Amysad

Hello Friends. I have noticed that I am feeling quite weak about my situation with my AD. I have been concentrating on working on myself and loosing my enabling qualities but with the Holidays almost here, I am starting to feel as if I should reach out and see my AD. My husband and my other daughter want no part of her and I understand this. She lied and stole and basically abused us all for the past 9 years because we let it happen. I was the worst at it as I always in 'band-aid repair mode', hoping that this time around, she had changed. SR helped me see quite clearly that I needed to distance with love, concentrate on myself in order to give myself a chance at life but also let her see she no longer was able to play us all in hopes that may trigger a change. She says she has changed ( I get a text here and there ) but I just feel if she really really had, she would have started repaying debts and securing a job. I have heard she has a 'sugar daddy' boyfriend but this comes from another user who has always had a love hate relationship with her. Any thoughts on what to do, how to proceed? I just am feeling very weak right now wondering if she will be ok for the Holiday's. I also am feeling sad myself that she wont be around either although I then think that the drama of her using wouldnt be good either. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

zoso77

As someone who used to have an intense hatred for the holidays, what I would encourage you to do is treat them as any other time of year and to continue to do what you're doing. You have good reason to be skeptical about your AD, and just because it's the holidays doesn't mean your skepticism gets time off.

What I also encourage you to do is make a list of all the things you're grateful for this year and focus on that instead of the sense of loss you surely feel with your AD. That will take the sting out of things a bit. It won't change what you're feeling, but what it will do is make you aware that your world doesn't begin and end with your AD.

Be safe.

Hope7726

The holiday season can be so stressful and depressing. I would honestly prefer to sleep through them this year.

I like zoso's advice and I have been trying to think of things I am grateful for this week instead of wallowing in self pity. When you think about it, we have so much to be thankful for yet we often forget that and focus so much on what our life is lacking.

I have started thinking about all of the things I like about the holidays so I can focus on those whenever the parts I don't like have me feeling down. I love wrapping gifts, baked goodies, holiday movies (nothing that will make me sad!), ugly Christmas sweaters, the elaborate train display at the mall near my house, and visiting my family out of state.

I know its easier said than done but we shouldn't let this 5-6 week period of time get in the way of our recovery. It sounds like you stick to your boundaries the rest of the year. Why stop now just because it's Christmas? If you were a recovering addict you would tell yourself not to relapse during the holidays, there's no excuse. We need to remind ourselves of the same.

Amysad

I am doing my best one day at a time trying to get through this period. I am going to try and detach from the holiday but in such a way that I don't ruin it for the other members of my family.......just so hard and hurtful

vaya

I know how you feel Amysad. There were so many holidays that I put up with things with my AS, just because of the holidays or some other special event or occasion. I am wrestling, not only with detaching, as you know and have responded to my posts, but also the holidays. I don't really even want to have much to do with them anymore. I have worked and slaved every year for the longest, minus a 5 year gap, when my sons lived with their father. I work 2 jobs and still always made everything 'nicey/wicey' for them, only to have them take off with their friends and leave me with the mess.

This year I don't really even want to cook. I'm tired. There have been so many holidays where my AS was so loaded, that it was all so contrived and sad. This year, I wanted to include him and was looking forward to a holiday with him sober and clean, since he was in the rehab for 2months, but now that that's changed, I don't know. I know it will upset my younger son if he's loaded and my ex, who will be there, will be forever shaking his head and going on. So....just because it's the holidays doesn't really change anything.

I don't mean to sound depressing.....yes I wish it would be a happy time, but with my AS using and loaded, it wouldn't be. I think the holidays just conjure up wishes and perhaps fantasies and desires for an old fashioned good time. It sounds like if there's a lot of resentment in the air, and expectations, maybe it wouldn't be so fun after all.

Ann

Holidays have never been "the stuff that Hallmark is made of" with my son. When he lived with us and used, many special dinners that should have been family love times were ruined because he used these occasions to steal or to not show up while we all waited for him. Just worrying about how he would be, would he be clean or stoned, could put a damper on everything.

