New here, seeking advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
New here, seeking advice
I’m going to apologize in advance for rambling, but this is my first post and I do need to vent. A lot. Please let me preface this by saying I’ve got my own issues, of course…but I just don’t know how much longer I can be responsible for HIS issues as well.
I left for work yesterday, and forgot my phone. I realized, so turned around and came home to get the phone. Of course, my RAH husband wasn’t expecting me back for another 10 plus hours, and I find him smoking pot in our living room. I should clarify that I work at night, so this was at 4pm. Now, let me be clear that I don’t have a problem with pot in general. My husband smoked when we dated and I didn’t think it was a big deal, and I used to do so myself very occasionally, and I have plenty of friends who do. I asked him to stop only after MANY losses of jobs, to where a) I felt it was impeding his ability to hold a stable job, and b) I was supporting him financially and didn’t want the funds diverted to pot. And so he stopped…ish. I’ve found the occasional evidence that he’s still smoking but it has essentially involved a fight, him threatening to leave because I’m a horrible wife, and then him regretting it the next day and then no evidence for some time. Frankly, I don’t look that hard because I don’t want to know sometimes.
We’ve been married 4 years. Things were pretty good until about a year ago, although I’ve always been the more “responsible” party. Put it this way, he doesn’t have a debit card to our joint account because he can’t be trusted with the money. He lost yet another job (the 5th in so many years) the day before our 3rd wedding anniversary. After that, what was a heavy but social drinker went over the edge somewhere to something far worse. I am also a drinker so this is a pastime we would enjoy together. I am a sommelier, so wine is a major part of my life. But then suddenly I would be at work and he’d call me hammered at 8pm, unable to form a sentence. He got into a fender bender and ran over his own foot because he forgot to put the car in park. I suggested he seek help, he didn’t. Then he got a DUI in a car I own, and because it is my car the cops were nice enough to disclose that they found 3 empty liter bottles of bourbon in the backseat and some in a cup he was drinking on his way home in traffic at 6pm. He blew a .23…on his way home from work. I proceeded to find many other bottles hidden in our apartment while he spent the night in jail. He was sober for a couple months, but then I got a new job that was an amazing career opportunity. I begged him to stay sober and be stable for us, as I was leaving a high income to be paid a lot less while I trained, for eventual long term gain. We needed him to support us through the summer. I had to go to NYC for a month to train in July, and the wheels came off while I was away from home. He got fired from/quit his job (I still don’t know the full truth) and then showed up in NYC to see me blind drunk, having driven my car up getting hammered all the way. I told him we were done unless he got some sort of help, and so we got him into an outpatient treatment program at the local hospital. He went and “passed” level one, but now it’s been a couple months and now he’s not really going to meetings or any sort or program.
Nonetheless, he’s on his high sober horse right now, and I guess I just feel like this is cheating it. He declares how many days sober he has all the time. He also got his Dr. to prescribe him pain pills last week for a (badly) stubbed toe, and he consumed 40 Vicodin within a week. Basically, I feel as if he constantly has to have one substance or another, but he’s never actually sober for real. He has a myriad of health issues, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year, he’s overweight, and he doesn’t seem to care a bit for his health. He barely ever takes his blood sugar, he eats badly despite knowing what he should be eating, he won’t go to the gym even though we have a membership. He’s at a go-nowhere job making a bit of money, but not enough to even cover nearly half our expenses.
On the flip side, he loves me like no one ever has. He genuinely would lay down his life for me. He just doesn’t seem to care about his own life. I’ve begged, yelled, reasoned ,cried, done everything. I’ve gone to counseling with him, and perhaps we just don’t have the right therapist but basically the guy just affirms me and tells him to cut out his bs, but doesn’t give any hard advice. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I’ve been looking at these posts for guidance.
I don’t come from the best family life, so this type of drama is nothing new to me. I guess I attract it. My instinct is to detach, and I absolutely have been doing so, burying myself in my new job and new work friends and old reliable great friends. My RAH tells me I’m not supportive enough of his recovery. I’ve told him I tried for a long time (which I did) but I’m burnt out and he needs to be in charge of his own recovery. But I love this man and I don’t know what to do. I feel like a parent to him, and I feel like this isn’t a healthy marriage. And to top it off he’s threatened to hurt himself before if I leave. I just don’t know how we can move forward in a healthy manner. I would love any advice anyone can provide.
