Timetoheal12

I am sorry, but I got to be honest: I talked to my ex one more time.
You can search for my other threads if you're interested on knowing how the story with him has been.

He said to me that I was the most special person on his life, that he will never forget about me and that he still feels something special abut me/still feels like we belong together, bla bla.

He added that even when he wanted it, it couldn't and wouldn't be because of his issues (alcohol) and then he "confessed" to me that he slept with his cheating ex one more time. He even told me that he didn't knew that his ex had a boyfriend at the time (...well, that's what he said) but that when he knew he stopped any kind of communication with her. He told me he wanted me to be "safe far away from both him and her".

(God only knows if that is true.. Because even when he was professing his undying love to me while we were a couple, he still had communication with her).

He, again, told me that he loved me more than anyone else. For what he said, he hasn't had a single drink on a month, but he didn't said he quited, he said he is just having a period of his life when he wants to stay at home and not party...

Then I asked him if something could be done (about "us"), that if he was being honest then what would be the problem... I explained to him that I always had been honest to him, but then he somehow switched personalities or something... and told me that I was the most annoying woman on earth and to please stop talking to him and continue with my own life alone or with someone that can stand me.


And that was it.
It was like two weeks ago.


I know it was a stupid mistake to talk to him, and I know it was all my fault.
What seems more terrible to me is the fact that I still believe he was real with me... I just wanted to be honest about this.

Thanks for everything.

shil2587

It's quite possible he is being real with you. He's told you that although he loves you, he's not quitting drinking, that he's slept with someone else and that he loves you enough to tell you that and to keep away from you.

Love is an action. Sounds like he's protecting you from the chaos he brings. Mine did the same, in a similar way. Listen to him. I know it hurts more than you think you can bear, but the space might well be what you both need.

For us, after a year apart, we're able to try again having both worked on ourselves and him.having got back into recovery.

Not saying the same will happen for you, but maybe use the the to work on you so that the next telationship, whomever it is with, is a stronger and healthier one.

NWGRITS

I'd say he's done you a favor by telling you to stay away. Take his advice and stop contacting him. The cheating alone is reason to stay gone. I've found my fair share of cheaters, and once they start, they don't stop. So, since your post was all about him, what about you? How can we help you fix yourself and find this amazing thing called recovery? Cause believe me, there are plenty of non-addicts out there who will give you the love you deserve without seeking anything outside of the relationship. Only thing is, you have to be able to love yourself first before anyone else can love you properly. You are worth so much more than he is capable of giving you.

dandylion

Timetoheal...at the time that he was saying the things that you wanted to hear (I loveyou;you are special)....he might well have meant it--TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY.
No doubt, he did like it when you twisted yourself into a pretzel of do for him--to please him--to treat him like a prince. Golly! Who wouldn't like that!

But, here is the sticky wicket--he sounds incapable of reciprocating in kind--which I am sure you desire (who wouldn't). If he was capable of cherishing, respecting you, and putting you on a pedestal--and giving of himself to you....we wouldn't be having this conversation...LOL! He is flawed and messed up in the relationship area.

You did nothing wrong by loving. It was just misplaced, because you didn't comprehend the limits of his abilities.
Please stop doubting yourself and your value. Tell yourself what he is missing out on.
It is his loss....but, remember, that is not your problem.

My dear....you need to formulate a "plan" for when you feel the pull to contact him again....because you haven't grieved long enough nor healed enough for that compulsion to totally vanish (yet).

You will rid yourself of this mental anguish....given enough time and space (and working o n your own self development, of course).

dandylion

P.S.---it is so easy to whisper sweet words on silk sheets...it is another matter to put it into action in everyday life!

HealingWillCome

No need for apologies here. Be gentle with yourself, Timetoheal. This is a group of people who have all been there, done that (believed the quacking of the alcoholic) at some point.

Dandylion's suggestion is right on the money. Have a plan for when you want to connect with him again. You can certainly post here. People will talk you through it. You'll start to realized that the compulsion to hear his sweet words is no different than the alcoholic's compulsion to drink. It's good for a quick fix, but once the high wears off you're right back in torture-ville.

