husbands alcoholic i am in crisis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
husbands alcoholic i am in crisis
Hello. I just want to tell you about my situation and see what others views are. I have been with my husband for 6years he has always been an alcoholic. When we first got together I didn't see it like this as he went to work etc.. what I now know to be the functional alcoholic. After having our youngest daughter I fell in to daily evening drinking with him it was only when I tried to stop I realised that I now had a problem. I quit drinking 7months ago every night sitting next to him whilst he continuess to drink I would stay awake suffering from insomnia for months before things settled down. Not one has he congratulated me for my achievements. Anyway before he was with me he was drinking spirits. Now he drinks super strength beer averaging at 9% and 4.5 units a can 6 a night so he's consuming 27units a day and spending about £70 a week which we can't afford. The children are now 5 and 7 and go to bed at 8pm and he couldnt possibly wait until then to begin drinking he has 2 or 3 cans before they go to bed and pours it into a coloured cup to disguise it (at my request) he spends the evening burping away as his body obviously doesnt want the gassy crap he's giving it. He is never drunk and his mood or behaviour never alters after alcohol. I have noticed in the evenings he is going to the toilet for a poo a lot this has persisted for over a month now (is this his body rejecting what he's doing) he carries on regardless he could be dying and he wouldnt say. On the odd occasion he hasnt had a drink about 6 nights in 6years he wont eat, will barely talk to me has a horrible attitude and insomnia but i did it and i dealt with it and i moved on, so i understand he doesnt want to. #i guess the point of this is what can i do. My kids wont be fooled by the beer in the coloured cup much longer and how long can this continue. I guess a lot of people sometimes have more to leave for partner abusive etc.. after a drink but this never happens. The only thing i do know is that he will not change. Do you think i should leave
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Congrats on 7 months that is awesome!!
No one can tell you whether you should leave. What I can tell you is the disease is progressive. He will continue to swirl the drain and eventually enter it. What his progress will look like no one knows either - he could become abusive, he could become sloppy, he could risk his job, he could do a lot of things.
The question is can you live like this? And, have you addressed his drinking and how it affects you? Generally speaking addressing it seldom results in action - more likely denial - but I am curious what his thoughts are on the subject.
No one can tell you whether you should leave. What I can tell you is the disease is progressive. He will continue to swirl the drain and eventually enter it. What his progress will look like no one knows either - he could become abusive, he could become sloppy, he could risk his job, he could do a lot of things.
The question is can you live like this? And, have you addressed his drinking and how it affects you? Generally speaking addressing it seldom results in action - more likely denial - but I am curious what his thoughts are on the subject.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome over to F&F Black!
You ask if you should leave at the end of your post. It is your decision. Which can be a scary thing. You might not know the answer. You might want to give him time. You might want to give yourself time.
Do you have your own job? Could you start working on a Plan X (exit plan)?
Since I have a bit of an issue with fear of abandonment, I have luckily worked thru my marriage to an A. It has been a relief at times to have my own income, checking account, and credit line. These are all wise things to work on when married to an A.
In regards to your sobriety, be patient with yourself. You are seeing things with more clarity. Nothing has to be decided today.
Just remember most of this forum on its entirety can assist you as a double winner.
You ask if you should leave at the end of your post. It is your decision. Which can be a scary thing. You might not know the answer. You might want to give him time. You might want to give yourself time.
Do you have your own job? Could you start working on a Plan X (exit plan)?
Since I have a bit of an issue with fear of abandonment, I have luckily worked thru my marriage to an A. It has been a relief at times to have my own income, checking account, and credit line. These are all wise things to work on when married to an A.
In regards to your sobriety, be patient with yourself. You are seeing things with more clarity. Nothing has to be decided today.
Just remember most of this forum on its entirety can assist you as a double winner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
thank you for your replies.. No i stay at home with the young children at the moment but family will support me if i needed. I agree no decisions need to be made now. I guess my main concerns are the children beginning to accept alcohol as a norm also as selfish as it may sound sometimes i think I am only 29 and I am wasting my young years with someone who spends all disposable income and more on alcohol and what the future has in store for us all i get the feeling it can't end well but then i still love and care for him
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
black....sadly, for many of us....love is not enough. Addiction doesn't play by the usual "rules" of relationships that we were taught growing up. It turns everything topsy turvey.
For you, I suggest that you start making yourself ready for the inevitable...should he not decide to opt. for recovery. Alcoholism is progressive....so, it will get worse if he doesn't go into recovery.
