Frixion

I look down at my body, my breast are bare and out in the open. I am not in my own bed that I share with my boyfriend whom I live with, and whom I love deeply. I am in my guy friends bed. I blink. Suddenly I am outside and Im stumbling, with this terrible feeling. This feeling like I have already lost the love of my life. The man who is planning on proposing this Christmas, who has supported me emotionally while I cut off everyone from my old life that were incredibly dangerous, he is supporting me financially while I go to school for a fulfilling career (will be a 8 year process to get my degree) so we can have a happy life together, and with out worrying about money I have been able to dedicate some of the free time to get one of the best internships in my field. I am capable of being my best me with him, and we are madly in-love.

I couldn't remember a thing of what happened that night before waking up in that bed to suddenly being outside. While outside I knew I couldn't live without my boyfriend, I couldn't live with this guilt of hurting him. It's 4am and I am stumbling, and am walking towards the bridge. It's a long walk, but I am ready to end this life of mine. I have decided to jump. I am frightened I will change my mind due to walking for a couple of hours through the snowy weather (still without my shirt and bra & only a thin hoodie) - I am scared to sober up. To my "luck" I see a drug dealer with his car parked waiting for someone. I go to his window and ask him for a ride to the bridge.

I consider myself to be a good looking woman, and I guess this is why he said yes so I get in the car. I admit I was scared, but in my mind I decided if I was killed that would be better than suicide because then my family and friends would not know how much of a weak coward I am. He starts driving in the opposite direction of what he agreed - he claims we have to see his friend first. We meet up with this "friend" and I say I want out of the vehicle. He says no, and my mind races - guilt is still overflowing and part of me wants to get hurt - my own kind of punishment to be treated how I obviously deserve. I stay in the car. In order to keep me in this 2 seated vehicle he makes his friend hop into the trunk. I'm lost - what is happening. Who are these guys and where are we going. I deserve anything that happens. He drives downtown - The scariest area I know - his friend is dropped off. It is riddled with very desperate homeless individuals, drugs are an obvious circulation.

The guy who is driving but now parked grabs me a blanket, and he tells me he is going to lock the car in a way in which I am unable to get out. He says it's for my own protection in this area. After hours of being in the passenger side driving to different locations I don't know how but nothing scary really did happen, but he handed me a little coin purse as a gift and he drove me home - not to a bridge. I had sobered up. I believe that he knew what I was going to do to my self, and he kept me with him until I was sober. He was kind of my own little miracle at that moment because I would have jumped.

I wake up the next morning reading a text from my friend who's bed I was in telling me not to destroy my future over this and that "nothing happened". I called him and told him he needs to be honest with me & asked him if ANYTHING had happened btwn us while I blacked out. He said nothing happened. I am still skeptical because my shirt was off and in my bag when I left along with my bra. This guy has had chlamydia, so I am scared to trust that we have not fooled around. He sends me more text talking about how much I was talking about marriage to my boyfriend - and he is excited for our soon engagement. Maybe nothing happened, or maybe he is doing me a bazaar kindness by not filling in that part of the blackout.

Blacking out multiple times a week has to end before my life is ruined. Any advise from any of you on how I should quit drinking? Can I find a way to just cut back? Should I tell my boyfriend anything/ everything? I'm scared to lose him, but I also hate this guilt. HELPP!!!

FreeOwl

sounds like you are a fantastic candidate for AA.

maybe you could start there.

I'm sorry for your despair and guilt and shame.... I can relate. I've been in similar shoes.

you don't have to solve it all at once, but one thing seems clear to me; to save your own life you have to stop drinking.

There is a way out.

Coldfusion

Welcome!

Any recovery takes work. SoberRecovery is a great resource, but you need to put some effort into it. Read around and post often!

JT0626

OMG!!!! First of all, welcome to SR. Please get yourself checked out for STDs as well.