Of course you're annoying to him when you call him out. Alcoholics don't like to be called out on their behavior. But please understand...it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him protecting his addiction. When you call him out, you shine the spotlight on reality. So he attacks, deflecting the problem back to you. He wants you to believe you're the one with the problem. His drinking and cheating and different personalities are absolutely not your problems.

We codependents have our own problems and this is why it's so important to separate ourselves from theirs. Until we do that, we're unable to look honestly at ourselves and start to work on our own healing. Al-Anon, reading, posting here, counseling, therapy...whatever it takes...you can find your healthy place.

He isn't your healer. Health and peace come from getting to the root of what makes us go looking for healing in unhealthy places. Those truths are inside you, waiting to be unlocked and set free so that you can move on to better, happier things. Don't let yourself buy into his garbage about finding someone who can stand you. That's cruel and way off base. You are worthy of healthy love and a happy relationship. Find your own healing first, and those things will follow.

NYCDoglvr

I would go NC for at least six months (better a year) to see if he can maintain sobriety. If he can't, everything else is irrelevant.

Timetoheal12

Thanks everyone for your kindness and honesty...
I will never know if he was honest. I will never know how many of the things he said are true...

I just know I want to be with someone who will love me everyday, and not just when it's "convenient" for him to "love" me.

It is kind of funny because, what attracted me to him on the first place was his kindness. So, to see him insulting me like that and telling me I am annoying and that no one can stand me was like if I never really met him at all...


One of you asked me: what about you? If I'm honest... I feel like I've been wasting my youth on this. I am dealing with self-esteem problems, doubting myself and being obsessive about this (him, me, why the relationship ended, if there was anything I could have done for things to stay fine...).

I just want to regain my confidence on me and my judgment. And more than that... I just want to treat myself like someone valuable and firmly believe it.

dandylion

Timetoheal....you WILL regain all that, again! You need some time and space away from him...healing time and time to properly finish grieving. But, you are on your way.

Be patient and work on yourself. Have you read Co-dependent No More? If not...I highly recommend it. You will find that a lot will probably resonate with you.
I am reading a good book, right now..."The Saber-Toothed Tiger--The one reason women stay with abusive men". Very interesting dynamics discussed. Easy to read--not too long. You can get both books cheaply as used books on amazon (or at the library, of course.

Be patient with yourself. Lots of others have been through the same think and come out much better on the other side.

dandylion

WMJ1012

I wouldn't say this is all your fault
It's really not about blame anyway. It's about seeing the Truth then how you can feel, think and act differently next time.

When people lay the charm on I'm aware today if it's honest or not. Usually the other person is looking to feed his ego so they feel better about themselves.

As you said, we suffer with low self-worth too, so what are my motives? Am I looking for someone to rescue me? Am i lonely? Unfulfilled because I'm not really doing the steps and helping others?

As a single woman, I would never be with an alcoholic unless they'd done the full program in AA exactly as it's outlined (I've done it myself so why would I settle?) and they were currently working the latter steps and living a true spiritual life.

When both people are evenly yoked and matured in recovery and service, those are the recovery relationships I admire the most.

I am trying to become the person I hope God brings me - if He chooses to do so.

There are other kinds of love too.

I am watchful of the predatory stuff. It can lower my self-esteem dangerously.

Timetoheal12

Sometimes I get worried I won't find the chemistry we had when we first met.
It was really easy to be together, everything was spontaneous and everything felt nice. As I mentioned on a previous thread, he was my first love. Other than him I've only had two other relationships.


At this point where he sometimes loves me and tells me I'm "the one"/then despises me and tells me I am a complicated and impossible-to-be-with kind of person I think it isn't possible for me to be with him. I am exhausted. I feel drained. I don't think I am like that... I have never cheated or been disloyal, so why would I be so terrible?... I know I believed in his words many times but no, I am not that terrible...

