Setting boundaries with drunk Mommy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WV
Posts: 12
Setting boundaries with drunk Mommy
Hello 
Finally had the best aha moment in my 30 years of dealing with a drunk mother. I am 30 years old and she has drank since before I was born including when she was pregnant for me. I realize how lucky I am to have come out semi normal with no known fetal alcohol effects THANK GOD! Unfortunately alcohol takes its toll on you no matter how strong or smart you may be. I am the only child and my mom was a single parent. She credits herself with every achievement I have made though I know better I raised myself along with help from my grandmother (her mom) without her who knows how much worse things would have been/be. Grandma was an alcoholic herself not nearly as bad as mom though and she didn't know what to do to help her so she basically got me when mom would allow it (I wish my mom would have just gave me to her or my wonderful aunt) but enabled her the whole way also. Grandma passed away four years ago
my mother when sober (which has been RARE were talking a few months total in thirty years ) is a kind,intelligent, funny woman. But drunk mom is manipulative, chaotic, abusive, belligerent, all the things that most drunks are. I have known for years that she makes me feel guilty though she will deny this bc she has always told me it is in no wayy fault but says and does things to the contrary. Always blames anyone but herself-my father for causing her to be on welfare and singles parent , my grandmother for drinking although not until she and my aunts were in high school, and my grandmother again bc she died --can't believe she has faulted my grandmother twice in life and death wow...she makes me feel guilty as if I can save her . Believe me I have tried all ways known to man went above and beyond helped her to get into rehab three times (she's been in 4 times past two years) while she knows she needs and help and sometimes seems to want it she does absolutely nothing in terms of continiued treatment once out of treatment . I think the dope they give her to not feel sick is enough to substitute the alcohol and then once home and out of scripts she refuses to go to dr therapy or aa. I have let her live with my then fiancé and I when she was out of rehab first time but as soon as someone isn't watching and holding her hand she drinks again and again and again!! In married now and just moved into new home it has been about 2years since moms last rehab. She was calling me 3-4x s daily and I felt badly if I didn't answer but worse when I did.she would consistently say nasty things about my husband. anything I would tell her we were doing she had some berating comment about it. I.e we were working on our truck and she says it's 23degrees out why do u have to outside with him he's the mechanic....installing h2o system another day she says how many of you can fit under the sink? ....carrying chairs to put away for winter she says your the man!!..and those are mild "digs" bc she has told me time and again that I married the fat loser of the family (my hubby has 3 bros) I have asked her nicely,nastily, and every way in between to stop talking about my husband she feels that she will say what she wants when she wants and knows what she knows lol. So finally I cut ties with the bitch. I woke her up out of bed knowing that was only small window without active drinking (she drinks upon rising daily) and had a letter I read some of it until she said she didn't want to hear that **** and I was being dramatic etc..she was shocked and told me that she knew I would find a way for her to not be invited to thanksgiving dinner at our house ..another attempt to make me feel guilty but I said there will always be a holiday etc around the corner (ironically the cut off day was my deceased grandmas birthday I hope she would be proud but I had no thought or intention of what day it was or what holiday was coming up I WAS FED UP !!) before I stormed out I said do you know what I have wanted for every holiday for thirty years? A sober mother and do you know what I got? Nothing but a f$&@ing drunk!! Didn't want to get nasty but everyone has a breaking point.glad I wrote the letter bc it reiterated how I am doing this for me and I'm not mad at her and she's welcome at my home when sober and I love her but have to respect myself etc...bc it's easy to start feeling sorry for her but I can't do that anymore bc she is making me sick so much stress ...LIVING/DEALING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC IS LIKE HAVING AN ENDLESS CONVERSTION WITH THR MAD HATTER!! I read this and wow so true!! i know now that I can only control my life it's the only one I can run rule or ruin wish I had read all of this years ago but better late than never!! I pray for all of us on this crazy scary path and look forward to each day with my new ways of thinking and with God I know I can persevere!! God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! Love and God bless you all
