12stepwife

I am so confused...my AH has been in rehab for 6 weeks. He tells me I have to work on my problems too but can't seem to tell me what my problems are. I don't think I have problems. He is my 2nd husband. I was single 17 years when I met him. He was sober 5 years when I met him. He started drinking about 6 months after we started dating. He hid it for a long time. We got married last year and I probably shouldn't have married him due to the drinking. I was perfectly happy before I met him. I read all the al-anon stuff that tells me forget about him, focus on me, fix me, don't participate in his problem, etc. I'm a caring nurturing person. What I read says I'm a co-dependent because I try to help people and take care of them. Ok...so what....why is me being me make me have a problem? Why do I have to change? I like me. I'm responsible, I've managed a bank for 25 years, I raised 3 wonderful well adjusted happy sons, I have many many friends...I don't know what my problems are or why I have to change. I feel resentful that I keep being told by his therapists, people at al-anon,my husband that I have problems too. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm here working my tail off paying the bills while he's in a 5 million dollars rehab/home that seems like a 5 star resort telling me what's wrong with me but not actually telling me what's wrong. Im just so confused.

Akita

Ultimately you will do what your gut says, but after reading everyone's stories on this and many other forums, I'd run away as fast as you can. Too may people's lives get screwed by alcholocs and their lies. It's just not worth it at this stage in your l.ife. Run away and find a better man. He's already lied to you. You dont trust him and probably never will. You will be happier in the end, especially if you keep reading this forum years from now to see how things sometimes never change in addicted/ codependent relationships.

I know this is blunt stuff, just my honest opinion. I hbope your soon to be ex can find the support he needs to get and stay sober. Just remember he may or may not, you dont need to waste your time and life to wait around to see. I could go on and in but suggest you keep reading people's stories. Instead of reading current posts, click on a specific person you feel has it together on this fourm and read all their posts, look at their history of ups and downs, their struggle to beat this awful disease. What horrible lives codependents have gone through, I doubt you want any of that. This is an uphill battle for achoholics, the older they are the harder is is to get and stay sober. Be smart and run away as fast as you can. Sounds like you've worked too hard to end up codependent and married to an alcoholic.

12stepwife

Is there no hope for his recovery and a normal life for us?

ubntubnt

Hiya...personally I would never allow anyone to tell me that I have "problems" or that I am "not good enough" or that I need to address my "deficiencies" without asking them for specifics. Either someone can be specific and explain what they mean or its just nonsense talk. Let them be specific with me and I will listen. then I will take it away, think about it and decide whether they have a point or not. Protect yourself first.

Akita

Im new to all this and have been doing a ton of reading in my recent discovery of my problem and recovery. I have tired AA and it's just not my thing. That's why I'm here on this forum, I also go to life ring meetings. From my experience this is a devastating and progressive disease. You don't need to endure this debilitating disease. It may never get any better for you as long as you stay with him, do you want to take that chance in this stage in your life?

Akita

Your first post in April 2013 was an indication of what was to come. If you read all the posts, stories and history of people's lives and relationships on this forum, you should have gotten a clue of the typical cycle of toxic relationship of an alcoholic and their codependent spouse. I know, I'm in one of them. But the difference is this is my first marriage with an 11 year old son and never got to the point of the cycle, yet? Who knows... That's a lot different where you are in your life. I'm sober now and intend to stay that way. My life is good with a healthy son and supportive wife.

dandylion

12step wife. I wouldn't worry about what labels other people are putting on to you. Co-dependency is currently the popular word used to describe a person who has a lack of relationship with themselves. Sometimes, it doesn't show in every area of one's life.
Some people can be very successful and confident in some areas of their life (like work world). but have difficulty in their intimate, close, personal relationships.

I would suggest that you ask yourself if you are content with your life just as it is today?
Do you know what you need and what is in your best, overall welfare?
Is your life going in the direction that feels right to you in the core of yourself?
Are you afraid or paralized to make changes in your life if it turns out that you need to?

