Briar

Even sober I’m short with my daughter. I just want to be left alone, and she wants me to hold her and play with her constantly. She’s three, so I know this is completely normal. I try to be available and give her attention, but I can’t keep up with her demands, and I don’t really want anyone to talk to me or touch me. Sometimes she talks to me and I just shut down, won’t respond to her at all, because it’s overwhelming. I feel like a terrible mom. I know this isn’t good for her, and I think she’s becoming more defiant to seek attention. This shouldn’t be so hard. Was it better when I was drinking? Am I just more aware of it now? I don't know. Not very pleased with myself.

Dee74

I think you're beating yourself up here Briar.

I think it's normal for most if not all parents to be short with a needy toddler. They have boundless energy....

Can you make some time to be exclusively mom and daughter time? It might satisfy her (a little lol) and help you relax at the same time?

it wasn't better when you were drinking,. Every kid deserves a sober Mom
Kick that Av where it hurts

D

SoberD

Hi Briar, sorry to hear you are struggling with it. I'm not a parent but will say that the feeling of "wanting to be left alone" is strong for me too in early sobriety. Maybe you just need more time to heal?

Thepatman

I think it's perfectly normal. Little ones can be very demanding, especially single child's.

I have a little guy of my own, he likes to speak, and speak, and speak. Single dad so I cannot run for hills.

Doesn't make you a bad mom. You just need to find tricks, like mom needs a timeout. Go play with your things. Then when you feel calmer, you can join her for play time.

Gilmer

Take her out to do something fun and cheap, like the McDonalds playplace, if there is one near you. There is little demand for energy output from you--and she will have a blast and feel like you're the best mom in the world!

As for everyday life, just grit your teeth and be the best mom you can be as often as you can. Kids are remarkably forgiving and often see the very best in you. As long as you are trying, you are not "damaging her for life."

Dee is right--3 year olds are a maddening bundle of energy. It is common for them to be willful--it is probably not just you.

Definitely make time to have alone time, totally undisturbed. If your husband won't watch her, then find a willing teenager or family member. You need some space sometimes.

Soberwolf

I agree with D and if these feelings persist perhaps ask family for help ?

courage2

It's perfectly normal for it to be so hard. 3 year olds are hard to take. The good news is, she'll grow & you'll find other people for her to talk to -- playgroups, school. And you'll grow, too.

No. Having a drunk mom sucks. I'd trade a sober mom who was sometimes irritable or tired for a drunk mom 365 days of the year.

From your profile, you have about a month sober. No wonder you're tired and irritable! Congratulations, and try to give yourself and the kid a break from one another. Sounds like you need some pajama time!

sugarbear1

children will go through cycles of being demanding or resistant to others, it's their way of controlling their world and learning independence.

SoberComposer

Stick in there Briar! That age is pretty tough as far as neediness (niece & nephew experience). It gets easier but totally normal to want some peace and quiet!

Anna

Briar, being a Mom is the hardest job ever, and just know that you are doing fine. Three-year olds are talkative and demanding because they are learning at such a huge rate. Is there anyone who could look after her for a fixed time each week to give you a break?

FreeOwl

Are you getting enough support and time for self nurturing?

Parenting is HARD.

To be there for them, we also need to be there for us.

Nowsthetime

Don't feel bad for expressing those feelings. A lot of moms feel like that but society tells us that if we feel that we are "bad". Be patient and remember that she will only be little for a short time. Just think of how fast these 3 yrs have passed by.

I send you a hug.

RDBplus3

Hello Briar,
The book 'Screamfree Parenting' by Hal Edward Runkel helped my wife & I get a new perspective on dealing with our kids. Try it and see if it works for you.

RDBplus3...Sober & FREE

Ellay

She is chatty because you have taught her words...she is playful because you have encouraged her imagination....she wants to be close by you because you are her best friend how is that in anyway a bad mom? 3 year olds are notorious for pushing our buttons. Parenting is so hard at the best of times, and now with you overcoming a disease - well, no wonder you are at your wits end. Can you hire a teen to come by and take her to the park while you have some alone time?

VikingGF

Briar- I'm not a parent, but look at all this great advice! You're not a bad mom. You're a mom, and you're human and parenting is hard. Sober is always better.

Duffster

(((Briar))) You're not a bad mom! You're just admitting what most mom's are afraid to say out loud -- some times being a mom is a real pain in the neck I have two boys 4 & 5. I adore these two boys more than anything in the world, but there are times I want to scream when they're all over me and demanding my attention. And there are times I just do not want to be touched. They're both very affectionate and often I love that affection so much, but there also are times when I cringe from it. Doesn't make us bad moms, makes us human.

Hang in there, you're daughter needs you sober. None of us can be a perfect mom - but we can sure give them the best we've got when we're not drunk.

Gilmer

I've had five kids, and I swear the nickname "Terrible Twos" is a misnomer. It is definitely the Terrible Threes! That's when they start stepping into their big new personalities--and those personalities are larger than life in every way!

Within a few months she'll probably chill out a bit--my super-loud and bossy granddaughter just did!

Arbor

Don't beat yourself up briar. Your a great mom I'm sure. I have a two and a half year old boy and sometimes I wish I had a girl! The energy these little boys have is unreal. They are so physical and hardly sit still. My wife and I take turns with nights out or a day to oneself on the weekend every now and then. I know for a fact though this parenting thing is A LOT easier sober. I need all the energy I can get right now. Alcohol just destroys all that. Your doing really well at 30 days. Keep it up!

HeartsAfire

First of all you're not a bad mom.

Second, good for you for coming here to vent. As a mom I appreciate & respect honesty from other moms. It's too bad more people aren't honest about how HARD parenting can be at times. Sometimes frankly it sucks. On top of that, you're dealing with the hardest age (in my opinion). Then throw in recovery & it's even harder.

The good news is the Terrifying Threes disappear fairly quickly. In the mean time, as others have said try to come up with ways to get some relief (husband, partner, grandparents, uncles/aunts, etc). Heck, even if you have to set her in front of the TV - it won't damage her.Stickers are also great idea for this age (it strengthens fine motor muscles as well as captivates them). Anything for a few moments of peace will be a win/win for both of you.

Keep coming back here when you need to. There's tons of great parents on this board who will walk you thru the stressful times. I promise.

Briar

Thanks for your support. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone. I feel guilty about so much of what happened when I was drinking, and that guilt just spills into everything. I think what set me off today was looking at pictures of my daughter over the past year and knowing that I was loaded when I took them. It casts a shadow over all those memories, and it makes me feel pretty awful to think about it.

I managed to go for a walk by myself today, and then my daughter sat still for a movie, so I got a good chunk of time to myself. That helped a lot, and we had a good evening together. Now she's in bed (wearing her ballerina tutu over her pajamas, of course), and I don't feel like quite as big of a jerk as I did earlier.

So thanks again for your help!