I finally filed DV charges

Old 11-27-2014, 06:50 AM
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I finally filed DV charges

I feel like my world is crumbling down around me. Yesterday he tried to choke me. And after all that and the horrible mess, I still cried and begged. I still wanted him to love me. I called him and still asked for him to come back. Why? What am I thinking? He told me this morning that he does not love me and I will be served with divorce papers. My daughter begged me to file charges. What was I showing her if I didn't? I have major bruises on my throat. And yet I still wanted him home? What is wrong with me? He has a new girlfriend, yet I still allow this? So, I grew a pair and called the police this morning. I was almost hoping they would tell me it was too late. Nope. They said they were going to press charges if I didn't. So I let them take pictures. They are trying to find him now.

They left him a voice mail letting him know they want to talk to him. So what did he do? He called me. Asked why I was lying. Asked why I did this and told me "because I did not want you, you are going to send me to prison?" Really? Then he told me he hates my ******* guts and hung up on me. Then he txt me and asked me to fix this. Said he did nothing and I am framing him. Said I was crazy and that everyone tried to tell him to get away from me, and then when he finally did, I framed him. Ugh. I feel like a ****** person. I feel like he is right, I filed charges because he was gonna leave me or like I was being vindictive. I hate feeling like a ****** person. I hate feeling like I made a mistake, like maybe he is right, I wanted control? Is this normal to feel this way? Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like this? I called my therapist last night and he told me to hold my AH accountable. Is that really what I am doing? Am I really trying to show my kids that this behavior is not okay? That Meth will make a person a monster at the drop of a hat? Omg, I am feeling regret. What did I just do?
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:04 AM
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Mejo...sweetheart...listen to me...carefully...

What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.

He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.

I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.

Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.

Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.

Be safe and keep us posted.
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:13 AM
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Dear Mejo,
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:25 AM
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Oh, mejo, I’m just so sorry that you were hurt!! You do not deserve to be treated with violence and abuse…you deserve so much better treatment than you are receiving at the hands of this man.

Originally Posted by mejo
I feel like he is right, I filed charges because he was gonna leave me or like I was being vindictive.
Mejo, feeling this way is not accurate…it is how you feel, but the thoughts behind it are not true.

Originally Posted by mejo
I called my therapist last night and he told me to hold my AH accountable. Is that really what I am doing?
Yes, that is what you are doing. No one has the right to physically harm another person in the way that your husband harmed you last night. He hurt you last night, and his being arrested is a consequence of his actions, not yours.

Please stay safe, mejo! Try to let the process take its course without trying to stop it or interfere. I can only hope and pray that someday you will really and truly feel that you do not deserve to be harmed by anyone. You deserve to be loved and are a miracle just as a you are.
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:27 AM
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You are not in the wrong for filing charges against him. What he did was wrong and he has to face the consequences.

Take good care of yourself.
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Mejo...sweetheart...listen to me...carefully...

What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.

He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.

I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.

Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.

Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.

Be safe and keep us posted.
Thanks. I called the police officer back and told him he called and txt me. I know the officer, small mining town, everyone knows everyone's **** and I work with the guys family. Kinda embarrassing. I have a job that enables me to know the whole town. But the bruises on my neck hurt so bad. He literally tried to rip out my esophagus. The police man told me that my AH had to be really trying to kill me with the bruises I have, but if he only knew the last ten years, this ain't ****. But Meth makes him someone i don't even know. The officer told me he has seen Meth make the best people in the world down right ******* crazy and horrific. It makes me sad to hear from my AH that I am f# king nuts and I am framing him. It makes me sad that he hates me so much. It makes me sad that today is thanksgiving and here I am. I am sad that my life has come to this. He did this all over a credit card so he could get new rims and tires. I tried to be strong and not give it to him, but after the beat down I gave it to him anyway. I feel like ****. He has no job because he got fired due to Meth use and here I am still allowing him to **** someone else, hurt me, and get new rims and tires. Wth is wrong with me? And still after all that, I call him and beg him to love me and choose me and this family. But as my neck still hurts this morning, it is a reminder of how far he has fallen, but there is no bottom to catch him. The call to the police this morning was my first step to being released from this cycle. I know I am pretty, and smart. I used to be fun and happy. And to be honest, this is not the first violent encounter. Ten years with some "normal" sober behavior in between. Your the best Zo!

And that my friends, is why when people come on SR and talk about DV, I say nothing. I have been there, still am. No amount talking to a DV victim is going to change their mind until they make the first step, whether I did it to be vindictive or "i'll show you" , it is still a step they must take. Unless they don't have a choice, like being hospitalized or worse. It is such a sick cycle. We are broken. I don't know why I did not do this before. I don't know why this time was different. I don't know why I feel regret. Because I am as sick, if not worse than he is? Because I am nuts as he proclaims? I don't have to go to court, thank you state of Arizona! It is nice feeling like I am protected now. Feeling like I have officially shut the door, no matter the consequences to come from him. How much more can he hurt me emotionally? He can't. Feeling weird.
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Old 11-27-2014, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
Dear Mejo,
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
Thank you. I suspended his phone (yeah still paying for everything including his communication to his GF). He cannot contact me or anyone right now. I don't plan on showing my face outside of this house for a while. Other than to go to work tomorrow in a turtle neck. So embarrassing. So stupid. So wrong.
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Old 11-27-2014, 08:40 AM
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Oh Mejo ((hugs))

Do not feel embarrassed. The last time my XABF abused me, when I finally pressed charges, I had a black eye and was limping from tumbling down the stairs.
Like you I was very embarrassed to go to work but I found that my boss and coworkers were very supportive. My boss even insisted that I stay with her for a couple of days just in case he decided to come to my place after being released from jail.
The shame is his not yours.
There were none for me back then and I had to deal with the legal aspects alone but call the court house and find out if they have a victim's advocate. Also call your local DV hotline, they probably will have some resources and f2f support available for you.
http://www.azdhs.gov/phs/owch/women/.../resources.htm
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Old 11-27-2014, 08:54 AM
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Mejo,

I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.