I left for work yesterday, and forgot my phone. I realized, so turned around and came home to get the phone. Of course, my RAH husband wasn’t expecting me back for another 10 plus hours, and I find him smoking pot in our living room. I should clarify that I work at night, so this was at 4pm. Now, let me be clear that I don’t have a problem with pot in general. My husband smoked when we dated and I didn’t think it was a big deal, and I used to do so myself very occasionally, and I have plenty of friends who do. I asked him to stop only after MANY losses of jobs, to where a) I felt it was impeding his ability to hold a stable job, and b) I was supporting him financially and didn’t want the funds diverted to pot. And so he stopped…ish. I’ve found the occasional evidence that he’s still smoking but it has essentially involved a fight, him threatening to leave because I’m a horrible wife, and then him regretting it the next day and then no evidence for some time. Frankly, I don’t look that hard because I don’t want to know sometimes.
We’ve been married 4 years. Things were pretty good until about a year ago, although I’ve always been the more “responsible” party. Put it this way, he doesn’t have a debit card to our joint account because he can’t be trusted with the money. He lost yet another job (the 5th in so many years) the day before our 3rd wedding anniversary. After that, what was a heavy but social drinker went over the edge somewhere to something far worse. I am also a drinker so this is a pastime we would enjoy together. I am a sommelier, so wine is a major part of my life. But then suddenly I would be at work and he’d call me hammered at 8pm, unable to form a sentence. He got into a fender bender and ran over his own foot because he forgot to put the car in park. I suggested he seek help, he didn’t. Then he got a DUI in a car I own, and because it is my car the cops were nice enough to disclose that they found 3 empty liter bottles of bourbon in the backseat and some in a cup he was drinking on his way home in traffic at 6pm. He blew a .23…on his way home from work. I proceeded to find many other bottles hidden in our apartment while he spent the night in jail. He was sober for a couple months, but then I got a new job that was an amazing career opportunity. I begged him to stay sober and be stable for us, as I was leaving a high income to be paid a lot less while I trained, for eventual long term gain. We needed him to support us through the summer. I had to go to NYC for a month to train in July, and the wheels came off while I was away from home. He got fired from/quit his job (I still don’t know the full truth) and then showed up in NYC to see me blind drunk, having driven my car up getting hammered all the way. I told him we were done unless he got some sort of help, and so we got him into an outpatient treatment program at the local hospital. He went and “passed” level one, but now it’s been a couple months and now he’s not really going to meetings or any sort or program.
Nonetheless, he’s on his high sober horse right now, and I guess I just feel like this is cheating it. He declares how many days sober he has all the time. He also got his Dr. to prescribe him pain pills last week for a (badly) stubbed toe, and he consumed 40 Vicodin within a week. Basically, I feel as if he constantly has to have one substance or another, but he’s never actually sober for real. He has a myriad of health issues, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year, he’s overweight, and he doesn’t seem to care a bit for his health. He barely ever takes his blood sugar, he eats badly despite knowing what he should be eating, he won’t go to the gym even though we have a membership. He’s at a go-nowhere job making a bit of money, but not enough to even cover nearly half our expenses.
On the flip side, he loves me like no one ever has. He genuinely would lay down his life for me. He just doesn’t seem to care about his own life. I’ve begged, yelled, reasoned ,cried, done everything. I’ve gone to counseling with him, and perhaps we just don’t have the right therapist but basically the guy just affirms me and tells him to cut out his bs, but doesn’t give any hard advice. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I’ve been looking at these posts for guidance.
I don’t come from the best family life, so this type of drama is nothing new to me. I guess I attract it. My instinct is to detach, and I absolutely have been doing so, burying myself in my new job and new work friends and old reliable great friends. My RAH tells me I’m not supportive enough of his recovery. I’ve told him I tried for a long time (which I did) but I’m burnt out and he needs to be in charge of his own recovery. But I love this man and I don’t know what to do. I feel like a parent to him, and I feel like this isn’t a healthy marriage. And to top it off he’s threatened to hurt himself before if I leave. I just don’t know how we can move forward in a healthy manner. I would love any advice anyone can provide.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, N (sorry for the familiarity, I'm a little sleepy),
Welcome--your story is very familiar to us all. My first suggestion is to find an Al-Anon meeting. You will find it very helpful in getting your own mind clear. Second, learn as much as you can about alcoholism. Your husband is NOT sober. Swapping alcohol for weed or pills doesn't equal sobriety. Both are ways of "checking out" and both cause similar harm.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I'm six years sober now, myself. My first husband has been sober in AA for almost 35 years, the second is still drinking himself to death (I left him a few months after he went back to drinking shortly after our marriage).
Alcoholics are often lovable people in many ways, but it is a progressive disease and it gets less lovely as time goes by.
Glad you're here--you will find a lot of support here.
