cant sleep, uncomfortable
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cant sleep, uncomfortable
He slept some of the dunk off but not enough, just enough to not be stumbling around. The hour drive to the boys ball game was silent except for my singing to the radio. I noticed his movements were slow, like to scratch his head his hand raised slowly to do it. I figured that was still the affects of the crown royal he drank -- his fav.
We get to the gym and park ourselves on the bleachers next to my best friend and neighbor whose son plays on the same team as my kids. The game starts and by the second quarter my AH is screaming at people in the bleachers across the court challenging them to a fight. By some miracle he didn't get thrown out and I was able to calm him down after the 3rd or 4th attempt. "yeah, I'm looking at you!" What an idiot. When the game was over I hurried to the car hoping no one from the opposing side is as stupid as my AH and wants to pick up where they left off. We drive home in silence.
I went to bed & tried to calm my mind and empty it but cant. My stomach is in knots. Here it is 2:48 a.m. and I can't sleep but he is sleeping just fine. I've decided in the morning after the boys go to school and before he's had a drink to tell him that if he chooses to drink during the day he is not to come home. He's not to go to the games with me as his chauffeur after he's been drinking and he certainly won't sit with me. Its freaking embarrassing. Then after the game he stood up and said he would go kick someones a**. Whatever. This is a freaking Christian school for pete's sake and he's saying crap like that out loud! I cannot stand to be around him in that state.
Sorry for the rambles. It sucks. I'm tired and can't sleep. My stomach is yuck and there isn't a place in the world other than here to really turn to and spill my ugly guts. I know he doesn't drink at me..I read that and get it but it still feels so personal after 22 years of marriage and 4 kids later.
We get to the gym and park ourselves on the bleachers next to my best friend and neighbor whose son plays on the same team as my kids. The game starts and by the second quarter my AH is screaming at people in the bleachers across the court challenging them to a fight. By some miracle he didn't get thrown out and I was able to calm him down after the 3rd or 4th attempt. "yeah, I'm looking at you!" What an idiot. When the game was over I hurried to the car hoping no one from the opposing side is as stupid as my AH and wants to pick up where they left off. We drive home in silence.
I went to bed & tried to calm my mind and empty it but cant. My stomach is in knots. Here it is 2:48 a.m. and I can't sleep but he is sleeping just fine. I've decided in the morning after the boys go to school and before he's had a drink to tell him that if he chooses to drink during the day he is not to come home. He's not to go to the games with me as his chauffeur after he's been drinking and he certainly won't sit with me. Its freaking embarrassing. Then after the game he stood up and said he would go kick someones a**. Whatever. This is a freaking Christian school for pete's sake and he's saying crap like that out loud! I cannot stand to be around him in that state.
Sorry for the rambles. It sucks. I'm tired and can't sleep. My stomach is yuck and there isn't a place in the world other than here to really turn to and spill my ugly guts. I know he doesn't drink at me..I read that and get it but it still feels so personal after 22 years of marriage and 4 kids later.
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thanks for reading and so sorry you have insomnia. Not sleeping drives me nuts -- I love me some good sleep but it's just not there for me right now. Im drinking a hot cup of magnesium.
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It just is my sleeping cycle Katchie. One thing I love about SR is the international members who keep this site hopping 24/7!
You are up bc you are stressed and frustrated. Did you and your H talk about how to handle a relapse as a couple? You are accepting unacceptable behavior. If you ask him to leave while he's actively drinking, then you can focus on your peace - or at least the game!
You are a very honest person and faithful. Your God is going to hold you up if you ask your H to step away while he deals with his relapse.
You are up bc you are stressed and frustrated. Did you and your H talk about how to handle a relapse as a couple? You are accepting unacceptable behavior. If you ask him to leave while he's actively drinking, then you can focus on your peace - or at least the game!
You are a very honest person and faithful. Your God is going to hold you up if you ask your H to step away while he deals with his relapse.
