anger, post breakup. how to deal.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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anger, post breakup. how to deal.
I have been apart from my ex bf (alcoholic) now for 5 months. Feels like a year.
That said, I am so angry some days. Sometimes it is just "some hours." I'm sure others here can relate who are reading this. 1 day of sad at the whole thing, 1 day of anger, 1 day of disgust. Around and around, all the while healing and changing my life in baby steps. I have gotten MUCH better.
Today I am angry. Resentful. Disgusted feeling like he got away with murder, lies, cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation, and came out looking "okay" on the other side while I am the crazy ex girlfriend who is a bad person and left him. He is spending time with other women, jumping from person to person- restless and literally homeless looking- spiraling and needy for animal comfort- and here and there advertising himself w/ one of those people in particular as mr. romantic full of compassionate words and deep thoughts riding a horse into the sunset- Never did it with me despite having a long and substantial relationship together and wanting to have a child this year. Seems Like everything is a piece of cake now.... Except he looks like he sleeps on a park bench at night. (scratching head confused how this alcoholism doesn't affect his behavior anymore or ability to be a good partner.)
After the breakup he stopped taking care of his looks, and drank himself to oblivion. 2x faster. But my therapist told me it is common for alcoholics in his position to make themselves look like prince charming mr. perfect with someone else, someone who is just meaningless and fills the void. And meanwhile the person they really loved they were abusive to at home and horrible to, like their wife or girlfriend. It is all a sideshow to distract from the alcoholism. I somewhat believe her as he has made a spectacle out of it, and I think he looks silly, but it still hurt me never the less.
I get angry occasionally when I think about how difficult it is to do this without a drug to knock me out, and how unfair it is he got away with it all. Any wise words to remind myself when I am angry that worked for you? I saw something in alanon, if it is driven by alcohol, it isn't real. That really helped. thanks.
That said, I am so angry some days. Sometimes it is just "some hours." I'm sure others here can relate who are reading this. 1 day of sad at the whole thing, 1 day of anger, 1 day of disgust. Around and around, all the while healing and changing my life in baby steps. I have gotten MUCH better.
Today I am angry. Resentful. Disgusted feeling like he got away with murder, lies, cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation, and came out looking "okay" on the other side while I am the crazy ex girlfriend who is a bad person and left him. He is spending time with other women, jumping from person to person- restless and literally homeless looking- spiraling and needy for animal comfort- and here and there advertising himself w/ one of those people in particular as mr. romantic full of compassionate words and deep thoughts riding a horse into the sunset- Never did it with me despite having a long and substantial relationship together and wanting to have a child this year. Seems Like everything is a piece of cake now.... Except he looks like he sleeps on a park bench at night. (scratching head confused how this alcoholism doesn't affect his behavior anymore or ability to be a good partner.)
After the breakup he stopped taking care of his looks, and drank himself to oblivion. 2x faster. But my therapist told me it is common for alcoholics in his position to make themselves look like prince charming mr. perfect with someone else, someone who is just meaningless and fills the void. And meanwhile the person they really loved they were abusive to at home and horrible to, like their wife or girlfriend. It is all a sideshow to distract from the alcoholism. I somewhat believe her as he has made a spectacle out of it, and I think he looks silly, but it still hurt me never the less.
I get angry occasionally when I think about how difficult it is to do this without a drug to knock me out, and how unfair it is he got away with it all. Any wise words to remind myself when I am angry that worked for you? I saw something in alanon, if it is driven by alcohol, it isn't real. That really helped. thanks.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
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I can relate to the anger. It seems like when I let myself get good and angry that is when I began to finally heal from all the bs I went through with axbf. I relate to the park bench look too lol...my axbf looked like a Jethro Tull character...Aqua lung if I'm showing my age with that one! Yet despite looking homeless they can still appear charming and the fun loving guy people just love. I posted here a lot when I was angry and bitter and sad and it helped a lot. Just wanted you to know I've been there and it does get better! I've let go of the anger, dropped any and all expectations and now we are friends. I don't let him rent space in my head anymore. I evicted him from my brain! Lol
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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bird13.....one of the best and most cathartic exercises I know (and one that helped me) is what I call "the wailing wall". Actually, I stole it from a book about how to get over a broken heart (many years ago). It works if you have got the nerve to do it. At the time, I was so desperate to get over the pain, that I did it!
