Am I just being used (again?)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Am I just being used (again?)
Is my AS just working me? he does have anxiety problems and says he wants to stop using...but does very little to help himself nor is he willing to face the consequences of his actions.
I made the mistake of giving in a little too much over the holidays...money.. just so he'd stay away with his friend and give me peace. Of course, there is no peace with him. Then I let him stay 1 night in my car since it was raining outside.
he wants to go to detox, but cant wait more than an hour to see if a bed is available. Wants to apply for housing, but it's too confusing and goes nowhere. When a ride is offered to take him to see about detox, a bed, rehab, other services, it depends on if he has something better to do. Doesn't want to lay the footwork and then whines and cries that there's nothing available.....how he's breaking down...etc.
He's unwilling to accept help in a place he feels is 'beneath him', yet does very little to find an alternative. continues using, which I understand for a heroin addict, is somewhat a necessity, which compounds problem more.
Today, I stupidly gave him money, falling for his dope sick needs....but said he couldn't stay in my car and had to stay in safe sleep at the mission.
Tonight he's literally crying on the phone to me about how he can't get it together. (Always waits until weekend or nightfall.) I believe his fears and anxiety, but don't feel I'm doing any good if I keep helping him. Tell him he has to try harder on his own and stick to a plan, if he's serious.
He is lost, but is he also being manipulative because I give an inch and he wants more?
He is 27 and he is breaking down....but yet isn't willing to take what help is available or see if he can get back in the rehab at the mission where I work.
Help.....it's hard to be tough, yet I see I am doing more damage than help. He chose to leave, chooses to do heroin cause he can't take it in the streets. Seems to be like a cat spinning his tail. There is a mental health component, yet he won't talk to his counselor downtown. Hates Skid Row, but that's where a lot of services are. Won't go to the hospital, now that he got to spend the night in my car.....and so on.
Please, even if I seem dense, after all I've posted and been through, share your thoughts and honest feedback.
Thank you!
I made the mistake of giving in a little too much over the holidays...money.. just so he'd stay away with his friend and give me peace. Of course, there is no peace with him. Then I let him stay 1 night in my car since it was raining outside.
he wants to go to detox, but cant wait more than an hour to see if a bed is available. Wants to apply for housing, but it's too confusing and goes nowhere. When a ride is offered to take him to see about detox, a bed, rehab, other services, it depends on if he has something better to do. Doesn't want to lay the footwork and then whines and cries that there's nothing available.....how he's breaking down...etc.
He's unwilling to accept help in a place he feels is 'beneath him', yet does very little to find an alternative. continues using, which I understand for a heroin addict, is somewhat a necessity, which compounds problem more.
Today, I stupidly gave him money, falling for his dope sick needs....but said he couldn't stay in my car and had to stay in safe sleep at the mission.
Tonight he's literally crying on the phone to me about how he can't get it together. (Always waits until weekend or nightfall.) I believe his fears and anxiety, but don't feel I'm doing any good if I keep helping him. Tell him he has to try harder on his own and stick to a plan, if he's serious.
He is lost, but is he also being manipulative because I give an inch and he wants more?
He is 27 and he is breaking down....but yet isn't willing to take what help is available or see if he can get back in the rehab at the mission where I work.
Help.....it's hard to be tough, yet I see I am doing more damage than help. He chose to leave, chooses to do heroin cause he can't take it in the streets. Seems to be like a cat spinning his tail. There is a mental health component, yet he won't talk to his counselor downtown. Hates Skid Row, but that's where a lot of services are. Won't go to the hospital, now that he got to spend the night in my car.....and so on.
Please, even if I seem dense, after all I've posted and been through, share your thoughts and honest feedback.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Hi vaya. I do remember your last post but I only skimmed the rest - do you have any type of support through this? Naranon or Alanon? Counseling?
Isn't it funny how addicts will live on the streets yet certain detox or rehab facilities are not good enough for them? They suddenly have standards!