To stop drinking, you just stop. I have been alcohol free for 34 days. Did I crave? Yes. Did my mind tell me to drink? Yes. But I chose no alcohol. I accepted that alcohol will NEVER be an option for me because I don't know when to stop. Once I accepted that alcohol will never pass my lips again, I was relieved.

And this "guy friend" of yours....I don't think he is much of a friend after all. I mean, he let you go outside in the cold with barely any clothes on?!?! Man, with friends like that who needs enemies?

You can do this. You deserve a fulfilling life that alcohol will never provide for you. Please keep coming back & sharing. This site has been a tremendous help for me. The support here is paramount. Stay, share, & live the best life you can sans alcohol.

(((hugs)))

Verte

Take a few moments to consider starting a love affair with yourself. Fall madly in-love with the most important person you will ever know. Choose not to live your life as if you have a death wish for yourself. Make decisions in-line with loving you, first and foremost. Be as compassionate and gentle with yourself as you would for others and proceed forth.

Welcome to the forum. There is so much great advice and support here.

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here Frixion!

It all starts with acceptance and willingness. For me, I had to accept that fact I could not drink normally. I had to get to the point of my willingness to be sober came above all else. This took a long time......

There is a way out - Good news, you never have to feel like that again! You'll find a ton of information on SR. Ultimately, it's your choice of recovery methods......there are many. But the journey starts with acceptance and willingness.


You'll have to decide when to discuss your problem with BF. I know for me, when I told my wife I was going to AA - I said " I am afraid everyone will know I am a drunk"

She chortled and replied, honey they already know. When we admit we are alcoholics, it becomes unanimous.

Keep posting, don't drink and begin the healing of body, mind and soul......
peace to you

Anna

I'm glad you posted and are seeking support.

Blackouts are so very scary and you are obviously putting yourself into great danger every time you do that. Please get checked out by your dr.

And, no, alcoholics can't just cut back on drinking. We have to remove alcohol from the equation. If you decide to stop drinking, we have lots of support to offer.

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

Hi Frixion first off i would see a doctor get checked out and then focus on recovery nothing else

let this be a big wake up call to get sober youl find a ton of support here you can lean on us 24/7

its nice to meet you

SW

JanieJ

Welcome Frixion.

All I can say is ,thank God you chose the right guy to get into a car with. God was looking after you, I think.

I've been in situations like that too, a long time ago now, but I remember the shame and sadness very well.

Glad you found us, stay close, you can do this and change your life today x

Frixion

Wow I am amazed how many responses I got, and how quickly. Thank you all for I needed help, and knowing there are people who understand puts a light at the end of my tunnel, instead of entire darkness. I think it is time to quick drinking for good, and I hope that I will succeed. I just have no idea how I will cope with my emotions now - I use alcohol to sleep, to take the edge off, to rest my mind, and mostly just reduce the terrible anxiety I have.

-Frixion

HenryKrinkle

Welcome to SR Frixion. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.

I suffer from anxiety too and for years I used alcohol to cover it up. Long term, that doesn't work. It just gets worse. I quit drinking 1 year ago yesterday. That was step one. Over the past year I've been dealing with my anxiety by working with my doctor to find an anxiety medication that works for me and working with a therapist to understand my feelings. I'm not 100% yet. Some days are better than others, but long term, I know I'm on the right track.

OklaBH

WELCOME!!! Please go to the doctor. Print out your post and give it to him if you want. I think a womens recovery group would be great for you. AA has a lot of them. Im worried for you, I hope you will take our advice.

Frixion

Wow congrats on 1 year and a day! I hope that on Dec 03 2015 I can celebrate a year of sobriety!!

Duffster

Hi Frixion!

I am so glad you found SR. And I'm also glad that you're ok. I have put myself in similar situations too many times to remember. I drank to get drunk and I blacked out almost every single time I drank - I really can't believe I'm still alive. I tell you this to tell you that you're not alone and that you can give up drinking. I have just over a year and it does get easier.