Go to a safe place--where no one will see or hear you (I went to the edge of the woods).
Visualize that the object(s) of your anger is seated or standing in front of you, somewhere.
Begin by telling them everything that you feel and want to say to them. Really let it flow. Censor nothing! Call them every name--tell them how bad they are and how bad they hurt you. Tell them how much you hate them. Actually--every thought that comes into your head. (it doesn't have to make sense--it just has to be how you really feel deep inside). Scream, yell, let the tears flow and the snot run. Rage at the heavens.
Do this until you can't go on, anymore. Until you are hoarse or just feel exhausted.
I have also done mini versions of this at other times, in my life, when my emotions felt overwhelming. It restores the inner equilibrium.
I believe that it has something to do with our need to be seen and heard. Like, when you feel like he is getting "away" with the perfect picture to everyone else--and no one sees you used and left broken and bleeding. When you feel like that--you, I think, are feeling like no one "sees" or "gets you".
Even visualizing him hearing you and ACTUALLY HEARING YOURSELF---is a way of accomplishing what you need the most. To be seen; to be heard; to be valued. To not be invisible.
You are giving it to yourself and this is what people are talking about when they talk about self-love or loving yourself first.
Try it....you really don't have anything to loose. You will be amazed at how good it feels to get these toxins out....
dandylion
Go to a safe place--where no one will see or hear you (I went to the edge of the woods).
Visualize that the object(s) of your anger is seated or standing in front of you, somewhere.
Begin by telling them everything that you feel and want to say to them. Really let it flow. Censor nothing! Call them every name--tell them how bad they are and how bad they hurt you. Tell them how much you hate them. Actually--every thought that comes into your head. (it doesn't have to make sense--it just has to be how you really feel deep inside). Scream, yell, let the tears flow and the snot run. Rage at the heavens.
Do this until you can't go on, anymore. Until you are hoarse or just feel exhausted.
I have also done mini versions of this at other times, in my life, when my emotions felt overwhelming. It restores the inner equilibrium.
I believe that it has something to do with our need to be seen and heard. Like, when you feel like he is getting "away" with the perfect picture to everyone else--and no one sees you used and left broken and bleeding. When you feel like that--you, I think, are feeling like no one "sees" or "gets you".
Even visualizing him hearing you and ACTUALLY HEARING YOURSELF---is a way of accomplishing what you need the most. To be seen; to be heard; to be valued. To not be invisible.
You are giving it to yourself and this is what people are talking about when they talk about self-love or loving yourself first.
Try it....you really don't have anything to loose. You will be amazed at how good it feels to get these toxins out....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Normal, healthy women are not interested in a man who looks like he is sleeping on a park bench. I have never once woke up thinking I am going to search out the bum sleeping on a park bench and make him my man.
I do not view it as him getting away with anything here, I see it as the truth is starting to surface, and in time he will face the consequences of his actions. Maybe not today, but it will happen.
All of your current emotions are perfectly normal. break- ups suck, I see being angry and disgusted as a positive healing step, it will just take some time.
Hang in there, friend.
I do not view it as him getting away with anything here, I see it as the truth is starting to surface, and in time he will face the consequences of his actions. Maybe not today, but it will happen.
All of your current emotions are perfectly normal. break- ups suck, I see being angry and disgusted as a positive healing step, it will just take some time.
