Crying at church
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Crying at church
O goodness.
I will be the first one to admit my XAH has a beautiful, and I mean beautiful, singing voice. He is also a talented guitar player. He plays for our church band. Understand this, he does so not because he is a good Christian, no, it is just an outlet for his musical ability. Fine by me, it's good for our children to see their dad at church on Sundays. All of this is good and well.
A couple of years ago, his mom passed away a couple of days before Xmas. It was a tragedy. I went with him to church while they recorded him singing Amazing Grace for his mom. He had to do it at least 20 times b/c he could not get through it w/out crying. Our close friend was there helping, and it was a touching time I will never forget.
So, yesterday in church he sang this song, and I just sat there, crying. My kids knew why, as did he. His girlfriend (a nice person who I like) was sitting in front of us. I am sure she did not know why, nor did anyone else.
So after church I had several people come up to me and tell me how strong I am that they don't know how I can do it, sitting so near my X and his girlfriend and I realized they were thinking I was crying because of this. I did explain as best I could, but we were standing outside and it was starting to rain, so I did not want anyone to get soaked while they listened to me explain this.
I guess my pride is hurt a bit? I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. It has taken me years to get where I am, and I am proud of myself. I know I should not care what anyone else thinks, but that is easier said than done. I go to church with these people. I care about what they think, I care about them. My church is an important part of my life, my little DD goes to private school which is attached to our church. I truly have a lot of my heart and soul invested in the church and school and cannot bear the thought of everyone looking at me with pity.
I dunno. I will move on with dignity and just chalk it up to a private moment. Just venting I guess. Thanks for reading!
I will be the first one to admit my XAH has a beautiful, and I mean beautiful, singing voice. He is also a talented guitar player. He plays for our church band. Understand this, he does so not because he is a good Christian, no, it is just an outlet for his musical ability. Fine by me, it's good for our children to see their dad at church on Sundays. All of this is good and well.
A couple of years ago, his mom passed away a couple of days before Xmas. It was a tragedy. I went with him to church while they recorded him singing Amazing Grace for his mom. He had to do it at least 20 times b/c he could not get through it w/out crying. Our close friend was there helping, and it was a touching time I will never forget.
So, yesterday in church he sang this song, and I just sat there, crying. My kids knew why, as did he. His girlfriend (a nice person who I like) was sitting in front of us. I am sure she did not know why, nor did anyone else.
So after church I had several people come up to me and tell me how strong I am that they don't know how I can do it, sitting so near my X and his girlfriend and I realized they were thinking I was crying because of this. I did explain as best I could, but we were standing outside and it was starting to rain, so I did not want anyone to get soaked while they listened to me explain this.
I guess my pride is hurt a bit? I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. It has taken me years to get where I am, and I am proud of myself. I know I should not care what anyone else thinks, but that is easier said than done. I go to church with these people. I care about what they think, I care about them. My church is an important part of my life, my little DD goes to private school which is attached to our church. I truly have a lot of my heart and soul invested in the church and school and cannot bear the thought of everyone looking at me with pity.
I dunno. I will move on with dignity and just chalk it up to a private moment. Just venting I guess. Thanks for reading!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It's hard when people assume.
I cry. A lot. I've stopped trying to stop myself from crying. I think it's healthy to let those feelings out. But I know what you mean, it is difficult when people assume one thing when your pain is something completely different.
(((hugs)))
I cry. A lot. I've stopped trying to stop myself from crying. I think it's healthy to let those feelings out. But I know what you mean, it is difficult when people assume one thing when your pain is something completely different.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Hopeful,
They care about you. I know you don't want pity, I would not either. This is something that over time people will see what the deal is. The more you try to explain it, the more it might seem you are trying to cover up what "they" believe to be true.
For some reason people put so much emphasis on a woman needing a man and being devastated when the man isn't there anymore. I think some of that is sexism left over from yesterday.
You are such an empowered person from your writing and from the major strides you have taken this past year or so. You really have taken the bull by the horns. Some people don't get that and want to make it something else, more dramatic, more salacious.
An older woman friend told me years ago that you just have to let people talk and eventually they will move on to talking about someone else.
They care about you. I know you don't want pity, I would not either. This is something that over time people will see what the deal is. The more you try to explain it, the more it might seem you are trying to cover up what "they" believe to be true.
For some reason people put so much emphasis on a woman needing a man and being devastated when the man isn't there anymore. I think some of that is sexism left over from yesterday.
You are such an empowered person from your writing and from the major strides you have taken this past year or so. You really have taken the bull by the horns. Some people don't get that and want to make it something else, more dramatic, more salacious.