If you don't know the answers to some of these basic questions...I suggest that you set about to find the answers. You don't have to necessarily listen to him or his therapists.
Find your own answers--just like you would if you didn't even know him.

I hear that you want your husband to be sober and for your marriage to work.
That sounds like what anybody would want...a sober husband and a satisfying marriage.
Sometimes this is possible--and other times it is not. It is up to you to find out what the reality of your situation if for you.

I say that it would be a good idea for you to ask yourself the hard questions and to learn all you can learn.
Search out mentors and be with people who understand and care about you.
Get a personal therapist, if you need help.
It is your life, and you make the decisions about how you live it.....because YOU are the one who has to live with the consequences...good or bad.

dandylion

***I assume that you read "Co-dependent No More". If not...I wouldn't hurt you to do so. It gives you information about what people mean when they use that word.
Don't accept labels---read it (if you want to) and make your own judgements

LexieCat

I think living with/loving an alcoholic brings problems, no matter how well-adjusted we were before.

You married him while he was still drinking, and it got worse. He's in a rehab. You don't know what the future will bring. None of that troubles you in the least? If not, then maybe you are pushing some of those feelings and fears down. You don't have to have something major "wrong" with you or be utterly dysfunctional to benefit from support and tools to help you keep yourself emotionally healthy and together.

What are your expectations (if you have any) for how things will go with him after he gets out of rehab?

Xtreem

If you are happy with you, that is what matters.

I think alcoholics sometimes what to put the focus elsewhere and share the fault or blame. I have always said that you should not go looking for problems, if you are not unhappy and don't feel a need to change, then don't. Many times people what to create an issue where there is none. Early on in sobriety people told me I was co-dependent and needed to attend Al-anon also...I never saw it, and still don't. I attended a few meetings and realized they didn't know what they were talking about. I have cont. to me happy and sober and not attend Al-anon. I say, talk to your close friends and get their opinion (be completely honest with then) and then trust your gut and your H.P. on what you should do.

Hangnbyathread

Welcome 12 Step. I found this site yesterday.

Let me paste something I wrote yesterday as I feel that you and I and many others find ourselves feeling so many of the exact same things. I also am learning about my AGF and the AA program. Here is my journey started and where I am now. Now is 3 months into her seeking out help.

Forgive me if I make this lengthy.

10 years ago I was happy in my life. I met a woman. She was very nice. But nothing I was willing to stop my life for. Many women are nice and I get along well with them. She and I got along and I kept her at a friendly but respected distance. She had a good job, but a horrible personal life. It wasn't my life and I wasn't living it and I did not judge. She had a lot of good qualities that I admired. I respected her and figured she would resolve her dramas in whatever way she needed. We got along well in this manner. She was just going through a "rough patch".

I am an educated man. Traveled the world. Met all sorts of people And I had been around alcoholics so I didn't make assumptions about her being an alcoholic. I thought I knew what an alcoholic was. I didn't think she was. But I recognized and in a friendly way said, "You like drinking more than I am comfortable being around so when you drink I will refrain from being around you." Friendly, matter of fact, peaceful and we were good. Or I later learned at least I was good with that.

I continued seeing her as a friend. Nothing sexual at all in our relationship. And I can honestly say I never saw her drink more than 1 or on a rare occasion 2 when we were out an about. No problems. That wasn't an alcoholic.

But she always had dramas in her life. I simply said, your life is yours, you need to work them out. Not my business. Looking back on this, I regret not leaving us at that. She goes her way and I go mine. But alas it wasn't to be.

Slowly over time she began to reach out to me. "You have your life together" "You are open about your mistakes" "You are a responsible stable person" "People look up to you". "Please help me get better with my life." I said OK But I will need to know your story. I can't help without an education into you.