It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.

It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.

When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.

If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:13 AM
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Mejo, This scenario your describing is exactly the same almost word for word that occurred with a boyfriend I had prior to my AH. My last contact with him he also choked me and I called the police. He kept calling saying almost exactly the same things you described and I felt the same things inside and told myself the same things in my head you are saying to yourself.

You are in no way what so ever responsible for him physically abusing you ever. I so relate to this that if only I could grab you right now and take all those thoughts out of your head, I would. Is it possible that I could beg you not to think these awful thoughts about yourself?

This isn't just meth, this is who this person really is. Please see that. Please seek the assistance of a DV shelter for counseling and any other help if possible. And please stop listening to that coward.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory View Post
Mejo,

I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.

It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.

It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.

When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.

If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
Thank you. I feel better knowing that it is common for us to want the abuser to love us and "fix" this. It hurts to see who we are now and where we are at. It is a long fall from the top for both of us. But, I needed to do this for my kids. The therapist told me last night if I didn't, my kids would lose a little more respect for me. I have lost enough in this marriage including respect for myself. I just feel extremely hurt and empty knowing I finally placed the final nail in the coffin. But I think what hurt me the most out of all of this was the fact he physically hurt me and then continued to txt his GF all night like I mean **** to him. Like I am garbage and I don't deserve anything else but to be choked. It hurts.
I just got done filing out my statement. The officer will be over this afternoon to.pick it up. What if they don't prosecute him? What if they believe my H that I am framing him because I am crazy? Ugh. Happy freaking Thanksgiving.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:34 AM
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You have marks around your neck: they will prosecute him.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:35 AM
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What if they don't prosecute him?
They will charge him. He may or may not spend much time in jail.
It will be really important that you follow through with a restraining order.

That will be really hard for you with the emotions you are feeling right now, but it is the only thing you can do to help keep your family safe.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:35 AM
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It is law that they must prosecute him and there is physical evidence as well as your own child encouraging you to have contacted the police to begin with. They will prosecute now with or without your testimony. For me, it was very healing to go to court and give a statement. I had to for every woman affected by DV that was there feeling like you do and I did. My situation got so bad, the police officers involved got special permission to take paid duty to escort me to court and back and the court assigned a victim witness person to help me with filing a restraining order as well as to be there to just hold my hand at court dates. See if that is a resource for yourself. You are stronger than you know just surviving this situation so give yourself credit that no matter what, you can leave this situation and not continue to be manipulated by an abusive man child.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:41 AM
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Call the National DV hotline and they should be able to give refer you to a local number where someone who knows the local laws will be able to answer your questions more specifically and hook you up with support.
National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:42 AM
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Yeah, the cops told me on Monday to go to the court house and request the RO. Said they will grant it and there will not be a fee for it. I AM going to do it.This weekend I am protected by an emergency RO. It will be in effect until the close of the first business day.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:42 AM
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I understand the dynamics of this cycle and going back over and over. It breaks you down until you are so mentally exhausted, you feel like you just can't fight it. Fear of your spouse or bf breaks you down inside as well. You actually start believing what they say and you think you are not worthy of anything more than what you have. It is simply not true. Follow through and you'll find out just how tough you really are. He did this because it is really he who is weak and he resents you for being something he'll never be. It is about controlling another person for him. That is a defect of his character even without drugs. Being clean probably would not have stopped this behavior. It only amplifies it maybe. I would be more confident any day of an addicts chances of getting clean than an abusive man ever changing. Please do anything you can to stay emotionally and physically safe and if you need to talk at all you can always contact me.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:48 AM
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Yeah, the cops told me on Monday to go to the court house and request the RO. Said they will grant it and there will not be a fee for it.
That's how it happened with me too. Try to see if there is a victim advocate who could help you and come with you on Monday but if you have to go and do it alone, you can do it
When I went for the RO I was really scared, English is my second language and I had visions of his lawyer jumping all over me like on TV.
All I had to do was come in and talk briefly to the judge. The judge was very nice and granted me my RO immediately.
I was tremendously anxious but it went really well so if I could do it, so can you.
The one thing I would recommend is that you stick by the TRO. Any attempt by him to contact you, do not reply or engage him and contact the cops immediately.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:52 AM
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A victim witness advocate at the court house if they have one or a DV shelter can assist you in filing a RO as well. Try to write down any past incidents now while your thinking of them to include in your request for the RO. That includes verbal and emotional incidents as well. It all counts. You want the judge to order the most restrictive constraints possible.
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Old 11-27-2014, 09:54 AM
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Also take a couple of pictures of your neck today while it looks terrible.
Just in case the picts the cops took don't make it to the judge you will have something to show him/her
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