rccola5816

Hi everyone. I have been married to an alcoholic for the past 15 years. So I have a lot of history and stories...We have 3 kids. I moved from the US when I was 19, to escape baggage from my past, (a bi polar mother and abusive step-mother) and fell right into the same setting of walking on egg shells. I have no family where I am, only his family (who are like my family and fully support me). My husband was always a social drinker (but the one who would always drink too much). When I was young I saw nothing wrong in it. My first sign of a problem was when he quit his job and was at home. All of a sudden he started buying liquor and would drink when I was at work. After a year of this, he got a job and life went back to itself. He would drink once in a while with his friends (but at least it was "social"). Then 4 years ago a horrible thing happened, his sister was killed in a fire. A month after her death he was fired (due to budget issues). He has been at home for the past 4 years. Cannot find a job. He is in hi-tech has an MBA and everything, but yet no one calls him. We have had our ups and downs. He went to therapy, which worked.. We bought a house and moved away, a new start. Unfortunately the drinking has started again. He hit "his" rock bottom and went for help again. The problem is he is not the typical alcoholic. He drinks once a week (if that), but doesn't know how to stop once he starts. No rehab facility will take him. He is on meds for depression and was given a pill to help him with the cravings. My life is full of ups and downs. When he doesn't drink we are a happy family. We have a wonderful relationship, then one drinking episode and we have to start all over. He does a horrible thing when he drinks. He calls women (many times my girlfriends) and becomes obsessed with them. If the woman goes along with the flow he ends up talking about sex. I have tried to hide his problem from my friends but in the end they find out cause he calls them. I had an affair 5 years ago (I needed someone to take care of me finally) He was a married man with kids so I knew nothing would come out of it. I know I should have left my husband then, but something kept me with him. He found out about the affair and to this day holds it over my head. I feel so alone in this world. His sister has been my life saver, and lets me come to her house if he drinks, but i don't think that is the solution. He was always a "funny" drunk but recently he has switched sides and can be aggressive. I made the mistake of coming home with the kids one day and he scared the **** out of me so i ran out with the kids to a neighbor. The oddest thing is my body can sense if he drank. I get horrible stomach aches and then I know, he drank today. So far I haven't been wrong once I went to al-anon in the past but it didn't help me (only made me more negative). In the country I am in, there isn't an awareness of alcoholism and there are barely any support groups. I hope that through this forum I can find women like me (cause only someone who is going/went through this can understand).

FireSprite

You definitely are not alone & you'll find all kinds of wonderful support here. The sticky posts at the top if this forum contain years of compiled wisdom from our members, make sure you take some time to read through the posts that resonate for you. Welcome to the forum!

honeypig

rccola, you are far from alone. There is a lot of shared experience, strength and hope here. Please spend as much time as you can reading the various threads; I'm sure you'll see yourself in some of them.

As FireSprite said, there is a ton of accumulated wisdom in the stickies at the top of the page. Here's a thread from there that you might find helpful as a newcomer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I've found a lot of support and growth thru SR and Alanon, and I'd suggest the same to you. Alanon is in many countries, and even if you can't find a face-to-face meeting nearby, there are email and telephone meetings. There is also a chat room here that you might like to use.

It can all seem so overwhelming at first, but bit by bit your understanding will get clearer and you'll start to see your path out of hell and into happiness. Many here have made the trip, and you can too.

Welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity.

LexieCat

Let me add to the welcomes and the good advice given here.

If I may ask, in what way did you find Al-Anon made you feel "negative"? It takes a while for the program and the benefits of principles like detachment to become clearer.

You said his family is supportive, which is good. Do they know about the drinking and the other behavior, and how that makes you feel? What do they say?

rccola5816

LexieCat when I went to Alanon I was in a different state of mind. Ironically the person who told me about the group was my sister in-law who passed away. The stories I heard were not "hopeful", most of the women there were divorced (which made me feel like there is no way to live with an alcoholic) and they kept on meeting men like their ex's. I also didn't like the way the meetings were held. Where each person talks and no one comments. I am not looking for a place to only get it off my chest, rather to hear suggestions and get support from people like me. Thanks for letting me know about the online meetings and emails, maybe that will be helpful.

Regarding his family. They know about everything. Like I wrote in my previous post his sister is helping me and together we are "dealing" with this. But it is still their son/brother. His father has told me a few times, he would understand if i were to leave him. But I have no support system of my own. Where would I go if i were to leave him? How would I raise 3 kids alone? I love him and want to find that guy i married who loved himself and life. He is a good husband and father but he is sick. As you can tell I am torn here. I know I have to look out for myself, but i don't know how.

Soberintexas007

You appear to be in a precarious situation, Rccola. Even though your husband only drinks one day each week, that one day of drinking is still negatively affecting your relationship because of his behavior and recent aggressive behavior. He appears to be an alcoholic who only drinks one day each week. Having him abstain from alcohol appears to be the only solution to help your relationship. I implemented a zero tolerance policy for alcohol with my husband, and things have been so much better in the past week and a half. He is not undergoing any treatment, however, so I don't know how long this will last. I believe that if someone truly cares about you, they will give up the addictive substance that is harming the relationship.

CodeJob

Hello RC Cola,

Welcome to SR. Sorry to hear about your H's progression into A.

Do you work then if H hasn't worked in 4 years?

I'm confused in your story how all is fine despite weekly binges where he is calling your friends and making sexual advances? Particularly in light of increasing aggression where you need to leave the house.

I recommend you start pulling together a support system beyond his family.

As for Al Anon, my group is the same set up. You are supposed to learn by listening. It's not for everyone. Other modes are Rational Recovery, CRAFT, and Smart Recovery. These are discussed here on SR too in other subsections.

My main concern for you is the pattern you repeated - walking on eggshells. Do you have access to counseling for you?