luvcaitlin

I started posting on here in June of 2013 when my now ex husband was at an all time drinking high. Things never got better, had to have him move out in July of 2013 as he again let us down for a holiday and showed up drunk to set off fireworks with his daughter and had to have his friends wife drive him home. He stayed in our camp trailer for 3 days straight after and never came out except to get beer I assume. No answering our banging on the door to check on him, our calls etc. Finally came out drunker than hell and I said that was it. He moved out a week later.We both were wanting to work things out and I had hoped he would see what he had done to me to us for so many years. WRONG. Single life suited him too well. He called less and less, kept taking off to see his folks out of state, then got hooked up with his brother's wifes sister. I filed a week later and we were divorced a month after. He has since moved out of state. He left a very good paying state job here, left a ton of bills and most importantly, never even called to tell his daughter goodbye. Just left and two months later called her. She wants nothing to do with him and will not call him and I will not pressure her. This is not the man I was married to for 17 years. Is this the alcohol or did I just not know this man?? I go over this a hundred times a day. How could he just drop everything? I know his family are also big drinkers and enablers so that may be part of the reason, but to just leave his daughter like he did. He pays support and nothing else. Breaks my heart for our daughter who by the way is doing good. I know she misses what dad she used to have before his drinking got so bad. **Do alcoholics ever ever have regrets over the horrible pain and loss their drinking has caused???****

biminiblue

They do have regrets. They numb them with more alcohol.

For my own peace of mind, I stopped trying to figure out the "whys." The fact is he did what he did. He sounds pretty seriously affected.

Take care of your daughter. Is she in Al Anon or therapy? She is going to need it. I would think you might benefit as well, since you are still struggling with acceptance.

lillamy

I know alcoholics in recovery do, and that's one thing that makes recovery so painful and difficult. When they actually have to face the consequences of their choices without numbing themselves with alcohol.

Your prize ass, I mean AXH, and mine seem similar. I know in AXH's case, the only pain and loss he acknowledges is his own -- he's painting me as the bad guy (for claiming he's an abusive alcoholic, which in his universe is a lie) and the person who alienated him from his children (like your ex, mine needed no help in that department).

The conclusion I came to was that it's not realistic to expect an apology from him. Not as long as he's drinking. I do think he is somewhere aware of it. I almost see his awareness of the damage he did as a fire that walks right behind him, and every time he drinks, it's like he pours a bucket of water on it. It never leaves him, he can never put it out, but his drinking also prevents it from setting his rear end on fire. If it set his rear end on fire, he would have to do something. But as long as he's drinking and pouring buckets of water on the fire, he can keep going.

With addicts, you have to provide your own closure.

Whether or not karma catches up with him is not important. He's living in a hell of his own making, and you have gotten out of it. That's a really good thing for you, my friend. I hope you and your daughter have a good support system in place -- I know my kids really have benefited from therapy -- and that you can get to a place where you can leave the past in the past and look forward. ((((hugs))))

firebolt

It is SUCH a horrible disease. I'm so sorry for the pain you've gone through, I know it well. To answer your question, some do. Many don't.

If I caused so much pain and destruction to the people that loved me, the bottle would seem a much simpler solution than making amends, and forgiving myself, I suppose. It is devastating. (((HUGS))) to you and your daughter.

luvcaitlin

yes, my ex is also trying to paint a bad picture of me as well. I am turning our daughter against him, I took him to the cleaners etc... He has since made up with his estranged family he stayed away from for 6 years because of how bad they treated him, us etc. He completely turned on us, his daughter which really was so uncharacteristic of him. He had problems with his family before we married and during our marriage and was the black sheep to them and always stood up for us as a family. It blows my mind and my daughters that he left us, her to go back over there and now is living with a woman my daughter thought of as an aunt. Its all a bad deal and you are right, it is unrealistic to expect an apology if he is still drinking. I know he is still drinking and if losing his family didn't make him see the light nothing will. I just need to quit thinking of what he should feel and realize he is gone in more ways than one. Its a process for sure.

lillamy

I'm beginning to think we really were married to the same guy...

hopeful4

I am so sorry for you and your daughter.

Honestly, I hate to say this, but he likely did you a favor. Life with him for you and your daughter would have been one full of misery.

