Y'all drink too much.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
Y'all drink too much.....
My daughters are here for Thanksgiving and its been awhile since we were all together. They are young and beautiful, all three have good jobs and an honest work ethic. Two of them flew in from Texas last night, so everyone sat around the kitchen table - drinking. Drinking quite a lot it seems. I went to bed at about 11:30 and this morning I'm counting up the cans. One almost finished a large bottle of white wine and two had a 12 pack between them. The youngest has had a couple of MIPs before she was 21 - and I've always been more worried about her. Their father is an alcoholic who "moderates" four beers a night.
I am very close to a 100 days sober. I see my lovely daughters going down a slippery slope and I feel fear. I also feel terribly responsible for not giving them a nondrinking role model until now. Although I drank rmuch less when they were younger, my wine intake had increased over the last couple of years.
My question - do I say anything to them while they are here about this? I usually do say what is on my mind to them, so it would not be out of character. Do I have the right to bring this up on such a festive occasion ( it is so good to have them here)??
I am very close to a 100 days sober. I see my lovely daughters going down a slippery slope and I feel fear. I also feel terribly responsible for not giving them a nondrinking role model until now. Although I drank rmuch less when they were younger, my wine intake had increased over the last couple of years.
My question - do I say anything to them while they are here about this? I usually do say what is on my mind to them, so it would not be out of character. Do I have the right to bring this up on such a festive occasion ( it is so good to have them here)??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 199
Sounds like they are adult children. Be careful how you relay the message. I'd hold off until after the holiday, prior to them flying out. Relate the story to your struggles and their dads, explain how it runs in the family and that you love them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Tricky... I know when my brother and I would go to Michigan to be with my mom for the holidays, he would drink a 1.75 ml of vodka in one night. Mom would tell him to slow down, be careful etc. and it just made him drink more. He argued that he was an adult, didn't need the booze police, etc.
But in your case you are in recovery. My mom just didn't drink that much to begin with. Different dynamic. Do they know you are in recovery? They probably want to support you...
But in your case you are in recovery. My mom just didn't drink that much to begin with. Different dynamic. Do they know you are in recovery? They probably want to support you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
If they are young its possible they aren't alcoholics but just like to drink a lot. There are a lot of young people that drink 1-2 times a week and drink a lot, especially during gatherings. It'd be a good idea to mention that it runs in the family, but they might just be being young. Young people drink. There is a fine line between that and alcoholism however.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
Artfriend, they know and they think it's silly because I always have been such a "cheap drunk" to them. It never took a whole lot (a couple of glasses of wine) to get me tipsy when they were younger and living at home. It's just the whole attitude of drinking that I find rather awful right now. Im pretty judgemental about it, I realize.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
IMHO, I have learned for me that only my actions/behaviors may have any impact on others actions - if at all!
I was capable of giving the best advice to family and never following it myself.
I will have a similar issue with daughter and her family at Christmas. My intent is to have ice chest on back porch with a garbage can. I don't care if they imbibe but I do not want beer/in fridge as don't want to see it every time I open it. I am within my rights to make the house alcohol free and may do so down the road. But, until my own house is truly in order and I have walked the walk for at least a year, I will just enjoy their company and not fret. Heck, it was only 6 months ago - last time I saw them that Fly was right in the middle of it!
At some point, if they perceive a problem within themselves - I will remain approachable.
Sobriety becomes highly desirable for others, IMO when I remain humble and quiet. They need to see my actions and behaviors now mimic my values and beliefs - no more words......
Warm Regards,
FlyN
I was capable of giving the best advice to family and never following it myself.
I will have a similar issue with daughter and her family at Christmas. My intent is to have ice chest on back porch with a garbage can. I don't care if they imbibe but I do not want beer/in fridge as don't want to see it every time I open it. I am within my rights to make the house alcohol free and may do so down the road. But, until my own house is truly in order and I have walked the walk for at least a year, I will just enjoy their company and not fret. Heck, it was only 6 months ago - last time I saw them that Fly was right in the middle of it!
At some point, if they perceive a problem within themselves - I will remain approachable.
