Sparky1984

I started seeing a close friend about 6 weeks ago. All was good and I hope still is. The last few days I can see the frustration/anger starting to rise and today they are extremely angry. They are sober a year and a half now. I have read that anger can lead to relapse quite easily so Im worried that this may happen, although I dont think it will but who knows. Im not sure what to say to him, we dont live together so I dont see him all the time but by texting today, he is quite aloof and not saying much or texting as much as normal so I can tell things arent right. He has avoided seeing me tonight saying he is no company and has had a nightmare day. I dont know if this has anything to do with me or not but I dont wanna be selfish asking him that. So im kind of worried.....

Any advice on how to approach this situation is appreciated.

dandylion

Sparky.....think of him like you would an angry lion with a thorn in his paw.
The best thing would be to keep a safe striking distance away from the lion. It makes no difference what your motivation or needs are...the lion is going to strike you. Because it is not about you...the lion is angry and is going to do what lion's do.

There is nothing you can do...except detach and protect your own psychological self.
His recovery is in his own hands. There is pleanty of help if he decides that he wants it.
I wonder if he is really working a strong program of recovery...because there is such a big difference between being sober and recovering.

I think it is a blessing that you don't live with him....it would be soooo much worse...LOL!
For your own good...I say the more distance, the better.

Please hang around this forum and learn as much as you can. Knowledge is p ower.

dandylion

P.S. One of my sweetest and funniest cats, ever, was named "Sparky". I love that name!

Sparky1984

Thanks dandylion!

He seems to have a good recovery plan. Aftercare once a week, 2 meetings a week and visits his sponser once a week to redo the 12 steps after rehab. His sponser has been there the last 2 weeks but he has been working on his step 4 last night so wonder is that contributing to the way he is feeling today. Hard to keep distance when you care so much but Im making myself. Im hoping to learn alot more as I do find it hard when anyone I care about feels bad. Even now I can feel that it is making me very worried but probably for my own selfish reasons!!! Time will tell I guess!

53500

Sparky, you're a good friend to be concerned for him. If he communicates in an open and friendly way then respond. If not - well, you can ask him what's wrong or say you are concerned or whatever but if he is not receptive then drop it.

As to this: Take him at his word. Say, if anything, "sorry you had a bad day" and then leave him alone. And don't take it personally. It's not you. It's him. Honestly it sounds like it's all him and his mood.

biminiblue

Just worry about soothing yourself in ways that don't involve trying to figure him out.

Fourth step work is difficult. If he is reacting in ways that make you uncomfortable, leave him alone.

It's not about you.

dandylion

Sparky.....as you learn more, this will become a lot easier (I promise).

There is a book that is practically "classic" reading, around these parts. It is called "Co-Dependent No More". You can get it from the library or at great discount if you get a used one o n Amazon.
I think you will find that so much of it will resonate with you. It is very, very reader friendly. I think a lot of things will start to "fall into place" for you.
Maybe, "treat" yourself to this...LOL!

Yes, time will tell more. Time and space are on your side. Time and space.

sincerely,
dandylion

Sparky1984

Thanks guys! It is alot harder than i expected! He doesnt wanna talk but is well able to go on Facebook all the same!!!!
Its hard not to take things personally but I know at the back of my mind that its him. I was in a relationship for years which I had to care for someone so its so hard to break the habit i guess.
That sounds like a good book dandylion... Will defo source that. I want to do all I can to help cos I really want this to work between us. So ill do what I can, no matter how hard

AnvilheadII

remember he is entitled to feel what he feels and you don't need to DO anything about it! If he's having a rough day, doesn't wanna talk, then let him be. his recovery is HIS to manage.....24/7.

I know, easier said than done but that should be the goal. live and let live!

auroraxborealis

This.

I had a hard time with my RXBF when we were together because he wouldn't text me back, or talk to me if I was with him but would talk to other people. He was always on his phone and turning the screen away. Or he'd get on FB and "like" other people's posts and pictures, but not mine.

I drove myself crazy wondering why he didn't have time to talk to me. I always thought he was just picking others over me, or he didn't want to talk to me, and we were dating. Clearly he didn't want me anymore, right!??! Ugh. Again, I definietly drove myself crazy. If I ever wanted to throw myself into a mood, all I have to do is check his FB (either his, or his "other" one).

I'm getting better. The other day we went to the gas station for his sister and he handed me his phone so she could talk us through how to mix her coffee correctly (she's a barsita, ha) and I dropped his phone! The back came off and he said wow I let you hold my phone and you drop it? gee, thanks! (totally kidding.) Then the next day, I saw him and his family at a waterpark, and he put his stuff with mine: wallet, lighter, cigarettes, phone. I said something cheeky like omg who are you, I get to hold your phone? He didn't respond though. (funnily I'm one of those people who never says anything and gets resentful that I don't, so I'm trying to actually say what's on my mind instead of holding it in). ANYWAYS I had his phone in my pocket while I changed into my swimming suit and not once was I tempted to look at it--we are not together, he has a right to his own privacy, he is not breaking any relationship rules by texting anyone, so why am I going to go crazy by sneaking a peek?

I am ashamed to admit that he left his wallet in my car the same weekend and I looked inside. Ughhhhh I'm just a work in progress? There wasn't even anything exciting inside so that was my confirmaton to STOP DOING THIS TO HIM AND MYSELF. The two above phone instances happened after the wallet. If I checked his phone I would have felt awful both for invading his privacy and respect and that I let myself do it.

It's easier now that I've realized what he does has nothing to do with me. Not easy, but easier. This site and sporadic Alanon meetings help. If course, I'm still totally in love with him and am trying to navigate through what to do with that fact.

sorry for the tangent and post hijacking!!