Trouble with a good friend
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Trouble with a good friend
I'm in college and apparently one of my best friends from back home isn't doing well at all. Our relationship was never based off drugs/alcohol as we go back further than when the poison entered our lives, but as of now I am sober (apart from the odd drink or two) and he is far from it. I talked to a mutual friend of ours and he shared some upsetting news with me.
So my friend's going off the deep end. He still lives at home and is going to community college at the moment. Now he's on the verge of getting thrown out of the house. He smokes weed and now pretty much blacks out every time he drinks (I'm not sure how often). I've seen him like this before, although not through a sober lens, and our mutual friend told me that last time he saw him, he blacked out and ended up acting aggressive and humiliating himself to make a long story short. He's been caught swiping benzos from his parents' medicine cabinet too.
His mom has been forcing him to take antidepressants, which obviously haven't been helping as apparently he now doesn't care about anything anymore and has said that he wishes he was dead.
I'm going home in a few weeks and would like to see him/talk to him. Is there anything I can say? I have no idea if he thinks he has a problem or not, but I'd like him to wake up a bit. He's never been satisfied with living at home (his mom's a controlling nightmare) and going to community college. I know he's just trying to escape reality at this point. Even if he knows he has a problem, I'm not sure he'd care. I'm starting to think maybe getting kicked out of the house would be good for him, but I also don't want to see him on the street. Like I just asked, would there be a good way to sit down and talk with him about this? We used to smoke weed/get drunk together a lot. I quit the weed with great difficulty, and no longer drink more than 1-2 beers. Still, his problems seem to be getting beyond my experience. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
So my friend's going off the deep end. He still lives at home and is going to community college at the moment. Now he's on the verge of getting thrown out of the house. He smokes weed and now pretty much blacks out every time he drinks (I'm not sure how often). I've seen him like this before, although not through a sober lens, and our mutual friend told me that last time he saw him, he blacked out and ended up acting aggressive and humiliating himself to make a long story short. He's been caught swiping benzos from his parents' medicine cabinet too.
His mom has been forcing him to take antidepressants, which obviously haven't been helping as apparently he now doesn't care about anything anymore and has said that he wishes he was dead.
I'm going home in a few weeks and would like to see him/talk to him. Is there anything I can say? I have no idea if he thinks he has a problem or not, but I'd like him to wake up a bit. He's never been satisfied with living at home (his mom's a controlling nightmare) and going to community college. I know he's just trying to escape reality at this point. Even if he knows he has a problem, I'm not sure he'd care. I'm starting to think maybe getting kicked out of the house would be good for him, but I also don't want to see him on the street. Like I just asked, would there be a good way to sit down and talk with him about this? We used to smoke weed/get drunk together a lot. I quit the weed with great difficulty, and no longer drink more than 1-2 beers. Still, his problems seem to be getting beyond my experience. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Oh and btw, do you guys think this would be better in the friends and family of substance abusers thread? He does do other stuff, but the drinking's what I'm most concerned about and where he seems to be developing a serious problem.
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Hi & welcome to SR!
You know, I've often wished I knew what the difference is -- between those of us who gladly imbibed in college and then dropped the drinking when we grew up, and those who simply fell further down the rabbit hole of addiction. Seems you, like me, quit drinking (heavily or at all) without much problem. Your friend -- as some of mine -- just kept on. That's addiction for you.
Antidepressants and alcohol are a bad combo. Alcohol makes you more depressed. So that's a crap situation right there.
As for what you can do? Well... truth is, not much. When one of my friends was drinking herself silly in college, I called her parents; they came and picked her up and detoxed her in the basement without medical supervision. She survived -- luckily -- but I have to say she's struggled ever since, both with depression and addictions.
You can talk to your friend -- by all means. But you're right -- it's a real possibility he won't listen to your concerns. Addictions can be like parasites, it's like they're almost protecting themselves and making it really hard for the addict to see how life could be better if they quit their drug of choice.
I'm sorry I don't have any real answers -- but feel free to ask questions. There's a lot of knowledge and experience here.