Sometimes I would meet him the day before for our own special lunch or dinner at a restaurant, when he lived on the street or couch surfed. Sometimes that went well, sometimes he didn't show up and it hurt a lot to wait and wonder.

He has been gone for many years now. At first I felt his absence sadly and in spite of the chaos, felt not quite a family without him. Then we began some new traditions, accepted invitations to join other family members for dinner (our son was our only child), and we learned to embrace the joy and the warmth of family, even though my son chose through his addiction to not be a part of it.

Holidays truly can be a painful hard time for us, but it's only as hard as and painful as we allow it to be.

Saying a prayer for my son always helps me let go, knowing that God can do for him what I cannot. Somehow my prayer is my connection to him, in a safe and loving way.

Hugs to all here who are facing the holidays without their addicted loved one present.

Amysad

Ann.....I thought about reaching out and seeing her privately the day before. Zoso had posted on another thread that if I wasn't prepared for the consequences of that visit, I needed to really reflect if I was ready. She say she us clean - have heard this so many times before - yet no job is ever discussed and no repayment even of 10 bucks is ever made. How do you ever know if your addicted person is clean? I just have been lied to so many times I don't feel I ever would be able to judge. Thank you to everyone who has posted. Trying to keep a stiff upper lift but it's harder I notice this year without her being around.

GardenMama

Oh, Amy, I feel your pain. The holidays are so hard anyway, and active addiction makes them nearly unbearable. It may be best to just treat each day for what it is--when it is Thanksgiving Day, you will wake up and know what to do. Same with the rest of the holidays. Try not to future-trip, wonder about her being clean, etc. You will know when she is clean and when she is functioning in a way that you can trust. It may not be this season, but it still may happen. Stay in the moment. Do something different this year to switch things up a bit. A new tradition, a new pattern of celebrating, anything that helps you stay focused in the present. It is painful, but you can get through it by caring for yourself and respecting your feelings and the feelings of your other family members. Send some extra love their way when you are feeling weak about your AD. Big hug to you!

FeelingGreat

Amysad, if you look at it from the POV of a recovering alcoholic (me), holiday season is a danger time. The relentless, and let's face it, commercial, build up makes us think we SHOULD be getting together with our families, eating too much, drinking. Yet think of all those families that have too much to drink, start fighting, and end up miserable because it wasn't picture book perfect. (Absolutely dreading my Christmas Day with in-law relatives.)
If you can think of yourself as an addict entering a danger time of the year, you might get a little more perspective. My suggestion is keep it low key, and wait for real signs of recovery from your daughter before you start including her in family activities.

Amysad

Feeling great, thank you ......and to Garden Mama too. When you learn as I have here at SR just how much of an idiot I have been in the past hoping that she was clean, a new anxiety emerges - loss of the accurate ability to read if someone is clean or not. I am just afraid that if she is clean and I'm still not ready to see her, that is doing more damage then good to her sense of direction and commitment. In the alternative, I also worry if she is not clean, and I see her, I will once again feel like an idiot for trusting again. It's just a hard position to be in, made worse by the holiday season. Sorry for sounding like a pity party.

Chino

Before my daughter found recovery, my plan was always to meet her with an open mind. I didn't focus on her addiction or even ask about it. Most times it all went well but when it didn't, I told her "I'm sorry honey I need to leave. I love you."

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Amysad

Chino - I have thought about this - I think your stronger than me - I couldn't even keep it together at hair dresser yesterday whe someone asked me about her. I think all of the great advice here is helping me to see that even if she is ready, I'm not. I'm hurt abused angry and most of all completely distrustful of my own interpretation of her true condition since I thought SO MANY times in past 9 years she was ok. I've just been an idiot through it all

GardenMama

I forgot to add: Please don't beat yourself up! You are where you are today, and that is what matters. It is perfectly reasonable and very understandable that you would not be ready yet to be around your daughter, whether she is using or not. Give yourself permission to not be ready, regardless of holiday expectations of yourself and others.