My qualifier isn't my child so I'm afraid I don't have much advice. I hope you have support because this is taking such a till on you, I know. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to get help. And right now you're making it pretty easy for him to use by giving him money and letting him sleep in your car and perhaps paying for his phone? I have no idea what I would do if my son or daughter was an addict so I never judge any parent's approach. This has to be the worst thing for a parent. I do attend Naranon, however, and I do believe that we all get to a point where we need to step back from our addict, stop enabling, and start looking for our serenity.
Isn't it funny how addicts will live on the streets yet certain detox or rehab facilities are not good enough for them? They suddenly have standards!
My qualifier isn't my child so I'm afraid I don't have much advice. I hope you have support because this is taking such a till on you, I know. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to get help. And right now you're making it pretty easy for him to use by giving him money and letting him sleep in your car and perhaps paying for his phone? I have no idea what I would do if my son or daughter was an addict so I never judge any parent's approach. This has to be the worst thing for a parent. I do attend Naranon, however, and I do believe that we all get to a point where we need to step back from our addict, stop enabling, and start looking for our serenity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you. I really appreciate the last line of your response..step back from our addict, stop enabling, and start looking for our serenity.
You are so right. Yes, BTW, I go to FA (Families Anonymous) regularly and sometimes AlAnon. It is a wonderful support and I have grown to the point I have, largely due to their support and our meetings and readings.
You are so right. Yes, BTW, I go to FA (Families Anonymous) regularly and sometimes AlAnon. It is a wonderful support and I have grown to the point I have, largely due to their support and our meetings and readings.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I say this all with love and kindness, but also with honesty that comes from much painful experience:
Yes, Vaya, you are being used, again.
And until you decide you have had enough, he will continue to do all that he is doing. He won't melt in the rain. He won't get hurt on what he calls "skid row" -- the very services he needs are there in that exact area for a reason!! It's where the service providers can best help the addicts like him. He can only be "above" every other user because he has a soft landing with you.
When he starts whining again, you just need to tell him that he needs to help himself. You are ready for him to go to rehab but that won't get him there. The excuses he is using are almost word-for-word what my RAD used just six months ago. When she was finally ready, after 5 months of homelessness (and rain!), she went to those places gratefully and on her own.
Living with an active heroin addict is unhealthy for you, Vaya, in so many ways. You really, really need to get him out of your house AND your car.
He is 27. Even if he wasn't an addict, he needs to make his own way in the world now. If that seems like an easier way to get him out, use it! And you do not have to take his calls or listen to his whining.
(If he does go to treatment, stays sober, works a program, etc., then you might someday consider letting him come home.)
And just stop with the money. Stop. No more. Nada. You can show him you love him and you care in other ways by just saying, "I love you and I really want you to get better. If you die, I will miss you terribly." Yes, it is very hard to do--I know from a lot of personal experience--but I had to do it for my own sanity. My daughter had to find her own way, and luckily, she did, and for however long her sobriety lasts, I am forever grateful.
What's your lowest point, your bottom, your limit?
Take care, and keep us posted. Big hugs to you.
Yes, Vaya, you are being used, again.
And until you decide you have had enough, he will continue to do all that he is doing. He won't melt in the rain. He won't get hurt on what he calls "skid row" -- the very services he needs are there in that exact area for a reason!! It's where the service providers can best help the addicts like him. He can only be "above" every other user because he has a soft landing with you.
When he starts whining again, you just need to tell him that he needs to help himself. You are ready for him to go to rehab but that won't get him there. The excuses he is using are almost word-for-word what my RAD used just six months ago. When she was finally ready, after 5 months of homelessness (and rain!), she went to those places gratefully and on her own.
Living with an active heroin addict is unhealthy for you, Vaya, in so many ways. You really, really need to get him out of your house AND your car.
He is 27. Even if he wasn't an addict, he needs to make his own way in the world now. If that seems like an easier way to get him out, use it! And you do not have to take his calls or listen to his whining.
(If he does go to treatment, stays sober, works a program, etc., then you might someday consider letting him come home.)
And just stop with the money. Stop. No more. Nada. You can show him you love him and you care in other ways by just saying, "I love you and I really want you to get better. If you die, I will miss you terribly." Yes, it is very hard to do--I know from a lot of personal experience--but I had to do it for my own sanity. My daughter had to find her own way, and luckily, she did, and for however long her sobriety lasts, I am forever grateful.