An older woman friend told me years ago that you just have to let people talk and eventually they will move on to talking about someone else.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It is hard when people make assumptions like this - it's like quicksand where the more you try to explain, the more defensive it sounds to others & the misunderstanding just grows deeper & deeper. It's another of one those "what other people think about me...." situations in a way.
I cry for all kinds of reasons so just hearing that song sung so beautifully even without knowing the backstory might have set me off
. I think I'd only correct those closest to me & only if they brought it up & not worry about the rest.... in a couple of weeks they'll probably forget all about it when your actions don't align with the pity they labelled you with. 
I cry for all kinds of reasons so just hearing that song sung so beautifully even without knowing the backstory might have set me off
. I think I'd only correct those closest to me & only if they brought it up & not worry about the rest.... in a couple of weeks they'll probably forget all about it when your actions don't align with the pity they labelled you with. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thanks guys. Our church is large. We have a small circle of friends who know all about our lives and his addiction. However many on the surface just saw our cute little family showing up on Sunday, me teaching Sunday School, him singing for the church band. On the surface it looked great, so many outside of our circle just don't know and don't get it.
I don't gossip. I don't say negative things about him. I don't think he does about me either. Maybe that makes it even harder that on the surface we still appear to be friends. I have to be involved in his life on some levels b/c we share children, and share a church family. That's ok with both of us, and it's great for our kids. It's just a lot of confusion for the church people LOL.
I do feel I have made headway this year. I stepped outside of my box and did some scary things, and I guess I just HATE pity. I am sure you are right MissFixIt, they will find something and someone else to talk about. I think it's a bit of a novelty in a way. Most of the other divorced couples don't still sit together, and surely don't sit near the girlfriend LOL. It makes people curious, and nosey!
I read during our church services sometimes, (the bible readings of that day), maybe I should make a statement. Ha...Just Kidding!
XXX
I don't gossip. I don't say negative things about him. I don't think he does about me either. Maybe that makes it even harder that on the surface we still appear to be friends. I have to be involved in his life on some levels b/c we share children, and share a church family. That's ok with both of us, and it's great for our kids. It's just a lot of confusion for the church people LOL.
I do feel I have made headway this year. I stepped outside of my box and did some scary things, and I guess I just HATE pity. I am sure you are right MissFixIt, they will find something and someone else to talk about. I think it's a bit of a novelty in a way. Most of the other divorced couples don't still sit together, and surely don't sit near the girlfriend LOL. It makes people curious, and nosey!
I read during our church services sometimes, (the bible readings of that day), maybe I should make a statement. Ha...Just Kidding!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Assumptions really get under my skin, too.
I tend to cry a lot. I don't want pity either; I've been told it's compassion, but I can't feel the difference. Unfortunately what happens is I feel a loss of dignity and start to get angry. My sadness and anger are pretty tightly woven. Ugh. I feel you sister.
I am sure glad the Serenity Prayer can't be worn out, that's all I know.
I tend to cry a lot. I don't want pity either; I've been told it's compassion, but I can't feel the difference. Unfortunately what happens is I feel a loss of dignity and start to get angry. My sadness and anger are pretty tightly woven. Ugh. I feel you sister.
I am sure glad the Serenity Prayer can't be worn out, that's all I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes BB, that is a big part of it. I feel he robbed me of everything and my dignity is one of the things I have tried to protect.
O well! The Serenity Prayer is my favorite, thanks for reminding me! FS, you are right also. If I try to explain it, it would become quicksand. None of that for me!
XXX
O well! The Serenity Prayer is my favorite, thanks for reminding me! FS, you are right also. If I try to explain it, it would become quicksand. None of that for me!
XXX
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
"Amazing Grace" is a very moving piece and it can bring me to tears.
My deceased ABF (of 23 yrs) was also a very talented musicial and singer. There were times when he was dying that I could barely get through the grocery store without a song coming on that he had covered. Music can really touch our emotional depths.
I think you're doing great! Having spent a good amount of time with my feelings shut completely down, being able to express them is not a bad thing in my book.
Hang in there...(((hugs)))
My deceased ABF (of 23 yrs) was also a very talented musicial and singer. There were times when he was dying that I could barely get through the grocery store without a song coming on that he had covered. Music can really touch our emotional depths.
I think you're doing great! Having spent a good amount of time with my feelings shut completely down, being able to express them is not a bad thing in my book.
Hang in there...(((hugs)))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm the same way--I cannot STAND for anyone to feel sorry for me (not that it stops me from feeling sorry for MYSELF now and then).
I think you're wise to just let it go--the more we explain, the more some people are convinced we are just in denial (remember the line about the person who "dost protest too much"?).
I think you're wise to just let it go--the more we explain, the more some people are convinced we are just in denial (remember the line about the person who "dost protest too much"?).
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