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I am thankful for your sleeping cycle. :-)
I told him on Valentines day that if he drank again it was over. That's as close to a plan as I had at the time. It was an extremely emotional moment. He asked me and I dumped it all out on him. Probably not the best, or maybe it was..I dunno, but all the brutal honesty was out in the open. I know God will always be the faithful one. I have that and that's a lot.
I told him on Valentines day that if he drank again it was over. That's as close to a plan as I had at the time. It was an extremely emotional moment. He asked me and I dumped it all out on him. Probably not the best, or maybe it was..I dunno, but all the brutal honesty was out in the open. I know God will always be the faithful one. I have that and that's a lot.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Hi Katchie,
I'm up also. Another insomniac here!!!! lol I'm hearing you, and I am really sorry that things didn't work out. I am here for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Hope the cup of magnesium helps.
I'm up also. Another insomniac here!!!! lol I'm hearing you, and I am really sorry that things didn't work out. I am here for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Hope the cup of magnesium helps.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I had insomnia the last two nights. It's what it is...
18 years of marriage and four children later, I've got a rich almost-ex husband and the children and I are barely squeaking by.
But I don't have to live with a jerk who is blasé about his drunken mysterious forays and scary angry while I lie alone in bed freaked out. That is one awful alone!!!
I am so glad to have myself back in an honest, if modest, place. The children, too, are living in a more real, grounded place.
You can choose another path, Katchie.
In the meantime, (((hugs))) from one who has been there!
18 years of marriage and four children later, I've got a rich almost-ex husband and the children and I are barely squeaking by.
But I don't have to live with a jerk who is blasé about his drunken mysterious forays and scary angry while I lie alone in bed freaked out. That is one awful alone!!!
I am so glad to have myself back in an honest, if modest, place. The children, too, are living in a more real, grounded place.
You can choose another path, Katchie.
In the meantime, (((hugs))) from one who has been there!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Well this is a tough spot Katchie.
You know the road your H is on. You can let him mosey down it on his own a bit. Give him the space to figure it out on his own. You don't have to sit next to him at a game and be all anxious awaiting a possible fight! You have the right to ask for enough space to have peace of mind. Your boys deserve it.
You know the road your H is on. You can let him mosey down it on his own a bit. Give him the space to figure it out on his own. You don't have to sit next to him at a game and be all anxious awaiting a possible fight! You have the right to ask for enough space to have peace of mind. Your boys deserve it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Katchie 
He slept some of the dunk off but not enough, just enough to not be stumbling around. The hour drive to the boys ball game was silent except for my singing to the radio. I noticed his movements were slow, like to scratch his head his hand raised slowly to do it. I figured that was still the affects of the crown royal he drank -- his fav.
We get to the gym and park ourselves on the bleachers next to my best friend and neighbor whose son plays on the same team as my kids. The game starts and by the second quarter my AH is screaming at people in the bleachers across the court challenging them to a fight. By some miracle he didn't get thrown out and I was able to calm him down after the 3rd or 4th attempt. "yeah, I'm looking at you!" What an idiot. When the game was over I hurried to the car hoping no one from the opposing side is as stupid as my AH and wants to pick up where they left off. We drive home in silence.
I went to bed & tried to calm my mind and empty it but cant. My stomach is in knots. Here it is 2:48 a.m. and I can't sleep but he is sleeping just fine. I've decided in the morning after the boys go to school and before he's had a drink to tell him that if he chooses to drink during the day he is not to come home. He's not to go to the games with me as his chauffeur after he's been drinking and he certainly won't sit with me. Its freaking embarrassing. Then after the game he stood up and said he would go kick someones a**. Whatever. This is a freaking Christian school for pete's sake and he's saying crap like that out loud! I cannot stand to be around him in that state.
Sorry for the rambles. It sucks. I'm tired and can't sleep. My stomach is yuck and there isn't a place in the world other than here to really turn to and spill my ugly guts. I know he doesn't drink at me..I read that and get it but it still feels so personal after 22 years of marriage and 4 kids later.