Hang in there, friend.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
I don't go after that park bench look either. I think you love the alcoholic first then you start seeing them at their worst..unshaven ...same clothes for three days...but you already have feelings for this person so you just deal with it? They clean up of course before they go to a bar or in my axbf's case the turkey shoot! I think part of the disease is slacking on their hygeine. They pass out before they think of showering...I don't know but it's not that I see a bum on the street and say oh yeah he's hot! Lol just to clarify.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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ahahaha. Suncatcher.. ." my axbf looked like a Jethro Tull character...Aqua lung "
When it bad, it is bad. LOL! Like Marie1960 said, thats the truth starting to surface. He is newly single and he thinks that looks good?
Marie1960, I guess I left out: He is the fun-loving, the charming guy friends and family love & is high-functioning and successful in his work, not rich though. Girls sleep with him to get work b/c of his status and it has not changed even though now he looks like a bum. He also advertises subtly his job to grab their interest, and how wholesome his family is.. probably even more now that he looks like a bum.
When I went no contact 5 mo ago he started trying to prove he could get a normal healthy girl.. although I am not dumb and know under what "conditions" it happened. (He even started taking photos with my friends, of which I cut off too.They are also woo'd by his job status) This is probably the only scenario in which a normal, wholesome, beautiful girl would sleep with a guy in his stage. Like you said Marie, what girl would do this?! So she isn't an alcoholic, and nothing is wrong with her, they are just hungry for the job. (one of them even has a ruffled ex bf who said to me, "Why is my ex girlfriend sleeping with him! Even if it is for work, he looks like a bum!) I just stayed silent. This girl even bought us a couple's gift once. People are so strange. I am independently successful and self employed in an unrelated field and I cannot understand that madness.
I knew this would happen, I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was that HE would try to pass one of these things off as something " real " like what we had or better. Like Someone does make him a better man, and rubbing his better man behavior in my face. That is where I just feel so angry. And doubted myself for a mere moment!!!! The insanity!
I will be screaming at that wall. And my anger is really at the forefront. I really wanna spill the beans right now. I spent years with him, faithfully in the background supporting him through everything, work, his family, us. I was the real deal, never used him for anything, and never talked bad about him, even when he was awful to me from the drinking. I've sent healing prayers his way, attended al anon, and told his parents he's in my prayers and I did my best. We went through a difficult medical issue that is hard on couples and our families supported us. We and I especially have been through so much, that I feel embarrassed when I see him advertising his life as he has been. People could not understand why we didn't get engaged for so long. Alcohol. Like you said Dandelion, "Rage at the heavens." I really have lately on some days. I am so grateful you guys wrote me back and with such funny replies! thank you so much!! Sending you lots of positive energy for your help and prayers for your healing too.
When it bad, it is bad. LOL! Like Marie1960 said, thats the truth starting to surface. He is newly single and he thinks that looks good?
Marie1960, I guess I left out: He is the fun-loving, the charming guy friends and family love & is high-functioning and successful in his work, not rich though. Girls sleep with him to get work b/c of his status and it has not changed even though now he looks like a bum. He also advertises subtly his job to grab their interest, and how wholesome his family is.. probably even more now that he looks like a bum.
When I went no contact 5 mo ago he started trying to prove he could get a normal healthy girl.. although I am not dumb and know under what "conditions" it happened. (He even started taking photos with my friends, of which I cut off too.They are also woo'd by his job status) This is probably the only scenario in which a normal, wholesome, beautiful girl would sleep with a guy in his stage. Like you said Marie, what girl would do this?! So she isn't an alcoholic, and nothing is wrong with her, they are just hungry for the job. (one of them even has a ruffled ex bf who said to me, "Why is my ex girlfriend sleeping with him! Even if it is for work, he looks like a bum!) I just stayed silent. This girl even bought us a couple's gift once. People are so strange. I am independently successful and self employed in an unrelated field and I cannot understand that madness.
I knew this would happen, I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was that HE would try to pass one of these things off as something " real " like what we had or better. Like Someone does make him a better man, and rubbing his better man behavior in my face. That is where I just feel so angry. And doubted myself for a mere moment!!!! The insanity!