Some people have a very low bottom, or none at all. I agree there is no real closure with an addict. Sometimes the addiction does not cause it, sometimes it does. In this case, it does not really matter. I am not trying to be callous, just thinking you would be better served for yourself and your DD to put in time to recovering from this and how to move forward w/out carrying around a million lbs of resentments that things like this lead to.

Tight hugs. I am so sorry.

Hawks

Why would anyone drink so much if they were happy, loving life and had no regrets?

Hopeful2013

I think alcoholics are acutely aware of the hurt and heartache they cause but they are unable to change their addiction. I don't think that there is an alcoholic on the plant who likes or wants to be a drunk. Unfortunately until the alcoholic addresses the underlying causes of their addition nothing will change. One thing is for sure though, when you lose everything THEN sober up, the reality of the damage caused is enough to send you back to the bottle.

Let's hope we all are strong enough to keep going in our journey for sobriety.

thotful

I suppose I can only speak for me. Regrets? Not until I got sober.

Some of the memories come back to me in flashes (even though I was a binge drinker). Oh crap, there was this one time that I did such and such - this requires an amends. So, when I was active in my addiction, I was probably successfully burying away bad memories (of my behavior) - either that I forget my behavior - overexaggerate someone else's (they did this, so they deserved me doing that).

Because of how I grew up, I actually felt WEAK when saying I'm sorry. Which means, that maybe I would experience the emotion of shame. For some reason, I developed a learned behavior that admitting fault of any kind (I was wrong, etc) was exhibiting weakness. That I would feel the lowest of low and that my world would fall apart.

During my amends process (recovery 2+ years) - I contacted people about things I did 20 years ago. Didn't matter. It bothered me, so I made the call.

Other memories came back when supportive friends told me. (hey, that one girl really liked you and asked you to a hockey game and you said, "h** no!" - messed that one up). I'm grateful for that. I was certainly behaving like an a**, moron, whatever you want to call it. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Just poor behavior. No more poor behavior, no more being a a*hole.

Change is possible, but not guaranteed. Alcoholism is a devastating disease...like cancer. I sometimes wonder if I'm just simply lucky - circumstances moved a certain way to weaken the disease just enough. However, I will battle the disease for the rest of my life.

Regrets in recovery? Most definitely.
Regrets in active drinking? Probably not - I thought myself a saint.

Just my personal experience though. Other people will have different experiences.

Hope7726

Since I cannot understand alcoholism/drug addiction AT ALL, I sometimes try to look at it as food addiction, because I like and understand eating. Have you ever watched any of the shows with the morbidly obese people who are food addicts? Or seen them on talk shows? If they are so obese that they're bedridden, they demand that their enabling family members provide them obscene amounts of food each day. If they don't receive it they make their family's lives a living hell until they finally agree to get them their food. If they are still physically able to provide for themselves, they hit up drive-thrus multiple times per day and binge eat. They know it's killing them but they cannot stop.

I imagine myself as a food addict (or even a nicotine addict) and I can totally picture myself thinking, my addiction isn't hurting anyone. I'm not making anyone else eat, I'm doing it to myself. And I know my family loves me even though they are constantly getting irritated with my over-eating and always hounding me to get help. I don't understand why they even care so much, it has nothing to do with them! I wish they would eff off!

I realize the damage that food addiction could bring to a family is nowhere near the damage that substance abuse causes. But the addicted brain works the same, regardless of what the addiction is. If I really think about it, I can sometimes even put myself at rock bottom of my food addiction. It's gotten completely out of control, I am spending almost every waking hour eating, spending hundreds of dollars a month on food, I've gained X amount of weight, my doctor has told me if I don't stop this will kill me because my heart cannot take any more, plus I now have diabetes, which I am not treating because I don't even care. I can't keep a job because most jobs won't allow me to binge eat all day so I have no money. My friends can't deal with me anymore and they have stopped talking to me, and my family is OVER IT. They told me if I continue doing this I need to leave. So fine, I will. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate feeling this way, my life is completely ruled by food...let me go to Taco Bell and then I'll feel better and forget about all of that stuff. And when I think about it again I'll go to Burger King. And i pray no one I care about sees me because I am so utterly pathetic right now.

You may not be able to relate to that comparison at all but it helps me have a better understanding of this sad and crazy disease. I'm sorry. I pray each day for everyone affected by addiction. It's so horrible.