Welcome--your story is very familiar to us all. My first suggestion is to find an Al-Anon meeting. You will find it very helpful in getting your own mind clear. Second, learn as much as you can about alcoholism. Your husband is NOT sober. Swapping alcohol for weed or pills doesn't equal sobriety. Both are ways of "checking out" and both cause similar harm.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I'm six years sober now, myself. My first husband has been sober in AA for almost 35 years, the second is still drinking himself to death (I left him a few months after he went back to drinking shortly after our marriage).
Alcoholics are often lovable people in many ways, but it is a progressive disease and it gets less lovely as time goes by.
Glad you're here--you will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Welcome to SR. I second the suggestion for al anon. Its nice to talk with people who have been through the same thing.
I tried counseling with my AH. Problem was he was still drinking so it went nowhere. What did help me was individual counseling for me with a licensed addiction counselor that had experience treating families of addicts.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are on the right track just knowing that he has to be in charge of his own recovery.
I tried counseling with my AH. Problem was he was still drinking so it went nowhere. What did help me was individual counseling for me with a licensed addiction counselor that had experience treating families of addicts.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are on the right track just knowing that he has to be in charge of his own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Thank You NacTam. This is my first day here also. While new to the board the amazingly concise exact stories we share are what will help you identify with others. I handled my AGF as you are doing yours. I detach and live my life. I keep myself insulated from the dramas and the patterns that will always be repeated once we get back to where they need us to be. Those feelings you have of feeling needed by your ABF. Will become feelings of being used. I was there for my AGF through anything. I was that rock of sanity etc. She clung to that between drunken tirades. Begging me to stay. Eventually you will become as down as they are and Alc, will have taken another victim.
I personally didn't find Al Anon to be my pathway but I support anyone that wishes to use it as it does provide an outlet to simply listen and share. And you will find that amazingly helpful in ways you don't expect. For me and my health as well as my AGF, detachment represents the end of the road of tolerance towards them. They resist, coerce, fight, fuss and blame you, but that is all their way of trying to draw you back into their world rather than see their way into yours. Alc may be bigger than them but it doesn't need to be bigger than you. Detach, live your life, be happy. If your ABF can't join you in that happiness, let him live in his own misery.
And P.S. It isn't that you attract it, you simply are used to it and comfortable there. My AGF always had friends she could drink with. They had the same turmoil filled lives. But when that is all in the group knows, that is the normal. She never knew any different growing up and she simply gravitated towards the only thing she knew. All of her AGF's were promiscuous. They all went through scores of relationships that were always rocky. So she was as good as they were. The men knew how to work the alcohol into sex and so it becomes a self feeding monster that they all fully understand the workings of.
You get better results by doing a better lifestyle.
I personally didn't find Al Anon to be my pathway but I support anyone that wishes to use it as it does provide an outlet to simply listen and share. And you will find that amazingly helpful in ways you don't expect. For me and my health as well as my AGF, detachment represents the end of the road of tolerance towards them. They resist, coerce, fight, fuss and blame you, but that is all their way of trying to draw you back into their world rather than see their way into yours. Alc may be bigger than them but it doesn't need to be bigger than you. Detach, live your life, be happy. If your ABF can't join you in that happiness, let him live in his own misery.
And P.S. It isn't that you attract it, you simply are used to it and comfortable there. My AGF always had friends she could drink with. They had the same turmoil filled lives. But when that is all in the group knows, that is the normal. She never knew any different growing up and she simply gravitated towards the only thing she knew. All of her AGF's were promiscuous. They all went through scores of relationships that were always rocky. So she was as good as they were. The men knew how to work the alcohol into sex and so it becomes a self feeding monster that they all fully understand the workings of.
You get better results by doing a better lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Firstly, welcome! I am sorry that you had cause to find us, bit very glad you did, this board has been wonderful for me and I hope you will find peace, sympathy and advice here too.
There are two sayings in Al anon that really helped me and may help you too.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." Alcoholism will not go away and he certainly isn't going to change any time soon. So that leaves you. You have choices. You could chose to leave him and start fresh. You could chose to accept that he is exactly what he is today and that he will not change. If you take that choice, the only thing you can change is your focus, shifting it away from him and into what you want from life and how to get there. But whatever you choose, you have more power here than you know. You have the power to choose to make changes.
"Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable". It's OK to hate unacceptable behaviour. That was a real eye opener. You have value too, your needs are important and therefore you have the right to protect them. I found that liberating. Maybe start by giving yourself permission to be angry? It sounds like you maybe don't yet know how to let yourself feel that. It's OK to want better, to demand better and to set boundaries to. make that happen. For example, you could set yourself the boundary that when he is under the influence of a psycho-active substance, you do not have to share a bedroom with him. You deserve better than that.
