another chaotic holiday

Old 11-26-2014, 06:56 AM
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another chaotic holiday

i have posted here before but it has been some time. my son who i had mentioned in earlier posts was arrested many times, stabbed and been in and out of jail 13 times in 6 years. yes, i know what a fool i am for bailing him out over and over again. well this last stint i left him in jail for 5 months with 4 felonies pending. his lawyer said to bail him out because the last felony would look better to the court if he fought it from the outside. after attending FA and naranon i had all the tools to hopefully stand my ground. but no, i listened to the lawyer. he agreed to a long term treatment plan with me if i bailed him out. i put up 10,000 and brought him home. within 2 hours he was looking for drugs. he drove his car with no plates and no license. he did a phone intake for the rehab and it is a 2 week bed wait. i am struggling to hang on to my sanity . i could kick myself for being manipulated yet again. on the positive side, if there is one through this site i have learned so much that even despite my mistake this go around, the ownership is on him. i see i cannot make him go to meetings or do the right thing, the ball is in his court. instead of falling apart worrying about his outcome i can know in my heart i did what a loving mother would do and offered him the help. he had the option and what he does with it is up to him. i thank you all for all your strength and wisdom through all of your challenges and realize that i can not take ownership for him. he is 24 and i must let go of my hopes for him. if he has none for himself . some addicts don't have a bottom, he is one of them. good family, loving parents and he cannot grab onto any positive options. though he has not learned, i have learned i cannot control another person and all the love i have will not "fix" him. i am just so sad that my younger son who is home from college for the holiday had to witness the chaos again. another holiday ruined by his older brother, no peace in my house , it is a war zone. i realize i have so far to go on my own behavior and the only person that will change in this scenario is me.
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Old 11-26-2014, 07:51 AM
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Hey...

I'm glad you've come back to give us an update.

If there's one common thread that we see with our resident moms, it's their tendency to give their addict children the benefit of the doubt. It's their kids, after all.

But my hope for you is you arrive at a place where you still love your son, but no longer take part of the cycle of lunacy that you've found yourself in. It's always a challenge to get there. But once you make that decision, then you will know peace.

Happy Thanksgiving.
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Old 11-26-2014, 08:43 AM
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You may not feel this way now, but I hear a great change in perspective on your part. We parents have to get to our bottom, too, and realize when we have done all we can do and feel okay in our hearts with letting our addict child face what they alone have to face.

I hope you can do something special with your other son this weekend, and that you are able to relax a bit despite your addict son.

Take care, and keep us posted. You are making progress, even though it may not feel that way now. We can hear it in your words
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Old 11-26-2014, 08:47 AM
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Hello, and a big hug to you.

It's a process in leaning how to deal with those we love who are addicts. Attorneys are only there to do what is right for you legally, not what is right to fight addiction. Lesson learned, you cannot turn back time.

You have offered everything you can, love and recovery. Turn him over to God. You may not be able to hear the wisdom about yourself in your own post, but I definitely can. Keep working on it!

Many hugs and prayers coming your way!
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Old 11-26-2014, 09:54 AM
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Dear Ocean Lady, I am sending big hugs. I know this is a hard path but you state many truths in your posts. Letting go is the beginning of your recovery. You can even tell your son you are done, but you MUST put actions behind it. I think once we pull away, the final realities begin to set in. My son spent 9 months in jail between September of 2012 and July of 2013 because of his choices. He turned 23 and missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years of 2013 because of his actions. I think he finally understood that he would continue to miss out on life's events and that time gave him some perspective.
Once you son gets into rehab, it is wise if you are able to DETACH. You can be there for love but not so much for face to face support, etc. He needs to choose his path.
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Old 11-28-2014, 05:25 PM
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Oceanlady - I am so sorry about the drama you are enduring. I know all too well how this is but I thank you for sharing this. It convinces me that I am on the right path of stopping the insanity by allowing the addiction back into my house.
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:13 PM
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Do not beat yourself up. We all struggle and do slip ourselves in our recovery. Being the mother of an addict is so hard, even though it seems like it should be simple enough. But, they are our children and even though we know what we should do and not stand in the way of their bottom, we do make mistakes. I know I have, especially during this holiday time. However, even though I have helped my son, when I should have not, I do know, as it appears you are aware, that there is nothing I can do to make him stop using or stop making choices he has.

We too must grow stronger little by little. I have found I have taken 1 step forward and 2 steps back during this time, but at least I am not caving in on everything. Hang in there. My prayers go out for you and your sons.
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