When you accept who they really are.

Old 12-02-2014, 07:53 PM
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When you accept who they really are.

Again, I got massively upset bc I let the addicts manipulation work on me. Somehow I'm dumb enough to believe that change is possible. Maybe it is for a few .... But honestly, the drama and lies that are created due to his addiction ruined any hope I have for my family coming out of this as a whole. I can't trust him, rely on him, enjoy anything with him. He's a liar and makes any excuse he can to leave for his previous sweet drugs. I come to a point where I just want him to choose them 100 percent and stop leading me on. I want to have this end. But, addiction can't just hurt the people who choose the drugs... It has to hurt the innocent. I chose sobriety 5 plus years ago and clung to it bc I loved my kids. Because my babies needed me happy, healthy and productive. Because I had a sense of responsibility to give them a childhood. I should have never married him. I shouldn't have done many things but hindsight is 20/20 and now the consequences are here. I hate drugs. I hate that they steal families. I cannot see a future with who this husband is. He's showing me who he really is. A selfish liar that will do anything for himself. He knows what drugs do, and he CHOOSES them. I hate drugs, and right now I hate him.
I'm pretty sure the love I have for him is the potential I see. Not for what really is. I stay for the 6 months things are wonderful....
Now that my eyes are open I walk through the pain. But I need strength for what is to come. I need strength and clarity to make the smartest strategic choices for my own good.
#1 is figuring out how to get my license plates of his truck.
#2 giving my kids the happiest time of year despite their father choosing drugs over them.
He knows how to get help. He chooses not to.
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Old 12-02-2014, 08:20 PM
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KIR, it sounds like you have come to a place of real clarity and determination! Have you ever heard that Paul Simon song "50 ways to leave your lover?" You should give it a listen. It's all about how breaking up is often not as hard as it seems, once you've set your mind to it. "Just drop off the key...and set yourself free." Get yourself a screwdriver and take those plates, change the locks, and think about something delicious you can cook on Christmas. A new life awaits!
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Old 12-02-2014, 10:01 PM
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I'm sorry for your pain. I keep trying to remember that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. I hate drugs and addiction with a vengeance. All the damage it does. Just as the addict can choose to recovery, so can we choose to get off the rollercoaster. I'm with you, struggling too. Sending you strength.
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Old 12-03-2014, 08:30 AM
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When you accept who they really are.
I remember the morning I was at work and my then AGF texted me it was over, sent a picture of her and her new guy, and confessed to f*cking other men while she was with me. Three years clear of it, I think it's pretty funny. And the reason why I think it's funny is without being aware of it, she was showing me what she really was.

Of course, on the day, it wasn't funny. But the good thing about that day was I readily accepted that this was what she is. For once, she wasn't trying to hide anything. It was a rare moment of honesty on her part, and one that I'm grateful for. From that day on, I've been done with her.

When people show you what they are, you need to pay attention to it. And when you pay attention to it, you can make a decision based on what's best for you. Provided, of course, you're honest with yourself about what you're seeing...
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Old 12-03-2014, 08:35 AM
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It's really hard to see what drugs does to a person. I think you are wise to see this is who he is now, it's not too likely he is going to change. However, that does not mean you cannot change. Don't look back, just the present, the here and now.

This is who he is, and this is the situation. What is within your control to change? You don't have to answer, it is just something to think of for yourself. Baby steps.

XXX
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Old 12-03-2014, 08:36 AM
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It's really hard to see what drugs does to a person. I think you are wise to see this is who he is now, it's not too likely he is going to change. However, that does not mean you cannot change. Don't look back, just the present, the here and now.

This is who he is, and this is the situation. What is within your control to change? You don't have to answer, it is just something to think of for yourself. Baby steps.

XXX
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Old 12-03-2014, 11:16 AM
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I come to a point where I just want him to choose them 100 percent and stop leading me on. I want to have this end.
Aww, sweetie, I am sorry this hurts so much.

You know when it ends? It ends when you say "enough, no more" not when he does it again...and again...and again.

I like what jjj suggested, grab the plates yourself, plan a beautiful Christmas for your kids, and set yourself free...mentally, if not physically.

Hugs
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Old 12-03-2014, 12:08 PM
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I made arrangements to finalize his move out of the house. He had managed to tempt me with hope previously. It worked because I tend to be hopeful about things.

I have tried to make other arrangements for the kids on Saturdays when I have to work.. and his father can't have the kids over there because for the next 6-8 weeks he will be getting chemo. My husband will stay with them.

I know he will try to convince me to let him continue to live with me... but I really don't want him there. I'm past disgust, mistrust, and pity. Whatever is past all of those things... I believe it to be surrender. Like, it is what it is. I don't need to feel those emotions on a daily basis nor do I have any desire to over the holidays.

