What Happened To Me??
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
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What Happened To Me??
OK, so I'm new here...I am trying to figure out what exactly has happened to me recently and how to fix it. I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but I figure this is the best place to start.
A little back ground...My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we each have 2 children apiece from separate previous marriages. We have lived together for the last 15 months and everything has been awesome up until the last 6 months or so. I found out in March that very early on in our relationship, he had cheated on me....with his ex wife (enter in one angry woman). I put all this off and forgave him. He has shown me a million different ways that it was a huge mistake on his part and that something like that would never happen again.
We have always had a great time drinking together (usually 2 or 3 times a month) and I have never had any issue with being a mean drunk at all, up until now. When i am sober i am calm, cool, collected, happy go lucky, respectful and would never dream of putting my hands kn anyone. Over the last 6 months I have found myself blacking out repeatedly when we drink together. I wake up the next morning not remembering anything at all and he is pissed at me telling me I turned into a monster.
It has escalated horribly over the last month. 2 weeks ago I had a blackout night and I tried to get into a fist fight with him (he's 6'4 I'm 5'3 so you can see how well that went for me). I remember none of it, not even being angry with him at all. Fast forward to Monday. We went fishing with one of his friends, had a few beers and we were having a great time again until I blackedout and flipped out. Again, I remember none of this and only have to go off of what he tells me...apparently I started yelling at him over throwing a package of bacon in the water when we were getting ready to leave. I decided to start pushing him, getting in his face and trying to hit him...(wth?) He takes off to the truck, I wouldn't follow...he's mad as hell so he just leaves me there, but his friend climbs back down the ditch to get me into the truck.
Here is where things get even more messed up and I have a hard time believing that it happened...
My boyfriend says we were down in the ditch for a while and when his friend and I came up and got into the truck that his friend had my *smell* on him, if you know what I mean. I'm not even attracted to his friend nor have I ever or would I ever cheat on my boyfriend. He's an amazing person, I love him with all my heart and soul, he's an amazing father figure to my children and he stands by me through thick and thin.
He has already told me that he forgives me and wants to just move on past all this, but how the hell can I forgive myself if this really happened??? What in God's name is wrong with me?? Why have I turned into such a monster?? I just want to quit drinking all together but I'm not sure how to begin with that. It seems like no matter what I drink or how much I try to limit myself, I end up blacking out now...it's like a switch just flips in my brain, one second I'm there, happy and coherent... And the next my light goes out and I'm filled with primal rage. Any comment or guidance in this matter would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to ruin my life, my relationship or lose my family. My ex husband was a horrible alcoholic and now I feel no better than he was.
TLDR; used to be fine, but now I turn into a crazy, violent, cheating mad woman when I drink. Don't want to lose everything because of it.
A little back ground...My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we each have 2 children apiece from separate previous marriages. We have lived together for the last 15 months and everything has been awesome up until the last 6 months or so. I found out in March that very early on in our relationship, he had cheated on me....with his ex wife (enter in one angry woman). I put all this off and forgave him. He has shown me a million different ways that it was a huge mistake on his part and that something like that would never happen again.
We have always had a great time drinking together (usually 2 or 3 times a month) and I have never had any issue with being a mean drunk at all, up until now. When i am sober i am calm, cool, collected, happy go lucky, respectful and would never dream of putting my hands kn anyone. Over the last 6 months I have found myself blacking out repeatedly when we drink together. I wake up the next morning not remembering anything at all and he is pissed at me telling me I turned into a monster.
It has escalated horribly over the last month. 2 weeks ago I had a blackout night and I tried to get into a fist fight with him (he's 6'4 I'm 5'3 so you can see how well that went for me). I remember none of it, not even being angry with him at all. Fast forward to Monday. We went fishing with one of his friends, had a few beers and we were having a great time again until I blackedout and flipped out. Again, I remember none of this and only have to go off of what he tells me...apparently I started yelling at him over throwing a package of bacon in the water when we were getting ready to leave. I decided to start pushing him, getting in his face and trying to hit him...(wth?) He takes off to the truck, I wouldn't follow...he's mad as hell so he just leaves me there, but his friend climbs back down the ditch to get me into the truck.
Here is where things get even more messed up and I have a hard time believing that it happened...
My boyfriend says we were down in the ditch for a while and when his friend and I came up and got into the truck that his friend had my *smell* on him, if you know what I mean. I'm not even attracted to his friend nor have I ever or would I ever cheat on my boyfriend. He's an amazing person, I love him with all my heart and soul, he's an amazing father figure to my children and he stands by me through thick and thin.