Sobriety becomes highly desirable for others, IMO when I remain humble and quiet. They need to see my actions and behaviors now mimic my values and beliefs - no more words......
Warm Regards,
FlyN
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Inchworm well done on your near 100 days i dont allow alcohol in my home if it could trigger a relapse id say something
if not & you think you can get through make it known next time im sure your daughters will still come to see you and quite possibly follow your set example next time ?
congrats again
good luck
if not & you think you can get through make it known next time im sure your daughters will still come to see you and quite possibly follow your set example next time ?
congrats again
good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I think it's one of those things they need to realize for themselves to where I wouldn't bring it up. Be a good example for them. If they know you've quit drinking, they may eventually ask for your opinion, but I would only express your thoughts then.
If you do bring it up, there is the potential they will feel embarrassed and/or judged when they were just trying to have fun.
If you do bring it up, there is the potential they will feel embarrassed and/or judged when they were just trying to have fun.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
As Soberwolf said, I don't allow alcohol in my home, ever. It really makes life more simple.
My advice is to say nothing. They are adults and you risk upsetting the Thanksgiving holiday.
My advice is to say nothing. They are adults and you risk upsetting the Thanksgiving holiday.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Art already asked what I was thinking.
Perhaps before they leave talk to them individually. Nothing dramatic. Just voice your concern and relate it to your circumstances. Hopefully the can acknowledge it as adults and it will give them something to think about. I wouldn't make it a point of group conversation.
Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. And as always, be prepared for some stress and have a 'safe' strategy.
Perhaps before they leave talk to them individually. Nothing dramatic. Just voice your concern and relate it to your circumstances. Hopefully the can acknowledge it as adults and it will give them something to think about. I wouldn't make it a point of group conversation.
Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. And as always, be prepared for some stress and have a 'safe' strategy.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Okay...This was one night, coming back from college during Thanksgiving. I'm certain that this get together was replicated among thousands of families across the nation, and that not everyone who participated is either an alcoholic or a problem drinker.
You've acknowledged that you're "judgmental" about the "whole attitude of drinking right now," which indicates that you're angry and intolerant. So your motives are tainted which doesn't make you the best candidate to lead an intervention. I imagine that they have at least two more days with you and, given your mental and emotional state around drinking, your commenting on how much they drank after their first night home is a strategy that's destined to fail.
If their drinking pattern persists or escalates while they're with you, if they act out in objectionable ways while they're drinking, or certainly if someone gets hurt while they're drinking, then the morning after would be a good time to bring it up. But not from you. Perhaps you can collaborate with their mother on this or a trusted friend or family member, and then have that person intervene with care and concern rather than criticizing them for their behavior.
In the AA Big Book, Step Twelve is about helping others who are suffering, alcoholic or not. There's a reason why the Steps are in the order that they're in. Doesn't mean you can't help someone who's suffering before you do the first eleven steps. Only means that we're more prepared to do so when we've worked through our own issues around alcohol, and have worked on improving the person we became while drinking.
The last thing you want is Matt Foley barging in, telling them how he spends his time eating a steady diet of government cheese, is thrice divorced, and living in a van down by the river as a result of his drinking and drug use.
As others have said, your own behavior may well be the best you have to offer right now, especially since they are aware of your past drinking.
You've acknowledged that you're "judgmental" about the "whole attitude of drinking right now," which indicates that you're angry and intolerant. So your motives are tainted which doesn't make you the best candidate to lead an intervention. I imagine that they have at least two more days with you and, given your mental and emotional state around drinking, your commenting on how much they drank after their first night home is a strategy that's destined to fail.
If their drinking pattern persists or escalates while they're with you, if they act out in objectionable ways while they're drinking, or certainly if someone gets hurt while they're drinking, then the morning after would be a good time to bring it up. But not from you. Perhaps you can collaborate with their mother on this or a trusted friend or family member, and then have that person intervene with care and concern rather than criticizing them for their behavior.
In the AA Big Book, Step Twelve is about helping others who are suffering, alcoholic or not. There's a reason why the Steps are in the order that they're in. Doesn't mean you can't help someone who's suffering before you do the first eleven steps. Only means that we're more prepared to do so when we've worked through our own issues around alcohol, and have worked on improving the person we became while drinking.
