They did that because they loved me. But at the same time, when my mom said that there would be no alcohol in the house, I could smell the alcohol on her breath the second day I was home and every day after and trying to recover. I just have to learn that I don't owe anyone anything. My mom did a lot of ridiculous things to us and still has those same behaviors.
Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
Thanks matilda! My mom and I are so much alike or at least she reminds me of who I used to be when I was drinking. I just can't stand to be around her. In recovery, they say that you need to remove those around you who have a bad influence on you or who would make you relapse. But how can you remove your mother from your life? I guess, she hasn't ever really been a present mother so it's not a huge loss but still confusing.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I had a very similar experience with my mother.
When I began recovery, I became acutely aware that she was toxic to me and I would spend as little time with her as possible, which was only about once a year. I tuned out when she phoned or let the machine get it. It was such a good thing to do.
When I began recovery, I became acutely aware that she was toxic to me and I would spend as little time with her as possible, which was only about once a year. I tuned out when she phoned or let the machine get it. It was such a good thing to do.
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That advice is fantastic Anna, as I hardly talk to my mom on the phone or in between visits. Actually doing that advice is hard but I think that my counselor will help me build those boundaries. My mom likes to hold money and vacations over our heads, my parents have a lot of money, and have actually written two daughters out of their will. I think I am strong enough and prepared to take care of myself now that I am sober and need to realize that money isn't everything, it ruined my parents for sure. It just irritates me that she does that. I just have to be strong. Thanks!!
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I can relate to much of what you posted. Now that I'm getting sober, I pay more attention to my mom's drinking. She makes inappropriate comments and my sister-in-law and I just look at each other. For example, my SIL and I both work full time and I mentioned that I can't remember when my kids reached a certain milestone...she said, "I remembered ALL your milestones, because I was just focused on my children. You don't remember because you're focused on work too." Umm, OK. She posts random stuff on my friends' Facebook pages and then says "just sayin'." Ahhh, I could go on...sorry to make this about mememe, but you're not alone. 
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Good to know. Thanks josharon. My counselor said something about accepting your mom for who she is and what she does is not saying that you are okay with her drinking. You're just accepting that she may never change. My mom and probably your mom, has had this issue a lot longer then we did and as hard as recovery and getting sober was for me, she has 20 years more of drinking on me so imagine how hard it will be for her. It will be very hard to accept the actions of our moms because they are supposed to be the mom that I want them to be but once we do it will be a weight off of our shoulders.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
My sobriety ruined their world for a while.
If you go read or study about family dynamics you'll see how us changing/growing and getting sober alters their world.
Yes, they wanted me sober, but they didn't realize that the family dynamic would have to shift, I could no longer be the black-sheep, I had to take on a new role...mine was hero.
Once my role changed, they had to alter their roles too. My step-father became the scapegoat (black-sheep) and she left him within a few years, and so on.
In time they all became comfortable with their new roles in the family. we added family member through birth and marriage, things changed, etc.
I walked out on one Thanksgiving dinner, right in the middle of it. I stated I would no longer be their scapegoat, and was unwilling to play these games anymore. It was a few years before things got back to "normal" but in time they did.
I did much to be given the "black-sheep" role, but looking back through life, they did much to make sure it was mine.
Today they all depend on me for a variety of different things, emotional support, wisdom concerning other family member and addiction, financial support, etc.
I think we all maintain the new roles but to a lesser degree, however they are still there. Our time together seems focus more on playing nice and getting along than looking at the past.
I have cooked the Thanksgiving dinner for the past 15+ years as a way of putting back some of the sanity I did rob them of for many years. I owe them a lot over the years and I do my share to set it right. That being said .... I am not their doormat and they will treat me with respect.
Life has a way of working these things out if we stay close to God and do his bidding.
If you go read or study about family dynamics you'll see how us changing/growing and getting sober alters their world.
Yes, they wanted me sober, but they didn't realize that the family dynamic would have to shift, I could no longer be the black-sheep, I had to take on a new role...mine was hero.
Once my role changed, they had to alter their roles too. My step-father became the scapegoat (black-sheep) and she left him within a few years, and so on.
In time they all became comfortable with their new roles in the family. we added family member through birth and marriage, things changed, etc.
I walked out on one Thanksgiving dinner, right in the middle of it. I stated I would no longer be their scapegoat, and was unwilling to play these games anymore. It was a few years before things got back to "normal" but in time they did.
I did much to be given the "black-sheep" role, but looking back through life, they did much to make sure it was mine.
Today they all depend on me for a variety of different things, emotional support, wisdom concerning other family member and addiction, financial support, etc.
I think we all maintain the new roles but to a lesser degree, however they are still there. Our time together seems focus more on playing nice and getting along than looking at the past.
I have cooked the Thanksgiving dinner for the past 15+ years as a way of putting back some of the sanity I did rob them of for many years. I owe them a lot over the years and I do my share to set it right. That being said .... I am not their doormat and they will treat me with respect.
Life has a way of working these things out if we stay close to God and do his bidding.
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