Just some things that helped me. I really hope you find these boards as useful as I did. X
There are two sayings in Al anon that really helped me and may help you too.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." Alcoholism will not go away and he certainly isn't going to change any time soon. So that leaves you. You have choices. You could chose to leave him and start fresh. You could chose to accept that he is exactly what he is today and that he will not change. If you take that choice, the only thing you can change is your focus, shifting it away from him and into what you want from life and how to get there. But whatever you choose, you have more power here than you know. You have the power to choose to make changes.
"Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable". It's OK to hate unacceptable behaviour. That was a real eye opener. You have value too, your needs are important and therefore you have the right to protect them. I found that liberating. Maybe start by giving yourself permission to be angry? It sounds like you maybe don't yet know how to let yourself feel that. It's OK to want better, to demand better and to set boundaries to. make that happen. For example, you could set yourself the boundary that when he is under the influence of a psycho-active substance, you do not have to share a bedroom with him. You deserve better than that.
Just some things that helped me. I really hope you find these boards as useful as I did. X
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 9
So, I have decided to do something nice for myself tomorrow for Thanksgiving. For the past 14 years I have always spent Thanksgiving with my best friends, and husband has of course joined the past several years since we've been together, and he will tomorrow as well. However, the host house this year isn't starting the festivities until 3pm. My new work friends, who are all transplants to my city, are all getting together for their own Thanksgiving. So, I've told husband that I'm going to join them for 2 hours in the early afternoon without him before we go to our annual festivity together. A couple of my work friends have met my husband in passing, but he's never hung out with that group and they know me completely outside the context of him. I feel like they are sort of my little protected world outside of him, and frankly I kind of want to keep it that way. I feel like noon to 2 is not a lot to ask. I just feel like a need to carve out a little bit of me being me time, as when we're together in front of a group I honestly feel like I'm putting on a front right now. There will be 20 plus people at our dinner tomorrow and although a few of them know what's going on behind the scenes, I'm going to have to act happy and like everything is ok for the rest. Heck I guess that's what the holidays are like for a lot of people, but I just want a little bit of the day where I don't need to be worried about all that. Am I being terribly selfish?
Excellent idea! Not selfish at all. Completely brilliant. Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You give everything to him, so you should absolutely do something for yourself for a change. We call this "recruiting season" in Al-Anon, so they'll be expecting you. 
It sounds like the hubby has a pretty cushy life there with you. You pay the bills, he drinks or smokes and loses job after job without any discomfort. Not judging you, just stating what I see. My exhole continues to get fired from jobs, yet still thinks he can get custody of the kids. He's not an A, simply your run-of-the-mill arrogant a-hole who was groomed to be the center of the universe by his mommy. So I understand the feeling of living with that and also thinking I had some sort of responsibility to him to keep it all together. And then there was an incident in a grocery store during our trial separation that made me realize I deserved a hell of a lot better than his lazy, entitled butt. You don't have to leave, but staying means accepting him as he is, warts and all, and focusing on taking care of yourself. And that's a choice that only you can make for yourself, in time.
It sounds like the hubby has a pretty cushy life there with you. You pay the bills, he drinks or smokes and loses job after job without any discomfort. Not judging you, just stating what I see. My exhole continues to get fired from jobs, yet still thinks he can get custody of the kids. He's not an A, simply your run-of-the-mill arrogant a-hole who was groomed to be the center of the universe by his mommy. So I understand the feeling of living with that and also thinking I had some sort of responsibility to him to keep it all together. And then there was an incident in a grocery store during our trial separation that made me realize I deserved a hell of a lot better than his lazy, entitled butt. You don't have to leave, but staying means accepting him as he is, warts and all, and focusing on taking care of yourself. And that's a choice that only you can make for yourself, in time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Nonetheless, he’s on his high sober horse right now, and I guess I just feel like this is cheating it.
You can't change him but at some point you must decide what YOUR limits are. Alcoholism/addiction is progressive and no addict is able to moderate his/her intake of drugs or alcohol. I recommend Alanon, which gave me enormous support in leaving a very messed up relationship. Keep reading the forum. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
I feel like somebody who loves you like no one else ever has would pull his weight. He'd keep a job rather than sit home smoking pot and popping vicodin while you work. Love is what you get off your butt and do for the other person, the relationship and the family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
This kind of reminds me of Saturday Night Live when Roseanne Rosannadanna says "you sound like a real attractive guy." ...
I don't mean it in a snarky way at all. My AH used to be a guy I could count on, someone to build a future with- a partner to share things with. It sounds like your AH used to be that person, too.
I don't mean it in a snarky way at all. My AH used to be a guy I could count on, someone to build a future with- a partner to share things with. It sounds like your AH used to be that person, too.
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