Old habits
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Old habits
I have been sober since July 12th 2014.
I find dealing with my mother very difficult and I have written about her here before.
She arrived home today from a very long vacation and I have not seen her for a few months. I will be truthful: I did not miss her at all. People have remarked to me over the past few months that I have changed and become more lively. I have thought about this, and why wouldn't I? The main source of stress in my life was living in a different country. When someone calls you a loser and puts you down at every turn, it eats away at your soul.
Tomorrow I start my new job. I was very excited about it. My mother just called me from their house right now (I am in bed as I have to get up early) and asked "have you been drinking tonight?"
She does something to my soul. A blackness has descended over me. I told her I think she is a bully. I am an alcoholic so I have no right to say anything but she can bully me under the guise of being "worried". I am making plans to go travelling next summer and the response was "you are not able to travel on your own".
I had made a lot of progress, and after just one brief evening, I can feel myself slipping back. I have changed. I don't know why I expected her to be different.
I find dealing with my mother very difficult and I have written about her here before.
She arrived home today from a very long vacation and I have not seen her for a few months. I will be truthful: I did not miss her at all. People have remarked to me over the past few months that I have changed and become more lively. I have thought about this, and why wouldn't I? The main source of stress in my life was living in a different country. When someone calls you a loser and puts you down at every turn, it eats away at your soul.
Tomorrow I start my new job. I was very excited about it. My mother just called me from their house right now (I am in bed as I have to get up early) and asked "have you been drinking tonight?"
She does something to my soul. A blackness has descended over me. I told her I think she is a bully. I am an alcoholic so I have no right to say anything but she can bully me under the guise of being "worried". I am making plans to go travelling next summer and the response was "you are not able to travel on your own".
I had made a lot of progress, and after just one brief evening, I can feel myself slipping back. I have changed. I don't know why I expected her to be different.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Tetra you are not your mother's comments. If necessary you could block your mother's calls but perhaps a simpler thing would be to let them go to your answering service and return them if and when you want to.
You have changed, you are livelier, you are successfully sober, you are not your mother's comments. You are not slipping back, you have been reminded of your mother's behaviour.
Go forward to your new job with confidence. I'm looking forward to hearing about your travelling plans for the summer!
You have changed, you are livelier, you are successfully sober, you are not your mother's comments. You are not slipping back, you have been reminded of your mother's behaviour.
Go forward to your new job with confidence. I'm looking forward to hearing about your travelling plans for the summer!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Tetra, I have suggested before that you detach yourself from your mother.
She is toxic to you. You said that you do better without her in your life.
Please take care of yourself.
She is toxic to you. You said that you do better without her in your life.
Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
I commend you for the growth you
have made in recovery so far. That
is such a HUGE Accomplishment in
recovery.
There are people around us, whether
it be family, friends, bosses, etc, that
really know how to push our buttons.
Maybe they know exactly what they
are doing, in fact I know they know.
But do they care? I doubt it.
It's just in their nature to make others
around them just as miserable as they
are.
I know I shouldn't take others inventory
especially when I don't know them personally,
but I did know many of them in my lifetime
that were truly bullies. Not only were they
my siblings, but also school mates, people
I worked with and the one that started it all,
none other than my own mom, so sad to say.
I no longer communicate with her or any
other bullies in my life, because I stand
strong in taking care of me and not let all
toxic people ruffle my feathers.
Because I learned in recovery what to
do to take care of me, I am free of them.
Today they no longer rent free in my
thoughts, mind, heart and soul. They
are in the Hands of the Man above so
the weight of resentments is not heavy
on my shoulders any longer.
LET GO and LET GOD of your understanding.
have made in recovery so far. That
is such a HUGE Accomplishment in
recovery.
There are people around us, whether
it be family, friends, bosses, etc, that
really know how to push our buttons.
Maybe they know exactly what they
are doing, in fact I know they know.
But do they care? I doubt it.
It's just in their nature to make others
around them just as miserable as they
are.