I somehow feel the need to be on a "safe spot"... and he will never be completely honest with me (I think). I don't want that.

And if he ever gets sober and gets to work on his abusive behavior I hope he gets the chance to have a healthy and meaningful relationship... I want the same for me. I want to feel free and not to think I have to stay there so he can be the same he was before the chaos started......


Thanks, I will try to get those books and stay in the forums.
When I came here and read other people's stories I feel like I understand many things. Thanks

dandylion

Timetoheal....trust me....you will find the same chemistry and Better.

I felt the same way as you, at one time. Then I found someone who was the "real deal" and I laugh at how nieve I was, back then.

dandylion

Timetoheal12

glad to hear there's hope. Thank you dandylion.

NWGRITS

I asked you about you because once upon a time I was just like you. I wasted so many years doing and being for people who wouldn't reciprocate. I gave everything I had to them and got nothing but heartbreak in return, and every time I believed it was something wrong with me that causes the relationships to end. Once I realized my picker was broken and started a recovery program in Al-Anon and therapy, I got stronger and started loving myself. Fast forward a few years and I have a good (not perfect - that doesn't exist) marriage and a happy family. I still have problems, but they are far easier to deal with now that I put myself first instead of trying to keep everyone else happy.

NYCDoglvr

Of course you do, and you deserve this. But active alcoholics are incapable of love ... like looking for a loaf of bread in the hardware store. I felt I took two steps forward, one step back and was helped so much by Alanon. Try to be gentle with yourself, we all have a process of some sort to go through and this is where you are now. But you will emerge from this place, I promise. A big hug.

Timetoheal12

Well, I guess that is the weird part for me because at first I didn't even know him and he basically made a lot of effort to get to know me and get me to be his girlfriend. That's why I said that the first thing that attracted me was his kindness... I thought (and he seemed to be) that he was a gentleman... But then he started treating other women better than me and bla bla. At first I was inexperienced so I thought that he maybe was reacting to the way I was... It took me a long time to see reality and to understand that he only changed because he wanted to get me, but when he did have me, his "real self" emerged.

It might sound weird, but it was like that...

Anyways, I do see your point. I think it almost was like I tried very hard just to cover him up in his inability to be stable and to treat me right. My brother even joked once and said that my ex acted like a drama queen... And he was 6 years older than me (I was 19) so... that was a red flag, maybe. I was acting like the one who had to protect him.

Timetoheal12

Thank you NYCDoglvr

I'm sorry for the ignorance, but... an alcoholic who isn't drinking (like for, two months) is still considered an active alcoholic?

NWGRITS

I found myself in my first real relationship the same way. By the time the truth came out, I was so enmeshed and felt like I had to fix it because by God I loved him and isn't this what love does, fix people? I stayed for five years through suicide threats, fights, leaving and coming back, and then finally he threw something at me and I walked. Never looked back, but then dove headfirst into another charming, kind, manipulative jerk. *sigh*

LexieCat

"Not drinking" for two months (or really, for any length of time) doesn't necessarily equal "sobriety."

I've been sober for six years, but for the first several months I was still pretty messed up in the head. And some people manage not to consume alcohol but never do anything else to change who/what they are inside and are even more miserable to deal with than when they are drinking.

Whatever this guy is/isn't doing as far as his drinking is concerned, it doesn't sound like he's relationship material. May not be for a very long time. May never be. I think you'd be better off getting on with your life.

Timetoheal12

I see. I definitely don't want to go through this all over again...

Timetoheal12

Thanks for answering my question.

Since they were really good times in our relationship I was afraid that maybe "I could have done it better"...
I was afraid that I somehow caused it.

I remember now the day I broke up with him. I tried to explain to him the reason why... And the only thing he could say to me was:

Are you sure?

He added: I hope you get psychological help soon. You have a twisted mind and are obsessive and insecure.


After that my world basically went down. I believed everything he said about me was truth.

And just 4 months later there he was, apologizing for the things he said.


I don't want to second doubt myself like I did the time he told me that.
I want to go on with my life.