And it poured out of her. Same story I'm sure has been told, but it was the first time in my life I ever been around such a dysfunctional childhood. She had a horrible story and I felt crushed that any human being had to go through this as a kid. It made me think about how good I had it and I wanted to help this woman shake this off and build a better life going forward. I had had a tough childhood filled with abuse and I made out OK, so let me lead by example I guess is the only way I can say it.

That was the beginning of the downward spiral into alcoholism. Her alcoholism.

The first drama I took responsibility for. She told me how I was responsible. I accepted it and put it behind me. Knowing what not to do again. The 2nd drama was my responsibility. I resisted a bit this time but we talked it out. Again I took the role of being at fault. It was easier than arguing, she was a lot better at it than I was. This has now established how things were going to be for the next 10 years. I don't need to share it here.

In the 10 years I have known her, I have sought help for depression, elevated blood pressure, sleep disorders, irritability, sexual dysfunction. None of which I ever had in my life before. None of which I ever attributed to her being an alcoholic. I was simply ignorant to what alcoholism is and how it takes everyone around it down. I just sought out professional help because I was no longer at peace with me. At no time did I ever have the knowledge that my now g/f was an AK.

Finally when I had had enough of always being at blame, the plane was crashing and it is on fire headed for certain death, I was done and said I can't do this. I even said Look It doesn't matter if you need me to be responsible for this. We are broken and I can't do this anymore.

Like this new bolt of lightning had just struck. She admitted she had a drinking problem. I know you have a drinking problem, I have been asking you for 10 years to consider that you did. You don't think I can't figure out that you don't drink around me but as soon as I'm gone....Ms Hyde is awoken. And now after you have managed to make a wreck out of us, you decide you have a problem?

"Well I need help" she says. To which I agree and was thankful she saw that. I resented that she let it get this bad, but I was thankful that she finally saw it. OK , Get help and I will support you. 1 month into AA and she ask me to please go to Al-Anon so you can get help also.

Wait...what?....I don't need help, I am not the one drinking here. So at first I resisted needing help.

Now for a bit about me personally. I tend to be very evidence oriented. Scientific. I have worked on both the Space Shuttle Program as well as gotten a scholarship to medical school. I understand quantitative facts and evidence and logic. I am not a Christian, nor am I Atheist. My belief is that God placed us here via evolution and that God is responsible for that evolutionary process by virtue of the creation made. Aside from this, my religious beliefs are based on studying and being exposed to as many religions as possible. No religion is better than the next and ultimately we are responsible for our actions in life. Good and bad. I do not believe the Devil makes us do anything anymore than God does. We are here to steer our own ships. Aside from genetic flaws or genetic attributes, we all start out equal. Psychology classes taught me that we are also a product of brain defects or brain gifts, social influence, parenting skills, social and economic virtues or lack thereof, but all of these can be influenced by the choices we make in life. I don't begrudge anyone better off than me and I don't belittle those that are lower than I am. But I do believe in accountability and education and responsibility.

So after her first 30 days, it comes time to hear her first pass at what AA is teaching her. Some good some not so good but I accept that it is a process and that while not perfect, she has at least made an attempt. So I agreed I would go to Al-Anon.

Here is what I know. And some of this was garnered from going to Al-Anon.
- My AGF is 3rd generation alcoholic. My genetics classes taught me that there was a link to alcoholism in families. Had she told me that she had 2 generations ahead of her that were AK's the red flag would have been there years ago. Instead there was no mention of 2 previous generations of this. I learned this is common.

- My AGF is smart enough that despite anything anyone tells her, she will find a way to do whatever she wants to do. No matter what energy I expend trying to alter that it is in the end energy wasted. Going to a funeral at work so I won't be available tomorrow, is code for I am going to hook up with my alcohol friendly ex and have sex in a drunken bender. Or, I need you to watch my daughter as I have a must attend function for work out of town, is code for the same thing just a different man.

- Trying to check up on the thousand of schemes they have to continue drinking, will only leave you exhausted, depressed and disappointed. And it simply challenges them to create something smarter than you are thinking. Go ahead, feel stupid, trust me we earned that feeling.