We get to the gym and park ourselves on the bleachers next to my best friend and neighbor whose son plays on the same team as my kids. The game starts and by the second quarter my AH is screaming at people in the bleachers across the court challenging them to a fight. By some miracle he didn't get thrown out and I was able to calm him down after the 3rd or 4th attempt. "yeah, I'm looking at you!" What an idiot. When the game was over I hurried to the car hoping no one from the opposing side is as stupid as my AH and wants to pick up where they left off. We drive home in silence.
I went to bed & tried to calm my mind and empty it but cant. My stomach is in knots. Here it is 2:48 a.m. and I can't sleep but he is sleeping just fine. I've decided in the morning after the boys go to school and before he's had a drink to tell him that if he chooses to drink during the day he is not to come home. He's not to go to the games with me as his chauffeur after he's been drinking and he certainly won't sit with me. Its freaking embarrassing. Then after the game he stood up and said he would go kick someones a**. Whatever. This is a freaking Christian school for pete's sake and he's saying crap like that out loud! I cannot stand to be around him in that state.
Sorry for the rambles. It sucks. I'm tired and can't sleep. My stomach is yuck and there isn't a place in the world other than here to really turn to and spill my ugly guts. I know he doesn't drink at me..I read that and get it but it still feels so personal after 22 years of marriage and 4 kids later.
How much longer until you are done with your school program?
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This is not a threat or ultimatum as much as its self preservation. He may be a complete horses butt and if so I will remove myself. I'm feeling the physical affects and I just don't know if my body can take years more of this.
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Katchie....(I am the one who said that he isn't drinking AT you....so not to take it at a personal level (because it has nothing to do with you)). HOWEVER, I didn't say that it doesn't hurt--because it does.
It means that your Origional Plan is shot. One has to grieve the loss of the origional plan...just as one grieves all the losses in life.
Back to the basics: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't FIX it.
First step---acceptance. Acceptance of that reality (the hardest step of all).
Sometimes....often times...the only thing left to do is to get out of their way.
In trying to hang on...we frequently are, unknowingly, softening their consequences.
It is when they come face to face with the stark reality of their disease that there is a chance for them to reach for authentic recovery.
Helpful hint--if you make a boundary you have to be willing and able to enforce it---otherwise your words ring hollow. Actions...not words...are what alcoholics seem to pay attention to.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
Trying to control what you can't will bring incredible physical as well as psychological stress. Katchie, I worry that you may be setting yourself up for ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks...etc...
Don't let it come to that....
dandylion
It means that your Origional Plan is shot. One has to grieve the loss of the origional plan...just as one grieves all the losses in life.
Back to the basics: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't FIX it.
First step---acceptance. Acceptance of that reality (the hardest step of all).
Sometimes....often times...the only thing left to do is to get out of their way.
In trying to hang on...we frequently are, unknowingly, softening their consequences.
It is when they come face to face with the stark reality of their disease that there is a chance for them to reach for authentic recovery.
Helpful hint--if you make a boundary you have to be willing and able to enforce it---otherwise your words ring hollow. Actions...not words...are what alcoholics seem to pay attention to.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
Trying to control what you can't will bring incredible physical as well as psychological stress. Katchie, I worry that you may be setting yourself up for ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks...etc...
Don't let it come to that....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by dandylion
Helpful hint--if you make a boundary you have to be willing and able to enforce it---otherwise your words ring hollow. Actions...not words...are what alcoholics seem to pay attention to.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
Boundary = we act
Ultimatum = they act
Since we cannot "make" them act a certain way, ultimatums don't work (long term) to modify their behavior. Ultimately, you (we) have to be the ones to enforce whatever boundary you choose. That means we have to be the ones to act on it. If their behavior (fill in the blank) doesn't work for us, then we have to be the ones to act in a new way that works for us.
