rachelle77

What a terrible thing the curse of alcoholism is, and all of the screwed up unhealthy behaviors it fosters.

A week ago today I had 4 months sobriety. I am age 37 and have never gone that long without a drink or drug in 20 years. It felt great! Scary, but in a very normal (finally!) kind of way.

And then the holidys had descended. Can't blame a specifics day for my wanting to drink and numb out pain and disappointment, but it sure was a longstanding habit of mine. I survived Halloween (yes, my holiday blues begin that early) and thanksgiving with my family.

Tonight found me at my Monday night women's meeting, and engaged in a ridiculous text battle with a man who isn't my boyfriend but who I have been seeing for 4 1/2 years. One thing led to another via text and there I found myself at the crossroads of breaking up. Funny, seeing that we've never been an official item.

One thing led to another, one more stressor was thrown on my already budding pyre of stress knots, and now I am sitting on my couch with a bottle of whiskey I just ran out and bought.

Before I did that, I laid quietly in my bed playing the tape through, meditating, using positive self talk. I could feel every muscle in my body burn and ache for alcohol and the crap feeling that it delivers to me. I hadn't felt feelings this physically intense since my last withdrawal 4 months ago. It was frightening, like an evil demon was trying to invade my body and corrupt my blood.

A final text (yes, not very adult of us to communicate this way, I know, but our work schedules are so opposite) was sent that let me know he had changed his mind hours ago to not see me tonight after he got off work to work things out. I quickly threw out the reality that I have to wake up very early in the am to go work with high school students, and robotically walked myself to the corner store to buy whiskey and cigarettes.

So why am I posting? I know I did this to myself. That I was not willing to wade through the actual physical pain I felt in craving a drink just so I could numb out what didn't agree with me. I know better than to turn to alcohol to "solve," even momentarily, my problems. But the weird terror of that craving (AV?!) really threw me... No, that's just another excuse.

Once you put down the drink, even if it's for a day, or even if it's for 24 hours, it's never worth it to pick it back up again.

Thanks for reading. Go with much love and peace. And be strong.

Dee74

You don't have to ride the crazy train all the way back to the terminal Rachelle.

Dump the whisky. Toss the smokes too
Go to bed.

Start fresh tomorrow

D

rachelle77

Yeah, I'm sure I sound pretty crazy indeed with this post. A great reminder Dee. Thank you.

At just even one m

Dee74

'Crazy train' was not meant to be taken personally
The image fits my active addiction years.

My point is you've made a mistake and bought the whisky and cigs - but the outcome is still changeable. You have choices

I think you'd be sending a great message to your addiction and to yourself - if you threw the crap away now

No person is worth this kind of self destruction - but you are very much worth some good treatment and TLC.

Give it to yourself Rachelle

D

Lenina

rachelle, do you think you might have a problem with relationships? I know I sorta switched stuff around when I got sober the first time. Can you call a therapist and see about getting an appointment? maybe now is the time to address some of the underlying issues?

It took me a long time to get emotionally sober.

Love from Lenina

OklaBH

You dont sound crazy at all. You sound just like me. Its our "go to" It's how we are wired. Even though you bought the whiskey you have a better handle and realization then what you are giving yourself credit for. You posted! Also you said "Once you put down the drink, even if it's for a day, or even if it's for 24 hours, it's never worth it to pick it back up again"

Print out your post. Keep it handy. When you get that feeling again, read it, read it several times, read it out loud to yourself.

You are to strong to let one night set you back.

thank you for the thread.

DownButNotOut83

You're not crazy. I'd be shocked to find a recovering alcoholic that hasn't relapsed. But you don't have to this time. D is right. Ditch the bottle, it's hard, it sucks, especially right in front of you. But you can. Just walk to the sink and pour it. I know it's much easier said than done. But you're here because you want to be sober. I wish I'd taken that advice 1000 times

afloatsober

Totally get it Rachelle, right down to the craving feeling.
If you have taken a drink then I get that to.
But whether you have or have not, there is really only one way left to go once you have a knowledge of your condition.
That is back on board and forward with all of us.
There is nothing left for the likes of us in that bottle anymore.
Be safe and be back soon.
G

LBrain

I suppose I am to assume that you drank?

Something that never ceases to amaze me is the number of folks who come her to post AFTER they already picked up the bottle. Perhaps, next time you come here to post BEFORE you pick up the bottle and get a second opinion on things.
You made it 4 months, you can make it 4 decades. Wish you well.

anattaboy

Glad you posted Rachelle. I had a strong urge recently and not sure if I'd be accountable if I had drank and if I pick up the next day (always have), it's on for awhile. Dump it, call another recoverer if possible etc... whatever it takes because you're worth it.

Soberwolf

Dump the booze & the smokes Rachel

It doesnt have to be this way

spk soon

sickofthiscrap

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that doing relationships with people who aren't doing relationships with us is very bad for your mental and emotional health. I did this many times in the thick of my addiction. Now, I can't imagine it - it would be a terrible threat to my sobriety.

JimJim

Your post, crazy it isn't. Descriptive, vivid thoughts and an excellent monologue of your feelings.

Soberjoy1

Don't beat yourself up too much. It's a new day, get back on the horse. 4 months is awesome. I hope that you will find, as I have after drinking some recently, that the contrast is so great between how it feels to live sober as opposed to abusing alcohol that you will be ready and eager to get back to it. Best to you. I have been there, so I know how it feels.

Bailey3

You need to forgive yourself and move on in sobriety. Learn from it.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Rachelle!! SR is in your corner!!

Nonsensical

That's why the world becomes a wondrous place when we recover.

Plenty of room on this wagon. Climb aboard. You can do this.

rachelle77

Thank you all for your posts.
I think it's a great idea to print out this entire thread and read it when things get tough.
I am determined to beat my AV into submission. I did drink and it was awful. Definitely not worth the shame and regret. Thank you again for all of your words.

Arbor

I just read this through Rachelle and I can relate. Having made it two months longest stretch of my life I slipped up this past Saturday big time. And I posted after the drink like you. I think LBrain hit the nail on the head when he says we need to reach out before we buy or sip the poison. It's really a do or die situation at this point with these relapses. Glad you made it out ok.

Dee74

Glad you're back Rachelle

D