? About Boundaries

Old 08-02-2004, 09:41 AM
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? About Boundaries

How did you communicate your boundaries to your A? I think I would like to set some boundaries, but am not quite sure one I do how to go about making them known.

Anybody want to share some insight? Thanks in advance!
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Old 08-02-2004, 10:06 AM
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For me it depends on who the person is. I told my son he had to move out...I told my husband "I'm not going anywhere today, but I won't be around much longer the way things are". Oh,and I told my parents "Buh-Bye".

So many drunks...so little time!
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Old 08-02-2004, 10:09 AM
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so you just flat out told them - you didn't set the stage, etc. (these are the boundaries i am setting for myself,...)

it's amazing to me to realize just how many folks out there have the disease!

scary!

thx for the input
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Old 08-02-2004, 10:18 AM
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A boundry is a limit or edge that keeps you separate from another. A boundry is a limit that promotes integerity.

Boundries brings order to our lives. They let you be you and me be me. If we do not have boundries we need defences. If something outside yourself is making you angry,sad,or is hurting you this is a good place to start with developing a boundry. My boundry is about me feeling safe not about controling you. If someones stubstance abuse is a problem for you you can choose to throw them out of your life or you can choose to change the way you react to them. But, you cannot make another person change their behavior. If you say to someone, if you use again I am leaving and, they use and you don't leave then you do not have a boundry in place. If you choose to stop reacting to their use and go about your own life you have a boundry in place.

My boundry for my As is that I will not loan them money and they cannot come into my house and use drugs or come over high. I cannot tell them they cannot use because they will do what they want to do. I can control what goes on in my own space.

As Smoke says, "I hope I am I clear as mud"
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Old 08-02-2004, 10:20 AM
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this is a real tough one for me......I didnt even realize that I was doing this.....I had set some boundaries....I thought these boundaries were for me....and they werent. it was just another way of trying to control him........after reading some posts.....it has made me aware of this when I set boundaries... (this is just so complicated)
 
Old 08-02-2004, 11:42 AM
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I don't set any boundaries that require me to tell anyone anything. All of my boundaries are for me. If I set boundaries that require something from him, I am only trying to force him to do something and we all know that rarely works.

L
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Old 08-02-2004, 11:49 AM
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all - thanks for the input and i think i understand but i'm with breec - it's confusing. but i am also new to all of this so maybe that's part of my confusion.

appreciate the responses - you all are just a joy to "converse" with!
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Old 08-02-2004, 12:03 PM
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where I get the most frustrated is when he would say, you didnt tell me that....how all of a sudden can i come home from work with a movie in my hand ready to apologize to you and I walk in and the house is completly empty......(I did that once)

I am thinking, it doesnt matter if you leave or how you leave.....he is going to think no matter what, I was wrong and he was right......and how could I make such boundaries......and not have talked to him about it..........I have let him do these things for so many years now......why am I changing the rules.........what he is not getting for once in our 10 years this isnt about him.....this is about me now.........
 
Old 08-02-2004, 12:10 PM
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amen!
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Old 08-02-2004, 12:33 PM
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Hey everyone,
Great thread! My boundary in focus is "no physical intamacy" it seems to be my hardest to keep with him. But I know it just confuses me. He tried some lovey dovey yesterday and I said, "no thanks I'm in recovery". He chuckled, but did not press the issue. I think he almost misses my 'involvement' in his recovery.

Boundaries are hard to keep. With God's help we will all make the right ones and stick to them.

-Angela
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Old 08-02-2004, 12:47 PM
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good luck angelar!
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Old 08-02-2004, 03:38 PM
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My boundary was that he had to come home at night at a resonable time - 11:00 ish. I have to get up for work at 6:00. Well...........He didnt come home one night. The last conversation we had was that he would be home around 11. I packed his stuff and left it on the back porch. He called me the next day at work around 11:00 am. He said he had been arrested, but he had no papers because it was mistaken idenity and they let him go! Whatever! I told him I was done.
That was soooooooooooooooo hard. But I knew that I had to follow through.
It has been 3 months and he is FULL force into his addiction, living with a prostitute (I NEVER would have thought) He still calls and asks if he can come "home". - uh I think NOT!
It is VERY painful for me. I loved this man with everything I am and at one time he loved me the same.
Be prepared to set boundaries that you can follow through with and make sure they are not an attempt to control the A. DO IT FOR YOU.
Big Hugs
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Old 08-02-2004, 07:58 PM
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I don't find that I need to set boundaries too many times with my AH. When I do, it's for my protection or to maintain peace in our home. A boundary for protection would be something like always saying no to helping him do any type of work around our home that he should not be doing while drinking (my being around him while he's on a riding lawn mower). A boundary to maintain peace would be, if my husband decided to get ugly around me or the children I will say "stop it" and if that doesn't work, I will leave (another part of the home or further if necessary).

