I finally filed DV charges
I finally filed DV charges
I feel like my world is crumbling down around me. Yesterday he tried to choke me. And after all that and the horrible mess, I still cried and begged. I still wanted him to love me. I called him and still asked for him to come back. Why? What am I thinking? He told me this morning that he does not love me and I will be served with divorce papers. My daughter begged me to file charges. What was I showing her if I didn't? I have major bruises on my throat. And yet I still wanted him home? What is wrong with me? He has a new girlfriend, yet I still allow this? So, I grew a pair and called the police this morning. I was almost hoping they would tell me it was too late. Nope. They said they were going to press charges if I didn't. So I let them take pictures. They are trying to find him now.
They left him a voice mail letting him know they want to talk to him. So what did he do? He called me. Asked why I was lying. Asked why I did this and told me "because I did not want you, you are going to send me to prison?" Really? Then he told me he hates my ******* guts and hung up on me. Then he txt me and asked me to fix this. Said he did nothing and I am framing him. Said I was crazy and that everyone tried to tell him to get away from me, and then when he finally did, I framed him. Ugh. I feel like a ****** person. I feel like he is right, I filed charges because he was gonna leave me or like I was being vindictive. I hate feeling like a ****** person. I hate feeling like I made a mistake, like maybe he is right, I wanted control? Is this normal to feel this way? Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like this? I called my therapist last night and he told me to hold my AH accountable. Is that really what I am doing? Am I really trying to show my kids that this behavior is not okay? That Meth will make a person a monster at the drop of a hat? Omg, I am feeling regret. What did I just do?
They left him a voice mail letting him know they want to talk to him. So what did he do? He called me. Asked why I was lying. Asked why I did this and told me "because I did not want you, you are going to send me to prison?" Really? Then he told me he hates my ******* guts and hung up on me. Then he txt me and asked me to fix this. Said he did nothing and I am framing him. Said I was crazy and that everyone tried to tell him to get away from me, and then when he finally did, I framed him. Ugh. I feel like a ****** person. I feel like he is right, I filed charges because he was gonna leave me or like I was being vindictive. I hate feeling like a ****** person. I hate feeling like I made a mistake, like maybe he is right, I wanted control? Is this normal to feel this way? Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like this? I called my therapist last night and he told me to hold my AH accountable. Is that really what I am doing? Am I really trying to show my kids that this behavior is not okay? That Meth will make a person a monster at the drop of a hat? Omg, I am feeling regret. What did I just do?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Mejo...sweetheart...listen to me...carefully...
What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.
He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.
I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.
Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.
Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.
Be safe and keep us posted.
What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.
He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.
I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.
Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.
Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.
Be safe and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Mejo,
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
Oh, mejo, I’m just so sorry that you were hurt!! You do not deserve to be treated with violence and abuse…you deserve so much better treatment than you are receiving at the hands of this man.
Mejo, feeling this way is not accurate…it is how you feel, but the thoughts behind it are not true.
Yes, that is what you are doing. No one has the right to physically harm another person in the way that your husband harmed you last night. He hurt you last night, and his being arrested is a consequence of his actions, not yours.
Please stay safe, mejo! Try to let the process take its course without trying to stop it or interfere. I can only hope and pray that someday you will really and truly feel that you do not deserve to be harmed by anyone. You deserve to be loved and are a miracle just as a you are.
Originally Posted by mejo
I feel like he is right, I filed charges because he was gonna leave me or like I was being vindictive.
Originally Posted by mejo
I called my therapist last night and he told me to hold my AH accountable. Is that really what I am doing?
Please stay safe, mejo! Try to let the process take its course without trying to stop it or interfere. I can only hope and pray that someday you will really and truly feel that you do not deserve to be harmed by anyone. You deserve to be loved and are a miracle just as a you are.
Mejo...sweetheart...listen to me...carefully...
What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.
He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.
I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.
Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.
Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.
Be safe and keep us posted.
