CNY46ER

Ok I have a situation and I need some help. I am currently separated, 2 of my children live with me and 1 lives with my wife. We separated for many reasons one including my drinking and her infidelity. Having said that we have decided to work on our marriage. For approximately the past 60days I have been sober and attending treatment meetings 3 nights a week for my addiction. My wife and children are happy that I am sober yet my wife tells me that I am not trying to fix our marriage. She says I have no feeling and or passion. I somewhat agree with her. My priority is sobriety; unfortunately with my recent sobriety my ability to feel happiness, love emotions in general has been muted. Is this normal? Will I be dammed forever to be numb? This is stressing me out and honestly makes me want to drink. She expresses her feelings of discontent in my efforts almost daily. Please any help would be appreciated. I am at the point almost to tell her to let me go.

biminiblue

I think it is good that you are not living with her.

That sounds really difficult to be told you aren't enough.

There is a lot to work through. It's not going to be easy or fast.

Are the two of you in couples counseling? It would help a lot.

Hawk07

Alcohol has quite a profound effect on the body especially brain chemistry. The body has quite the remarkable ability to heal itself but it'll take time. Many experience a wide range of emotions or lack there of as the body heals and readjusts itself in early recovery. If you're feeling really uncomfortable or feel that something is just not right, best to see a dr. It's only been 2 months, patience is needed. Sobriety should be your priority and you need all the support you can get and if your wife wants to rebuild your relationship she needs to understand that.

CNY46ER

We are not in couples counseling yet. To be honest I really don't have it in me to put the effort into it. Not that I do not want to fix our marriage, mentally I just don't have enough to concentrate on sobriety and fixing a marriage right now. I am looking forward to having feelings again.

biminiblue

I get that, I really do.

Keep telling her your truth. If it isn't to be, you will have been honest.

Mark1014

Hi CNY46ER,

I think today will be my 59th. Most of the past two months or so have been positive as far as progress in sobriety goes. Now that my focus is not solely on alcohol, I have been unpleasantly surprised however at how muted my emotions have been concerning those close to me. People that I know intellectually that I love but from which I feel very detached. Especially, unfortunately, my spouse. So early on, as I consider myself to be in this journey , I'm not sure if the marital disconnect is a result of, or part of the reason for my escalated abuse of alcohol. I have a time frame in my mind during which I am not going to make any major life decisions because I think I need to be further to make good decisions. If the emotional numbness continues past a certain point I'm going to discuss it with a doctor. Like you, I find the lack of feeling hard to deal with. I wish you the best.

Anna

Congratulations on 60 days sober. I understand how early recovery takes a lot of energy and focus. But, I think it's good that you're working on your marriage at the same time. I wonder if you and your wife could sit down and she could tell you what she wants to see you do on a daily basis to help the marriage. And, you could tell her what you are doing. Sometimes in relationships one person is 'giving', but it's not what the other person is looking to receive. That's where communication comes in.

CNY46ER

fromadistance thank you for responding. Just to know someone else can relate is refreshing. I feel like I am losing my mind that I cant feel. You and I have many similarities. Id like to keep in contact if possible.

Mark1014

That would be great for me too.

CNY46ER

I wonder if you and your wife could sit down and she could tell you what she wants to see you do on a daily basis to help the marriage. And, you could tell her what you are doing.

Anna;
We do try the above. She has this sort of honeymoon mentality. Wants me to send texts and be all loving. She also expects me to respond in super sweet ways when she sends me nice text messages. Its not that I do not respond, its that what I respond with dose not meet her expectations. I am sure I could do more ie the little things. Thing is I just don't have it in my mind set to make it come to fruition. I don't know and it is frustrating.

KissMyTiara

Well done on 60 days and your commitment to sobriety. It really sounds like you both need professional help. If she had an affair/affairs during your marriage she was seeking something you weren't providing her most likely. And she still states its because you still have no feelings of passion for her.

I get you are working on yourself. But if you don't also find a way to work on the other issues she may just give up. You are going to have to do both. She needs to feel you care about addressing her needs also.

fini

CNY,
makes sense that you can only really focus on one thing to put your energy into at this early stage, and choosing sobriety as first priority will eventually make other things possible. your wife likely doesn't understand the full-time effort that is at the beginning.
and she can't be expected to.
see if you find something useful in this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
where you're at sounds "normal" to me.
i'm sorry you're suffering.
keep going and slowly you will sort yourself out more and more.