You will need to become financially and emotionally independent. You may have to raise your children alone....so you need to become employable with marketable skills and have your own friends and support system in place. You will need your own moneys and become good at financial planning. You may have to be the one stable and sober parent that will give your children a chance at healthy development.
Right now is the time that you will need to do some self evaluation and attend to any issues you may personally have (self-esteem, issues of abandonment, etc.).
Alanon is a good place to begin this and get your head clear, so to speak.....
I am so pleased to hear that you have already given thought to what effects this will have on your children! Good for you. Living in a home with active alcoholism always leaves its marks on the children. There are hundreds of testimonials o n this forum by adults who suffered, thusly, and can tell you what it was like.
The main thing I want to say to you is this: You can leave the relationship at any time you want to. No permission needed by anyone. No agreement needed by anyone. You only need to consult your OWN self---inside...deep down where nobody knows about but you.....
dandylion
For you, I suggest that you start making yourself ready for the inevitable...should he not decide to opt. for recovery. Alcoholism is progressive....so, it will get worse if he doesn't go into recovery.
You will need to become financially and emotionally independent. You may have to raise your children alone....so you need to become employable with marketable skills and have your own friends and support system in place. You will need your own moneys and become good at financial planning. You may have to be the one stable and sober parent that will give your children a chance at healthy development.
Right now is the time that you will need to do some self evaluation and attend to any issues you may personally have (self-esteem, issues of abandonment, etc.).
Alanon is a good place to begin this and get your head clear, so to speak.....
I am so pleased to hear that you have already given thought to what effects this will have on your children! Good for you. Living in a home with active alcoholism always leaves its marks on the children. There are hundreds of testimonials o n this forum by adults who suffered, thusly, and can tell you what it was like.
The main thing I want to say to you is this: You can leave the relationship at any time you want to. No permission needed by anyone. No agreement needed by anyone. You only need to consult your OWN self---inside...deep down where nobody knows about but you.....
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
black....I forgot to say one more thing...LOL! YES, YES, you are so right....29 is young!
You are in your very prime...with all the energy, health and all the good things that youth affords. You should be enjoying it.
Don't be one of those who come here...10 yrs. from now....telling the younger ones not to waste a decade of life, like you did!
End of my "Dutch Uncle" lecture.
dandylion
You are in your very prime...with all the energy, health and all the good things that youth affords. You should be enjoying it.
Don't be one of those who come here...10 yrs. from now....telling the younger ones not to waste a decade of life, like you did!
End of my "Dutch Uncle" lecture.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I guess my main concerns are the children beginning to accept alcohol as a norm also as selfish as it may sound sometimes i think I am only 29 and I am wasting my young years with someone who spends all disposable income and more on alcohol and what the future has in store for us
I first thought of leaving my ex when I was 30. I talked to my parents and my mom said "You're still young. You can still meet someone else and have a long happy family life." I waited another 16 years before leaving. And it didn't get better. AXH's career went swimmingly, he made tons of money, and there were still weeks the kids and I lived on chicken broth for breakfast, oatmeal for lunch, and rice and beans for dinner because he drank up the money.
In the beginning, his attitude was that it was "us against the world" -- that the universe was somehow against him, but that with me by his side, we would live happily. As his alcoholism progressed and got worse, more and more often, I was pushed to the enemy side in his mind. It could be little things, like him cursing about another driver cutting him off in traffic, and me not saying "yes, what a jerk" but just being quiet -- then I'd get an earful about how I wasn't supportive enough. The situation became worse and worse, until the kids begged me to leave. I started planning, but before I got to doing what I wanted to do before leaving, he threatened our lives in a drunken rage and I ran for my life with the kids.
That's my story. What I know is that all the things I did and said to make him stop drinking had absolutely no effect. You said your husband hasn't once congratulated you on quitting drinking. My guess is it's because your sobriety threatens his addiction. I never was much of a drinker, but the last few years I was married to an alcoholic, I didn't drink at all, and he was mad as a hatter. He'd accuse me of believing I was a saint and better than him, and telling me to "have a drink, dammit!"
One thing that helped me a lot was Al-Anon. I started going to meetings four years before I left. The meetings didn't teach me how to make him stop drinking -- because there's no such thing. But they did teach me to stop taking responsibility for what he did and start taking responsibility (as the one sober parent) for our children.
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