Finally had the best aha moment in my 30 years of dealing with a drunk mother. I am 30 years old and she has drank since before I was born including when she was pregnant for me. I realize how lucky I am to have come out semi normal with no known fetal alcohol effects THANK GOD! Unfortunately alcohol takes its toll on you no matter how strong or smart you may be. I am the only child and my mom was a single parent. She credits herself with every achievement I have made though I know better I raised myself along with help from my grandmother (her mom) without her who knows how much worse things would have been/be. Grandma was an alcoholic herself not nearly as bad as mom though and she didn't know what to do to help her so she basically got me when mom would allow it (I wish my mom would have just gave me to her or my wonderful aunt) but enabled her the whole way also. Grandma passed away four years ago
my mother when sober (which has been RARE were talking a few months total in thirty years ) is a kind,intelligent, funny woman. But drunk mom is manipulative, chaotic, abusive, belligerent, all the things that most drunks are. I have known for years that she makes me feel guilty though she will deny this bc she has always told me it is in no wayy fault but says and does things to the contrary. Always blames anyone but herself-my father for causing her to be on welfare and singles parent , my grandmother for drinking although not until she and my aunts were in high school, and my grandmother again bc she died --can't believe she has faulted my grandmother twice in life and death wow...she makes me feel guilty as if I can save her . Believe me I have tried all ways known to man went above and beyond helped her to get into rehab three times (she's been in 4 times past two years) while she knows she needs and help and sometimes seems to want it she does absolutely nothing in terms of continiued treatment once out of treatment . I think the dope they give her to not feel sick is enough to substitute the alcohol and then once home and out of scripts she refuses to go to dr therapy or aa. I have let her live with my then fiancé and I when she was out of rehab first time but as soon as someone isn't watching and holding her hand she drinks again and again and again!! In married now and just moved into new home it has been about 2years since moms last rehab. She was calling me 3-4x s daily and I felt badly if I didn't answer but worse when I did.she would consistently say nasty things about my husband. anything I would tell her we were doing she had some berating comment about it. I.e we were working on our truck and she says it's 23degrees out why do u have to outside with him he's the mechanic....installing h2o system another day she says how many of you can fit under the sink? ....carrying chairs to put away for winter she says your the man!!..and those are mild "digs" bc she has told me time and again that I married the fat loser of the family (my hubby has 3 bros) I have asked her nicely,nastily, and every way in between to stop talking about my husband she feels that she will say what she wants when she wants and knows what she knows lol. So finally I cut ties with the bitch. I woke her up out of bed knowing that was only small window without active drinking (she drinks upon rising daily) and had a letter I read some of it until she said she didn't want to hear that **** and I was being dramatic etc..she was shocked and told me that she knew I would find a way for her to not be invited to thanksgiving dinner at our house ..another attempt to make me feel guilty but I said there will always be a holiday etc around the corner (ironically the cut off day was my deceased grandmas birthday I hope she would be proud but I had no thought or intention of what day it was or what holiday was coming up I WAS FED UP !!) before I stormed out I said do you know what I have wanted for every holiday for thirty years? A sober mother and do you know what I got? Nothing but a f$&@ing drunk!! Didn't want to get nasty but everyone has a breaking point.glad I wrote the letter bc it reiterated how I am doing this for me and I'm not mad at her and she's welcome at my home when sober and I love her but have to respect myself etc...bc it's easy to start feeling sorry for her but I can't do that anymore bc she is making me sick so much stress ...LIVING/DEALING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC IS LIKE HAVING AN ENDLESS CONVERSTION WITH THR MAD HATTER!! I read this and wow so true!! i know now that I can only control my life it's the only one I can run rule or ruin wish I had read all of this years ago but better late than never!! I pray for all of us on this crazy scary path and look forward to each day with my new ways of thinking and with God I know I can persevere!! God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! Love and God bless you all 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome, Timetolive!
I can relate to so much of your post. my parents were both A's. So I pretty much understand your feelings. My grandmother helped us countless times, too. Thank God for her.
