How I relapsed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
How I relapsed
Its been awhile since Ive been reading here and stayed quiet. Guess I figure its best not to post when still drinking and smoking tweeds. I dont think I ever really posted how I relapsed back in August or September of last year. I want to write this before I clean up my act sometime.
I had gotten sober in December 2012 and felt great. Overconfident sometimes and intellectually thought I had recovery licked. I did the AA meetings and posted a bunch here. Life was changing but I didnt know how. There were still issues with my wife and at work to sort out.
Around August and 8 months dry I lay at my house one night alone. I wanted to get high so I grabbed a percocet out of the medicine cabinet and popped it. I felt wonderful. The next few hours were bliss. Pills were never my DOC so that pill was the only one Ive had.
Within a few weeks I started smoking green again. I told my wife and she was ok with it. I would smoke on weekends, like as a treat before I mowed the lawn or whatever.
That month I got word my wife was pregnant again. I was emotionally tornadoed. In every way I lost control of my emotions inside. Mostly with fear.
Within a few weeks I had talked myself into picking up a drink again. Despite the warnings of the wise individuals here. I started and have been drinking mostly moderately since. Its been more than a year. I reached 30 days once this year.
Through this Ive learned a lot. Ive been lucky. My life has gone mostly well at work. My relationship has strangely been better than ever. We have a healthy and happy baby boy.
What I have found though is that my addiction is an inside job. I have managed it well but its slowly eroding me away. I have every excuse in the book. Reasons to doubt being a true alcoholic. Whatever.
I know this situation with my drinking will not work like it has forever. Just trying to stir up the courage 2 take the plunge back into sober land.
Hope fully soon.
I had gotten sober in December 2012 and felt great. Overconfident sometimes and intellectually thought I had recovery licked. I did the AA meetings and posted a bunch here. Life was changing but I didnt know how. There were still issues with my wife and at work to sort out.
Around August and 8 months dry I lay at my house one night alone. I wanted to get high so I grabbed a percocet out of the medicine cabinet and popped it. I felt wonderful. The next few hours were bliss. Pills were never my DOC so that pill was the only one Ive had.
Within a few weeks I started smoking green again. I told my wife and she was ok with it. I would smoke on weekends, like as a treat before I mowed the lawn or whatever.
That month I got word my wife was pregnant again. I was emotionally tornadoed. In every way I lost control of my emotions inside. Mostly with fear.
Within a few weeks I had talked myself into picking up a drink again. Despite the warnings of the wise individuals here. I started and have been drinking mostly moderately since. Its been more than a year. I reached 30 days once this year.
Through this Ive learned a lot. Ive been lucky. My life has gone mostly well at work. My relationship has strangely been better than ever. We have a healthy and happy baby boy.
What I have found though is that my addiction is an inside job. I have managed it well but its slowly eroding me away. I have every excuse in the book. Reasons to doubt being a true alcoholic. Whatever.
I know this situation with my drinking will not work like it has forever. Just trying to stir up the courage 2 take the plunge back into sober land.
Hope fully soon.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Fallow. My kids were a big reason for me finally getting sober too, hope you can find the courage to quit the lies and excuses ( to yourself ) and make the changes necessary. SR is here when you are ready.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You can always wait for a DUI, divorce, liver failure, life threatening accident arrest.... The possibilities are endless for someone in active addiction. The problem is none of them are good. Or you can choose to get your life back by quitting all mind altering substances.
You have done it before and you can do it again. For me I needed the help of others and I found it in AA
You have done it before and you can do it again. For me I needed the help of others and I found it in AA
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
“Through this Ive learned a lot. Ive been lucky. My life has gone mostly well at work. My relationship has strangely been better than ever. We have a healthy and happy baby boy.”
That can change in a heartbeat when actively drinking.
I don’t know if you heard that alcoholism is progressive even when we don’t consume it for years. It’s also said to be cunning, powerful and baffling for good reason.
Yes we can play games in our head about “tricks” we can use so we can drink but extremely seldom do the work for an alcoholic for a period of time.
The old adage “the first drink gets us drunk” is about 100% accurate. There are still many that try to disprove that and are passed.
BE WELL
That can change in a heartbeat when actively drinking.
I don’t know if you heard that alcoholism is progressive even when we don’t consume it for years. It’s also said to be cunning, powerful and baffling for good reason.
Yes we can play games in our head about “tricks” we can use so we can drink but extremely seldom do the work for an alcoholic for a period of time.
The old adage “the first drink gets us drunk” is about 100% accurate. There are still many that try to disprove that and are passed.
BE WELL
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I am certainly happy to hear from you Fallow. We are from the same SR "era" if there is such a thing.
I have never known you not to be somewhat of a realist. Nothing has changed that way for you. At least you know what is coming and what will need to be addressed.
Thing about how I can relate is that I did very much the same. How long can I keep doing this until.... I had no idea what "until" was but I was confident I would see it coming and in enough time to handle it. I am smart. I see things others don't. I have resources.
Until can be small for some or large. I had my until moment and it changed me forever. The thought of that event/time still strikes so much fear in me.
If I could go back and stop when I knew I should have I wish I could. No need for your until moment. You may not be happy with the trade off.
Again... Good to see you! Please post more. Include us in updates and allow us to give support when we can.
Post through the pain, not around it.
Ken
I have never known you not to be somewhat of a realist. Nothing has changed that way for you. At least you know what is coming and what will need to be addressed.