SparkleKitty

"Alcoholics in denial" are exactly that: in denial. So, no. Nothing is ever their fault.

Alcoholics in recovery...you have a chance with, I think. I try to manage my expectations appropriately.

Eauchiche

I have decided to think of my mate's alcoholism like a mental illness. This helps to diffuse my anger and pain towards the situation. How else would he:
1. Allow his relationships to go to hell (ALL of them)?
2. Allow his house to deteriorate, when just a few years ago he was very proud of his place?
3. Allow beer cans to pile up 6 feet high in the garage?

All I can do is work on me, and fight the compulsion to go back to my "drink"- the urge to jump in and try and fix him.

luvcaitlin

Appreciate all the replies and advice!!!! I know everyone and every situation is different. I am just still in disbelief how my ex just burned so many bridges here which of course include our family together. I guess being with people who accept his drinking and encourage it (his family, his dad inparticular) was more important to him. Even when not drunk after all this happened, he changed so much. Was so hateful to me as if I was the one who let him down so many times, cheated on him etc. He lived a 1/2 blk from us before he left the state and could care less about his daughter seeing his new love (while still married, no papers filed yet) at his place, all the people there partying, all the beer cans on the porch etc, then POOF, he leaves the state, no goodbye but an occasional text. No calls on her birthday and of course no gift. Its just so strange and makes me wonder if I really knew him in the 17 year marriage. I need to quit going over all this in my head. Knowing him like I do NOW, he will never admit of his drinking problem and his 18 pack of Keystone Light a night will always remain a "couple of beers" in his mind..

Magvnj

My regrets and the guilt associated with them made me drink all over again so I wouldn't feel the pain. Today I am sober 3 years and still have a slew of regrets but I try to make a living amends to my family. Today I am responsible, a good person and a good wife and mother. I have done damage but don't say sorry anymore. I can't talk my way out of something I behaved my way into. I just do the right thing everyday and each day the past is one day further. I acknowledge the pain I have cause but cannot change it.

CAPTAINZING2000

Alcohol certainly played a big part in the failure of my first marriage.
I'm not sure we would have stayed together even if I never drank.
The noncustodial parent misses a lot not getting to see his children growing up on a daily basis.

That being said, some people are lousy parents with or without alcohol.

PaperDolls

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you and your daughter are in.


Yes. Absolutely. In active addiction and in recovery. We're human.



My question for you is - what if he did have regrets over the pain he has caused you and your daughter? Then what? Is the pain gone?

Working on our pain and resentments and getting over that anger is tough but it's possible.

Butterfly

[QUOTE=luvcaitlin;505522I am just still in disbelief how my ex just burned so many bridges here which of course include our family together. I guess being with people who accept his drinking and encourage it (his family, his dad inparticular) was more important to him.[/QUOTE]


Please don't take this personally, which I know is hard. For the longest time and still do at times I struggled with the idea that his friends etc were more important than me that he would rather be with them!! It's their freedom to drink without judgement, criticism, feelings of guilt and shame that is more important, yes the friends and family who don't judge who say nothing about his drinking will be the people they surround themselves with, but these people don't care about them and when everything falls apart they won't be seen for dust!!

I am sorry about what has happened to you and your daughter, please look after yourself and your daughter!!

luvcaitlin

PaperDolls, to answer your question "what if he regrets the pain he caused me and my daughter, what then?" No, the pain would not be gone (hopefully healing), but I think it would make him more human and more the man that I thought I married and was married to for so long. Though drinking was always an issue, he was NEVER the cold, heartless person he is now with no regards to anyone's feelings especially his only child, our 11 year old daughter. One of the last things he told her before he moved out was "you are an f'ing b*tch, just like your mom" and never ever ever has apologized. I guess I would feel better knowing, he really does have feelings and takes account for how he treated us if he were to regret his actions. I realize that day will probably never come and I can't dwell on it or I will not be able to move on. Thinking you know someone so well for so many years then seeing them change so very drastically is a shock to say the least!! I guess the addiction is more powerful than I gave it credit for and I am relieved to not have to deal with it anymore, though I still don't understand the transformation he took on.

oldsoul1122

Of course. That makes for a cycle of drinking for maybe years on end. The main focus should be for the drinker to stop, get into some type of recovery and start making amends. Not just an "I'm sorry" but sincerely do something to make a difference and make things better for those involved.