He has already told me that he forgives me and wants to just move on past all this, but how the hell can I forgive myself if this really happened??? What in God's name is wrong with me?? Why have I turned into such a monster?? I just want to quit drinking all together but I'm not sure how to begin with that. It seems like no matter what I drink or how much I try to limit myself, I end up blacking out now...it's like a switch just flips in my brain, one second I'm there, happy and coherent... And the next my light goes out and I'm filled with primal rage. Any comment or guidance in this matter would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to ruin my life, my relationship or lose my family. My ex husband was a horrible alcoholic and now I feel no better than he was.
TLDR; used to be fine, but now I turn into a crazy, violent, cheating mad woman when I drink. Don't want to lose everything because of it.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
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ALCOHOL’S DAMAGING EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN
Difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, slowed reaction times, impaired memory: Clearly, alcohol affects the brain. Some of these impairments are detectable after only one or two drinks and quickly resolve when drinking stops. On the other hand, a person who drinks heavily over a long period of time may have brain deficits that persist well after he or she achieves sobriety. Exactly how alcohol affects the brain and the likelihood of reversing the impact of heavy drinking on the brain remain hot topics in alcohol research today.
We do know that heavy drinking may have extensive and far–reaching effects on the brain, ranging from simple “slips” in memory to permanent and debilitating conditions that require lifetime custodial care. And even moderate drinking leads to short–term impairment, as shown by extensive research on the impact of drinking on driving.
A number of factors influence how and to what extent alcohol affects the brain (1), including
how much and how often a person drinks;
the age at which he or she first began drinking, and how long he or she has been drinking;
the person’s age, level of education, gender, genetic background, and family history of alcoholism;
whether he or she is at risk as a result of prenatal alcohol exposure; and
his or her general health status.
This Alcohol Alert reviews some common disorders associated with alcohol–related brain damage and the people at greatest risk for impairment. It looks at traditional as well as emerging therapies for the treatment and prevention of alcohol–related disorders and includes a brief look at the high–tech tools that are helping scientists to better understand the effects of alcohol on the brain.
BLACKOUTS AND MEMORY LAPSES
Alcohol can produce detectable impairments in memory after only a few drinks and, as the amount of alcohol increases, so does the degree of impairment. Large quantities of alcohol, especially when consumed quickly and on an empty stomach, can produce a blackout, or an interval of time for which the intoxicated person cannot recall key details of events, or even entire events.
Blackouts are much more common among social drinkers than previously assumed and should be viewed as a potential consequence of acute intoxication regardless of age or whether the drinker is clinically dependent on alcohol (2). White and colleagues (3) surveyed 772 college undergraduates about their experiences with blackouts and asked, “Have you ever awoken after a night of drinking not able to remember things that you did or places that you went?” Of the students who had ever consumed alcohol, 51 percent reported blacking out at some point in their lives, and 40 percent reported experiencing a blackout in the year before the survey. Of those who reported drinking in the 2 weeks before the survey, 9.4 percent said they blacked out during that time. The students reported learning later that they had participated in a wide range of potentially dangerous events they could not remember, including vandalism, unprotected sex, and driving.
Equal numbers of men and women reported experiencing blackouts, despite the fact that the men drank significantly more often and more heavily than the women. This outcome suggests that regardless of the amount of alcohol consumption, females—a group infrequently studied in the literature on blackouts—are at greater risk than males for experiencing blackouts. A woman’s tendency to black out more easily probably results from differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Females also may be more susceptible than males to milder forms of alcohol–induced memory impairments, even when men and women consume comparable amounts of alcohol (4).
ALCOHOL'S DAMAGING EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN
Difficulty walking, blurred vision, slurred speech, slowed reaction times, impaired memory: Clearly, alcohol affects the brain. Some of these impairments are detectable after only one or two drinks and quickly resolve when drinking stops. On the other hand, a person who drinks heavily over a long period of time may have brain deficits that persist well after he or she achieves sobriety. Exactly how alcohol affects the brain and the likelihood of reversing the impact of heavy drinking on the brain remain hot topics in alcohol research today.
We do know that heavy drinking may have extensive and far–reaching effects on the brain, ranging from simple “slips” in memory to permanent and debilitating conditions that require lifetime custodial care. And even moderate drinking leads to short–term impairment, as shown by extensive research on the impact of drinking on driving.
