New to SR. And Forums- Boyfriend addicted to Subs and...

Old 11-26-2014, 05:36 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Unhappy New to SR. And Forums- Boyfriend addicted to Subs and...

Hello,
Totally new here and hoping to find some advice about my boyfriend's addictions. I've gone through heroin, alcohol and suboxone (currently) addictions with him and am at my breaking point. I actually just found an empty Ativan bottle in his desk drawer. 60 pills were given to him on 11/22. Now I know why he's been falling asleep by 7pm every night. I just figured it was subs. I'm 15 weeks pregnant... Eveything was going great and he was on his way to sober when I conceived. Or so I thought. Feeling like I made a huge mistake that will link me to him forever now. Don't consider myself naive, but here I am. There's been so many broken promises and harsh words ( from me). Feeling stuck. Hopeful that he will stick with sobriety (he's entering a recovery program on Monday) but also more worried that he won't.
Probably the worst thing I've ever dealt with in my life. I'm 35.
He amount of anger and resentfulness I feel can't be healthy but I feel like I have nowhere to go with these emotions. Any advice or insight would be so greatly appreciated.
LovesBulldogs79 is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 05:47 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
awwww sweetie, welcome to SR. i'm so sorry for what brought you here, but glad in your confusion you found us.

take some time and read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum. you have a lot on your plate but your primary concern has to be you and the baby. make sure to get rest, try not to solve all your problems TODAY. no matter what your BF does you will have to take care of you......
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 05:49 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What do you mean when you say "on his way to sober" was he using and promising to stop or had he quit briefly?
I wish I had done a lot of things differently when I was pregnant by my alcoholic ex (our son is now 5 and my ex has almost no contact with him, he never sought any kind of recovery and is still active in his disease).
This may sound crazy, but one of the best things you can do right now is stop worrying about what your bf chooses to do. It won't help him and it will only cause you stress, which is hard on you and the baby.
Have you tried Naranon or Alanon meetings or sought any kind of support for yourself? That is the best thing to do, especially working through anger and resentment. I sure had a lot of that and Alanon has been a lifesaver.
Your bf is going to do what he is going to do, that's all outside your ability to control. What you can do is start making plans for yourself and your child that don't depend on him being sober. That's not something you can count on, I'm sorry to say.
I made the mistake of hanging my definitions of happiness and success on my ex quitting drinking so we could have a family, and that never happened. I would have been better off on my own without living through 5 years of his drunken craziness and lies and promises and abuse.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 05:58 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
awwww sweetie, welcome to SR. i'm so sorry for what brought you here, but glad in your confusion you found us. take some time and read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum. you have a lot on your plate but your primary concern has to be you and the baby. make sure to get rest, try not to solve all your problems TODAY. no matter what your BF does you will have to take care of you......
Thank you. I keep reading that I should stop worrying abt what he does, but that is so hard for me! We live together and I feel the impact of his behavior when he's effed up. If I leave the room he follows me telling me that he's sober! What a joke!
LovesBulldogs79 is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 06:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
What do you mean when you say "on his way to sober" was he using and promising to stop or had he quit briefly? I wish I had done a lot of things differently when I was pregnant by my alcoholic ex (our son is now 5 and my ex has almost no contact with him, he never sought any kind of recovery and is still active in his disease). This may sound crazy, but one of the best things you can do right now is stop worrying about what your bf chooses to do. It won't help him and it will only cause you stress, which is hard on you and the baby. Have you tried Naranon or Alanon meetings or sought any kind of support for yourself? That is the best thing to do, especially working through anger and resentment. I sure had a lot of that and Alanon has been a lifesaver. Your bf is going to do what he is going to do, that's all outside your ability to control. What you can do is start making plans for yourself and your child that don't depend on him being sober. That's not something you can count on, I'm sorry to say. I made the mistake of hanging my definitions of happiness and success on my ex quitting drinking so we could have a family, and that never happened. I would have been better off on my own without living through 5 years of his drunken craziness and lies and promises and abuse.
He had quit using and drinking, was going to a psychiatrist (still is but he is lying to the psych) and had promised me he'd stick w a regular AA schedule of meetings. That lasted maybe 4 days.
I kicked him out when I was about 6/7 weeks preg because his drinking was out of control. The night he picked me up drunk from work was the night I lost it and made him leave.
I noticed his behavior get "weird" about 5 days ago. Now I see that it perfectly coincided with his Ativan Rx getting filled. He's gone thru 60 in 5 days.
It's just that it's always SOMETHING these days. I hear you when u say that I shudnt focus on what HE does, but I guess tht is so hard for me because 1) I'm angry that he won't stop/relapses constantly and 2) we live together. Sometimes I just want to get away from him and it feels impossible. He will literally follow me into another room to proclaim his innocence! While he's got glassy, half open eyes. Ugh.
I admit, I have not gone to Al-Anon due to nerves and living in such a small town. I think part of me resents the fact that I have to be in some kind of treatment when he's the one with addictions. Immature, perhaps - but it's how I feel.
LovesBulldogs79 is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 06:35 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.