Are you and your kids willing to leave the house if he comes home drunk? Do you have a safe place to go? This might work once or twice, but is really inconvenient to you and your boys. Would ah be agreeable to live some place else if he drinks? (Maybe a studio apartment somewhere).
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry Katchie, what a horrid way to behave in front of your kids & other families.
It sounds like you & AH are on very different pages as far as recovery goes. In reading your recent threads it also sounds like he was doing more white-knuckling through (just staying sober) without actually working on his recovery & the underlying issues.
Now with this relapse things have started to progress more quickly with bad behaviors/change in tolerance/etc. The same.... but different too.
It's astonishing to me how the disease seems to continue to progress even without the constant presence of alcohol... at least, that's how it seemed when RAH relapsed last fall. One night drinking less than his "normal" during his active days but his tolerance, behavior, state of mind - all of it 10x more intense than before. He was SO aggressive, a lot like the way you describe your AH's behavior at the game. I think it surprised him as well only because he brought it up more than once (once he sobered up again, that is) - I think somewhere in the back of his mind he thought it would take a while for all of it to catch up to that level again. But it doesn't work that way.
He's choosing to stay sick Katchie, but you don't have to. You don't have to let his choices impact your recovery (& I know it is if you are experiencing physical symptoms).
It sounds like you all walk on a lot of eggshells at your house, tip toeing around this issue regardless of the fact that everyone knows the reality of what is happening. I think (not that you asked
) that ripping the top off the secret-jar would make a huge difference for ALL of you to get on the same page about how you are dealing with this as a family & not just one-on-one. JMHO but it seems like AH is taking advantage of this dynamic - this compartmentalization of relationships within the FOO.
((((HUGS)))) I Hope you are feeling better today!
It sounds like you & AH are on very different pages as far as recovery goes. In reading your recent threads it also sounds like he was doing more white-knuckling through (just staying sober) without actually working on his recovery & the underlying issues.
Now with this relapse things have started to progress more quickly with bad behaviors/change in tolerance/etc. The same.... but different too.
It's astonishing to me how the disease seems to continue to progress even without the constant presence of alcohol... at least, that's how it seemed when RAH relapsed last fall. One night drinking less than his "normal" during his active days but his tolerance, behavior, state of mind - all of it 10x more intense than before. He was SO aggressive, a lot like the way you describe your AH's behavior at the game. I think it surprised him as well only because he brought it up more than once (once he sobered up again, that is) - I think somewhere in the back of his mind he thought it would take a while for all of it to catch up to that level again. But it doesn't work that way.
He's choosing to stay sick Katchie, but you don't have to. You don't have to let his choices impact your recovery (& I know it is if you are experiencing physical symptoms).
It sounds like you all walk on a lot of eggshells at your house, tip toeing around this issue regardless of the fact that everyone knows the reality of what is happening. I think (not that you asked
) that ripping the top off the secret-jar would make a huge difference for ALL of you to get on the same page about how you are dealing with this as a family & not just one-on-one. JMHO but it seems like AH is taking advantage of this dynamic - this compartmentalization of relationships within the FOO. ((((HUGS)))) I Hope you are feeling better today!
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Katchie, I will never ever forget all of those nights lying awake while my X slept peacefully in a drunken bliss.
One thing I want you to think of is how your children must feel to see their father act in this manner? I don't say this to make you feel bad, but sometimes we move our line in the sand so many times that we cannot see it anymore. Children see it a lot more clearly than we do.
Katchie, you deserve so much more than this, so do your children.
Tight hugs my friend. I hope you get some much needed R&R very soon.
One thing I want you to think of is how your children must feel to see their father act in this manner? I don't say this to make you feel bad, but sometimes we move our line in the sand so many times that we cannot see it anymore. Children see it a lot more clearly than we do.
Katchie, you deserve so much more than this, so do your children.
