62 days and a lot on my mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 69
62 days and a lot on my mind.
Before I get into the nitty gritty details, I have to mention that I hit the 60-day mark on Black Friday. I was very happy about that. It turned out to be a bright spot in what was an otherwise very challenging week.
First, some minutiae. I took my car in for what I thought would be a minor heating repair (couple hundred dollars at most, perhaps?). I got much worse news than I expected. There was actually an issue with the head gasket, which needed replacing, so the bill was closer to $1500. Although I could use some extra money (who couldn't?), I'm not in financial distress, so even that could have been dealt with under normal circumstances.
However, right around the same time, I came down with the respiratory illness from hell. This was not a typical, 3-to-4-day virus with coughing, sneezing, and runny nose. It was more like a deep chest congestion with shortness of breath, dizziness, constant fatigue, malaise, aches and pains, just overall crappiness for 5 straight days. I was in bed most of the week...which gave me plenty of time to be inside my own head, which is not known to be a good thing for me...
And it just so happened that as I lay there on Thanksgiving, thinking of all the happy families out there celebrating under the same roof, or if at a distance, perhaps calling each other to give well wishes, I thought of my own broken family. I thought of how our screwed-up idea of "love" during the holidays meant sending a one-sentence text message in lieu of a genuine, heartfelt phone call. I thought about the blood relatives who could barely lift a finger to come see our family - not even me, but at least my kids - their own grandkids, or for my siblings, their niece and nephew. They don't even care enough to come see where I live and I've been here for six years now. (Granted, I am several states away, but you'd think at least once in six years they could get in a plane or take a road trip to see their own immediate family.) I thought of all the history between us and how it led me to alcoholism and mental health issues in the first place. I wished things were different. And on and on, the thoughts went.
I fell into a bit of a depression. On the other hand, I guess you could say I was simply sick and feeling sorry for myself.
Winter hit early here in the midwestern U.S., so that doesn't really help matters, either.
Today I felt well enough to go on shopping trip with the wife and kids, but my dear spouse was on my nerves, and the kids, well...you can probably guess how they acted after being cooped up in the house for a few days.
The whole way home, I came very, *very* close to making a decision I know I would have regretted. I even planned out what I was going to drink and how I was going to do it. Relapse was right on my doorstep and I nearly caved.
Once I got home, I instead fixed a snack (yay! We had fresh groceries!) and put my ear buds in to enjoy some music. I followed that up by doing some laundry.
Glad to say I am still sober and looking at day 63 tomorrow. There was a half-hour where I really didn't know if I would make it.
I am somewhat recovered from the respiratory bug and will be bundling up with some hot tea very shortly.
This was the first really close call I've had in sobriety and it rattled me a bit.
First, some minutiae. I took my car in for what I thought would be a minor heating repair (couple hundred dollars at most, perhaps?). I got much worse news than I expected. There was actually an issue with the head gasket, which needed replacing, so the bill was closer to $1500. Although I could use some extra money (who couldn't?), I'm not in financial distress, so even that could have been dealt with under normal circumstances.
However, right around the same time, I came down with the respiratory illness from hell. This was not a typical, 3-to-4-day virus with coughing, sneezing, and runny nose. It was more like a deep chest congestion with shortness of breath, dizziness, constant fatigue, malaise, aches and pains, just overall crappiness for 5 straight days. I was in bed most of the week...which gave me plenty of time to be inside my own head, which is not known to be a good thing for me...
And it just so happened that as I lay there on Thanksgiving, thinking of all the happy families out there celebrating under the same roof, or if at a distance, perhaps calling each other to give well wishes, I thought of my own broken family. I thought of how our screwed-up idea of "love" during the holidays meant sending a one-sentence text message in lieu of a genuine, heartfelt phone call. I thought about the blood relatives who could barely lift a finger to come see our family - not even me, but at least my kids - their own grandkids, or for my siblings, their niece and nephew. They don't even care enough to come see where I live and I've been here for six years now. (Granted, I am several states away, but you'd think at least once in six years they could get in a plane or take a road trip to see their own immediate family.) I thought of all the history between us and how it led me to alcoholism and mental health issues in the first place. I wished things were different. And on and on, the thoughts went.
I fell into a bit of a depression. On the other hand, I guess you could say I was simply sick and feeling sorry for myself.
Winter hit early here in the midwestern U.S., so that doesn't really help matters, either.
Today I felt well enough to go on shopping trip with the wife and kids, but my dear spouse was on my nerves, and the kids, well...you can probably guess how they acted after being cooped up in the house for a few days.
The whole way home, I came very, *very* close to making a decision I know I would have regretted. I even planned out what I was going to drink and how I was going to do it. Relapse was right on my doorstep and I nearly caved.
Once I got home, I instead fixed a snack (yay! We had fresh groceries!) and put my ear buds in to enjoy some music. I followed that up by doing some laundry.