I'm claiming my home as a peaceful happy place.

So, long story short... he would have to come over to my house to watch the kids on saturdays and i'm not comfortable with him being there. I don't like the idea that he's a thief when he's using and i'm sure he can find something to get money for. So, he will have to see the kids supervised with me on Sunday... or whatever.

Who throws away all the good in their life to focus on the bad... all the time? Addicts. Sad.
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Old 12-04-2014, 01:28 PM
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The hardest thing about ALL of this is having the courage to see the truth.
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:39 PM
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That is SO right, DUCK. I always pray for that...the courage to see the truth that I need to see...because when that truth comes up...in small and doable ways...I can change more as needed...I remind myself now that over the years...I have seen (or become aware)--even before the words were in my mind...through my intuition and gut...that I didn't want to participate in family of origin gossip and took steps (didn't like the consequences...but kept to it)--worked to wake up from the fogginess that I started to become aware of when oldest daughter (tyg...now functional and living her life) started using drugs 19 years ago and my intuition told me that things were NOT right with her--worked on dealing with the pain of 'waking up' to my ACOA situation as was working to support my 2nd daughter (tyg--functional...although she has remained angry and continues to project all the blame on me for the interventions--so have done more work since June to emotionally detach to the point where she can't get to me directly--she, similar to other loved ones...is a glass half empty person and a blamer...and when I dealt with ACOA issues...I began to realize and wake up to the fact that I was not invincible and that that kind of personality and treatment (regardless of whether they are aware of it or not) really destroys my spirit...so am holding the boundary with her and letting her make her own decisions...which are hurtful...like calling me to kick out her brother who she took willingly 2 years ago...but now saying..you need to take on being a mom again (she was manipulative before the drugs...it took me waking up to a friend manipulating me to understand that about her) and me setting the boundary...he did come here...but through talking to me...and not through her manipulating and speaking so disrespectfully (I actually believe that she is emotionally abusive to me but the family is very enmeshed and just do what she says and talk behind her back (but not if I join in...so I don't...just get up and leave...because then they put all that on me)--and making it uncomfortable for her older sister (who she also invited) to move...fortunately that boundary had been set by me in June...I told her that she could not move from LA back in with me (it has never worked out before and I was so weak I offered...but I have no room...this is the first private space that I have had in 4 years...that I could call my own...no matter how fragile it all is...and since...she has gotten her own apartment and I have asked her not to disclose things about her sister that are unpleasant...no matter how true...as I have had my own issues...she refused to let me stay at the 'shared' apartment husband and I left her when we went to Chile...we were both on lease (we were trying to get her to be more responsible...but she turned it into a black and white...since we didn't pay rent...we lost all rights to it...) and she won out...and I finally just let go of it...and gave her the security deposit too...this was over a year ago...because I just wasn't going to win for losing and since that was my whole life with my mother...I have let it go...and now I am just 'letting' her do what she chooses...I know that she keeps me in the dark...and as I said...have chosen (again--this is something I started working on in therapy 23 years ago--not over-sharing with my kids...one about the other...but to focus on each on...and for the most part...have held to that...although have had some weak points...over share with oldest when mother/sister cut me off...she was 18--I was still dealing with her addiction...but now when she brings it up and says she and oldest son are worried...I just have said...I am sorry that I did that...wasn't aware...and have done a lot of therapeutic work to not do it...so can't change the past...but will get back to the present. I also shut things off when my hubby and adult children start to engage in gossip about people in the community that I am not particularly interested in--have always been very plugged into nonverbal communications...so in many instances knew the rumor and chose not to share it...something came up on Thanksgiving about one of my youngest son's friends parents...and I just said...I don't believe everything I hear and it is usually best not to keep things like this (that has been circulating for a long time) alive...rumors about one of his best friends mothers (from 4th grade--and I really liked both his parents...still do...although haven't seen them in years) having an affair with a pro baseball player who lived her...broke the marriage up...but it is now 10-11 years later...so I just focused on eating my meal...

Well...am writing a book here..
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Old 12-05-2014, 01:50 AM
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Write a library if you need to.
In my humble opinion, you have been abused ENOUGH.

Enough as in who cares what context, what culture, or
what gossip/ rumors were or were not shared.

You deserve happiness. All else is but dust and air.
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Old 12-05-2014, 05:08 AM
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If you don't trust him in your house because he steals, don't let him in your house. My own son stole from me almost every time I let him in, he was fast and stealthy and I often didn't notice what was missing until he was gone. He once stole a small TV that my husband took with him when he traveled for work, and got it out in his backpack...on the ploy that he just needed to pick up some laundry he had left downstairs.

