Butterfly

So was with my counsellor during the week and we are starting to work on all the emotions I've pushed down throughout my marriage. The session this week was so difficult, sitting with emotions I hadn't processed or knew were their and memories I had blocked out. Here's the thing though since then I've just felt as though they are sitting bubbling under the surface and at times I feel as though I am about to explode but because of the times when I feel that they are about to come to the surface I have to push them back down because I'm at work or driving or something else.

this is just in relation to one memory I went discussed the other night and There is more underneath about the incident, but it occurred before I married him but as always it got pushed down because of his actions following and I focused on him!!

I don't know if I am scared to deal with it as I don't know what else will come out or whether I am just going back to old habits of pushing it back down as I can't deal with it and there are other things I need to be doing, just like with stbxah when he was at home my thoughts and feelings were pushed down so I could deal with whatever he was going through, his moods, his drinking, him, him, him, him.

When discussing it with my counsellor was the first time I realised that there is so much I havent dealt with or acknowledged in 18 years and so much I haven't forgiven him for yet I clung to him thinking believing I couldn't live or cope without him, he has caused so much devastation hurt pain and anger throughout the years yet I looked to him, the one who caused all the hurt pain and devastation to heal me, to fix me. Why? Why did I look to the person who caused this to be the one to fix it to heal me?

I don't even know where or how to start processing, should I even go way back to when we first met to incidents that happened wayyyy back then??

Today was the first day I wanted to contact him in 3 weeks, as I have said previously I have made a very big mistake in work and today I found out that it will be going further. Adding this to everything else I've been feeling all became too much. I began to send him a text initially because I wanted him to support me to reassure me, crazy eh? I started out saying I really need you, I need you to be here for me but your not, you never really were unless it suited you. You were supposed to be the one person I could trust above everyone else, the one person who loves me cares for me protects me more than anyone else but you were never that person.... I didn't text anything else, I didn't send it either I deleted it because I thought why go back down that hole he's not the one who loves you and will protect you he's selfish and if I send that text I will cause more pain for myself.

Sorry for rambling and thank you for reading

LexieCat

Very proud of you that you realized what you were doing when you were composing that text. No, he won't ever be able to heal you.

Did you tell the counselor about how bringing all of this up is making you feel? The counselor should be able to help you to process it safely so it doesn't overwhelm you. Take it at a pace that feels safe. It may not feel comfortable to face and process these emotions, but you should be able to feel SAFE. Growth is often painful, but it won't be dangerous.

I'm sorry about the work crisis, but you can get through that, too. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Hugs,

dandylion

Butterfly....that is really incredible that you were able to abort sending the text---because it shows that you are beginning to put your own best welfare as important! That is self love and self care...even if it was harrrd to do...LOL!

There is a book that I am in the midst of reading, right now....and, I find that every page I turn..I think of you! Especially, since I remember your mother and how she left you time and time again.
The book is: "The Saber-toothed Tiger-The One Reason Women Stay with Abusive Men". By Josee Perrine. I haven't finished it completely, yet--but the dynamics are very fascinating. Much of what is written seems like parts of your posts!!!
It is very easy to read and understand. I got it, used, from Amazon.com
(the dynamics can apply even if one is not strictly abused).

I hope you get an opportunity to read it, sometime.

My take on your post: When the emotions come...just let them flow. Think of them as old, stored toxins flowing out of you. Sort of like flushing the sludge from old plumbing pipes! LOl! I think that there is a fear that the pain might swallow you up like a black hole. But, that doesn't happen. It is more like a wave that crashes on the shore for a few stormy minutes then, recedes, leaving the peaceful water in it's wake.
It is a part of your healing...just like the pain of grieving.....
Ultimately, there is good purpose for the pain.

Remember that crying is good....I endorse it..

dandylion

Rosiepetal

I think as time goes by we begin to recognise the parts we played in a failed marriage.
We see that we focussed too much on them & our co-dependendent behaviour & once we acknowledge this then acceptance gets easier. I like to hang on to the good memories of a man I shared 20 years with even though I do not have an inch of respect for him now.
It takes a long time to adjust after being with a partner for a long period of time & maybe even longer when there are addictions.
Take care of yourself now, don't beat yourself up for how you feel, just acknowledge you feel that way & then try to let go.
One day at a time.
Hugs.

Butterfly

Yes it was one incident we focused on and talking about flashbacks as a lot of it is a blur but the emotions have stayed with me just feeling overwhelmed by the feelings I had pushed down from that one incident, I don't even know if I understand them, or maybe I do I just don't know what to do with them. I know I feel angry very angry with him but angry with me I should have walked no I should have ran fast but i didn't instead I married him a few months later!!

I think this was the start of the cycle of him drinking, me feeling angry him doing something due to remorse and me calming and focusing on him, fix him and we will be ok, I will be good enough.

I think I have realised that yes I had a crappy childhood and have attachment issues but I also remember being a confident single mother to my DD, living on our own, just finishing my 1st year at college and generally feeling ok, unless I am remembering things wrong.

I met him he was thoughtful, kind, loving and good with DD, we got engaged then his addiction began showing and I didn't know hat had happened what had went wrong and because he was disappearing for days I think this is when I began to feel it was me that I wasn't good enough or he wouldn't treat me like this, and yes this is probably when my crappy childhood and feelings of not being wanted at home became reinforced!

I didn't even make it past the first term of my 2nd year at college!!

Sorry if I'm rambling trying to piece everything together and trying to understand myself and the decisions I made!!

dandylion

Butterfly...I think you are doing fine. Don't force it. Just let it happen...eventually, after a while, things will start falling into place.

dandylion

Butterfly

Yes part of my problem, I want to understand NOW, I want to feel better NOW, actually I want everything NOW lol.

I will get that book dandylion it sounds like it will be interesting.

NYCDoglvr

Ah yes, I can certainly relate. Even though alcohol made me miserable, gave me hangovers and nearly destroyed my life I believed I needed it almost to survive. I'm depressed and I'm putting down a magnum of wine, which is a depressant, every day. Fortunately I got sober 23 years ago. But when my codependency surfaced I transferred the obsession to a very screwed up guy who made me miserable.

This is addiction/alcoholism/codependency, take your pick of drugs. But your eyes are opening and even though what you see is painful, this is big headway in your recovery. I promise it gets better, much better. I also recommend Alanon, where the support of other codependents got me through the rough spots and helped me keep my sanity.

Christopher1

Butterfly,I feel for you;your situation and feelings sound very similar to how I have felt/feel.
I stopped expecting/reaching out for emotional support from my partner because as time went on,it just wasn't there and I was hurting myself more.
When I feel overwhelmed,I try to think rationally(not always easy) and remind myself that,for me,this wasn't really a good relationship that went bad but a bad relationship that got worse.
You ARE doing better than you think-it just doesn't happen overnight and I think it is important to remind ourselves that with time things will slowly improve-nothing stays the same.

Christopher1

I also have to remind myself of just how unhealthy things have been and how unhealthy I have been(am):my need to "fix" (heal?) this person took precedence over everything-work/family/my sanity.
It's a hard grief to deal with on top of the normal grief of missing them,I know.