I feel for you. Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and here you are, angry and confused about your ABF. It's not a good place to be emotionally.

But whether you're aware of this or not, you do have an out. You're 15 weeks along now. So not only do you have to take care of you, you have to take care of your baby. And you know this to be true.

So when it's time for you to make your decisions, put your baby first.

God Bless.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 11-26-2014, 07:59 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by LovesBulldogs79 View Post
He had quit using and drinking, was going to a psychiatrist (still is but he is lying to the psych) and had promised me he'd stick w a regular AA schedule of meetings. That lasted maybe 4 days.
I kicked him out when I was about 6/7 weeks preg because his drinking was out of control. The night he picked me up drunk from work was the night I lost it and made him leave.
I noticed his behavior get "weird" about 5 days ago. Now I see that it perfectly coincided with his Ativan Rx getting filled. He's gone thru 60 in 5 days.
It's just that it's always SOMETHING these days. I hear you when u say that I shudnt focus on what HE does, but I guess tht is so hard for me because 1) I'm angry that he won't stop/relapses constantly and 2) we live together. Sometimes I just want to get away from him and it feels impossible. He will literally follow me into another room to proclaim his innocence! While he's got glassy, half open eyes. Ugh.
I admit, I have not gone to Al-Anon due to nerves and living in such a small town. I think part of me resents the fact that I have to be in some kind of treatment when he's the one with addictions. Immature, perhaps - but it's how I feel.
Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this, please know you are not alone. I am 39, AH is heroin addict and he takes subs and xanax. And who knows what else. Today I found 2 bottles of xanax, empty, filled in the beginning of the months by two different doctors. He took went through 60 in less then a month. AH is doing heroin, subs and xanax in between. And there is not a thing I can do about it. It is heartbreaking. I have been through this hell back and forth for several years now. AH doesnt want to get clean and I keep hoping that he will. I have kids from previous marriage, I feel horrible for them. He just relapsed again, leaving us on Thanksgiving.