What he is doing is called gaslighting, which is a vile form of emotional and psychological abuse. This means he's engaging in behavior that is designed to make you question your own sanity.
He knows what he did to you. He knows what he's doing to you. And he is doing it without remorse. He's doing it to maintain power over you.
I know you love him. But let's be clear: a man who engages in this sort of behavior is the worst kind of scum. What he is doing is unf*ckingacceptable.
Mejo...allow the police to deal with him. The cycle you're in will only get worse if you don't. He needs to be held legally accountable.
Remember what I told you. It's in your signature.
Be safe and keep us posted.
And that my friends, is why when people come on SR and talk about DV, I say nothing. I have been there, still am. No amount talking to a DV victim is going to change their mind until they make the first step, whether I did it to be vindictive or "i'll show you" , it is still a step they must take. Unless they don't have a choice, like being hospitalized or worse. It is such a sick cycle. We are broken. I don't know why I did not do this before. I don't know why this time was different. I don't know why I feel regret. Because I am as sick, if not worse than he is? Because I am nuts as he proclaims? I don't have to go to court, thank you state of Arizona! It is nice feeling like I am protected now. Feeling like I have officially shut the door, no matter the consequences to come from him. How much more can he hurt me emotionally? He can't. Feeling weird.
Dear Mejo,
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
No, no, no you don't! You did the right thing by alerting the police department that you had been attacked, violated. This shows courage. He sounds like a loser to hurt you, and to have the children realize what he is. Don't let him convince you of backing away from this.
You can't anyway, the police will charge him and he will be held accountable, which is what should happen. You might have even done him a favor...going to jail/prison will keep you safe and might get him sober or at least away from his DOC.
For right now, BLOCK HIM, no contact, keep you and your family safe. Let the police and lawyers do the talking. Do not speak to him, his friends or his family,ok?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. We are here for you, lean on US right now!
I will say huge prayers for you but for right now, here's a BIG gentle hug!
TF
Oh Mejo ((hugs))
Do not feel embarrassed. The last time my XABF abused me, when I finally pressed charges, I had a black eye and was limping from tumbling down the stairs.
Like you I was very embarrassed to go to work but I found that my boss and coworkers were very supportive. My boss even insisted that I stay with her for a couple of days just in case he decided to come to my place after being released from jail.
The shame is his not yours.
There were none for me back then and I had to deal with the legal aspects alone but call the court house and find out if they have a victim's advocate. Also call your local DV hotline, they probably will have some resources and f2f support available for you.
http://www.azdhs.gov/phs/owch/women/.../resources.htm
Do not feel embarrassed. The last time my XABF abused me, when I finally pressed charges, I had a black eye and was limping from tumbling down the stairs.
Like you I was very embarrassed to go to work but I found that my boss and coworkers were very supportive. My boss even insisted that I stay with her for a couple of days just in case he decided to come to my place after being released from jail.
The shame is his not yours.
There were none for me back then and I had to deal with the legal aspects alone but call the court house and find out if they have a victim's advocate. Also call your local DV hotline, they probably will have some resources and f2f support available for you.
http://www.azdhs.gov/phs/owch/women/.../resources.htm
Mejo,
I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.
It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.
It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.
When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.
If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.
It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.
It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.
When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.
If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Mejo, This scenario your describing is exactly the same almost word for word that occurred with a boyfriend I had prior to my AH. My last contact with him he also choked me and I called the police. He kept calling saying almost exactly the same things you described and I felt the same things inside and told myself the same things in my head you are saying to yourself.
You are in no way what so ever responsible for him physically abusing you ever. I so relate to this that if only I could grab you right now and take all those thoughts out of your head, I would. Is it possible that I could beg you not to think these awful thoughts about yourself?
This isn't just meth, this is who this person really is. Please see that. Please seek the assistance of a DV shelter for counseling and any other help if possible. And please stop listening to that coward.