Trust your instinct 100%.

You are strong and able to take care of yourself and your child. Remember that and you will find solutions that don't include "trusting" him.

Again, I am sorry you are going through all this and send hugs.
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Old 12-12-2014, 02:43 PM
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Addicts are master manipulators and thieves. I can't believe the things my XABF stole from me. Sadly, my XABF exploits the smallest showing of kindness until there is nothing left, and then he bails. At first it was hurtful, then it was disappointing, at this point, NOTHING surprises me. I know that there is no limit to how vile his behavior can be. I truly hope you don't experience too much negativity, but I've learned to never say never. Protect yourself and your children. Those are the things that you can control.
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Old 12-12-2014, 04:43 PM
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KIR, I totally get "slitting the addict into good and bad. I used to call AH Mr. Hyde when he was using. I thought he transformed into a monster like a wherewolf during his relapses.

It's still hard for me to accept that he is both all of the time. I know that I love his potential, so I think that maybe you're right that you could be in love with your AHs potential too.

Is there anyway you can contact the DMV to cancel the plates on the truck since they aren't on a vehicle you want to be registered to? Maybe you won't get them back... but it would at least make them invalid.
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Old 12-13-2014, 06:48 AM
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As of right now he's partly paid on the insurance and the plates. So, as of now, i'm not doing anything. I'm still dealing with all the emotions of him not living with me full time. We talk all the time and he gave me some BS about when "i'm ready"(to let him move back in). I threw it back in his court and said... it's not about me being ready... I have been ready to be a healthy family.. it's about you. He disappoints me constantly... and lies straight to my face. When he's ready to stop being an un-trustable human being. When that will happen, i'm not sure.
It also helps me that he has the vehicle because I still need him to watch the kids on Saturdays. Well, need is a strong word. It makes my life a lot easier and he comes to the house and I don't have to pay out a babysitter.
He has been trying to convince me to let him come home and that "this time he really changed". Whatever. He has been weening himself off the subs and does help and show up. However, I know he's not really changing. He's managing his usage and his addiction and his lies and all of his mental games. As soon as I let him back in... he will feel some sort of victory. As stupid as that sounds. As of now, his goals is to really change and stop doing drugs without using or going away to a program. Also, that he will prove it to me with his actions. He knows how to talk the talk.. yet, he doesn't walk the walk. I don't see him coming home to live with me and the kids for a long, long, long time... if ever.
It's not going to be a one or two month "i'll show you how good I am".. and then the minute I let him come home he will start to disappoint me and show me that he's using again. It's just so sad that he's not willing to do anything to help himself.
If he really wanted to come home and really fix things then he would go to a long-term program (that's free) and work a counseling program out with me and show me that he can be accountable and trustable.
As of now we are good friends and are working things out even with him not living there. He "understands" why he can't be there and is trying to prove to me that he is changing. So, life goes on. I'm trying to have a Merry Christmas but this time of year gets very emotional for me. I have had a lot of loss around the holidays but I don't let it ruin it for me. I just watch a bunch of drama lifetime movies and get the tears out.
Thank you all!
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:48 AM
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I know it's hard and Christmas is tough enough without this. But you know that if you let 'one more' day or 'one more' holiday go by, it will bring you down. We are hopeful people. They prey on that.

My EH is a alcoholic ... one Christmas he was on a bender. It was always up to me to put on a holiday for everyone. He could see that i was tearing up a lot and trying to be happy but i knew in my heart that it was over.

So he took me outside, gave me a big hug, tender moments and promised that we would be together forever. He wasn't going to leave me, etc. I went back in with a happier heart and everyone had a great Christmas.

He told me the next day that he no longer wanted to be married. I fell apart but managed to ask him why he told me the day before that it would be okay ... his answer -

"i wanted everyone to have a good time and they weren't going to with you acting the way you were".

I hated myself for clinging to hope during that Christmas. My self esteem was shot and i despised him now. But i walked thru it and though he had changed his mind, i was finished.

So do what you will not cost you in self esteem. It will bring you strength and you will be proud. We all understand the situation and babysitting but if you want, you can do anything. If he disappeared, what would you do to find a sitter for Saturdays ?
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:45 AM
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It's crazy to me to think that anyone, codie, addict, or alcoholic, can live in recovery without some kind of program. Does it have to be inpatient NA/AA? No... but it needs to be something but all of that is besides the point because it's his side of the street.

It isn't stupid to say that he will feel victory over coming home because it's true. If he can have both a family and drugs he will choose both. Every. stinkin. time. It lets him say "Im not bad..."
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Old 12-16-2014, 10:15 AM
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KiR...

Here's a question. How did you go from accepting him for what he really is to allowing him home?
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