What's your lowest point, your bottom, your limit?
Take care, and keep us posted. Big hugs to you.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
vaya it is soooo hard, i know. personally an iron clad boundary for me is i give no money to my as, period.
i've also learned to 'say what i mean and mean what i say and don't say it mean'. then i don't say anything more. not an abrasive silence, just not engaging in addiction talk. detaching i guess.
they do know there's help to recover when they allow themselves to think. but that's not what they really want when active. they believe they must continue in active addiction and yes they become very manipulative with us, the parents, who have always been their biggest cheerleaders.
i can't be there for him on this one anymore unless it is about recovery. i wish i could leave the arena completely but since i'm unable to do that i have taken a seat in the lobby and take care of me 90% of the time now.
my life is good. i meet my responsibilities, have great friends, a wonderful job, a strong spiritual life, fairly healthy..... it has taken a lot of work but i now look at my life and what is good in my life. and that is where my focus and energy has to be.
i have very painful moments too. i understand more than i would like just how dark and painful an addict's life is. but, IT. IS. NOT. MY. LIFE. so i refuse to live as if the darkness is mine and is something i can change. it is his life and he is the one who has to embrace change.
i live in the light. he's welcome to join me anytime. i pray he will and ask my God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
sending you hugs and good thoughts. do something kind for yourself today!
i've also learned to 'say what i mean and mean what i say and don't say it mean'. then i don't say anything more. not an abrasive silence, just not engaging in addiction talk. detaching i guess.
they do know there's help to recover when they allow themselves to think. but that's not what they really want when active. they believe they must continue in active addiction and yes they become very manipulative with us, the parents, who have always been their biggest cheerleaders.
i can't be there for him on this one anymore unless it is about recovery. i wish i could leave the arena completely but since i'm unable to do that i have taken a seat in the lobby and take care of me 90% of the time now.
my life is good. i meet my responsibilities, have great friends, a wonderful job, a strong spiritual life, fairly healthy..... it has taken a lot of work but i now look at my life and what is good in my life. and that is where my focus and energy has to be.
i have very painful moments too. i understand more than i would like just how dark and painful an addict's life is. but, IT. IS. NOT. MY. LIFE. so i refuse to live as if the darkness is mine and is something i can change. it is his life and he is the one who has to embrace change.
i live in the light. he's welcome to join me anytime. i pray he will and ask my God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
sending you hugs and good thoughts. do something kind for yourself today!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Hello Vaya, your posts do speak to your self awareness that you are enabling him. Your just having a hard time committing to not doing so. What is holding you back from following through on what you already know? You have already rationalized that your continuing to provide for him is not helping him so take that thought even further "You are not going to "love him" into carrying on in his addiction.
Decide what your rock bottom is. What ultimately is the one thing your AS could do that would force you to stop giving him money and providing some type of shelter? I hope that answer for you is his causing you to feel as you are now. At this point honestly, I think for your own sanity for a while, you should strongly consider no contact. This is causing you a terrible amount of anxiety and inner trauma. Every time you talk to him it is triggering a multitude of conflicting feelings that are bringing you down with him. I can almost hear your voice in your posts struggling with this.
At this point, I'm not sure FA is enough for you anymore. Don't stop going but please consider supplementing it with one on one therapy and additional Ala-non or Narc-Anon meetings. You need the consistency and the frequency to build you up enough to feel confident in your ability to follow through and get your awareness in line with your decision to act on what you know you need to do.
Decide what your rock bottom is. What ultimately is the one thing your AS could do that would force you to stop giving him money and providing some type of shelter? I hope that answer for you is his causing you to feel as you are now. At this point honestly, I think for your own sanity for a while, you should strongly consider no contact. This is causing you a terrible amount of anxiety and inner trauma. Every time you talk to him it is triggering a multitude of conflicting feelings that are bringing you down with him. I can almost hear your voice in your posts struggling with this.