EndGameNYC

A lot depends on how emotionally expressive or cut off we were before we started drinking.

By your own account, it doesn't sound as though working on your marriage is a priority for you at the moment. That's fine, but it also sends a clear message to your wife to that effect. A chronically unbalanced relationship does not predict later success. Motivation is often found after, and not before, taking action, and even then, if you find that you're unmotivated, that too is important information. There is no useful time frame for when we're ready to put the effort into salvaging a relationship, and reality reliably informs us as to when it's too late.

A good couples therapist will also see each person individually from time to time, and sometimes this happens because one or the other cannot make a particular session, or they'll refer one or both to individual therapy. In both cases, each person can work on their own stuff while also working on their relationship.

I've struggled for the past year or so with my feelings around a relationship I destroyed while I was drinking. No matter how much I wanted things to work, my relationship with my XGF came in at a distant second to my relationship with alcohol. That she gave me plenty of chances to succeed only makes the pain more exquisite. It is by far my biggest regret, even though at the time it seemed inevitable that it would fail due to my drinking. Even love fails in comparison to my addiction.

CNY46ER

KissMyTiara
Thank you for the input. I do not disagree with your suggestion for the professional help. As time has gone on drinking was how I delt with the demon of infidelity. To be honest I feel pressured and unappreciated that I even entertain the idea of fixing the marriage. The marriage didn't fall apart overnight and cant be repaired overnight either. Its a lot to juggle.

sugarbear1

a marriage doesn't turn sour in one night and recovery doesn't happen in a short period of time....

give time for everything to heal and it will take some time.....

OklaBH

What is it about alcoholics ? Because we are alcoholic, when others wrong us we have to eat it. She cheated on you. You don't have to feel pressured by her at all. How can she come at you with any complaint? One day at a time! Glad you're sober!

CNY46ER

Thank you oklabh. That is how I feel as well.

Elisabeth888

My ex never would give me a strait answer on whether he messed around with a co-worker. He also alluded to the fact that my alcoholism would justify infidelity.

That's called projecting and bargaining in my book. Not cool. Neither was all of my stupid, dangerous BS. I get sad I'm divorced but then I remind myself of the many cons there were in that marriage. I don't know what to tell you. I tried dating recently and have decided I do no care to do the work that is required to have a relationship at this time.

Early recovery is exhausting, selfish, stressful, anxiety ridden, exhilarating, revealing, spiritual, etc.

I just have little patience for dealing with other people's drama. I have a good friend that has been on a 5 month drunk basically, and she calls EVERY night, drunk, to talk about the same issues she is having. I tell her to go to detox/ER/rehab every day, that's my only advice. I have enough trouble keeping my own ass sober. Listening to her is irritating and triggering at the same time.

Now don't think I didn't drunk dial the heck out of some people, mainly family, but if I am going to sit around and talk on the phone, it needs to be with someone in recovery. I don't really like talking on the phone.

Sorry I went off on a tangent/rant!!

Nuudawn

CNY46ER...hey

So much to unravel in the early days of sobriety...so, so much. One of the biggest things I uncovered about my drinking was my issues with intimacy. Often my alcohol abuse actually got worse in relationship...I needed a bigger fence see.
Some people erect a fence by shutting out and shutting down.
All fear based no matter how you slice it.

No matter what....I can certainly understand how early sobriety takes all your energy. Given the details you mention...a marriage with a history of alcohol abuse and infidelity...and now early sobriety, your wife expectations for gushy text messaging and bodice ripping passion...seems a pretty high expectation. Well, ridiculous actually. Sorry.

Counselling seems like a good idea. At least you'd have an informed mediator who could advise as to what IS actually possible when trying to salvage a broken marriage. It could take some heat off of ya. You don't need any extra heat when you're trying to stay sober.

OklaBH

you are welcome. I'm not saying her cheating makes your drinking ok. Obviously it got out of hand, because you are here Its obvious you are doing the work to change and she is not. Bad behavior and mistreatment of people is not ok. She isnt an alcoholic. So basically stone sober she decided to better your marriage and to deal with your drinking she would sleep with someone else. Oh, and it was a great idea to put you at risk for an STD?

I am finally getting to the point that I get that "getting even and being ugly" because I screwed up is not cool. I was a door mat for years. Why? Well because Im an alcoholic and I messed up alot of things. Thats how it goes right? We can get better and regain self confidence and self esteem.