I will be screaming at that wall. And my anger is really at the forefront. I really wanna spill the beans right now. I spent years with him, faithfully in the background supporting him through everything, work, his family, us. I was the real deal, never used him for anything, and never talked bad about him, even when he was awful to me from the drinking. I've sent healing prayers his way, attended al anon, and told his parents he's in my prayers and I did my best. We went through a difficult medical issue that is hard on couples and our families supported us. We and I especially have been through so much, that I feel embarrassed when I see him advertising his life as he has been. People could not understand why we didn't get engaged for so long. Alcohol. Like you said Dandelion, "Rage at the heavens." I really have lately on some days. I am so grateful you guys wrote me back and with such funny replies! thank you so much!! Sending you lots of positive energy for your help and prayers for your healing too.
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I did something similar to what Dandylion is referring to but it wasn't a wall.
I have a wknd job that I must walk a lot for. During my travels ... I would talk, often out loud to him. By the end I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. Strength returned even if it was only for a period of time. I did this for a long time until I realized I wasn't doing it anymore
It is a painful process but who wants a man who sleeps with so many others ? or pretends to be someone they are not ? or drinks to numb his mind from reality ?
I have been divorced for 12 years and the anger has just returned. I'm not sure why yet, but I will have to work thru it again.
I use no medications, no illegal substances, no caffeine, no smoking, no drinking. I'm all reality and I wouldn't have it any other way. Stay strong and be so proud of yourself for being away from this toxic situation.
I am sorry that you are having troubles but it's all a part of mourning your loss. and it perfectly normal. Keep coming back
I have a wknd job that I must walk a lot for. During my travels ... I would talk, often out loud to him. By the end I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. Strength returned even if it was only for a period of time. I did this for a long time until I realized I wasn't doing it anymore
It is a painful process but who wants a man who sleeps with so many others ? or pretends to be someone they are not ? or drinks to numb his mind from reality ?
I have been divorced for 12 years and the anger has just returned. I'm not sure why yet, but I will have to work thru it again.
I use no medications, no illegal substances, no caffeine, no smoking, no drinking. I'm all reality and I wouldn't have it any other way. Stay strong and be so proud of yourself for being away from this toxic situation.
I am sorry that you are having troubles but it's all a part of mourning your loss. and it perfectly normal. Keep coming back
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 23
Thank u for ur post. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend this morning. I'm dying inside...but have been slowly dying since day 1. I thought he would change if I gave 100%...
I guess we just take each day as it comes; pray for peace.
I guess we just take each day as it comes; pray for peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
bird13, I'm not sure if I can add anything at this point, other than what others already told you.
My XABF also did an spectacle of acting like a real gentleman with another girl (a "friend" of mine, actually) after only a week from the day I broke up with him.
He started gaining weight and looking like (as someone here wrote) he had been sleeping on a bench. My family has seen him drunk, completely unshaved and with greasy hair.
He too has been with multiple woman.
Hey... the anger you're currently feeling is a great sign.
If someone steals your car you won't love them forever, do you? Well, in our case it's the same.
idk if our exes know what they lost... but I know we'll be just fine.
Just be honest with yourself and don't get stuck in anger phase.
"This too shall pass"... take care of yourself.
My XABF also did an spectacle of acting like a real gentleman with another girl (a "friend" of mine, actually) after only a week from the day I broke up with him.
He started gaining weight and looking like (as someone here wrote) he had been sleeping on a bench. My family has seen him drunk, completely unshaved and with greasy hair.
He too has been with multiple woman.
Hey... the anger you're currently feeling is a great sign.
If someone steals your car you won't love them forever, do you? Well, in our case it's the same.
idk if our exes know what they lost... but I know we'll be just fine.
Just be honest with yourself and don't get stuck in anger phase.
"This too shall pass"... take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Man can I relate. It took me 3 years to stop being mad at myself for how stupid I felt for all the CRAP my XAGF did to me. It was ALWAYS my fault, my doing, or from something I did. Heard it enough that I actually believed it enough to seek mental health counseling.