And no more name-calling! You are not an idiot. You are a mother in a lot of pain, past and present. We all did what we did with the tools we had at the time. We have learned and grown here with the help of many others and our willingness to look honestly at addiction and our role in all that has come to pass.

Be gentle with yourself, Amy.

p.s. I have cried almost everywhere, and aren't salons THE place to shed a few tears sometimes?

Chino

I'll second GardenMama -- please don't beat yourself up! None of us are born with coping skills, we pick them up as we move along in life when we need them. Nothing has ever prepared us parents for this terrible disease.

Ann

If you can meet up with her without any expectations and just try to have some kind of normal conversation without lecturing or pleading...then you may find it enjoyable.

You have to do what feels right to you, just don't let guilt lead you.

hugs

Amysad

I don't think I am able to yet - I am too afraid of the repercussions and potential drama.....I know I'm not ready yet for the interaction. I wish I could see her but I know it would be too much for me.

FeelingGreat

Then you have your answer. You're not ready yet, and that's fair enough; it's the pressure of the season that's upsetting you and making you second guess yourself.

irisgardens

your thread is helpful along with others. it made me realize that even though our holiday meal will not be what it was 3 years ago (the last t day our family spent it together)...that we will be spending it with the family members who want to spend it with us...my oldest daughter, her son (4) and my youngest son, and husband...and the right people will be there...as they want to be there.

have been torturing myself with worry over many things aside from my active addict...and realize that in focusing on the day to day need...I can change my attitude towards things. we don't know where she is and I believe that makes me feel sad...but I have never been able to feel things easily...mostly numbing (depression), anxiety, or sad...so I just have to believe that I am feeling that...although working on not obsessing as to where she is or what she may be doing...because it doesn't work to help me.

I like all the advice above and will be following some of it...like letting Thursday be Thursday and not trying to jam pack my days with 'plans' for the future that I have no idea whether will be brought to fruition or not. Am praying all the things that come to mind over to God (my HP) and then working to let go of any outcomes. It is really really hard and some of the things I need to trust God on seem as if they would be miracles...but I have no other choice right now with health issues.

God Bless you...I spent last t day alone and it was hard...and I am grateful I am not alone this t day, but still feeling fragmented and alone as last year my mother did not invite me but invited my daughters and they went...and I had been taught by my mother that Thanksgiving was sacred...and as I went the Sunday beforehand and wished her a Happy Thanksgiving...it was so hard to realize I was purposefully left out. I had to reach out to two friends to get me through the weekend.

However, when Monday came around...I felt much better.

This Thanksgiving, I will not be discussing my active addict daughter as the rest of the family can't handle it...and I am finding after 6 months of NC from her that I cannot either.

I always feel sad when I hear someone else is in contact with their addict children...but I also know that I am emotionally really not able to handle it anymore...last year was the final push...and I have no more ideas...no more ways to look for her...and no way of knowing if I will ever see her again and yet, I also know that life has to go on...and I am struggling to do that...and she made the choice to cut contact herself and I need to respect that.

I am praying that God will show me the way to feel better and to not be so down with the depression and anxiety.

Amysad

Iris garden ..... I hear and feel your pain. Your not alone. My AD is not my only source of great pain but I too have great difficulties with my own mother who has always been mean spirited and calculatingly cold to me. I know how hard this path is of ours and I also know like you and I share, how even more difficult and lonely it all is when your turned away or received with negative and derogatory conditions by your own mother. I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving and praying for you and your family. Thank you for your response

hopeful4

Holidays are hard, I totally get that. However, holidays are also tough for an addict. It may not be a good time to get involved in her life just right now. When she is truly recovering, you will know it. Until then, I would continue to love from afar, for your own sanity, and for the rest of your family.

It has to be so hard. You are in my heart.