Thing about how I can relate is that I did very much the same. How long can I keep doing this until.... I had no idea what "until" was but I was confident I would see it coming and in enough time to handle it. I am smart. I see things others don't. I have resources.
Until can be small for some or large. I had my until moment and it changed me forever. The thought of that event/time still strikes so much fear in me.
If I could go back and stop when I knew I should have I wish I could. No need for your until moment. You may not be happy with the trade off.
Again... Good to see you! Please post more. Include us in updates and allow us to give support when we can.
Post through the pain, not around it.
Ken
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
It's good to see you back Fallow. I often think of you.
Whilst it sounds like you are just holding on this isn't a long term successful plan. I hope you soon realize that being sober offers a much better option and a better life for both you and your family.
It sounds like a bit of struggle to keep everything under some sort of control. It doesn't need to be like this. I hope you decide to make today your day 1. You did it before in December-why not do it again now?
Whilst it sounds like you are just holding on this isn't a long term successful plan. I hope you soon realize that being sober offers a much better option and a better life for both you and your family.
It sounds like a bit of struggle to keep everything under some sort of control. It doesn't need to be like this. I hope you decide to make today your day 1. You did it before in December-why not do it again now?
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I'm pretty sure you already understand emotionally and intellectually that the danger we share is the "bliss" and "reward" aspect we feel toward intoxication. For me the problem was how much I enjoyed it and wanted it, but it only lasts while it lasts. How long or when that enjoyment becomes our prime motivator, and what are we willing to pay to have it?
There is just too much baggage that comes from trying to be intoxicated as much or when you want to. For me I came to the realization that at some point it was either commit to chasing intoxication , or stop, no middle ground. Emotionally I felt I deserved it some level, but intellectually it was a harder case to make.
Intoxication only lasts as long it lasts, the question for me was how much , or long, I wanted it to last. I've found I don't miss what I don't have nearly as much as I know what having it would cost.
There is just too much baggage that comes from trying to be intoxicated as much or when you want to. For me I came to the realization that at some point it was either commit to chasing intoxication , or stop, no middle ground. Emotionally I felt I deserved it some level, but intellectually it was a harder case to make.
Intoxication only lasts as long it lasts, the question for me was how much , or long, I wanted it to last. I've found I don't miss what I don't have nearly as much as I know what having it would cost.
Alexander Supertramp :)
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 148
Don't procrastinate on something that WILL destroy your life. Do you enjoy you wife and son. Keep drinking and I am willing to bet you will only be seeing them every other weekend or worse. Time to man up, wish I was told this advice 20years ago.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hi Fallow
Congratulations on your new precious little life.
Glad you are thinking about taking the plunge.
Please don't wait until you start losing everything dear to you,, my friend.
Congratulations on your new precious little life.
Glad you are thinking about taking the plunge.
Please don't wait until you start losing everything dear to you,, my friend.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Fallow 
Just trying to stir up the courage 2 take the plunge back into sober land.
Hope fully soon.
Hope fully soon.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Honest and from the heart.......
You are me 20 years ago. My son is now 18 years old, youngest of three kids. I will never be able to truly measure what of myself was stolen from them as they grew up.
It wasn't always really, really bad - but how much BETTER could their lives have been with me sober?? We will never know......
In hindsight I now realize how selfish I was. Kid's are a huge blessing, and I have come to understand we are simply stewards of them. I don't live with regret daily, but maybe putting this thought in your head might wake you up sooner than it did me.
175 days sober.....
Kind Regards,
FlyN
You are me 20 years ago. My son is now 18 years old, youngest of three kids. I will never be able to truly measure what of myself was stolen from them as they grew up.
It wasn't always really, really bad - but how much BETTER could their lives have been with me sober?? We will never know......
In hindsight I now realize how selfish I was. Kid's are a huge blessing, and I have come to understand we are simply stewards of them. I don't live with regret daily, but maybe putting this thought in your head might wake you up sooner than it did me.
175 days sober.....
Kind Regards,
FlyN
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Don't take this wrong. You are doing exactly what it takes to get "there". I had to drink myself to submission. Some don't. Honest research is the only way to know for sure (maybe pick a date in a year or so to do an honest assessment?) Keep us posted and best wishes on a happy, productive life.
Re-Tread
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Why not start now?
Addiction ambivalence. Do not think I have to yet. Still enjoy some aspects of drinking...
It is me coveting the great aspects of sobriety too though that keeps me around.
Some times I wish I would have not been exposed to AA or SR because every once in awhile if I am hanging over I always jump back to thinking of abstinence but 95 percent of the time I am like normal drinkers. I guess if Id had a low bottom or lost everything or really anything, I figure my decision would be easier. Probably not though.
I also know that I am not going back the AA route. My own family would rather have me at home with drink in hand than at a meeting etc.
The answer is just quit obviously.
I appreciate all your responses and the welcome back.
My first goal is to post here regularly.
Addiction ambivalence. Do not think I have to yet. Still enjoy some aspects of drinking...
It is me coveting the great aspects of sobriety too though that keeps me around.
Some times I wish I would have not been exposed to AA or SR because every once in awhile if I am hanging over I always jump back to thinking of abstinence but 95 percent of the time I am like normal drinkers. I guess if Id had a low bottom or lost everything or really anything, I figure my decision would be easier. Probably not though.
I also know that I am not going back the AA route. My own family would rather have me at home with drink in hand than at a meeting etc.
The answer is just quit obviously.
I appreciate all your responses and the welcome back.
My first goal is to post here regularly.
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