You will get over it, when you start learning how to be good to yourself. Here is an exercise that my therapist used on me. It was super simple to hear yet amazingly hard to do. Wake up tomorrow. Search for and do one thing that makes you happy. If you fail, you repeat the process the next day until you do it. That one simple exercise took me weeks.
You will get over it, when you start learning how to be good to yourself. Here is an exercise that my therapist used on me. It was super simple to hear yet amazingly hard to do. Wake up tomorrow. Search for and do one thing that makes you happy. If you fail, you repeat the process the next day until you do it. That one simple exercise took me weeks.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
Hi Bird...your situation both pre break-up and post break up is almost identical too mine...scarringly similar!!!! I'm right there with you...feel every emotion and I am so sorry for your temporary rage. This is the third time around for me..tried twice before to severe ties but got sucked back in. Two things have helped me this last time to process the resentment and anger........
The actions that make you so angry are just a manifestation of this awful terrible disease. Don't allow yourself to get stuck being SO angry at someone who is SO SICK and incapable of better!! Your sick xabf will only hurt another even if she is a supermodel!!!
Be angry at yourself for a moment for allowing this sick person who hurts, lies, and cheats into your life. Taking a little accountability helps you obsess about him a little less. You are stronger, smarter, and healthier now and you are working on you!!!
Lots of HUGS
The actions that make you so angry are just a manifestation of this awful terrible disease. Don't allow yourself to get stuck being SO angry at someone who is SO SICK and incapable of better!! Your sick xabf will only hurt another even if she is a supermodel!!!
Be angry at yourself for a moment for allowing this sick person who hurts, lies, and cheats into your life. Taking a little accountability helps you obsess about him a little less. You are stronger, smarter, and healthier now and you are working on you!!!
Lots of HUGS
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
Hi Bird...your situation both pre break-up and post break up is almost identical too mine...scarringly similar!!!! I'm right there with you...feel every emotion and I am so sorry for your temporary rage. This is the third time around for me..tried twice before to severe ties but got sucked back in. Two things have helped me this last time to process the resentment and anger........
The actions that make you so angry are just a manifestation of this awful terrible disease. Don't allow yourself to get stuck being SO angry at someone who is SO SICK and incapable of better!! Your sick xabf will only hurt another even if she is a supermodel!!!
Be angry at yourself for JUST a MOMENT for allowing this sick person who hurts, lies, and cheats into your life. Taking a little accountability helps you obsess about him a little less. You are stronger, smarter, and healthier now and you are working on you!!! Getting rid of the resentment and anger feels great and you are well on your way!!!
Lots of HUGS
The actions that make you so angry are just a manifestation of this awful terrible disease. Don't allow yourself to get stuck being SO angry at someone who is SO SICK and incapable of better!! Your sick xabf will only hurt another even if she is a supermodel!!!
Be angry at yourself for JUST a MOMENT for allowing this sick person who hurts, lies, and cheats into your life. Taking a little accountability helps you obsess about him a little less. You are stronger, smarter, and healthier now and you are working on you!!! Getting rid of the resentment and anger feels great and you are well on your way!!!
Lots of HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 23
[/QUOTE]
Today I am angry. Resentful. Disgusted feeling like he got away with murder, lies, cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation, and came out looking "okay" on the other side while I am the crazy ex girlfriend who is a bad person and left him.
You're not the crazy ex girlfriend who left him. I told my ex AC bf that he didn't drive me crazy...he drove me away. Likewise, youre ex drove you away. They are now f ee to do whatever crazy nonsense they have been doing. You and I are free to exhale and live a full life.
Today I am angry. Resentful. Disgusted feeling like he got away with murder, lies, cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation, and came out looking "okay" on the other side while I am the crazy ex girlfriend who is a bad person and left him.
You're not the crazy ex girlfriend who left him. I told my ex AC bf that he didn't drive me crazy...he drove me away. Likewise, youre ex drove you away. They are now f ee to do whatever crazy nonsense they have been doing. You and I are free to exhale and live a full life.
Last edited by Txdude229; 12-29-2014 at 11:32 PM. Reason: Typo
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