The last thing you want is Matt Foley barging in, telling them how he spends his time eating a steady diet of government cheese, is thrice divorced, and living in a van down by the river as a result of his drinking and drug use.
As others have said, your own behavior may well be the best you have to offer right now, especially since they are aware of your past drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 129
Saying stuff to our older children about their lifestyles goes in one ear and out the other. They know in their own intuitions about their habits. They also see that you have quit. Congratulations on your 100 days and for being strong while having the party go on around you.
That being said, one thing you could say, is how YOU feel around all their drinking. If it bothers you ask them not to bring it around you. If it doesn't bother you, then I would say nothing. You can talk about yourself and your feelings.
Ask the universe for an opportunity to talk to them - let synchronicity bring about the exact right moment - perhaps it's now and it will be shown to you? Perhaps it's not now but at some other time. You'll know.
That being said, one thing you could say, is how YOU feel around all their drinking. If it bothers you ask them not to bring it around you. If it doesn't bother you, then I would say nothing. You can talk about yourself and your feelings.
Ask the universe for an opportunity to talk to them - let synchronicity bring about the exact right moment - perhaps it's now and it will be shown to you? Perhaps it's not now but at some other time. You'll know.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Maybe you could phrase it in a way to say that you are really proud of your own sober time, that it is hard work, and you would appreciate if they would abstain in your home. That you need their help. A lot of times people are more willing to see your problem and help you than you trying to point out that they have a problem.
I don't want to minimize, however is it possible they don't drink like that often and were just doing so on this occasion b/c they were all together?
Be open and honest. Congrats on your own sobriety, keep it 1st...always!
I don't want to minimize, however is it possible they don't drink like that often and were just doing so on this occasion b/c they were all together?
Be open and honest. Congrats on your own sobriety, keep it 1st...always!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
I can only speak from experience here, but since I 've given up drinking, my son has too. He saw his dad do it about ten years ago, and now me. That was enough to get him thinking. He is 28 and that kind of age is when a lot of young people begin to settle down a bit.
I've never said anything to him about his drinking habits. because he would have felt nagged, and that maybe would have made him stubborn about it.
With the utmost respect, I would be careful of coming across in any way preachy, Inchworm. x
I've never said anything to him about his drinking habits. because he would have felt nagged, and that maybe would have made him stubborn about it.
With the utmost respect, I would be careful of coming across in any way preachy, Inchworm. x
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I would not say anything as long as they are not loud or destructive. It could only lead to tensions and resentments.
If you are very concerned and you see a pattern of drunkeness (nor just while hanging out together on a holiday) then bring it to them individually.
If you are very concerned and you see a pattern of drunkeness (nor just while hanging out together on a holiday) then bring it to them individually.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Woodburn, OR
Posts: 422
Nope
Hi there,
I can appreciate/relate to your concern for your children and also your own sobriety. I am newly sober and also have a son- although still a minor. But I do agree with most of the posts here and have experience on your daughters side of things. My mother drank for years and we all had to deal with it. When she got sober after we kids were adults and a long time out of the house we were still in the habit of having drinks at her home during family get togethers. She led by example and didn't give us a hard time. I know very well that if she had it would of brought up a lot of anger on our part about having an absentee mother for so many years and I'm sure the whole get together would be destroyed with fights and resentment. My brother and I eventually found our own reasons to quit or change our patterns. If it comes to that I'm sure your lovely daughters will too. Enjoy this time with your family, hugs!
I can appreciate/relate to your concern for your children and also your own sobriety. I am newly sober and also have a son- although still a minor. But I do agree with most of the posts here and have experience on your daughters side of things. My mother drank for years and we all had to deal with it. When she got sober after we kids were adults and a long time out of the house we were still in the habit of having drinks at her home during family get togethers. She led by example and didn't give us a hard time. I know very well that if she had it would of brought up a lot of anger on our part about having an absentee mother for so many years and I'm sure the whole get together would be destroyed with fights and resentment. My brother and I eventually found our own reasons to quit or change our patterns. If it comes to that I'm sure your lovely daughters will too. Enjoy this time with your family, hugs!
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