Tight hugs my friend. I hope you get some much needed R&R very soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by dandylion
Katchie....(I am the one who said that he isn't drinking AT you....so not to take it at a personal level (because it has nothing to do with you)). HOWEVER, I didn't say that it doesn't hurt--because it does.
It means that your Origional Plan is shot. One has to grieve the loss of the origional plan...just as one grieves all the losses in life.
Back to the basics: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't FIX it.
First step---acceptance. Acceptance of that reality (the hardest step of all).
Sometimes....often times...the only thing left to do is to get out of their way.
In trying to hang on...we frequently are, unknowingly, softening their consequences.
It is when they come face to face with the stark reality of their disease that there is a chance for them to reach for authentic recovery.
Helpful hint--if you make a boundary you have to be willing and able to enforce it---otherwise your words ring hollow. Actions...not words...are what alcoholics seem to pay attention to.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
Trying to control what you can't will bring incredible physical as well as psychological stress. Katchie, I worry that you may be setting yourself up for ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks...etc...
Don't let it come to that....
dandylion
It means that your Origional Plan is shot. One has to grieve the loss of the origional plan...just as one grieves all the losses in life.
Back to the basics: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and, you can't FIX it.
First step---acceptance. Acceptance of that reality (the hardest step of all).
Sometimes....often times...the only thing left to do is to get out of their way.
In trying to hang on...we frequently are, unknowingly, softening their consequences.
It is when they come face to face with the stark reality of their disease that there is a chance for them to reach for authentic recovery.
Helpful hint--if you make a boundary you have to be willing and able to enforce it---otherwise your words ring hollow. Actions...not words...are what alcoholics seem to pay attention to.
You told him that it was over if he returned to drinking....now, he is very obviously drinking. He knows that you know.
Trying to control what you can't will bring incredible physical as well as psychological stress. Katchie, I worry that you may be setting yourself up for ptsd, depression, anxiety attacks...etc...
Don't let it come to that....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by MissFixit
This is what I was getting at. The boundary (for us) has to be something that you (we) can enforce without their participation.
Boundary = we act
Ultimatum = they act
Since we cannot "make" them act a certain way, ultimatums don't work (long term) to modify their behavior. Ultimately, you (we) have to be the ones to enforce whatever boundary you choose. That means we have to be the ones to act on it. If their behavior (fill in the blank) doesn't work for us, then we have to be the ones to act in a new way that works for us.
Are you and your kids willing to leave the house if he comes home drunk? Do you have a safe place to go? This might work once or twice, but is really inconvenient to you and your boys. Would ah be agreeable to live some place else if he drinks? (Maybe a studio apartment somewhere).
Boundary = we act
Ultimatum = they act
Since we cannot "make" them act a certain way, ultimatums don't work (long term) to modify their behavior. Ultimately, you (we) have to be the ones to enforce whatever boundary you choose. That means we have to be the ones to act on it. If their behavior (fill in the blank) doesn't work for us, then we have to be the ones to act in a new way that works for us.
Are you and your kids willing to leave the house if he comes home drunk? Do you have a safe place to go? This might work once or twice, but is really inconvenient to you and your boys. Would ah be agreeable to live some place else if he drinks? (Maybe a studio apartment somewhere).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Katchie, I will never ever forget all of those nights lying awake while my X slept peacefully in a drunken bliss.
One thing I want you to think of is how your children must feel to see their father act in this manner? I don't say this to make you feel bad, but sometimes we move our line in the sand so many times that we cannot see it anymore. Children see it a lot more clearly than we do.
Katchie, you deserve so much more than this, so do your children.
Tight hugs my friend. I hope you get some much needed R&R very soon.
One thing I want you to think of is how your children must feel to see their father act in this manner? I don't say this to make you feel bad, but sometimes we move our line in the sand so many times that we cannot see it anymore. Children see it a lot more clearly than we do.
Katchie, you deserve so much more than this, so do your children.
Tight hugs my friend. I hope you get some much needed R&R very soon.
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