You know, I've often wished I knew what the difference is -- between those of us who gladly imbibed in college and then dropped the drinking when we grew up, and those who simply fell further down the rabbit hole of addiction. Seems you, like me, quit drinking (heavily or at all) without much problem. Your friend -- as some of mine -- just kept on. That's addiction for you.
Antidepressants and alcohol are a bad combo. Alcohol makes you more depressed. So that's a crap situation right there.
As for what you can do? Well... truth is, not much. When one of my friends was drinking herself silly in college, I called her parents; they came and picked her up and detoxed her in the basement without medical supervision. She survived -- luckily -- but I have to say she's struggled ever since, both with depression and addictions.
You can talk to your friend -- by all means. But you're right -- it's a real possibility he won't listen to your concerns. Addictions can be like parasites, it's like they're almost protecting themselves and making it really hard for the addict to see how life could be better if they quit their drug of choice.
I'm sorry I don't have any real answers -- but feel free to ask questions. There's a lot of knowledge and experience here.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
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Yeah, that's tricky. Now that I'm not addicted any more I look at all my friends who are (to weed or booze). All I feel like I can do is share my story if it comes up in conversation and listen if they want to talk. I've always been the "understanding" friend. There are others who are "tough love" or "home truth" friends. In my life I've benefitted from all my friends with their variety of approaches. Kind of like how it works on here. I'd say just be yourself and have real conversations - without having expectations that it will change his behaviour.
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Hi Racing thoughts.
As a mom Of a young teen, I see your email almost with a split mind.
First I see it from your angle, you see your friend falling into a pit of addiction to escape his inability to escape his reality. This young person wants to get away from home and as you claim, his controlling mother.
But then as a mom, I question a bit the mom as you see her. She probably did not want her beloved son to go down this path. Likely she has tried every intervention (likely there is a diagnosis for those antidepressants). As a parent I can suspect this kid might not have been mentally ready or mature enough to leave home for college. Sounds like he is not doing well proving their money/loans would be well spent at a 4 year college right before their eyes. I'm sure the mom has gotten controlling. I would too when my kid steals my pain meds, has an addiction and needs to grow up and accept adult responsibilities. She doesn't want him on the street either, but actually cutting him off might be the only way to help your friend from a parental angle.
So yes I think you indeed might be a very good person to talk with your friend when you are home. But I wonder if you talked to his mom first if you would have a better idea of what is really going on? It might really help your approach.
Such a sad thing. I hope you can talk to him and he will listen.
As a mom Of a young teen, I see your email almost with a split mind.
First I see it from your angle, you see your friend falling into a pit of addiction to escape his inability to escape his reality. This young person wants to get away from home and as you claim, his controlling mother.
But then as a mom, I question a bit the mom as you see her. She probably did not want her beloved son to go down this path. Likely she has tried every intervention (likely there is a diagnosis for those antidepressants). As a parent I can suspect this kid might not have been mentally ready or mature enough to leave home for college. Sounds like he is not doing well proving their money/loans would be well spent at a 4 year college right before their eyes. I'm sure the mom has gotten controlling. I would too when my kid steals my pain meds, has an addiction and needs to grow up and accept adult responsibilities. She doesn't want him on the street either, but actually cutting him off might be the only way to help your friend from a parental angle.
So yes I think you indeed might be a very good person to talk with your friend when you are home. But I wonder if you talked to his mom first if you would have a better idea of what is really going on? It might really help your approach.
Such a sad thing. I hope you can talk to him and he will listen.
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I've thought of talking to her, but I'm not sure what good it would do. She's been like this for his entire life, before any of this started. She's a screamer who gets unreasonably upset over the smallest things. I can't imagine how bad it's gotten now. Even my parents agree that she's a nutcase. When we were young kids, nobody ever wanted to go over to his house because of her, and he always wanted to get away. My friend has always been kind on uncommunicative which is what worries me. I don't know if she had anything to do with it, but she's beyond the problem now. She may have his best intentions in mind, but I think she's doing more harm than good at this point. The thing is, I think he blames everything on her and rationalizes his decisions that way.
