Blossom717

So, most of you know that exabf and I have dd3 together. He usually calls her once in the morning and once at night. Well last week he didn't call her Sunday evening, and forgot to call her one weekday morning (said he left his phone at home) and 1 or 2 times in the evening. DD didn't seem to notice.

Well Friday evening I texted him because she was asleep before his 8pm call. He got angry and said I should've had her call him. I didn't know she would fall asleep while watching tv. I suggested he call her at 7pm from now on since shes been falling asleep before 8. He suggested I get her to call him at night. Sorry, but I'm not putting the responsibility of them having a relationship in a 3 year old's hands.

Anyway, Saturday he called at 7:45 slurring his speech. She was already asleep and he was mad again because he wanted her to call him. I told him I had suggested for him to call her at 7 and he couldn't seem to remember. He called me "honey" and that was a definite sign that he was drinking lol.

So I'm just putting this out here because think that it may or may not be the start of him getting "too busy" for her. I'm only speculating because that's what my dad did, all of a sudden it was my responsibility as a child to call him, not the other way around. That way it was my fault that he never talked to me.

Has anyone else had this pattern start?

biminiblue

I have been that abandoned child, too.

I'm sorry he is so selfish.

hopeful4

Ya. My X was a diligent caller all the time. Now he misses sometimes. He still calls but not on a regular schedule.

Blossom717

Thanks, I am sorry too. I will say that she hasn't been as sensitive lately. It could just be coincidence.

When I texted him asking for him to please not call when he is slurring his speech, he responded with (and he actually put quotations around this himself) "I DON'T DRANK ANYMORE" ......

That's the style of texting when he's drinking...caps and quotations

Chillly

Ha! Called you "Honey"
That's Exactly how the women in my life knew I was drunk!
Seriously, I knew it too. As soon as the word "honey" started coming out of my mouth, I, and every woman I knew, knew I was drinking!!
He's sneaky like me! I bet you thought it was cute and endearing at first. Honey this, Honey that. Now hearing it makes your skin crawl.
Oh man, we can be so manipulative!
Anyway, thanks for sharing.

Good luck from a former king of female manipulation!

lillamy

*shaking my head*

It's hard to be the child whose one parent no longer cares. On the other hand, kids will realize where their anchor is and that the other parent is unreliable. And that's not a bad thing, although it's painful.

healthyagain

If he truly cared, he would not mind. He would let the child sleep. Gosh, it is a little girl.

But here is something I noticed. My AH not only wants to pick a fight, but he also likes to win an argument, no matter how insignificant the issue is or who is involved. Maybe you have something similar here? If you say something, offer a solution, exabf will oppose you, and even sound rather stupid. For him, it is important that he "wins" (kinda like a little boy), that the child calls him when he wants to (although 7 o'clock would be perfectly fine too).

In any case, it is very selfish of him. Immature too. Like an hour makes a big difference.

Blossom717

it probably is that he wants to pick an argument to win, healthyagain. I suppose it wouldn't be a big deal for me to get her to call him, but she takes a lot of that stuff (responsibilities) to heart and I don't think its something she should have to worry about. He opposes everything I say, he even accused me of not paying enough attention to her when I told him she fell asleep before 8 on Friday.

Chilly- yea, you got that right, it makes my skin crawl! honey, hun, toots, darlin'. all of those. it took me a while to realize it was when he was drinking, but now its a dead giveaway.

lilamy - its definately hard. I went through it myself and I think some of those insecurities still have an impact on my relationships today. I don't want her to go through it. I'm hoping that my always being there for her helps to offset it some. I know nothing can replace a missing father figure though.

hopeful4

OMG...it's not funny...but...

"Honey, I DONT DRANK..."

This just has me cracking up. Just hit my funnybone, sorry!

As far as baby Blossom calling him, no way! She is three, he is a grown adult. If he wants to talk to her let him call her.

ResignedToWait

This definitely occurred with us. When AW first started her court-allowed phone calls, she'd call the kids every night. After a month or two, she'd skip a night. Then she'd skip two nights in a row. Before long, she was only calling once or twice a week. Now, she hasn't called the kids in a month.

Also, just like yours, she has put the responsibility on the kids. A few times, she's told the 8yo something like "I won't be calling much anymore, but you feel free to tell daddy anytime you want to call me"

8 yo has never asked to call her, of course. (they dread talking to her)

Blossom717

hopeful - I've been waiting for those texts to start popping up. Hes famous for those but he had been keeping them to himself until now. The drunker...dranker...he gets, the more twangy he gets lol

resignedtowait - I'm sorry your kids are going through that too. I've noticed that my dd hasn't asked to call him either.

healthyagain

There is another thing Blossom717. Once we stop enabling and leave, in their eyes, we simply cannot do anything right. We are not good mothers, fathers, wives, girlfriends, we never clean, our food sucks anyway, we cannot even take care of dogs, our families are bad, we do not drive very well because we are blind or something, you name it, any insult under the Sun. But you know it ain't true. They might be justifying their behavior to themselves by trashing us.

And if the kid does not call or express desire (because it is a three-year-old and she has better things to do), he will again blame YOU. You turned her against him, or something like that.

LexieCat

Maybe he DOESN'T drank...

Blossom717

healthyagain - you are so right, about all of that!

NotSoSmart

I am going through something like this... 2 months ago when my ex broke up with me she made a bunch of promises that she wanted to see the boy daily, etc. As it stands right now she sees him for a couple hours on Thurs and every other Sat. Last Sat was her time; she picked him up an hour late (noon) and he was calling me by 2pm asking if he could come home. She has a habit of calling him after his bedtime, which has been the same for a long time, but acts surprised that he's in bed "already". I used to try to prompt him to call her but after she backed out of a promise to pay half the cell bill I stopped. Plus, he'll call if he wants to, and shouldn't be forced. I am not in charge of managing their relationship.
Only time will tell if their relationship eventually fades out. I agree with the comment that the stable, consistent parent takes the load - this is how it has always been as my ex has been in and out of the home with rehab, sober living, until the last year.
It is hard for my boy - he is having issues in school, been suspended and failing 2 classes. I have him in counseling to deal with his anger and grief. He told me Fri night that he feels like if he had been "better" to my ex she wouldn't have gone away. He carries around a lot of stuff that isn't his. And then to have her slowly erode out of his life; I can't imagine how that must feel.
I remind myself that the boy's needs come first, not my ex's. if she gets butt hurt b/c he is busy, asleep or doesn't feel like talking to her, she can talk to her sponsor about it.