At this point, I'm not sure FA is enough for you anymore. Don't stop going but please consider supplementing it with one on one therapy and additional Ala-non or Narc-Anon meetings. You need the consistency and the frequency to build you up enough to feel confident in your ability to follow through and get your awareness in line with your decision to act on what you know you need to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by waitingforhope 
What is holding you back from following through on what you already know?
vaya, here's another one to ask yourself: why do I want to keep enabling?
to you vaya.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Vaya, I believe he is manipulating you, yes. You are giving him a choice to do so. Perhaps until he has no choice, he will choose to take refuge, keep using, manipulate you into letting him continue doing what he is doing.( I know you are trying hard)
Of course he is down, breaking down. Perhaps he really does want to get out of that way of life, but he manipulates you into giving him a reprieve from having only one choice-the choice to get help, or to do this on his own.
My son is much the same way... professes not to be able to manage the 'red tape' of getting help on his own. It's all too confusing, too frustrating, it never works for him, blah blah blah. Excuses... and he knows that as his mom, my heart is soft, and it is the hardest thing in the world for me to see him hurting or in the street. And he is always 'busy' when there are things he could do. I am being used, too, Vaya, and it will make me sick. My son has a mental disorder , and it does figure in, but others with the same sort of thing manage to grow up, and become independent. My son is selfish- first and foremost.
Until their life is miserable enough, they will continue doing what they prefer..nothing but what serves their selfish natures. regardless of whether it is killing us inside. I know they have a sickness, but addicts/alcoholics do get help sometimes and do recover.
my son is 42... your son has time to change, and have a life. my son is wasting his... what he has is good enough, until the booze runs out, then he starts badgering me, making me feel I must do something to help. but he really just wants to be buzzed.
I am going to al-anon now. But I need to make changes, or nothing will change.
I deserve a life, you deserve a life, as happy as we want it to be. They are hanging on to their moms, and being very selfish, imho. They can do better, but being drunk/stoned is easier, and a way to escape responsibility.
Of course he is down, breaking down. Perhaps he really does want to get out of that way of life, but he manipulates you into giving him a reprieve from having only one choice-the choice to get help, or to do this on his own.
My son is much the same way... professes not to be able to manage the 'red tape' of getting help on his own. It's all too confusing, too frustrating, it never works for him, blah blah blah. Excuses... and he knows that as his mom, my heart is soft, and it is the hardest thing in the world for me to see him hurting or in the street. And he is always 'busy' when there are things he could do. I am being used, too, Vaya, and it will make me sick. My son has a mental disorder , and it does figure in, but others with the same sort of thing manage to grow up, and become independent. My son is selfish- first and foremost.
Until their life is miserable enough, they will continue doing what they prefer..nothing but what serves their selfish natures. regardless of whether it is killing us inside. I know they have a sickness, but addicts/alcoholics do get help sometimes and do recover.
my son is 42... your son has time to change, and have a life. my son is wasting his... what he has is good enough, until the booze runs out, then he starts badgering me, making me feel I must do something to help. but he really just wants to be buzzed.
I am going to al-anon now. But I need to make changes, or nothing will change.
