My poor mother.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1
My poor mother.
My mother loves me more than she loves anyone else on this planet. I'm her only baby and i feel sorry for her that she loves such a loser unconditionally.
I recently relapsed on my crack addiction after 2 years clean. Ive ruined my life. Again.
My mom is so good to me, even in my relapse. Letting me stay at her place, completely taking care of me. But today I went to my apartment to get things and I slipped again. And I didn't go back to my moms, i told her I slipped again and she told me to come back when I'm ready.
I love her so much, yet I keep choosing this disgusting life-ruiner over her. I want to die. I want to end it all because obviously I can't make it as an adult alone. I need a watchdog at all times. I'm 27 years old and I need a babysitter.
This way I could die with dignity, not suffering and failing continuously.
I would kill myself, seriously, but I made an attempt 4 years ago and it's a wonder I'm alive without brain damage apparently. Or alive at all. That scared me, I never considered screwing up suicide and being a vegetable.
Also, it destroyed my mother. I promised I would never try that again.
Also, less than a year ago her husband, my stepdad, commit suicide and it was just terrible. It hurt so many people. Especially my mother. I couldn't let my mother have the 2 people she loved most both kill themselves.
i don't know what she'd do. She'd be a mess. And rightfully so.
I am a terrible person. And I don't know what to do now because i slipped after 2 years, Ill never feel confident again.
I recently relapsed on my crack addiction after 2 years clean. Ive ruined my life. Again.
My mom is so good to me, even in my relapse. Letting me stay at her place, completely taking care of me. But today I went to my apartment to get things and I slipped again. And I didn't go back to my moms, i told her I slipped again and she told me to come back when I'm ready.
I love her so much, yet I keep choosing this disgusting life-ruiner over her. I want to die. I want to end it all because obviously I can't make it as an adult alone. I need a watchdog at all times. I'm 27 years old and I need a babysitter.
This way I could die with dignity, not suffering and failing continuously.
I would kill myself, seriously, but I made an attempt 4 years ago and it's a wonder I'm alive without brain damage apparently. Or alive at all. That scared me, I never considered screwing up suicide and being a vegetable.
Also, it destroyed my mother. I promised I would never try that again.
Also, less than a year ago her husband, my stepdad, commit suicide and it was just terrible. It hurt so many people. Especially my mother. I couldn't let my mother have the 2 people she loved most both kill themselves.
i don't know what she'd do. She'd be a mess. And rightfully so.
I am a terrible person. And I don't know what to do now because i slipped after 2 years, Ill never feel confident again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 199
At this point all you can do is get clean. In Patient would probably be appropriate. Recovery is a life long challenge, and you did make it two years prior. You can do this for you and your mother. Do whatever it takes to get clean.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Addiction is a disease, not a character defect.
It's not helpful to think of yourself as a terrible person.
The only thing to do is to get back on track, and keep reading and posting here because we do understand.
It's not helpful to think of yourself as a terrible person.
The only thing to do is to get back on track, and keep reading and posting here because we do understand.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome, Blankspace 
Some good advice above. I will also echo that you are not a loser or a terrible person. Your concern for your mother proves that.
Stay close, we will support you, keep posting.
It might help you to talk to a professional about your thoughts-your doc might be a good place to start.
Some good advice above. I will also echo that you are not a loser or a terrible person. Your concern for your mother proves that.
Stay close, we will support you, keep posting.
It might help you to talk to a professional about your thoughts-your doc might be a good place to start.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Good advice above. You are not a bad person or a loser. you are an addict. This is treatable. Please. your mom may not be there forever. Please get some meaningful help, you can get and stay sober and clean. First, get a plan. AA/NA is good. Also, look into Rational Recovery. you can read more about that in the Secular Section of SR.
I think it's very important to get some face to face support. AA/NA or personal therapy is very, very helpful.
Do take care of you. Your mom is very important. You will want to be with h as time goes by, don't lost time with her because youre stoned/high/disabled by addiction.
Stick around SR, It's full of great support. Open 24 hours!
Love from Lenina
I think it's very important to get some face to face support. AA/NA or personal therapy is very, very helpful.
Do take care of you. Your mom is very important. You will want to be with h as time goes by, don't lost time with her because youre stoned/high/disabled by addiction.
Stick around SR, It's full of great support. Open 24 hours!
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Parkman OH
Posts: 114
To be there for her you need to be there for yourself. Get help, surround yourself with sober/clean people, get rid of the toxic people that draw you to use, they won't be there for you in the long haul anyways.
Get a program, a sponsor, and all the numbers of sober/clean people you can. Use them as a crutch to get through till tomorrow.
Get a program, a sponsor, and all the numbers of sober/clean people you can. Use them as a crutch to get through till tomorrow.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome blankspace 
You'll find a lot of support here - you're not alone.
To me, one of the most insidious things about alcoholism is the despair it leaves us with.
When I sopped drinking that despair left me, and my perceptions about a whole host of things changed.
I'm sure it would be that way for you too.
I hope you'll come back and be a regular contributor here.
This community helped me turn my life around and rediscover the real me again
I'm glad you found us
D
You'll find a lot of support here - you're not alone.
To me, one of the most insidious things about alcoholism is the despair it leaves us with.
When I sopped drinking that despair left me, and my perceptions about a whole host of things changed.
I'm sure it would be that way for you too.
I hope you'll come back and be a regular contributor here.
This community helped me turn my life around and rediscover the real me again
I'm glad you found us
D
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