Soberintexas007

Well, my husband has not drank for 10 days, and things have been so much better. What these 10 days do show me is how much of our problems are actually the result of his drinking.

He is not committing to any treatment, however, no AA, counselor, therapy, or whatever. So although I am feeling better, there is a lot of underlying anxiety concerning when he may pick up again.

In the meantime, I now have a home group for Al-Anon and my own AA recovery.

It's just sad that my husband will not commit to a treatment, but I cannot force him to.

It just sucks that I have to live now in constant worry of him relapsing.

FeelingGreat

Hi JB, I'm so glad things are still peaceful and I hope it lasts. Does your husband know you are doing Alanon?
Are you using the time to re-calibrate your relationship with your AH, i.e. not feeling you have to creep around him and keep him happy?

Soberintexas007

I have decided to not tell my husband about Al-Anon, and instead he thinks I am going to an AA meeting. It's just like how I am often on these boards, and I don't feel a need to tell him exactly what I am posting, but instead just tell him that these boards help my sobriety.

Yes, I am using this time to recalibrate the relationship, as I am not having to walk on eggshells at the time because his behavior is sane and predictable.

Cleo1234

I was in constant fear as well with my xabf ... even when he finally got a job, i was fearful that he would get fired... or when he was driving his car without current tags, i was fearful he would get puller and go to jail. My fear never ended!!

I think you really need to find a way to focus on yourself, or you'll just make yourself crazy! Being in a relationship with a A takes away so much of our inner peace

Soberintexas007

I haven't gone crazy yet, but I do notice that I am sleeping more often because of the anxiety about this situation. I think I am getting somewhat better at focusing more on myself now that he has more sober time.

FeelingGreat

If your don't tell him because you don't feel like it, well and good. If your reason is fear of his reaction, use that as an insight into your state of mind.

happybeingme

Smoking weed doesnt make him sober. It merely means he is abstinent from alcohol. I think things are calm and peaceful because he is stoned not because the booze are gone. Have you ever been stoned? As a teen I loved it. Made me all relaxed, lazy, didnt caree about anything and fat.

Anger and violence have nothing to do with alcoholism. All the alcohol does is lower a persons inhibitions. So, if the propensity is already there the alcohol just makes it more likely he will act on those feelings. It doesnt mean he wont ever act on those feelings. It may just take longer for him to get there.

Be safe. Take care of yourself.

CodeJob

I stole this phrase from here in my early days. It really helped me reconfigure what I spend my mental energy on.

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want.

SeriousKarma

Wow.

I "prayed" so much I could have been a nun.

JB, For me the trick was to discipline myself to focus on myself. It wasn't easy. In fact in many ways I'm still a work in progress. But for years so much of my life was spent with monitoring my STBXAH's well being. I lost myself. Instead of acting I reacted.

At a certain point I realized that it was vital to my own health that I use his sober time to my advantage, by working on my own recovery. I think on a certain level that's what your doing. Good for you. My one piece of advise is to try and be as dedicated to this as possible. You must assign a value to your own recovery and aim toward that.

Realistically speaking, if he's not working a program, there's probably a limit to how long he can hold out. I'm not meaning to sound pessimistic, just realistic. But that's ok. Use this time. I found it a lot easier to focus on myself in between my husband's binges. It's hard to think about anything but the storm when the storm is raging. Most of my "me" work was done during his off cycles. So, my advice to you is to use his sober days. Be them one or one thousand, they can be money in the bank for you if you use them wisely.

Soberintexas007

Well, if he is stoned, then I guess this does not bother me at the moment, as we had a nice weekend together while he was stoned 24/7. He is a functional stoner and has a job and works 5 days each week. So maybe for him, the pot really is medicine for him. This is why I encourage him to smoke the weed 24/7, because I enjoy him in this state and I don't mind it.

I actually think the alcohol makes people into what they really aren't. My husband would say things about my family that were bizarre and I truly believe he did not mean, which is also what he said. Alcohol is a drug that changes chemicals in the brain; consequently, it changes people temporarily. I also believe this because as a recovering alcoholic myself, I became someone I truly was not when drunk. It really did a magic trick on me.

Soberintexas007

You are right about this. I only have so many more hours left in my internship, and was struggling for awhile there because of the storm. It was just too hard to focus on me and my career. Now that he is sober from alcohol and the storm has passed, I am so much better and happier. Even my supervisor noticed that my mood was better. I now think I can focus on getting these remaining hours done for my career. In the meantime, I will build more time in my own sobriety and attend my Al-Anon meetings.

happybeingme

I am a recovering alcoholic myself. 3.5 years. While alcohol affects brain chemistry so does weed. Perhaps more..

Like I said before alcohol lowers inhibitions who you were and how you acted were always there. The drinking just brought them out. Ask an AA old timer.

Soberintexas007

Maybe if someone does not drink, that "evil" deep down inside of them will never come out and all will be well.

lillamy

I guess the question is -- do you want to bet your life on that statement being true?

Soberintexas007

I just think that we all have suppressed anger that we learn how to manage. For example, I have some bitter thoughts about certain aunts, uncle, in laws, etc., but I don't tell them these things because it would not help anything. Now, if I started drinking, some of this stuff may come out and damage relationships. The point that I am trying to make is that things CAN be nice if someone does not drink, as the drinking can bring all of this stuff out. But if someone does not drink, they may be able to manage these thoughts like they otherwise would do so that life can be fine and okay.

In other words, I don't go to my boss and call him a ------!!! But if I was drinking, I may do this. As long as I don't drink, I am able to live a socially acceptable life with fewer problems.

My husband when not drinking appears to be fine, and if he has deep anger underneath him about things, he seems to be doing well at managing that anger. But if he drinks, he will lose the ability to manage this anger in a socially acceptable way and can ruin relationships.

Carl Jung believed that we all have a deep dark shadow in all of us that is not good, but that we find socially acceptable ways to cope with this shadow. In alcoholics, the monster comes out. I believe that sober people are just as "monsterlike" as alcoholics, it's just that sober people do not have the disease of alcoholism which beings out the monster in bad ways.

dandylion

Justbreathe...the "theories" on this can be argued all day....and never reach a complete concensus.

So, you do know what he is like when he does drink.

It seems, to me, that the real challenge, here, is for you to have a plan and be confident in acting on it...if....or when he should drink again.

It is important for you to keep up your AA and alanon because that is what is going to lift you up and bring you to a place of inner peace.
This is what you really have control over in your life.

dandylion

SeriousKarma

Bingo!

Keep your eye on the prize. These theories are very interesting when discussed from a safe distance, and we all probably agree more than disagree on many points. But I think we can all agree on what Dandylion is saying here. Keep that plan up and running. That's what's going to serve you regardless of what life dishes out.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I agree with that. At the time, there is no problem that is stressing me out. But I do need to have a plan in case he drinks again and to keep up with my meetings.

Fandy

your stating that you ENCOURAGE him to "smoke weed 24/7" is unbelievable.

what is wrong with being a normal sober person...who functions like the rest of us who are NOT "stoned 24/7", yes we get up in the morning and just cope with life, problems, have coffee and do our jobs SOBER.

this is such a convoluted, twisted way of thinking....How can you think this is normal. Is this how you wish to spend your life?

I am not trying to chastise you, but really, if this was your kid, or your friend living like this, what would you think?

Needabreak

"I encourage him to smoke weed 24/7, because I enjoy him in this state..."

I caught this too -- this is the very definition of co-dependent enabling.