I deserve a life, you deserve a life, as happy as we want it to be. They are hanging on to their moms, and being very selfish, imho. They can do better, but being drunk/stoned is easier, and a way to escape responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Vaya...I am so glad that you are posting here...and as someone said above...you are becoming more and more aware...I went through my final tries with my out of contact AD last year...it was a dramatic story...they all seem to be...we tried 5 times...she promised 5 times...it was almost impossible for the family to do what was done...as my husband and I moved to his home country and it was pure miracles that got us back her, then looking for and finding her in the Big City of San Francisco...then promises...and getting her into clinics...and then the court process...lots of promises...ugly detox...two friends who were 'in love' with her and offered all kinds of help...but when push came to shove...during the court process and she was given 6 months to get on court ordered treatment...0--oh...except for all blame directed towards mom (I actually got sick from the venomous things that were said...my precious child...the one who I always got along with)--that is when I realized that I was so sick...I had really compromised a lot of my life...and I reached out for help...again...and I am working on what I need to do for me...it is really hard. The addict going MIA didn't make the problems that are mine go away...I have no idea what to do...but I am working my program (started 19 years ago with first addict daughter) and realizing that there is always more to learn because no set of issues or problems is the same for anyone...but gratitude for every gosh darn thing I can figure out and posting here...and my weekly naranon meeting...and prayer and meditation and some new meds...looking back at the past 8-10 weeks...I can see that I am making progress. It doesn't feel great and in fact...some days it is downright excruciatingly painful...but I am working on me...and praying her over into God's hands...and asking, yes...asking for her to become willing to do her own work...and trying not to take it back. I just have to trust longer term veterans of anon meetings--I have mostly done private therapy...but love my new meeting...when they say...keep on coming...it works when you work it...because I have no ability to figure it out or do anything other than what I am doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you all for your candor. I am stronger and can take it now, because, intellectually I do know better. For me, it is easier to have little or no contact because I fall prey to his whining and I'm not yet strong enough. Kind of like being a recovering alcoholic walking into a bar....I held to my ground about him not staying in my car last night and he found another solution by staying at a friends. I chose to focus instead on my younger son who left for Florida this morning for a very special trip and didn't want to bring him down with his brother's problems. AS said he's kicking at a friends. I applauded his efforts and offered to bring him his meds and change of clothes, which I'll drop off. I'm glad he decided to try to do something on his own. When he's ready to go to rehab or sober living, I'll give him a ride.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Vaya...
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's a tough thing, watching a child self destruct before your eyes.
I don't have much to add. GardenMama and others have shared a lot with you, and I know you'll absorb it.
The longer I'm here, the more appreciate the concept of choices and the consequences of those choices. And what your son is doing is choosing to continue on the path he's on. It's a hell of a lot easier to do that than it is to choose to pursue recovery. Giving up drugs, getting treatment, going to meetings, going to therapy...all of that's a lot of work. At this moment, your son doesn't want to do any of that.
You have choices, too. You can continue to enable him, which by definition is insanity, or you can allow whatever is supposed to happen to him happen. Which is still a difficult choice...but life is full of difficult choices, ones we don't want to make but have to in order for us to be sane.
Take care of yourself.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's a tough thing, watching a child self destruct before your eyes.
I don't have much to add. GardenMama and others have shared a lot with you, and I know you'll absorb it.
The longer I'm here, the more appreciate the concept of choices and the consequences of those choices. And what your son is doing is choosing to continue on the path he's on. It's a hell of a lot easier to do that than it is to choose to pursue recovery. Giving up drugs, getting treatment, going to meetings, going to therapy...all of that's a lot of work. At this moment, your son doesn't want to do any of that.
You have choices, too. You can continue to enable him, which by definition is insanity, or you can allow whatever is supposed to happen to him happen. Which is still a difficult choice...but life is full of difficult choices, ones we don't want to make but have to in order for us to be sane.
Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
AS is trying to get clean and recognizes the error of his ways, but he is not willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to get that way.He is conflicted and wants to change, but perhaps not yet ready to fully surrender. to whoever mentioned it, he is not living with me. I have managed to maintain that boundary. I attend my FA group weekly. I like many of the ideas that are presented in Al Anon, but I am uncomfortable with the timer to share. I always feel rushed. What is fundamental is that the message is the same and about taking care of ourselves and not being controlled by our addict's insanity. It's just hard when it is your son.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Vaya, this mama knows your pain and I hope you can find a meeting that may be more helpful to you. Not all meetings use the timer, although I can see how it might be helpful in making sure everyone has time to share.
I had to let go of my son too, rather than let go I handed him over to God's care. That helps me to know that God can do for him what I cannot.
Hugs
I had to let go of my son too, rather than let go I handed him over to God's care. That helps me to know that God can do for him what I cannot.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Ann
Vaya, this mama knows your pain and I hope you can find a meeting that may be more helpful to you. Not all meetings use the timer, although I can see how it might be helpful in making sure everyone has time to share.
I had to let go of my son too, rather than let go I handed him over to God's care. That helps me to know that God can do for him what I cannot.
Hugs
I had to let go of my son too, rather than let go I handed him over to God's care. That helps me to know that God can do for him what I cannot.
