Katchie

Im honestly feeling like crap today. I don't like that my AH's addiction can make me feel this way but it does. There is such a feeling of betrayal it's really hard to look at him or talk to him except when its essential -- there is nothing worthy to talk about because we are not in a good place. I know this is me; it's exactly how I felt this time last year. It's exhausting no matter how good a nights sleep I get. I did try out a Celebrate Recovery meeting last night. It was good but about half way through I think I could have just put my head down and slept. He didn't come home at his usual time yesterday evening so I went ahead to CR and got home at 9:30pm. He never apologized after yesterday, hell never apologized for cursing me out a couple weeks go, and never asked where I was last night. Things like that just heap on the hurt. Not boo this morning either...he just hurried to work in sweat pants and a gym bag over his shoulder; obviously he is going to the gym to get ready for work so he doesn't have to do it at home. Fine. Just keep heaping it on. Im tired and have an hour drive this evening to watch my boys play in a game; I'll be more tired but AH isn't driving me anywhere. Its so crappy. I absolutely hate addiction.

lillamy

(((hugs)))

Someone here -- maybe m1k3? -- said "When you adjust your expectations to match your reality, you're no longer going to be disappointed."

It's hard to hope.

marie1960

Addiction is certainly ruling the roost in your home.

I am sorry Katchie.

I can remember a time where I could not wait to get to work, just to have something else to focus on.

At home the running dialogue in my head would be, "today's fresh hell is sponsored by yesterday's fresh hell, or and let's remember tomorrow's fresh hell is only 24 hours away"

Sure hope you can keep the focus on you and your kids. Easier said than done, try and do something nice for yourself today, you are worth it , and you matter .

((((hugs))))))

hopeful4

I'm sorry Katchie. He won't change, but you are.

XXX

dandylion

Katchie....have you ever considered that...alcoholism aside.....maybe you just have a crappy marriage? That happens, sometimes.
I divorced my children's father because he was a Narcissist. That marriage would have never...never had a happy ending (for me)....and, eventually, I had to face that fact that we were horrible mismatched.

Just saying....


dandylion

Katchie

I don't think that's the case. I could see the old him, as best as I can remember the old non-drunk him, and we were starting to click again. But I often wonder if the alcohol brings out the real him and what he really thinks about me. I was really getting excited about Christmas this year, something I haven't had in a while due to his alcoholism and family members who passed. It seems squashed again.

CodeJob

Hello Katchie,

Can he live somewhere else so you have a haven with the boys while he fights the latest round of his addiction?

HealingWillCome

I'm sorry, Katchie. Sending prayers and love your way.

Katchie

I'm not sure I'm ready for that step yet. In my head I think I should wait until there is "confirmation" of relapse before I can justify doing that. I also know that is silly, but that's where I'm at.

MissFixit

Hi Katchie,

One thing that helped me when I felt angry and frustrated was to get to the place in my mind where I understood what role I played in the dynamic. Since we cannot change others, the only people we can change are ourselves. You have choices with him. They might be choices that you do not like, but you do have choices. He has shown you who he is now. The guy you remember is not there anymore. He might show his face every so often, but that former self is not who your ah is. That man is gone. As Amy mentioned, accepting who he is now will help you keep your expectations realistic. If you do not like who he is now or how your marriage is now, there are options. Can he live elsewhere?

MissFixit

Umm, Kacthie, you do have confirmation. He cussed you out a couple times now, your kids have seen his alcohol bottles, you have seen him drunk. What more do you want?

Not saying this to be ugly. I understand how you feel. I think you know he relapsed, but you do not like it or want to accept it. My guess is that your anger right now is you struggling to come to terms with where he is and what you know you probably need to do. You do not want to do it. I get it and it is okay. You don't have to do anything until you are ready.

I think it is really important to be honest with yourself. He can bs everyone all day long. However, to step out of denial and into reality, we have to be honest with ourselves.

Katchie

I know this but it doesn't change the hurt, disappointment thank you

AnvilheadII

and you have a choice about the hurt and disappointment you feel katchie. you said it was JUST LIKE THIS last year, same crap, different year. everyhting is about how HE feels, how HE is doing....if he is drinking or not.

you are settling for so little....i'm not sure you even see that. think hard about the last two plus years since you joined SR....you thought he had a drinking problem then with 2 DUI's under his belt.

the silent treatment, the hostility, the "all about me" attitude....that takes a big huge toll on YOU. you already know what's going on....it's just a matter of what YOU choose to do with the information. i hope you find what works for you.

MissFixit

I understand.

Your disappointment and hurt will shift when you make changes to benefit you and your kids. Right now, you are hanging on waiting for him to change, get better, whatever you want to call it. That's not going to happen right now. I am very sorry for that.

The status quo isn't working for you anymore and that is a good thing. You are healthier. I just sucks that to be healthier and live a healthier life, you cannot live with active addiction in the house. Ah is active addiction at this point. Waiting on him to change will grow your resentments.

Stung

That's what al-anon is for. The hurt and disappointment are our hopes and dreams and expectations for what our lives should be. The reality that our perfect outcomes aren't happening. BUT we can choose to adjust to what we have in our lives and our perspectives.

I know you're not ready to change anything about this scenario yourself yet and that's okay. But I can tell you that separating (I'm not saying that you should separate, that's just what I did with my husband) has made my home a much happier place and has actually improved my relationship with my own relapsing husband. It reminds me of the saying "nothing changes if nothing changes." Living with someone who is struggling with alcoholism is very stressful and draining on everyone who lives with them. I didn't want that for myself or my kids.

Sending you big hugs, lady.