A number of factors influence how and to what extent alcohol affects the brain (1), including
how much and how often a person drinks;
the age at which he or she first began drinking, and how long he or she has been drinking;
the person’s age, level of education, gender, genetic background, and family history of alcoholism;
whether he or she is at risk as a result of prenatal alcohol exposure; and
his or her general health status.
This Alcohol Alert reviews some common disorders associated with alcohol–related brain damage and the people at greatest risk for impairment. It looks at traditional as well as emerging therapies for the treatment and prevention of alcohol–related disorders and includes a brief look at the high–tech tools that are helping scientists to better understand the effects of alcohol on the brain.
BLACKOUTS AND MEMORY LAPSES
Alcohol can produce detectable impairments in memory after only a few drinks and, as the amount of alcohol increases, so does the degree of impairment. Large quantities of alcohol, especially when consumed quickly and on an empty stomach, can produce a blackout, or an interval of time for which the intoxicated person cannot recall key details of events, or even entire events.
Blackouts are much more common among social drinkers than previously assumed and should be viewed as a potential consequence of acute intoxication regardless of age or whether the drinker is clinically dependent on alcohol (2). White and colleagues (3) surveyed 772 college undergraduates about their experiences with blackouts and asked, “Have you ever awoken after a night of drinking not able to remember things that you did or places that you went?” Of the students who had ever consumed alcohol, 51 percent reported blacking out at some point in their lives, and 40 percent reported experiencing a blackout in the year before the survey. Of those who reported drinking in the 2 weeks before the survey, 9.4 percent said they blacked out during that time. The students reported learning later that they had participated in a wide range of potentially dangerous events they could not remember, including vandalism, unprotected sex, and driving.
Equal numbers of men and women reported experiencing blackouts, despite the fact that the men drank significantly more often and more heavily than the women. This outcome suggests that regardless of the amount of alcohol consumption, females—a group infrequently studied in the literature on blackouts—are at greater risk than males for experiencing blackouts. A woman’s tendency to black out more easily probably results from differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Females also may be more susceptible than males to milder forms of alcohol–induced memory impairments, even when men and women consume comparable amounts of alcohol (4).
ALCOHOL'S DAMAGING EFFECTS ON THE BRAIN
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Read around the forums. You will see you are not alone in how alcohol changes us, how it ruins our lives and relationships.
It begins with the decision to quit drinking. For good. No compromising over special events, celebrations, tragedies. No more drinking. Tell your boyfriend you've quit and ask for his support. For now that may mean no alcohol in the house, no telling you that all you have to do is "control" your drinking.
Once you accept you can never drink, find a recovery method that will support that decision.
Originally Posted by imamess2986 
What in God's name is wrong with me?? Why have I turned into such a monster?? I just want to quit drinking all together but I'm not sure how to begin with that.
Once you accept you can never drink, find a recovery method that will support that decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 7
Firstly, thank you all for the welcome.
@ josharon: it is quite terrifying to wake up the next morning and not know with has happened the night before only to find out you turned into someone else. I tried to stop before, went a month, thought I was ok, started again and you can see how well that went...
@captainzing2000 thank you for that info, it is quite eye opening.
@doggonecarl thank you, I will read around. Its nice to know I'm not alone in this
@ josharon: it is quite terrifying to wake up the next morning and not know with has happened the night before only to find out you turned into someone else. I tried to stop before, went a month, thought I was ok, started again and you can see how well that went...
@captainzing2000 thank you for that info, it is quite eye opening.
@doggonecarl thank you, I will read around. Its nice to know I'm not alone in this
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 524
Agreed. Stop drinking before this progresses. The inability to control how much you drink once you start and the black outs are both indications of something serious. Black outs are scary as hell and I was having them regularly towards the end of my drinking. If you continue to drink each occurrence will only get worse and you'll continue to lose more control over how often you drink.
You're in the right place. I suggest you start by looking around this forum and reading others posts. You may see many you can relate to.
You're in the right place. I suggest you start by looking around this forum and reading others posts. You may see many you can relate to.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing with us.
First, I would like to say that this "friend" of your BF's is no friend at all. If something did happen this "friend" took advantage of you in a less than lucid state. This person is toxic to your relationship with your BF.
I do agree with doggonecarl that you must accept drinking is not an option for you anymore. Once you can fully accept that quitting will get easier.
Keep coming back & posting. The support on this site is paramount & very comforting. We are here for you...
