coffee meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Renfrew
Posts: 7
coffee meeting
So my AH left me a few months ago after he got back from rehab, he's been talking to me off and on since then and I have made it pretty clear that Im not giving up on our marriage or him, I went to talk to him one night and told him how I was feeling that all im asking right now is for us to slowly get to know each other again, like start with coffee meeting in public places and see where that leads too. I know he still loves me and our family but like I said is dealing with his recovery right now. Anyways he called me yesterday and wants to meet for coffee with me today, I agreed but now im very nervous and don't know what to say to him, I don't want to push, I think this is a positive step for us, just unsure
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
There is no magic time or clock or calendar. (yeah, I know for the folks that watched me go through this --- geeezzzz.) BUT it can help *us* to sort of create one. That can give your brain some time off to work on you (none of that "we" or "him" stuff in that -- JUST YOU), and get your stuff cleaned up so well that not only are you better, but that so you can really deal with an A.
At any rate -- you say a few months, now. That is pretty common for an A to be whacked for a few months after rehab. In general, it seems six months is the minimum "to allow" and up to around a year to really see WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get -- in older programming terms).
But meanwhile -- you work on YOU. Alanon? Sponsor. Steps. and Here. and Church/God stuff, if that is for you. T for some folks. Do all that and you are going to sort of be too busy to worry much about an A. And either way it comes out -- Him and You, or whatever -- you will come out MUCH better. Promise.
At any rate -- you say a few months, now. That is pretty common for an A to be whacked for a few months after rehab. In general, it seems six months is the minimum "to allow" and up to around a year to really see WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get -- in older programming terms).
But meanwhile -- you work on YOU. Alanon? Sponsor. Steps. and Here. and Church/God stuff, if that is for you. T for some folks. Do all that and you are going to sort of be too busy to worry much about an A. And either way it comes out -- Him and You, or whatever -- you will come out MUCH better. Promise.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The last time you talked to him (that you told us about, anyway) he told you he wanted to move on with his life, without you.
I think you need to keep your expectations very low at this point. He may just want to deliver the same message. I think if I were you, I'd sort of let him take the lead in what he wants to discuss. He's the one who called and asked to meet with you. The ball is in his court right now.
And one other thing, if he is determined to divorce, there isn't anything you can do to stop him. You have the same privilege.
Maybe he DOES want to talk about saving the marriage. But as I said, keep the expectations low.
I think you need to keep your expectations very low at this point. He may just want to deliver the same message. I think if I were you, I'd sort of let him take the lead in what he wants to discuss. He's the one who called and asked to meet with you. The ball is in his court right now.
And one other thing, if he is determined to divorce, there isn't anything you can do to stop him. You have the same privilege.
Maybe he DOES want to talk about saving the marriage. But as I said, keep the expectations low.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
worriedWife....it is hard to tell other people what to talk about in a social conversation!..LOL!
However, I can suggest some "don'ts".
1. Don't talk about alcohol or alcoholism...at all.
2. Don't give him any advice---about anything. Remember, he is your equal--not your child and he doesn't need or want advice.
3. Don't ask questions...about how he is "doing".
4. Don't ask questions about your "future" together
If he tries any of the above....have a boundary prepared (in your mind). "I am not going to talk about this today". "This is just a visit--not an inquisition". etc........
That is all I got..
dandylion
However, I can suggest some "don'ts".
1. Don't talk about alcohol or alcoholism...at all.
2. Don't give him any advice---about anything. Remember, he is your equal--not your child and he doesn't need or want advice.
3. Don't ask questions...about how he is "doing".
4. Don't ask questions about your "future" together
If he tries any of the above....have a boundary prepared (in your mind). "I am not going to talk about this today". "This is just a visit--not an inquisition". etc........
That is all I got..
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Renfrew
Posts: 7
Thank you, yes we have children, they are grown up and live on their own although he has stated some stuff to our children that would suggest our marriage is not over. I do go to Alan anon as well as a sponsor and therapy, I have been taking my steps and working on me, he has changed his attitude since then, he's still having his issues but I stay out of them. I had already prepared some boundaries as to what im not gonna talk about.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by worriedwife75 
Thank you, yes we have children, they are grown up and live on their own although he has stated some stuff to our children that would suggest our marriage is not over. I do go to Alan anon as well as a sponsor and therapy, I have been taking my steps and working on me, he has changed his attitude since then, he's still having his issues but I stay out of them. I had already prepared some boundaries as to what im not gonna talk about.
Your name speaks your truth. You just seem "worried."
Generally, from what I have watched . . . Worried means -- Time to Talk to God.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
There's a lot to be said for listening. Sounds easy but often my mind is whirling bc I feel threatened or am trying to think of my response. Just go and listen.
You can just respond with, oh, hmm, really and I need to think about it.
You can just respond with, oh, hmm, really and I need to think about it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by CodeJob
There's a lot to be said for listening. Sounds easy but often my mind is whirling bc I feel threatened or am trying to think of my response. Just go and listen.
You can just respond with, oh, hmm, really and I need to think about it.
You can just respond with, oh, hmm, really and I need to think about it.
Try going WITHOUT an agenda. You might be surprised what you learn when you're not busy making a pitch for what you want him to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Renfrew
Posts: 7
K so he called and changed plans asked me to come out to his place and bring coffee , a friend of ours was there as well so for the first bit he was very antsy up and down and all over the place then when our friend who is a guy and I started chatting it up and laughing and stuff he seemed to get jealous, didn't like the attention not being on him. Our friend waited till he left for a cig to tell me that my ah was nervous with me being there. Our friend kept leaving periodically to grab cell charger etc and during those times my h slipped up a couple of times and called me baby, I didn't make a big deal out of it and acted casual. I was asked to stay for dinner , and did but then after our friend went to bed said I had to get going, had to work in the morning, he seemed shocked I was leaving almost upset. He walked me out and watched me leave. Have to wait and see what he does next but I think its going to take some time. No high expectations and it turned out ok.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