Hugs
I guess what I do believe is what is here on earth like resources and mostly people. I just think that when I let him go (which I see coming soon), I'll just have to trust that he'll stumble onto something or someone that wakes him up and he will rise to the challenge. I guess whether you believe something somewhere is somehow orchestrating things or not the same result happens. They either do something positive or they continue on doing what they are doing.
I surely do hate it all though. Bad day here.
I'm glad we have each other out there to listen when we are feeling down. But screw him, I have a hair appointment in an hour and I am going to turn off my phone so I can't hear any potentially bad news and go get beautiful, lol.
Kari
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Nip it in the bud now. We are dealing with a half century old family member basically acting the same way always trying to manipulate to drum up sympathy then money. People that try to help him cannot do anything right. He will not take a simple optional suggestion. He's coming off PEDs performance enhancing drugs and a lot of alcohol although he is still drinking at a lower level. Pretty sure he was or is using other stuff as well. He's also has lifestyle withdrawal which he wants others to pay for with no way to pay anyone back. Even friends are making comments which is good because sometimes peers get more credence than family
Do not enable with money no matter their plea. Some food and shelter only maybe. Yes they must learn to help themselves by seeking help or just dealing with their circumstances ie no money miserable etc.
It's walking on eggs talking to the addict here but sometimes you just have to tell them the truth. Dealing with a walking bomb and don't say as much as I should sometimes but slip in stuff anytime I can. It's tough to come right and say what needs to be said. Worry about your safety first then say what needs to be said.
PEACE
Do not enable with money no matter their plea. Some food and shelter only maybe. Yes they must learn to help themselves by seeking help or just dealing with their circumstances ie no money miserable etc.
It's walking on eggs talking to the addict here but sometimes you just have to tell them the truth. Dealing with a walking bomb and don't say as much as I should sometimes but slip in stuff anytime I can. It's tough to come right and say what needs to be said. Worry about your safety first then say what needs to be said.
PEACE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Last night AS spent night in safe sleep (temporary overnight sleeping with homeless in mission). Yesterday he met with ppl re; referrals and told to stay there then come back next morning, which he did. There was a remote possibility of going back into the program he left, but nothing certain. he spent the day while staff worked on referrals for him. They found a couple, they had mentioned before...Salvation Army, but he has to test clean. ( Ann, that's how they do it here and they don't send them to detox), so that's not realistic. The other is a Christian based program and he is Jewish. (also referred before) Any others have wait lists. So he didn't want either of the 2 they suggested, which had been suggested before.
He is still using today, but is out of money and still has no place to go. He is on the wait list for 2 places.
I'm told to not cushion his bottom. There are no real options at this point, other than the hospital, which is no guarantee either, since they usually kick out heroin addicts in a day or so.
So, here I am trying to remain tough and detach but also trying to give him credit for trying to find a place to get help. Options are truly very limited here. Almost everything has a wait list, even Salvation ARmy and other free programs. I know he chose this by his choices, but wants to get help. It is very hard to detox from H with no place to go or have a bathroom near. Even the 2 available detox programs have a long wait list. .....
I'm willing to be harder on him so he will go somewhere for help, but the reality is not really much available, unless I could afford to pay, which is a strain and a risk.
I'm trying to take care of me first and I realize he needs to take care of him. He did go into the mission program for 2 months, but left over not giving up the phone.
It would be easier to completely let go if I believed there were options. Otherwise, am I to just completely let go while he wanders around seeking relief through dope/ broke/dope sick until a bed becomes available and then he can't get it, if he's not clean?
I know it's not my problem, but I'm torn because he is trying.....is it really not hard enough? Everyone here talks about how there's always the Salvation Army, etc, but there's an intake process and drug test to get in, and there has to be a bed, which isn't always the case. In Los Angeles it is really hard to get clean, because of the wait lists, which on the average is anywhere from 1-3 or more months. We are flooded here, especially since the AB109 law went into effect, releasing non-violent felons from prison and putting them in rehab, for which they have free funding. Most of the other spots are for alternative sentencing, Vets, HIV, with limited spots under social service funding.