First, I would like to say that this "friend" of your BF's is no friend at all. If something did happen this "friend" took advantage of you in a less than lucid state. This person is toxic to your relationship with your BF.
I do agree with doggonecarl that you must accept drinking is not an option for you anymore. Once you can fully accept that quitting will get easier.
Keep coming back & posting. The support on this site is paramount & very comforting. We are here for you...
Journey of Sobriety
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 195
Even though you considered yourself fine while drinking before, I would suggest weighing out your options. It sounds like if you keep drinking the relationship will only get more poisonous and it may possibly become destroyed, or you can eliminate the problem by quit drinking entirely. You said you were just having a few beers then it quickly lead to a blackout, maybe your using alcohol to cope? I know that's why my drinking problem lead to very bad nights. AA meeting helped me, and now I am trying to discover some of the issues that were causing me to drink heavily - you might want to check a meeting out.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Welcome. This is a really great place to read up, learn, and be honest with yourself about your drinking habits. Whether or not your an alcoholic only you can decide. In my experience continued use of alcohol over long periods of time is a very dangerous slope. Look around SR for commonalities. Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,475
Welcome!
Blackouts are the scariest things. It's so hard to know that there are pieces of your life you will never remember and you don't know what happened to you. I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days, and I will never forget how that felt.
I'm glad you have found us!
Blackouts are the scariest things. It's so hard to know that there are pieces of your life you will never remember and you don't know what happened to you. I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days, and I will never forget how that felt.
I'm glad you have found us!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 7
Right now I have absolutely zero desire to drink. The real challenge is going to be in a few weeks when everyone wants to go to the bar and over the holidays. My family is big on having the alcohol flowing freely during celebrations, parties, etc. I am going to continue to post here and try to get all the support I can. It's really nice to know there is a place like this I can turn to without being judged.
@JT0626 I agree with you 100% on that. He and my boyfriend have been friends for almost 15 years and he has a girlfriend of his own that he lives with. I don't understand how he could do something like that to my boyfriend or to me and only about 100 yards away from the truck my boyfriend was sitting in!! Its so confusing and down right scary at the same time. Especially since my boyfriend went and stayed the night at his house after they dropped me off at our house. If it was the other way around I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere near my so called "friend"
@JT0626 I agree with you 100% on that. He and my boyfriend have been friends for almost 15 years and he has a girlfriend of his own that he lives with. I don't understand how he could do something like that to my boyfriend or to me and only about 100 yards away from the truck my boyfriend was sitting in!! Its so confusing and down right scary at the same time. Especially since my boyfriend went and stayed the night at his house after they dropped me off at our house. If it was the other way around I wouldnt have wanted to be anywhere near my so called "friend"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Frixion
You said you were just having a few beers then it quickly lead to a blackout, maybe your using alcohol to cope?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
Welcome to SR. If you are blacking out, I think you know you have to quit drinking. Alcoholism is progressive. Where you might have been fine drinking before, now you are not and things can get a lot worse.
Look around here, talk to folks and investigate recovery methods. You don't have to go through this ever again.
Look around here, talk to folks and investigate recovery methods. You don't have to go through this ever again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome imamess. This is a great community with a ton of support. As others have said, this disease is progressive. Your body is trying to tell you something.
Take a look around these threads. You are not alone in what you are experiencing.
Best of luck
Take a look around these threads. You are not alone in what you are experiencing.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Your story is nearly identical to mine.
I recently just started blacking out every time I drink, and from what I hear from my boyfriend, I'm a complete monster.
I usually drink alone, but when I do out, I am always fine around women, but will start arguments with men and I don't know why.
Anyway, all I have to go on is what my boyfriend tells me too. He filmed while blacking out and it wasn't pretty. But, his version of the story feels a bit embellished at times.
Example: he said I attacked him. But what it was, is that I pushed the camera away that he was filming me with..... While I wasn't in the right being that drunk, I didn't appreciate him making me believe I attacked him. It was on tape so I saw what I did, I didn't even knock it out of his hand, just pushed it away from me, not even hard. Maybe I'm minimizing......
Anyway, the part about having your smell on his friend, i think he might just be saying that to alleviate his guilt about cheating.
The reason I think this, is because he said he forgives you already and wants to move past it.
Yeah right, who forgives someone immediately, that just had sex with their friend in the ditch a few meters from them. Not likely. I doubt you did, so don't go beating yourself up for that.