-This is bigger than you or I. It is bigger than us and it is bigger than anything you think you can provide. This is where I let the "Higher Power" take control. That higher power is my AGF and her ability to make choices. If she wants to cheat, she will, if she wants to drink, she will, if she wants to lie, she will. That is her choice, not mine. Neither you nor I are are the REASON it happens. But we do NOT have to allow it to be part of our lives. Set boundaries. AND KEEP THEM!

And please do not take this next paragraph as a knock against AA because I am not. Here is how my AGF will use AA to NOT be accountable.
- If the RA wants to leave it up to God to steer them, this can allow them to make God accountable should they veer off course. AA says if you fall off the wagon, you simply start over. The RA is only accountable to the "Higher Power". Not to the sponsor or the family members or to themselves, if they can rely on the "Higher Power" as they chose to understand it. That last part "as they choose to understand it" is the key that will cause my AGF to rationalize that she can drink and it won't be her fault.

-Do not be ashamed that you got pulled down into this vortex. Because we are caring and compassionate is exactly what the AK needs to draw from. The reason my AGF had dramas in her life, was because she was worth more as a drunken ***** than she was in any other capacity to men. When she sobered up and wanted to have something besides sex, they knew she was to be steered clear of. She didn't like it, but in order to feel needed, she knew that getting drunk and providing a sexual outlet for whatever man she could get drunk with, was the pattern that allowed drinking to be OK. Up until me, she had no other example to go by. And my interest in her was not sexual so I presented a moral problem for her.

- Do reach out. Until I went to Al Anon I would have never dreamed to look for a board like this. I personally don't feel Al-Anon is right for my recovery, but just being able to have a common ground to share without judgment, has helped tremendously.

-Do reach out for professional help if you can. My time spent in therapy has been priceless for my ability to help look at it in a HEALTHY manner. When my AGF had been in AA for a month, I called my shrink and said...I need to interject a fact I didn't know was present. I have learned that my g/f is an alcoholic, could this be the reason I am having all of these issues. It was an immediate and resounding "YES". We had spent 3 years tearing into every crevice of my life trying to figure out why I was depressed, etc. She was searching just like I was. Once that light switched on she said I need to see you for a couple sessions. The weight lifted off of me has been measurable. My B/P is back to normal. I am gaining weight, I am wanting to engage in life again. My motorcycle which was my therapy and love of my idle life had sat for 3 years unused. I kept saying it was because I was too busy. I wasn't. It was just where I would go and start thinking about how miserable I felt. I found myself wandering into the "If I just turn my right wrist and go fast enough, If I hit that oncoming truck, I would be at peace and go down doing something I loved" thoughts. Now I can ride to enjoy the freedom and the tension release it provides.

-Most importantly. LET IT GO! The sooner we learn to do that the sooner we can start caring about us.

And my last input for this is the same one that helped me start to rebuild. It sounds stupidly easy but I bet you find it to be as hard as I did.

Your goal for today is: Do or find one thing that makes YOU and ONLY YOU happy. I failed at this miserably. I called my shrink and said I couldn't do it today. Her response. Then you try again tomorrow until you accomplish this.

It took me a week to find something. For me it was committing my thoughts to paper. Somehow for me that process helps me. I keep a journal. And it POURS out of me!!!!

Once I can get it out and see how I corner myself with thoughts, I can write my map out.

I so want to help others find peace. If you leave your AC, its OK. No matter how hard you think it is, it only empowers your AC to keep you in misery if you stay in an unchanged life. Hold the AC accountable....period. I don't care what AA or Al-Anon says differently. They are not living your life.

CodeJob

12 step, why did you marry a relapsed A? Couldn't you have just stayed FWB? Now you've got a legal connection to this guy... Do you have a prenup?

Did you think you could save him somehow?

Who is paying the tab on fancy rehab? You have him on your health insurance? He lives in your home? You pay the bulk of bills?