I don't plan boundaries, I apply them as needed.

(((((hugs)))))
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Old 08-03-2004, 01:27 AM
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Honestly, my boundries seem to apply to me more than anything else. They are what I'll tolerate and won't. Some are boundries, some are just things I practice. Here are some of mine:

"No drinking while taking care of the kids."
Bar none, zero tolerance, put the kids in jeopardy and find yourself alone. I haven't run across this one yet since we have been trying to work things out but I am fully prepared to carry it out. Because I am a parant and it is my responsibility. This is the one thing that would ruin any chance of this working out.

"I won't communicate at all with him if he's been drinking"
If I see that he has, total shutout till he's sober. I know I can't control him, can't make him not drink, but I can control whether I participate in it.

" I will keep my end completley honest. Whether he does or not"
Our breakup occured largely due to a lack of communication. I have decided that I will tell all, no holds barred, whether it's in talking face to face or writing an email or letter. Even if it hurts, it's coming out. Sometimes if I'm not comfortable with telling him face to face I'll write it out, read it a couple of times and give it to him.

"I won't worry about what he's done since we 've been apart"
Whether he drank and how much, whether he contacted other females, participated in dating services or whatever. I only stated that if he had been sexually active with someone else he needed to say so, since sexually transmitted diseases and such would be a concern. He says he has'nt, I can only hope he's being honest about it. Thats a risk I have to take, to beleive what he tells me about that.

"I won't take care of him"
I won't clean up after him, I won't go get car insurance on him. I'll help him as long as he's trying. But I won't handle it all to a point that I'm gonna break down like I did before. If he drinks, gets stopped and hauled in, I won't go pick him up.

" I won't let my recovery be threatened"
I will continue my alanon and my goal to better myself, no matter what happens. I realize it is what is keeping me sane.

Anyways those are just some of the things I practice. Some qualify as a boundry, some don't. Hugs to everyone...Teggie
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Old 08-03-2004, 04:36 AM
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all - great replies. i guess it comes down to whatever works for the individual. some communicate to the A, some just set boundaries that they can practice without laying them out the the A. i appreciate all the input! cwohio
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Old 08-03-2004, 05:59 AM
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Thumbs down

Alot depends on teh circumstance and person you are dealing with. I have had to set boundaries with my Mom--food adn control are her issues. With her, I can't really say "these are the boundaries I have set up. Doesn't work! I just have to reinforce to her by words and actions what I will accept in behavior and what I won't. For example, she is in a nursing home, well cared for and has all she needs and more. But a few weeks ago, when I was getting a list of what she "needed" to keep in her room, one thing she requested was I stop adn get a dozen cookies at a local bakery. I just said "no". She pouted, tried the guilt card, " I don't have much pleasure in life..." that type thing, but I stood firm. Did I feel a twinge of guilt? Of course. Did I give in. No, because once I do, she has me in her control. My Dad faces the same issues and has more trouble setting boundaries, but they have been married 50 years, so I suppose old patterns are hard to break.
In any event, your gut will tell you what you need to do to stay sane. Follow it. It isn't wrong. :outtahere
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:14 AM
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thx dawn! cwohio
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Old 08-03-2004, 06:35 AM
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Hey CW,
I couldn't start setting boundaries until I started exploring who I was. Using the steps to get to know me helped me decide what I really wanted and didn't want. Once I knew myself, I gained the self confidence to let others know who I was, and in the process where my boundaries were. Some of the people in my life didn't like who I was and who I was becoming. I didn't push them away. They either accepted me for who I was, or they pulled away. Boundaries just happened as a result of me growing and not trying to be something I wasn't for others' approval. Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-03-2004, 07:12 AM
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magic - that makes sense - maybe i'll just see what transpires after getting in to the step workshops - 1st on is this saturday - that may help me clarify!

thanks the for input - hugs back cw
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