Glad you posted, and I hope you stick around. There are lots of us here, and we support each other.
You have every right and reason to take care of yourself, and if that means going no contact, or limited contact, then that is what I would do too. Talking to an alcoholic is non productive and we end up feeling worse. We cannot let it ruin our lives , or even our day, if we can help it.
Your mom has had rehab and she knows what she needs to do. I hope she finds her bottom, and decides she wants to live a better life.
If you have not gone to Al-anon, you might want to try it. It helps!
the three c's...
you did not cause it
you cannot control it
and you cannot cure it....
The serenity prayer is wonderful help.
I can relate to so much of your post. my parents were both A's. So I pretty much understand your feelings. My grandmother helped us countless times, too. Thank God for her.
Glad you posted, and I hope you stick around. There are lots of us here, and we support each other.
You have every right and reason to take care of yourself, and if that means going no contact, or limited contact, then that is what I would do too. Talking to an alcoholic is non productive and we end up feeling worse. We cannot let it ruin our lives , or even our day, if we can help it.
Your mom has had rehab and she knows what she needs to do. I hope she finds her bottom, and decides she wants to live a better life.
If you have not gone to Al-anon, you might want to try it. It helps!
the three c's...
you did not cause it
you cannot control it
and you cannot cure it....
The serenity prayer is wonderful help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WV
Posts: 12
After reading some more threads I thought I might add some more history: mother married an 80 year + man a few years back who fully financially supports her she has a debit card to buy her alcohol cigs etc...had me cutting her grass and even volunteered me to cut her husbands grass as he has genuine medical problems with blood pressure. I know the worse thing ppl can do is take over an alcoholics responsibilities and her husband Marvin thinks he is helping her lol. I am guily of enabling her too though since I cut her grass all summer. I told her she should cut his (which is flat hers has a large bank on it which is her excuse) she says she can't start the mower well he can start it for you and u can push it ! He cuts his own even with terrible health and will cut hers too if I don't ..but I guess that's not my problem if they can't cut their own grass then maybe they should pay someone to or move somewhere more reasonable where grass is not an issue. I recently moved into new home and next summer will have own yard etc to tend to and she was already planning for me to do hers also next summer she says it only takes you two hrs every ten days lol the more I see this on paper the crazier i sound wow she only thinks of me when she wants something it's about what I can do for her!! And anytime maintenance needs done at her house she expects my husband (whom she constantly puts down to me only) to do it bc he is handy!! I want to tell her is you need a repair? call a repairman! Have an emergency ? call 9-1-1!! But obviously I still have lingering guilt and feel sorry for her but know in head she gets her booze without any help and if she can afford that then she can afford a lawn person and handy man herself!! She should have married a handyman instead of an old man to use for $$$!!!
but know in head she gets her booze without any help and if she can afford that then she can afford a lawn person and handy man herself!! She should have married a handyman instead of an old man to use for $$$!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Figuring out the difference between helping someone with something they can't handle themselves and enabling them (removing consequences from their life for poor choices/actions) is truly difficult. For me, it's a daily struggle. Do I enable my wife with helping with her student loans? Do I enable when the house is really messy and we can't have people over, and I refuse to clean up after her (or should I help her clean it?). Do I reach out to my mother when she seems to have closed the door on me because I have stood up against the abuse in my life (brother is very controlling, gossipy, etc)?
Daily struggle.
One day at a time.
Daily struggle.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Wow - one of the things I did right before I cut contact with my AM was to provide her a list of phone numbers of people she can call to do her "odd jobs". She can afford it. After looking at the list she said dismissively - Oh I can hire the neighbor to do all that. And yet she was insisting that I do everything for her and she had NO ONE else. So manipulative. This is a good forum, it helps to know I'm not alone. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
BTW the conversation where I told her everything I wanted to also included the first time I have ever set any boundaries with her. My counselor said it was for my own sanity that I needed to tell her I would never buy her alcohol again. She'll find a way to get it, so it's not saving her, but it sure helped me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