Glad to say I am still sober and looking at day 63 tomorrow. There was a half-hour where I really didn't know if I would make it.
I am somewhat recovered from the respiratory bug and will be bundling up with some hot tea very shortly.
This was the first really close call I've had in sobriety and it rattled me a bit.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Glad you didn't pick up! Urges pass, and being sober - especially with your family nearby, is so worth it!!!
Just think how great a sober Christmas morning will be......I can't wait
In new sobriety, I feel like scrooge on Christmas morning as he yells out the window. Boy, what day is it .......Christmas! oh good, I didn't miss it!!!!
That is how I feel about sobriety and the potential my new life has.....I didn't miss it!!!
Keep posting, friend!
Together we stay sober
FlyN
Just think how great a sober Christmas morning will be......I can't wait
In new sobriety, I feel like scrooge on Christmas morning as he yells out the window. Boy, what day is it .......Christmas! oh good, I didn't miss it!!!!
That is how I feel about sobriety and the potential my new life has.....I didn't miss it!!!
Keep posting, friend!
Together we stay sober
FlyN
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 122
Hello 5K,
Proud of you, you worked through it. In our early days of sobriety there are many such "tests" and you handled that one with flying colors. Life will continue to throw crap at us, and the longer we have been dealing with it by drinking, the harder it is to relearn new ways to cope. Our sobriety is very precious, which is why we need to guard that first and foremost, we deserve the joy that comes from living our life addiction free.
Congratulations on 63 days, that is huge! Not sure what else you are doing for yourself but posting here was also very smart. We have all been through the "tests" and alcohol is powerful, cunning, baffling and very patient. Thanks for your post, wishing you the best! Well done!
Proud of you, you worked through it. In our early days of sobriety there are many such "tests" and you handled that one with flying colors. Life will continue to throw crap at us, and the longer we have been dealing with it by drinking, the harder it is to relearn new ways to cope. Our sobriety is very precious, which is why we need to guard that first and foremost, we deserve the joy that comes from living our life addiction free.
Congratulations on 63 days, that is huge! Not sure what else you are doing for yourself but posting here was also very smart. We have all been through the "tests" and alcohol is powerful, cunning, baffling and very patient. Thanks for your post, wishing you the best! Well done!
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey 5KRunner-
I just wanted to say that I am glad to see that you were able to keep it together with the temptations. When I started to read your post, I had the feeling it was going to segue into something not too good. I could sense how close things actually got from your text style, so I'm glad that everything turned out fine.
From reading some of your other posts, I can also venture a guess on how pissed you'd be at yourself had you slipped. At least that's my read. I've had some 'thoughts' myself, and one of the main reasons I have not slipped is because of how I know I'd feel the next day. Very disappointed would be an understatement.
Way to stay strong!
Lusher
PS- Hope that bug hits the road soon!
I just wanted to say that I am glad to see that you were able to keep it together with the temptations. When I started to read your post, I had the feeling it was going to segue into something not too good. I could sense how close things actually got from your text style, so I'm glad that everything turned out fine.
From reading some of your other posts, I can also venture a guess on how pissed you'd be at yourself had you slipped. At least that's my read. I've had some 'thoughts' myself, and one of the main reasons I have not slipped is because of how I know I'd feel the next day. Very disappointed would be an understatement.
Way to stay strong!
Lusher
PS- Hope that bug hits the road soon!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Glad to hear you resisted any urges 5K
I know exactly what your thinking is on the family not making it out your way in all this time to see you, the wife and kids. it does sting.
My own parents have not seen any of our kids. Not once since they were born. All these years now not so much as a visit to see any of us. For a long time I really did think it was because perhaps I might have been a bad person, something I did or not do.
The kids are growing up and they missed it all.
But you know what? That was not the case. I have a great family here and my wife's side visits all the time. We have made our own close family that celebrates all the special occasions and not a second thought is given to my parents missing out.
They are not worth the trouble and any thoughts given is a complete waste of energy.
Energy that is best spent on the people who do matter in ones life
Enjoy your kids, wife and friends during this holiday season. That is what matters.
I know exactly what your thinking is on the family not making it out your way in all this time to see you, the wife and kids. it does sting.
My own parents have not seen any of our kids. Not once since they were born. All these years now not so much as a visit to see any of us. For a long time I really did think it was because perhaps I might have been a bad person, something I did or not do.
The kids are growing up and they missed it all.
But you know what? That was not the case. I have a great family here and my wife's side visits all the time. We have made our own close family that celebrates all the special occasions and not a second thought is given to my parents missing out.
They are not worth the trouble and any thoughts given is a complete waste of energy.
Energy that is best spent on the people who do matter in ones life
Enjoy your kids, wife and friends during this holiday season. That is what matters.
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