I know I shouldn't take others inventory
especially when I don't know them personally,
but I did know many of them in my lifetime
that were truly bullies. Not only were they
my siblings, but also school mates, people
I worked with and the one that started it all,
none other than my own mom, so sad to say.
I no longer communicate with her or any
other bullies in my life, because I stand
strong in taking care of me and not let all
toxic people ruffle my feathers.
Because I learned in recovery what to
do to take care of me, I am free of them.
Today they no longer rent free in my
thoughts, mind, heart and soul. They
are in the Hands of the Man above so
the weight of resentments is not heavy
on my shoulders any longer.
LET GO and LET GOD of your understanding.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
She is toxic. You must set boundaries for yourself. And you don't lose the right to your own feelings and opinions because you are an alcoholic. That does not make her ( a narcissist, perhaps?) any better than you.
Live your life on your terms and be the best you can. Go where you are celebrated. You don't deserve to be bullied because you are an alcoholic.
Live your life on your terms and be the best you can. Go where you are celebrated. You don't deserve to be bullied because you are an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Tetra…I have had years of counseling to deal with a similar type of mother. My mother is a bully too. And it was finally this truth that allowed me to unravel and understand so much about my own behaviors and reactions.
Something that was uncomfortable to realize was that my success, in anything, was viewed as a threat to my mother. She never misses an opportunity to slip in a snide remark when we are in a group about how I was such a difficult child.
I moved away from home when I was 18 and never went back. I have been able to build a very happy life for myself.
One of the most difficult issues I dealt with is dealing with others. People who don't understand, or who have grown up with decent parents can't really understand the fact that a person can be a mother yet harm her children. There are some very good books about toxic mothers. They were especially helpful to me because they gave me the validation that was denied me for so many years.
I have finally learned to stop going to a well that is dry. I see her for who she is, but I am not responsible for fixing her. And letting her hurt me more isn't going to fix either one of us. So I have made the difficult decision to work on what I can control, my own life. Sadly, she is not longer a very big part of it. I can't save her, but I have saved myself. And I now know I deserve to be happy.
Something that was uncomfortable to realize was that my success, in anything, was viewed as a threat to my mother. She never misses an opportunity to slip in a snide remark when we are in a group about how I was such a difficult child.
I moved away from home when I was 18 and never went back. I have been able to build a very happy life for myself.
One of the most difficult issues I dealt with is dealing with others. People who don't understand, or who have grown up with decent parents can't really understand the fact that a person can be a mother yet harm her children. There are some very good books about toxic mothers. They were especially helpful to me because they gave me the validation that was denied me for so many years.
I have finally learned to stop going to a well that is dry. I see her for who she is, but I am not responsible for fixing her. And letting her hurt me more isn't going to fix either one of us. So I have made the difficult decision to work on what I can control, my own life. Sadly, she is not longer a very big part of it. I can't save her, but I have saved myself. And I now know I deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
My mom can be like that, too. My brother-in-law and I call her "helicopter mom". I've had to talk down hard to her when she involves my Sobriety or uses the past against me. I've made it very clear to her that she can't win this battle. She is more pleasent to be around now and knows I won't tolerate her ****. Sometimes, even parents need to know their place. Good luck at your job 
Bunnez
Bunnez
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I've read about your mother before, Tetra. Do not let that woman live in your head. Like Anna said, detach. If you can live elsewhere, do so. She is toxic, who knows why but people like that are only happy when everyone else is as miserable as they are. Congrats on the job, btw!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
You shouldn't have to put up with being treated that way. Don't let your mothers negative comments overshadow what you have worked so hard for (your new job). Best wishes! I think you are doing great!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Tetra, your Mum is ....well, I better edit that comment!
Congrats on the Job. That is huge.
I'd be ending conversations with your mother the minute they get stressful. Or, simply tell her, that every comment she makes is negative and you don't need or want to be treated like that anymore.
Congrats on the Job. That is huge.
I'd be ending conversations with your mother the minute they get stressful. Or, simply tell her, that every comment she makes is negative and you don't need or want to be treated like that anymore.
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