We too live together. I locked the door, send him a text not to come here. And thats it. I have my own separate bank account. We do have joint loan, and I have to deal with it. Its ok. Protect as much of your life as possible. Because unfortunately you cannot count on him. Little steps.
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 11-27-2014, 06:12 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It's easier said than done, I know, especially when you live together. My ex was a big one for following me around trying to pick a fight so I understand not always being able to get away.
Your feeling of resentment is also something I can totally identify with. HE is the one with the problem, why do I need to get help? I am really shy and it was terrifying for me to walk into those first couple of meetings.
How much do you depend on him to pay rent/bills? Do you two have any joint finances? You don't have to answer here, but it might be a good idea to keep that stuff as separate as possible because he is not going to be someone you can depend on. He clearly has no issue with lying to your face (my ex did that too, staggered around the house slurring, urine drying on the front of his pants- I'm not drinking, how can you say I've been drinking? Uh, because you're drunk? Duh.)
I used to think that if I could just talk to him and find the right words or the perfect way to say it, that I could make him see what he was doing and he would see the light and stop. If that was possible this website and Alanon and all the other stuff wouldn't exist. I didn't start going to meetings until after I left him, and it has made me better able to deal with his BS because we are tied by our son. He is pretty much a nonentity in our son's life, but he still pulls a crazy stunt every few weeks trying to jerk me around. Thanks to Alanon I hardly even get my feathers ruffled by his nonsense.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 11-27-2014, 08:14 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by glitterdeva View Post
Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this, please know you are not alone. I am 39, AH is heroin addict and he takes subs and xanax. And who knows ...
It's nice to know I'm not alone, although I'm not sure "nice" is the rt word. Comforted? Our situations sound pretty similar. How long has this been going on for you? We've been together 4 years with the majority of problems getting worse/spiraling in the last year and then he worst has been since he found out I was pregnant. A PLANNED pregnancy. Not a surprise. It your husband working? ABF is working part time, says he is doing his online classes (I see less evidence that this could be true anymore) but doesn't put effort into looking for full time work which is something that's been going on for almost 3 years. I will be getting my own account hopefully tomorrow if I can get away from work for tht long.
LovesBulldogs79 is offline  
Old 11-27-2014, 08:32 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
It's easier said than done, I know, especially when you live together. My ex was a big one for following me around trying to pick a fight so I understand not always being able to ...
The following someone around thing is so infuriating. It seems to me to show some incredible sense of delusion. I really don't depend on him for rent bills. He brings in between $150-$200 a week and that was supposed to all/mostly go into savings because we don't NEED it. My job could cover us both. It wouldn't allow for a lot of extras (Southern CA rent eats up HALF of my monthly take home) but it could work. Therefore, I know I could do this all on my own if it comes down to it. I am going to get my own bank account, hopefully tomorrow or Saturday. He's bad with money. Big surprise.
You know, I think the hardest thing - aside from the actual addiction/relapses - is that he is the sweetest, kindest, most empathetic, funny, smart, kind to animals (!) type of guy WHEN HE IS SOBER. My family adores him. They are aware of the issues although I don't tell them everything. No point. I have to make my own decisions.
I think I'm pretty tough and resilient as a person, but he thought of Nar-Anon/Al-Anon terrifies me! I'm afraid I'll start crying or some ****! Hahah! I tear up when I get nice messages from people on here!!
I, too, thought that if I just said the right thing he would really HEAR ME and see what he is doing to his life, my life...that literally everything is at stake here and now. He could stay and be a sober dad or he will have to leave. I worry that the 6.5 mos left until the baby gets here is not nearly enough time for him to make any serious progress. I'd rather not do this alone but I'm not putting my baby in danger because he can't stay sober. There is absolutely NO crossing that line for me.
I will get more info on the AA groups. It might just be time to suck it up.
LovesBulldogs79 is offline  
Old 11-27-2014, 08:57 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Now that I have more hindsight, my best advice is to have at least one or two or 10 back up plans for yourself and your child. Always make sure you have a way to stay safe financially, physically and emotionally should you need to protect the both of you.

Remain realistic about your situation. Don't try to hold onto his potential as the reason for staying. Your future is now. What your dealing with is the present. Holding onto what could be doesn't help your here and now.

Pay attention to your self talk because that more than anything I think keeps us stuck in situations and feeling helpless and lost. The most unkind person to us is most often ourselves.

If in your mind somewhere, you feel you can change him, give that notion up. The only person that can help him is himself. Any need to change within him will only come through his own motivations and reasons, not because you or your child needs it. Also, if you provide for his every need, he has no incentive to feel the impact of the consequences so don't step in to save him ever. Your only concern is to care for you and your child.

Don't isolate yourself. Get help wherever you can and accept help offered to you. Use every tool out there available to help you stay focused and deal with your emotions. Start looking now for places and people that can help you now and later. Don't wait until you need something.

Go to Narc-Anon or Ala-non and counseling. You need to be surrounded by support. If he doesn't get clean fast or even if he does, your going to feel alone during your pregnancy so try to prepare for that now. If he doesn't get clean, he'll be entrenched in his own needs seeking a fix and if he gets clean, he will need to dedicate most of his energy to participating in his recovery so he can be well for all of you later. So either way, expect that despite your own needs, he's going to appear selfish throughout your pregnancy. No momma or momma to be should have to feel alone so seek support other than him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My prayers and best wishes for all of you
waitingforhope is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:16 AM.