But you have to stop drinking, I did, those blackouts are super bad and scary. Plus the brain damage part
Best wishes and keep your head up xoxo
I apologize if I'm out of line with what I said about your boyfriend.
I recently just started blacking out every time I drink, and from what I hear from my boyfriend, I'm a complete monster.
I usually drink alone, but when I do out, I am always fine around women, but will start arguments with men and I don't know why.
Anyway, all I have to go on is what my boyfriend tells me too. He filmed while blacking out and it wasn't pretty. But, his version of the story feels a bit embellished at times.
Example: he said I attacked him. But what it was, is that I pushed the camera away that he was filming me with..... While I wasn't in the right being that drunk, I didn't appreciate him making me believe I attacked him. It was on tape so I saw what I did, I didn't even knock it out of his hand, just pushed it away from me, not even hard. Maybe I'm minimizing......
Anyway, the part about having your smell on his friend, i think he might just be saying that to alleviate his guilt about cheating.
The reason I think this, is because he said he forgives you already and wants to move past it.
Yeah right, who forgives someone immediately, that just had sex with their friend in the ditch a few meters from them. Not likely. I doubt you did, so don't go beating yourself up for that.
But you have to stop drinking, I did, those blackouts are super bad and scary. Plus the brain damage part
Best wishes and keep your head up xoxo
I apologize if I'm out of line with what I said about your boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
what an awful place to be in.
having been in some pretty terrible, painful, confusing and unbelievable situations in my own life because of alcohol here's one thing I can tell you from personal experience;
when I got sober - all those terrible, painful, confusing and unbelievable situations went away. And stopped happening further.
From what you describe, the very best and the very first place to start is simply on not drinking and doing everything it takes to stay sober.
From there, you will find a path to address all the other stuff.
having been in some pretty terrible, painful, confusing and unbelievable situations in my own life because of alcohol here's one thing I can tell you from personal experience;
when I got sober - all those terrible, painful, confusing and unbelievable situations went away. And stopped happening further.
From what you describe, the very best and the very first place to start is simply on not drinking and doing everything it takes to stay sober.
From there, you will find a path to address all the other stuff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 7
@ Jsbodhi: Holy cow! I didn't think that anyone at all could be experiencing something so closely to what I'm going through. I agree that your boyfriend may have been exaggerating a little but he was probably just trying to get his point across to you the best way he knew how. You are not out of line at all about what you said about my boyfriend. I hope that truly is the case and that I didn't sleep with his friend. I'll never really know the truth in that and thats what scares me most of all.
Thanks so much for your support, it means a lot to me right now...best of luck to you as well...I'm praying it only gets better from here
Thanks so much for your support, it means a lot to me right now...best of luck to you as well...I'm praying it only gets better from here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
when I got sober - all those terrible, painful, confusing and unbelievable situations went away. And stopped happening further.
Alexander Supertramp :)
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 148
imamess2986 welcome and (((((((((()))))))))))). I started blacking out and it scares the hell out of me. You will have no recolection of what you say or do. Let me say I am not proud of the things that have occured during blackouts. Stop drinking today, you seem to have alot going for you to throw away. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
welcome 
lots of great advice in here already (as always)...
blacking out is scary as all he11. The last year or so of my drinking, the blacking out was a regular thing as well.
I just had 6 months, yup. 6 solid awesome months of sobriety....then went to Cuba.
I had a couple glasses of wine and automatically knew it was a bad idea. The progressiveness of this disease was that strongly felt. Within the first 2 or 3 glasses, I could feel my brain turn to mush...I stopped. Immediately.
I used to be able to polish bottles off with no problems. After a 6mth hiatus, I felt those glasses almost like a train had hit me. I just thank god I was able to see it and know I did NOT want to go down that road again and stopped and enjoyed my vacation sober, as planned.
This is a sneaky a$$ bugger.
lots of great advice in here already (as always)...
blacking out is scary as all he11. The last year or so of my drinking, the blacking out was a regular thing as well.
I just had 6 months, yup. 6 solid awesome months of sobriety....then went to Cuba.
I had a couple glasses of wine and automatically knew it was a bad idea. The progressiveness of this disease was that strongly felt. Within the first 2 or 3 glasses, I could feel my brain turn to mush...I stopped. Immediately.
I used to be able to polish bottles off with no problems. After a 6mth hiatus, I felt those glasses almost like a train had hit me. I just thank god I was able to see it and know I did NOT want to go down that road again and stopped and enjoyed my vacation sober, as planned.
This is a sneaky a$$ bugger.
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