I also suffered from anxiety but the anxiety was never worse than when I was drinking. I've since found other ways of coping with anxiety that don't result in blackouts, hangovers and then more crippling anxiety -- a very vicious cycle.

(((hugs)))

Aellyce

Hi Frixion.

I relate in a few ways... although for me I was never in such a blackout that I would not remember anything later and be puzzled about some signs. I always remembered enough.

For me experiences like this actually happened mostly in my (earlier) teens when I did not drink frequently at all. But when I did, it did not usually do good to me and I put myself in quite a few scary and dangerous situations. I really suggest that you quit drinking completely rather than cutting back, because these things won't get better. After those years in my teens, I rarely drank throughout my 20's, but true alcoholism caught up with me in my 30's.

I would tell your bf if you suspect there may be health consequences of whatever happened. It's only responsible for his well-being. And yes please get a dr checkup. You are not alone, these things are indeed scary.

newhope01

Hello Frixion,

As one woman to another, I think you demonstrated incredible courage to discuss your experiences here with us on SR.

I know that it is an anonymous website, but when a similar situation happened to me, I told absolutely no one. I felt too ashamed that I should have not drank that much, that I deserved what happened to me.

Don't be me. Go to the doctor's immediately and tell them what happened. They should be able to perform a few tests that will indicate if you have had sexual intercourse and if there are any STD's.

It may be extremely difficult to do this, but its better to know the truth than to wonder for the rest of your life what really happened to you. Or worse, pass an STD on to your fiance.

Please take care of yourself and welcome to SR.

JimdiGriz

Hi frixion, thanks for Sharing your story. I'm sure there are many, inc myself who have had comparable situations, especially the emotional consequences. I'd be wary of putting alcohol on a pedestal and relying on it to quell the above. To be honest its probably causing most of it, or at least contributing heavily.

Diysherman

Frixion! I so glad you didn't take that plunge!! Every day we wake up is another day to make a change. Its starts with putting down that drink. You sound like you have dreams and know what you wanna do with your career . give ur self a chance

Hollyanne

Welcome Frixion.
No worries, You are alive.
Go get checked out.
The guy-friend actually sounds alright.
Lucky or blessed, don't mess with it.
Stop now.
You can have a wonderful life without alcohol and anxiety is definitely not helped with alcohol in the long run.
You will be OK.
Been there, done that, threw away the T-shirt.

blueyes618

Hi Frixion,

I can completely relate to your story. I have been in a similar situation and at the time I was living with my boyfriend whom I thought I loved more than anything. We had been together for six years at the point where I blacked out and ended up cheating on him. Months, and maybe even a year before this happened I was drinking heavily, having a blackout atleast once a month not even rembering anything I did the night before. My boyfriend at the time was not a drinker at all, and he rarely acknowledged the fact that I drank so much unless it directly affected him. He was generally always there when I drank, but the time that I cheated I was out with friends and ended up staying at my parents house that night. Waking up next to the man who was not my boyfriend was the most low, devastating feeling I have ever felt in my life. Like your boyfriend, mine was supportive both emotionally and financially and was always responsible for me.
It ate away at me for months. I got tested for STDs and luckily had none. I also saw a counselor who helped me through the process of healing... In the end I realized that he was a large reason why I was drinking, he was an enabler and a manipulator. Although I know he loved me and cared on some level it wasn't right that I stay with him. I cheated on him for a reason and alcohol was only a crutch to help me. In no way am I saying this is just like your situation, but there may be other reasons you cheated. I was in search for affection and sex which was lacking majorly in my relationship I just was in denial.

You have to soul search. You have to love yourself like the other members have said. You have to be comfortable with who you are and accept it. Everyone has their skeletons, some more than others, but mistakes happen. I suggest you talk to someone before telling your boyfriend, and of course get checked for any stds. If you take the time for yourself to heal and accept, you will make it through