You don't have to answer any of these questions. Think about your inner motivations regarding this relationship.

If you are ticked about Al Anon approach and term codependent, maybe you'd like Rational Recovery or CRAFT more. There are some threads around here on these alternatives...

SabrinaQ

Hi, 12 step wife,

I was in your place one year ago.

First of all. Even if you were the most serene person on earth to start with, if you've been with an addict for a couple of years or more, I'm sure you have some issues by now!

When I was told to 'work on my issues' (by my ex, and his rehab) I didn't know what they were talking about, however I came to understand that there was plenty of things to work on. From before marrying the addict.

Do it at your own pace, not because HE's pressuring you, but just because it's possible to become an (even) better, more serene person, which is what everyone wants.

freetosmile

Your career achievements and parental achievements are awesome and you should be proud of that, but what about YOU? I heard you say you were responsible and that you liked yourself. Sounds like you like your accomplishments. I have been using my accomplishments and obligations as a big "reason" aka excuse to not take a closer look at ME. I do need change, I do need help. Good luck on your journey

12stepwife

Wow, thank you all for your responses. They have been helpful. To answer some questions...I married him because the man I fell in love with had been sober for 5 years and I love that guy I just haven't seen him in a long time. I guess I'm dumb in that yes, I thought I could not necessarily fix him but get him back to the guy I fell in love with. I figured he had stayed sober before and he could do it again. He ran a sober living when I met him, went to church, was kind, living and I really felt that God had brought us together. Yep, he's on my insurance which is paying for everything. Yep, I now pay all the bills. What do I want? I want to have him back, sober and us happy. I want a normal life with someone I love. I've talked to friends and family an they all tell me to leave him but that isn't what I want, I love him. Is there hope? Can he do this? He wants to I truly believe that. I just want him to come home and be a normal person. I guess that's naive of me. I feel frustrated because all I hear is leave and I don't want that, I want to support him and help him get well,not just throw him away like yesterday's garbage.

NWGRITS

He could sober up. But then there will always be the risk of relapse. Are you willing to potentially keep doing the rehab dance with him? If you do the research, then you already know that the chances of long-term sobriety are slim. The odds of him recovering and never drinking again aren't good. The deck is stacked against alcoholics in that regard. This is where fixing YOU comes in. We all have problems, and to think otherwise puts you into the unofficial category of being "terminally unique". You're no different than any of the other people here, and he's an alcoholic just like all the rest. Your career, educational, or family successes don't mean anything in the world of addiction or codependency. Neither of these things discriminates, which is why you'll find people from all walks of life in both AA and Al-Anon. Just know that alcoholism is progressive, and it WILL get worse unless he chooses to never drink again. So, if this is as good as it's ever going to be, are you ok with that? Food for thought for you.

Stung

First, I don't think that's naive, I think that's how the bulk of the people on this site come here thinking. I actually think it's really normal.

Second, this might not mean that you need to change. Think about it more like "sometimes you help me when I don't want your help and it makes me uncomfortable" instead of "you're screwed up too so you need to go fix yourself just as much as I need to fix myself." He might just be trying to get you to focus on yourself, regardless, he's in no position to tell anyone what their problems are but he's in a position to say how your words/behaviors/etc. effect him.

As for fairy tale endings, some people go to rehab and never drink again, some drink again soon after leaving rehab, some stay sober forever and stay married, some stay sober forever and divorce anyway. There really is no predicting what happens. The 1 year sobriety stat for rehab is 35%, lower % for AA only programs. If he wants to stay sober he will. You can absolutely support him, but please realize that you cannot help him get "well." Alcoholism isn't something that can be cured, it's something that goes into remission.

sauerkraut

Hi 12StepWife. I wanted to second the opinion of some who have suggested you check out the secular forums on this website. The discussion of the book "Beyond Addiction," for example, has some ideas that I'm finding really fruitful in dealing with my own AH, and they may help you, too.