Just saying.....although not my problem technically, if my AS is trying to stop and wants to go to rehab....he'll have to wait while he lives in the streets. So even if he kicks dope and doesnt' go to rehab.....then what?
Yes he's an addict and is manipulative. He would prefer the safety of the back seat of my car over the street, and I'm trying not to cave it. I'm just mortified by how hard it really is here when someone does want to stop.
He is still using today, but is out of money and still has no place to go. He is on the wait list for 2 places.
I'm told to not cushion his bottom. There are no real options at this point, other than the hospital, which is no guarantee either, since they usually kick out heroin addicts in a day or so.
So, here I am trying to remain tough and detach but also trying to give him credit for trying to find a place to get help. Options are truly very limited here. Almost everything has a wait list, even Salvation ARmy and other free programs. I know he chose this by his choices, but wants to get help. It is very hard to detox from H with no place to go or have a bathroom near. Even the 2 available detox programs have a long wait list. .....
I'm willing to be harder on him so he will go somewhere for help, but the reality is not really much available, unless I could afford to pay, which is a strain and a risk.
I'm trying to take care of me first and I realize he needs to take care of him. He did go into the mission program for 2 months, but left over not giving up the phone.
It would be easier to completely let go if I believed there were options. Otherwise, am I to just completely let go while he wanders around seeking relief through dope/ broke/dope sick until a bed becomes available and then he can't get it, if he's not clean?
I know it's not my problem, but I'm torn because he is trying.....is it really not hard enough? Everyone here talks about how there's always the Salvation Army, etc, but there's an intake process and drug test to get in, and there has to be a bed, which isn't always the case. In Los Angeles it is really hard to get clean, because of the wait lists, which on the average is anywhere from 1-3 or more months. We are flooded here, especially since the AB109 law went into effect, releasing non-violent felons from prison and putting them in rehab, for which they have free funding. Most of the other spots are for alternative sentencing, Vets, HIV, with limited spots under social service funding.
Just saying.....although not my problem technically, if my AS is trying to stop and wants to go to rehab....he'll have to wait while he lives in the streets. So even if he kicks dope and doesnt' go to rehab.....then what?
Yes he's an addict and is manipulative. He would prefer the safety of the back seat of my car over the street, and I'm trying not to cave it. I'm just mortified by how hard it really is here when someone does want to stop.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
I'm so sorry, vaya. Is there any chance of getting him into a detox facility? Maybe they can get him far enough along to where he would test clean for one of the rehabs or the Salvation Army?
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Vaya, I am sorry . It really stinks being a parent of an addict.
I was wondering if he could get back into the Mission program, or does he refuse in order to keep his phone?
Does he pay for his phone? If he couldn't or you couldn't, and he did not have a phone, would he still be in the mission program? You mentioned he stayed for two months, and perhaps that would be something he would try again.
Lots of people do not have phones, and manage to survive. One can always find a phone to borrow, in emergencies.
It amazes me how hard my son would for something he wants, but cannot manage to try as hard to really fix his world.
I was wondering if he could get back into the Mission program, or does he refuse in order to keep his phone?
Does he pay for his phone? If he couldn't or you couldn't, and he did not have a phone, would he still be in the mission program? You mentioned he stayed for two months, and perhaps that would be something he would try again.
Lots of people do not have phones, and manage to survive. One can always find a phone to borrow, in emergencies.
It amazes me how hard my son would for something he wants, but cannot manage to try as hard to really fix his world.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Over and over in your posts his safety comes up as an issue for you. There's a trend showing. The worrying about it. Your son has managed to survive this long with or without your assistance in finding "safe" places. Vaya, I don't want to sound callous so please just take this as it is.....continue to let him find his own "safe" places. Cut off everything unless he is doing absolutely everything in his power to get into a program including driving to take him things he needs. Only help him get into a program. If you can, look outside your state. Give him the ride there and that's it. The rest of the time spend taking care of yourself. Even in the meantime while waiting for a program, he could at least be attending meetings but he's not, correct? I'm praying for your peace here Honey. Take care of yourself
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