You are in no way what so ever responsible for him physically abusing you ever. I so relate to this that if only I could grab you right now and take all those thoughts out of your head, I would. Is it possible that I could beg you not to think these awful thoughts about yourself?
This isn't just meth, this is who this person really is. Please see that. Please seek the assistance of a DV shelter for counseling and any other help if possible. And please stop listening to that coward.
Mejo,
I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.
It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.
It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.
When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.
If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
I used to be right where you are right now. I understand all of the emotions you are going through. Even wanting to beg someone who abuses to love you.
It is a complicated issue full of overwhelming emotions.
It doesn't matter why you called the police. Calling them was the right thing to do for you and your children.
When you live in an abusive situation you lose your power. It takes some time after you leave the abusive situation to get your power back again so you feel you can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. All of the abuse is his fault. Calling the police was the first step in regaining your power in your own life. It will take a lot longer to work through the other issues that make you feel that you totally need this other person and it will be a painful process.
If you can break all contact for just two weeks you are going to start feeling better.
You really need to stay alive for your children and your AH is putting your life at great risk. There were times when I could do things for my children that I couldn't do for myself. Keep yourself safe for your children.
I just got done filing out my statement. The officer will be over this afternoon to.pick it up. What if they don't prosecute him? What if they believe my H that I am framing him because I am crazy? Ugh. Happy freaking Thanksgiving.
What if they don't prosecute him?
It will be really important that you follow through with a restraining order.
That will be really hard for you with the emotions you are feeling right now, but it is the only thing you can do to help keep your family safe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
It is law that they must prosecute him and there is physical evidence as well as your own child encouraging you to have contacted the police to begin with. They will prosecute now with or without your testimony. For me, it was very healing to go to court and give a statement. I had to for every woman affected by DV that was there feeling like you do and I did. My situation got so bad, the police officers involved got special permission to take paid duty to escort me to court and back and the court assigned a victim witness person to help me with filing a restraining order as well as to be there to just hold my hand at court dates. See if that is a resource for yourself. You are stronger than you know just surviving this situation so give yourself credit that no matter what, you can leave this situation and not continue to be manipulated by an abusive man child.
Call the National DV hotline and they should be able to give refer you to a local number where someone who knows the local laws will be able to answer your questions more specifically and hook you up with support.
National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233
National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233
Yeah, the cops told me on Monday to go to the court house and request the RO. Said they will grant it and there will not be a fee for it. I AM going to do it.This weekend I am protected by an emergency RO. It will be in effect until the close of the first business day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I understand the dynamics of this cycle and going back over and over. It breaks you down until you are so mentally exhausted, you feel like you just can't fight it. Fear of your spouse or bf breaks you down inside as well. You actually start believing what they say and you think you are not worthy of anything more than what you have. It is simply not true. Follow through and you'll find out just how tough you really are. He did this because it is really he who is weak and he resents you for being something he'll never be. It is about controlling another person for him. That is a defect of his character even without drugs. Being clean probably would not have stopped this behavior. It only amplifies it maybe. I would be more confident any day of an addicts chances of getting clean than an abusive man ever changing. Please do anything you can to stay emotionally and physically safe and if you need to talk at all you can always contact me.
Yeah, the cops told me on Monday to go to the court house and request the RO. Said they will grant it and there will not be a fee for it.
When I went for the RO I was really scared, English is my second language and I had visions of his lawyer jumping all over me like on TV.
All I had to do was come in and talk briefly to the judge. The judge was very nice and granted me my RO immediately.
I was tremendously anxious but it went really well so if I could do it, so can you.
The one thing I would recommend is that you stick by the TRO. Any attempt by him to contact you, do not reply or engage him and contact the cops immediately.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
A victim witness advocate at the court house if they have one or a DV shelter can assist you in filing a RO as well. Try to write down any past incidents now while your thinking of them to include in your request for the RO. That includes verbal and emotional incidents as well. It all counts. You want the judge to order the most restrictive constraints possible.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)