He has a job lined up for the spring where he'll actually be making about $20 an hour. I think I'm going to bring this up as an opportunity for him to get his own place, and tell him that he won't be able to if he spends all of his money on weed and booze. Idk im just thinking of ways to get through to him.
He has a job lined up for the spring where he'll actually be making about $20 an hour. I think I'm going to bring this up as an opportunity for him to get his own place, and tell him that he won't be able to if he spends all of his money on weed and booze. Idk im just thinking of ways to get through to him.
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My thought would be to have a list of local homeless shelters for when and if he gets kicked out, local AA meetings and times, and a therapist who specializes in working with folks with addiction.
His mom forcing him to take medications is making it worse quite likely. They are downers, as is alcohol. This is likely contributing to the blackouts. Give her the times/places for Alanon.
Encourage him, don't enable him. Don't offer a place to live or any money.
I am so sorry.
His mom forcing him to take medications is making it worse quite likely. They are downers, as is alcohol. This is likely contributing to the blackouts. Give her the times/places for Alanon.
Encourage him, don't enable him. Don't offer a place to live or any money.
I am so sorry.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Oh my that mom sounds strung out herself. You should have her join F&F on SR.
Talk to him. I think your approach is fine. It gets to the point as you grow up that no matter who raised you, it is up to you to move on and make a go of it. Blaming everything on your parents should probably expire by the age you can rent a car.
Talk to him. I think your approach is fine. It gets to the point as you grow up that no matter who raised you, it is up to you to move on and make a go of it. Blaming everything on your parents should probably expire by the age you can rent a car.
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I don't think I'm going to flat out accuse him of having a problem. Even if he thinks he does, he could still deny it. Instead I think I'm just going to try and collaborate with him on ways to improve his current situation. Hopefully with this, I'll be able to express that drugs and alcohol might be getting in the way of his happiness. IF he's receptive, I guess I could tell him how I was in a semi-similar situation and how life doesn't seem as hopeless now as it once did.
It's just tough. He was never a jackass who you'd envision this happening to. Even in our days of smoking/drinking together, he'd almost always be more in control than me. He was always the person who was so nice and everybody's friend. My parents loved him. Now some of the stuff he's apparently done while drunk is mind boggling. It's just sad that he seems to be giving up and letting go. I feel guilty too because I started a couple years before him, and while he started on his own, I was fully in favor of it. I remember even trying to show him how to properly inhale weed smoke so he'd get high from it once. Now I wanna just bang my head on the wall. Again, thanks for the suggestions though guys. I'm praying he wakes up soon. I'm not sure though because I also learned that he signed a contract made with his parents saying that he wouldn't drink or do drugs or would have to leave home and he still did/does and they just haven't followed through. Sigh
It's just tough. He was never a jackass who you'd envision this happening to. Even in our days of smoking/drinking together, he'd almost always be more in control than me. He was always the person who was so nice and everybody's friend. My parents loved him. Now some of the stuff he's apparently done while drunk is mind boggling. It's just sad that he seems to be giving up and letting go. I feel guilty too because I started a couple years before him, and while he started on his own, I was fully in favor of it. I remember even trying to show him how to properly inhale weed smoke so he'd get high from it once. Now I wanna just bang my head on the wall. Again, thanks for the suggestions though guys. I'm praying he wakes up soon. I'm not sure though because I also learned that he signed a contract made with his parents saying that he wouldn't drink or do drugs or would have to leave home and he still did/does and they just haven't followed through. Sigh
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
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Aw, it's kind of you to care so much about your friend. I know that when I was catching up with various friends and they asked "what's new" I told them I quit weed. Most of them were shocked into silence. Some said "oh, no!" even though they didn't smoke themselves. Just that I always did and they were weirded out by me changing, as if I'd be a different person now. Anyway, I would go into detail about why I had to quit and what it was like and how great it was having quit. A few of them opened up about their own issues (for the first time) which was super awesome because I already was worried about them and didn't know how to bring it up. Not like I leapt on it and told them they had a problem, just listened and said "well, if it IS a problem for you, here's what you might want to try...". Kinda like you already said.
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